ABC would have Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters competing to interview Janet Jackson.
Fox would sign Janet and Justin Timberlake for a 13-week reality show.
On NBC, Tim Russert and Doris Kearns Goodwin would spend 20 minutes discussing the historical parallels between the halftime show and Marilyn Monroe’s breathless rendition of “Happy Birthday” at JFK’s birthday party. Then Fear Factor would have a blindfolded male contestant trying to rip bustiers off the female contestants.
PBS would cut away for a 20-minute pledge drive promising that we wouldn’t see programming like this anywhere else.
If it happened on ESPN, there would be a super slo-mo comparison between the camera cutting away and the sudden switch by NBC from the Jets-Oakland game to Heidi.
A&E would repeat their Biography of the Jackson family.
Bravo would have the Queer Eye Guys commenting on Janet’s choice of jewelry and Justin’s so-1990s stubble.
CNBC would have Keith Oberman’s Countdown, including
#5 --beginning of the number
#4 – Justin’s hand
#3 – a random clip from the XFL
#2 – Janet’s expression
#1 – an extreme closeup of the boob
MTV would compare it to other music video boob shots and VH! would do “I Love the Boobies” and “Behind the Boobies” and show them 40 times in the next seven days.
Lifetime would have a made for TV movie, “Our Boobies, Ourselves”
No need to worry about what E! would do. It’ll be this week’s True Hollywood Story.