Excellent, Fish, especially the firearms bit!
After writing the A.C. Doyle last night, the following style occurred to me. Some of you may recognize bits and pieces of “The Ballad of the Republic” (commonly known as “Casey at the Bat”). If you haven’t read “The Two Towers,” then what follows may come as a surprise.
The Ballad of the Two Towers
The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Fellowship nine that day,
The Uruk-hai had ambushed them, though many did they slay.
And then when Boromir confessed he’d tried to seize the Ring,
A sickly silence fell upon the heir of Gondor’s king.
The Elf and Dwarf and Man sought out the Orcs afoot. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the hobbit breast;
They thought if only Frodo could but get to Orodruin,
We’d put up even money Barad-dur would fall in ruin.
But marsh obstructed Frodo as did also Emyn Muil,
And the former was a mire and the latter was a hill,
So across the stricken landscape did they strike in winter’s gloom,
For there seemed no chance of Frodo’s getting to the Cracks of Doom.
But Gollum guided Frodo, to the wonderment of all,
And Sam the sturdy hobbit never let his master fall.
And though the gates were closed before the plain Ephel Duath,
The hobbits ventured further south to fair Osgiliath.
Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty hoom;
It rumbled through the forest, it rattled in the coombe;
It knocked upon Zirak-Zigil and echoed on the sward;
For Fangorn and his Ents had arrived at Isengard.
There was ease in Fangorn’s manner as he strode into his place;
There was pride in Fangorn’s bearing and a frown on Fangorn’s face.
And then, responding to the years of Saruman’s treacheries,
The Ents destroyed the castle with the strength of mighty trees.
Ten thousand orcs attacked the ancient fastness of Helm’s Deep;
A thousand men defended from the walls of rocky keep.
Then while the writhing multitudes of Orcs assailed the breach,
Defiance gleamed in Strider’s eye as he surveyed them each.
And now the armor-covered goblins paused to look him on,
As Aragorn stood watching for the changes of the dawn.
Below the wall the goblins jeered and asked the Ranger “Why?
We do not stop for dawn, we are the fighting Uruk-hai!”
From the army of the goblins there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the waves on a stern and distant shore.
For Erkenbrand and Gandalf saved the day at first cockcrow,
And the Uruk-hai were driven from the lands of Dunharrow.
With a glow of blazing ivory great Gandalf’s visage shone;
He rode to visit Orthanc with the leaders of Rohan;
He parleyed with the wizard, but Saruman tried lies;
“Your staff is broken,” Gandalf said, and cast him from the Wise.
“You truant!” cried the maddened Dwarf, and spied the wayward pair:
The Hobbits captured by the Orcs near shade of Tol Brandir.
Forty leagues and five the trio chased, but then forsook–
Yet here were Merry Brandybuck and foolish Pippin Took.
The fight is gone from Saruman, his teeth still cleched in hate;
He throws out his palantir and he broods upon his fate.
And Gandalf rides with Pippin to the Tower of the Guard,
And Rohan musters forces, and Gondor battles hard.
Oh, somewhere here in Middle-Earth the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
But up in Cirith Ungol, up in the Spider’s Pass,
There is no joy for Frodo; he’s been poisoned in the neck.
FISH
Wow, look we’re nearly at the spooky haunted ‘Mount Doom’
Merry - Hey look its my uncle
Uncle - Hi kids, im glad your here, theres rumours that the old spooky ghost of ‘Sauron’ is roaming the hills
Sam and Ben the pony - Sauron, like yikes
Frodo - sounds to me like a mystery to be solved
Pippin and Merry - YEAh
Frodo - look a clue, hmm a blue pointy hat, i wonder whose it is
Gandalf - i think you’ll find thats mine little hobbit
Hobbits - Wow hi Gandalf, what are you doing here
Gandalf - oh erm, well i heard about Sauron, so i came to help looks about shiftily
Ben and Sam - Say gandalf have you got any lembas snacks?
Gandalf - dont you two think of anything else?!
Merry - look whats that?
Frodo - looks like Sauron, hey and where did Gandalf go? Sauron must have taken him, thats the only possible explanation.
Frodo - have a look at this gang, and old map to the most expensive plots in mordor, all recently sold to one Uncle Took.
Merry - but why would my uncle want plots in Mordor? - it doesn;lt make sense … Uncle why are you buying plots in mordor?
Uncle - erm, well to help out a friend
Merry - if your really my uncle, whats your real name?
