On Palm Sunday I went to a quasi-family wedding – quasi in that I was not related to the bride or the groom, but the person with whom I went was, and I consider her family, and we always go to family weddings with one anotherso as to provide cover if one of us wants an excuse to leave early. At any rate, it was a ceremony to which I felt some minor obligation to attend but wasn’t especially looking forward to.
That said, it was the best…weddig…ever. In the sense that best = funniest.
The first thing that was noteworthy was the attire of the groom and groomsmen. Each of them was wearing the traditional tuxdo, or rather 95 percent of a tux. The 5 percent that was missing, though, was the tie. This was a trifle surprising, but ey,lots of guys hate ties, right?
But ah, that was the beginning. You see, the best man, in addition to eschewing the tie, also chose to wear his shirt unbuttoned all the way to his belly, perhaps to show off his abs and improve his odds of getting a bridesmaid. You may think that this is something the bride would object to, but her attention was perhaps diverted by the sight of her 7-year-old son sitting in the front row with his grandmother and great-grandmother. The latter relatives were encouraging him to rip open his brand new Ghost Rider action figure and assemble it so he would have something to play with during the service. Sadly, they did not encourage him to pick up the detritus he was creating, instead allowing him to leave bits of Johnny Blaze-themed packing material in the aisles.
The bride’s attention may also have been diverted by the fact that another of the groomsman, perhaps feeling his tux was incomplete without a tie, chose to wear his camouflage hunting cap to make up the differece.
Another item which may have distracted the bride was the choice of music to be played. The pre-ceremony music, playing on tape, was something tradiotional and orchestal; however, when the groom walked down the aisle, the music changed to the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars. I did not recognize the music to which she came down the aisle, but I am told it was the theme to Disney’s Little Mermaid.
The bride’s attire was far more conservative than her groom’s, and both she and her attendants understood the uses of accessories, so there was nothing to mock there. She managed to keep an angelically calm face throughut the proceedings, which was probably made more difficult by the fact that her groom kept chewing his gum throughout the service. No, that’s not entirely true. He chewed his gum while she recited her vows (from memory). But when it was his turn, he dug into his pockets, retrieved what appeared to be a cocktail napkin, stuck the gum on one said of the napkin, and read his vows from the other side.
Oh, and he put the gum back in his mouth when he was done.
Let’s see, what else? Oh, yes. The lighting of the unity candle was delayed when the cassette tape boke in the middle of the song. A frantic search for a replacement ensued, but, alas, no one had thought to bring one. But the bride was a trooper and insisted on continuing. However, by this time her candle had gone out and for some reason could not be relit. So she tried to light the unity candle with the grooms, but not only was that effort unsuccessful, but his candle also went out and would not relight. Even the candle-lighting device failed, as apparently Hephaeastus had turned against this union at this point.
And, as I mentioned, the minister forgot to tell the couple to say “I do” or to say “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” Perhaps he was nervous; perhaps he was hoping to make things easier if the bride chose to view any of the above as a sign.