Uncle - ermm, ahhh rumbled
Frodo - get him
HOBBITS POUNCE ON FAKE UNCLE AND TIE HIM UP
Frodo - now to see who you really are
REMOVES MASK
Everyone - WHY ITS GANDALF
Gandalf - i would have gotten away with it as well if it wasn;t for you meddling hobbits!!!
Frodo - you see Gandalf made up the mystery about Sauron to scare everyone off, then he arranged for us to come here so we could confirm the mystery, but really he had disposed of Sauron and was turning Mordor in to prime real estate with waterfrontage on the Isen.
Merry - hey wheres ben and Sam
Sam and Ben - well we might as well eat the farmer maggots crop now! --sam - wise - ga- GEEE
A tribute to the brilliance of Scooby Doo - sorry guys that really wasn;t that good, but i least i tried.
Frodo had been born in the Shire. His uncle, Bilbo, was half a Baggins, and his idea of a good joke was to forget to tell people that he was also half Took. “I’m just an ordinary guy who enjoys smoking my pipe and going on short hiking trips”, he would declare, and then he would interrupt his second breakfreast to run off an help a band a dwarves recover their treasure from an evil dragon. “I’m a staid, boring person who enjoys tea-time with friends”, he would state, moments before vanishing into thin air during his 111th birthday party. Afterwards, when Bilbo had left for Rivendell, he had promised to put all of his affairs in order so that Frodo wouldn’t have any troublesome problems to deal with, and had then given Frodo the One Ring of Power.
Growing up in the Shire, Frodo had always had trouble drawing attention to himself. Some Hobbits live lives of endless tea-parties and gardening and others see to have those lives thrust upon them. With Frodo, it had been both. Overshadowed by his more famous uncle, nobody ever seemed to take any interest in him.
And that was the state of his life when the Wizard Gandalf showed up in the Shire. “I’m looking for somebody who’s brave enough and strong enough to take the One Ring to Mt. Doom in the center of Sauron’s Kingdom and cast it into the fire”, Gandalf said.
“Well, I’m just a small Hobbit who’s never gone on a quest or done anything like that”, Frodo replied.
“In that case, it would be a lot easier for you to hide from the Nazgul and other enemy spies. You’re just the right person for the job.”
And that was how Frodo was chosen to be the Ringbearer.
-Joseph Heller
Hoops – terrific job with the Stephen King. (balrog) – tee hee.
from Encyclopedia Baggins and the Case of the Purloined Palantir by Donald J. Sobol
“…you’ll go by the name Underhill, and meet me at the Prancing Pony in Bree.”
Sam looked frightened. “Won’t you be coming with us, Mr. Gandalf? We’re not supposed to leave Hobbitville on our own.”
Mr. Gandalf shook his head. “No, I have to visit Mr. Saruman over at Isengard. He said that he’s seen orc uprisings around Isengard and Helm’s Deep, and even legions of orcs making preparations around Minas Morgul! There’ve even been troops coming up from the south, so you might even get to see an Oliphant, Sam!”
“An Oliphant! That’d be swell!”
Mr. Gandalf smiled, but looked more grave as he went on. “We’ll need to warn the people of Minas Tirith that an attack may be iminent, and he’ll know best what to do. You boys remember to travel only and night and avoid the main roads. And whatever you do, don’t hitch-hike. It’s very dangerous!”
Mr. Gandalf gathered his staff and hat, then headed towards the door. Suddenly, Frodo “Encyclopedia” Baggins stood. “I’d wait to take that trip to Isengard, Mr. Gandalf. At least, not until you’ve arranged for a rescue from your friends the giant eagles.”
“But why?”
“Because I believe Mr. Saruman is a traitor, working for Mr. Sauron himself! He’ll capture you and hold you atop the tower while he builds an army of Uruk-Hai to fight for his new master, pursuing you into the mines of Moria where you’ll have to battle to the death with a Balrog, then sending those armies to battle the humans, elves, and dwarves at Helm’s Deep and then the Field of Cormallen until Sam and I can take the Ring to Mount Doom where we’ll be betrayed by Gollum who’ll destroy the Ring and Sauron’s power once and for all, at least until we return here to Hobbitville and find it under Mr. Saruman’s evil grip and have to defeat him ourselves and then journey to the west with you and Galadriel and Elrond and Bilbo.”
How did Encyclopedia Baggins know?
Mr. Gandalf sat with Mr. Aragorn and Mr. Baggins and the boys in the dining hall of Rivendell, enjoying the last of a great feast. “I hate to think what would’ve happened if I had gone off to meet with Mr. Saruman! But I must know, Frodo – how did you know he’d turned traitor?”
“I began to suspect when you kept talking about Radagast – I mean, Mr. Brown – when nobody else has ever seen or heard of him. But what settled it was Mr. Saruman’s words himself! How would he know that Oliphants are amassing around Minas Morgul unless he’d seen them himself? Oliphants only live in the southern regions!”
Mr. Gandalf smiled as the truth dawned on him. “I see! So the only way he would’ve known would be to have seen it himself, and the only way to see it is through a palantir! Great detective work, Frodo!”
Sam shook his head. “Well, I’ll go without seeing an Oliphant if it means I can have more of this terrific food! I’m having seconds!”
What, no link for the myriad Monty Python versions?
Hamsters ate this last week and I haven’t had the heart to type it again since then, but here goes:
Last week on Fellowship Island: The seemingly unshakable Hobbit Alliance sealed the fate of bossy Gandalf at the Elven Council. Voted out 7-2, the wily wizard was thrown off the Bridge of Khazad Dhum with a Balrog.
Stay tuned for the excitement this week…
Frodo: I think it’s clear we have to vote for Gimli. He’s been shirking his share of the chores, and I don’t think he’s ever fished before, no matter what he claims.
Sam: I’m with Master Frodo. I think the Dwarf’s got it in for you, Pippin. He’s got the elf on a short leash, but we may be able to swing the Men to us.
Pippen: Drat, if only I didn’t already have that vote against me from Fatty Bolger, even a tie would be ok.
Merry: Shhh!! here comes Elf-boy.
Legolas: Greetings my friends… I just wanted to let you know that it may be in your best interest to vote for Boromir. I’ve seen him looking rather greedily at the Immunity Ring. Gimli and I are thinking he’s too strong to keep around. Again, just letting you know…
<later>
Saruman: “That’s 2 votes Pippin, 4 votes Boromir… The next vote is: Boromir. Boromir, the Fellowship has spoken. Kill him, my fighting Uruk-hai!”
Next week: The surviving members of the fellowship are split into three tribes and sent to seperate campsites in the south. How will they react in close quarters when tensions run high?
[wipes coffee from monitor]
ahem
Edgar Allan Poe
And now was acknowledged the presence of the Dark Lord. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the Eldar and the Free Folk in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the White Tree went out with that of the last of the Free. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Will of Sauron held illimitable dominion over all.
Frodo had inherited the device. It was the original SR001 model, made in the technomagical laboratory of Sauron Industries, and the most powerful of the nano rings. Earlier models, such as the HR009’s and DR007’s had been built by the combined team of Sauron Industries and Celebrimbor Research. CR had gone on to make the ER003’s, with an in-built genetic pattern matching capability limiting their effectiveness to Elves and minor demi-gods. Unfortunately, CR had used sub-molecular patternform techniques developed by Sauron Industries, little realising that these had trapdoors, designed by SI patternform programmers, that allowed later nano rings, such as the SR001, to assume command and control functions. Even so, these devices were powerful and much sought after by specialists and while the SR001 was lost and inoperative, the ER003’s were much used.
Gandalf was a Maiar combat operative, or Istari, with specialist mini-people knowledge and enhanced firepower capabilities. When he discovered what Frodo had, he sent Frodo and a support team of dietary consumption specialists (a.k.a. “hobbits”) to take the SR001 to the remote mountain magical-industrial complex of Rivendell Life Sciences, where the Elvish researchers working for Elrond, chief executive and main stockholder in Rivendell Life Sciences, would develop a policy for dealing with it. Gandalf would travel separately, relying on his personal bio-transport unit, Shadowfax, to get him there.
Frodo and hobbits encountered a number of Sauron Industries’ biomagical weapon systems on the way. Some, like the mutant lignin life form living in the Old Forest, were very early models, dating back to SI’s predecessors MorgothCorp and Angmar Biomagic. Others were SI’s own creations. Deadliest were the Nearly Autonomous Zoö-Genetically Upgraded Lifeforms, or NAZGULs. These were sentient biomagical constructs, based on human DNA, equipped with visible and IR radiation detectors, as well as…
<many pages of design specifications for NAZGULs, ORCs (Opponent Repression Construct), WARGs (Wolf, Augmented Rideable Grade) and other Middle Earth creatures later…>
… “Damn,” said Aragorn, as he examined Frodo’s wound. “Looks like you’ve been infected by a synthetic virus of some sort.”
“What do you mean?” asked Frodo. “He stabbed me with a dagger and the point broke.”
“Yes, but the dagger was just the insertion device. The tip was designed to break off and infect you with the virus.”
Aragorn checked his diagnostic kit’s readouts. The kit recognised the virus but since it was so old, a Gondor SX004a, standard issue to Gondoran squaddies three hundred years ago, Aragorn knew it could only delay, not cure the infection. Frodo’s life signs did not look good – raised heart and respiration rates, low blood glycogen levels, fluctuating core body temperature – suggesting the virus was acting quickly.
“It’s a mutated retrovirus, developed by Sauron Industries from earlier MorgothCorp models,” Aragorn told Frodo. “Basically, the virus re-writes the genetic code in cells of the hypothalamus, making you more susceptible to external suggestions.”…
<… the reader yawned. The technobabble was getting to him. If there were too many descriptions of exotic, imaginary gadgets and the book would be closed, for good…>
… Elrond, CEO of Rivendell Life Sciences made the keynote speech at the conference. He presented the basic options open to the opponents of SI’s plan for corporate dominance. Input from Gandalf and the RLS special projects team contributed to the final plan.
Frodo would go to Mordor, SI’s technology park and use the powerful Orodruin geothermal furnace to destroy the SR001. Frodo accepted the mission. A combat team would escort him. It consisted of Aragorn, special forces operatives seconded from Gondor, Erebor and Mirkwood and the dietary consumption specialists. Gandalf would be OC with Aragorn as his XO.
Frodo was given a suit of KDC308v combat armour. The suit, developed by the now defunct Khazad Dynamics armament works, was made out of MITHRIL (Micro Injected Titanium High Resistance Integrated Links). It was one of Middle Earth’s best pieces of kit. He was also given a Standard Target Identification Neo-Glaive or STING personal weapon, with special circuitry to detect any system showing Sauron Industries’ technomagic signature.
Aragorn had his own personal weapon, an ANDURIL (Anti Nano DNA …
<… the reader jerked awake. Shame, he thought, once he had gathered his thoughts. Nice plot but the mock technology was getting in the way. He closed the book and looked for something else to read…>
An excerpt from Samuel Beckett’s, “Waiting for Frodo”
Sam: Come on, let’s leave this place.
Merry: We can’t.
Sam: Why not?
Merry: We’re waiting for Frodo.
Sam: Ah! (Pause) You’re sure it was here?
Merry: What?
Sam: That we were to wait.
Merry: He said by the tree. (They look at the tree.) Are there any others?
Sam: No, they were all torn down by Saruman. What is it?
Merry: I don’t know. An Ent.
Sam: I don’t see any leaves.
Merry: It must be dead.
HAH! I love the beckett one… The thread lives again…
H. P. Lovecraft, anyone?
Lovecraft’ s been done. Check the first page.
See? I toldja nobody reads my posts! 
Oh dear God! I nearly hurt myself laughing at this one!! Bwahahaha!!
I have laughed so long and hard at this thread that I am starting to scare the kids. 
Hmmm, let’s see…
*
I went into an 'obbit-'ouse to try to soothe me fear
The ‘obbit ‘e stood up an’ said “'ave you brought fireworks 'ere?”
The boys out in the yard they laught and giggled fit t’die
I outs into the street again an’ to myself sez I,
Oh, it’s fireworks this and fireworks that an’ “Wizard, go away”,
But it’s “Thank you Mister Gandalf” when the orcs come out to play
The orcs are come to play, my boys, the orcs have come to play
And it’s “Thank you, Mister Gandalf” when the Nazgul come to play.
*
From “The Wizard and the Hobbit”, by Rudyard Kipling.
I’m unworthy! These are all so great.
But that never stopped me before:
Ray: Ha! We’re back, you’re listening to Ring Talk with us, Rick and Rack the Tappit Brothers, and we’re here to discuss Rings, Ring Destruction, and-uh the answer to last week’s puzzler.
Tom: I can hardly wait. (guffaw)
Ray: This one was given to us by Bilbo Baggins from Bag-End. After running from a dragon and being cornered by an ugly weirdo in a wet cave: What have I got in my pocket?
Tom: I have to say, this is one of the most Bo-o-o-o-gus puzzlers you’ve ever given.
Ray: Oh, hush up. The answer is this: a ring of power. Do we have any winners?
Tom: Oddly enough, we had over 144 entries by some fellow named Smeagol, but not one had the right answer. So no one wins the $10 gift certificate from Rings Dot Com.
Ray: Well, that’s a first. But I guess it had to happen eventually.
Tom: Hey - do you know what time it is?
Ray: Time to change the air filters in our Uruk-Hai odor purifier?
Tom: No, it’s time to play, Stump the Chumps! (weird music) This is the part of the show when we dig up a caller from a previous show to find our if our advice was wonderous, blunderous
Ray: Or scandalous. Who is our lucky player today?
Tom: Frodo Baggins from Bag-End. His problem seemed to be that his Ring wasn’t starting reliably. Perhaps you remember:
(flashback music)
Frodo: And so when the wraiths cornered me on Weathertop, I put the Ring on, expecting to become invisible. But for some reason, they had no problem finding me and one even stabbed me with his poisoned sword.
Tom: What model is this again?
Ray: He already said, it’s a Chrysler 1600 One-Ring. Weren’t you listening?
Tom: Oh, yeah. By the way, was your name spelled with an “oh” or a “u”?
Ray: We already asked him that part too! Where have you been?
Tom: Out getting doughnuts, actually. Do you want one?
Ray: Oh for heaven’s sake. Um, has it ever hesitated for you before?
Frodo: No, never.
Ray: Do you know anything about the previous owners?
Frodo: Well, my cousin Bilbo gave it to me, but before that he says it was owned by a little man named Gollum who ate fish all the time.
Tom: Fish! I knew it. Is the ring damp when you first start it up in the morning?
Frodo: Why, yes, yes it is!
Ray: Aw, no, you’re done for.
Frodo: Why? What does that mean?
Ray: Well, these older models may have had very powerful engines, but they were susceptible to flooding. It’s likely that this Gollum character didn’t care and wore the ring fishing.
Tom: Or just as likely found the ring in the bottom of the river!
Ray: (chuckle) yeah, right. And when it started to work against him, he passed it on to your unsuspecting cousin, who pawned it off on you.
Tom: You know, you could just put up with the problem.
Ray: Yeah, right. I’m sure Mr. Frodo has better things to do than to put up with this. Plus, as time goes on, as you use it more and more, you’re likely to fade away and become a wraith yourself! (HaHaHa!)
Tom: Which also has the benefit that you won’t have to pay for your beer anymore.
[end flashback music]
Ray: So, what advice did we give to poor Frodo?
Tom: We advised him to sell it to some unsuspecting chump for the first gold coin he could find. Because the only honest thing would be to toss it into the lava of Mount Doom.
Ray: OK, Frodo, are you on the line?
Frodo: Yes.
Tom: Now, before you answer, we need to confirm that we haven’t spoken since your last appearance on Ring Talk.
Ray: And that the answer you’re about to give has not been influenced by our staff, the staff of NPR, or that brilliant “Light of Galadriel” charm that we sent to you.
Frodo: No, of course not.
Ray: So, did you sell the ring?
Frodo: Well, I took your advice more seriously than you may have thought. Because you mentioned that in good conscience I couldn’t sell the ring to anyone else, knowing that it was cursed. So I decided to take it to Mount Doom to throw into the lava.
Tom: Get outa town!
Frodo: Absolutely. And it’s been quite the trip so far. My best friend Sam and I met up with the previous owner, and have been working our way into Mordor.
Ray: Well I’ll be. (fanfare music to indicate a correct answer)
Frodo: So you guys do give good ring advice…
Ray: Which you very wisely ignored. Good luck to ya, Frodo.
…and the Balrog would be brought back…and we’d still be no closer to the end than we were in the first three books…
sigh That’ll teach me to post without checking up on the past thread for a bit…
In my defense, I didn’t start reading Lovecraft until this thread was at least in the middle of the second page. I didn’t remember what was on it… sob can you ever forgive me?
"I need a holiday, Gandalf. A very long holiday. And I
don’t expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to…
(music swells)
Sitting at home,
In my hole, all on my own.
Any hobbit would envy me.
But I need more,
Need to see the dragons soar
Beyond the Shire, a little past Bree...
(crescendo)
To see the elves and the dwarves and kings
To see spiders and trolls and rings
To visit with Elrond and then,
The Mountains, I must see the mountains again.
Frodo's a good lad,
There no arguing that.
But lately I'm just feeling thin.
Like butter on too much bread,
I feel like I should be dead.
And I must get away from my kin...
To see the elves and the dwarves and kings
To see spiders and trolls and rings
To visit with Elrond and then,
The Mountains...
Yes, those mountains...
(music fades to a sad, longing whisper)
I must see … the mountains… again."
–From Menken and Ashman’s soundtrack to Disney’s LotR
(And you know… I actually wouldn’t mind seeing that…)