At the end, Austria-Hungary has a nervous breakdown and falls completely apart. So does the Ottoman Empire.
Seems to me that’s how most of the people in the bar remember it.
It reminds me a lot of “Funny or Die”'s “Playground Politics” They take kids and put T-shirts of countries on them and they act out political situations all kid-like and adorable.
I think Russia was already slamming Germany’s head on the ground at that point when America joined in the fray, partly to help stop Germany’s wild and desperate flailing but also to keep Russia from pulling down Germany’s pants and raping him. France, Italy and the low countries were secretly praying for America to succeed on this last point, even if France was giving America the stink eye just for form.
Of course it’s going to turn incredibly gorey when Austria and Turkey are cut up into pieces after the fight.
Russia subsequently says “Holy shit, you can bring guns to this bar??? :eek: Ummm, would everyone excuse me? I have to … ummm … pick up something from home, I’ll be right back.”
(The above (and anything else, really) is funnier with a Russian accent.)
In Russia, is no Russian accent. I dome to great democratits Amerika. I now have accent very funny. And flush toilet.
I would like to point out that with all the servants (read colonies) WWI is more like a fight at a garden party then a pub brawl. Made worse since all the ladies and gentlemen actually know how to fight.
Indeed, I’d picture it more or less like this.
I’d say it was more like Russia was letting himself get pummelled by Germany waiting for Germany to tire himself out, which was not a bad plan as Russia weighed twice as much as Germany. Unfortunately for Russia, he had been surprised at the exact timing of the first punch and was not as in control of things as he would have like to have been. He managed to stay on his feet the whole time, but there were a few moments when he was afraid he might stumble. He was glad that America was handing him things to hit Germany with (even if he didn’t want to admit it) but wished he’d help out by punching Germany a bit himself and would periodically ask him to do so. America had been distracted a bit by a slog-fest with Japan, but finally agreed to start punching Germany too. By this time though, Russia was feeling better and knew he was eventually going to kick Germany’s ass, so he didn’t feel like he needed America’s help as much. In the end he probably got out of it with fewer injuries because America helped out, but his injuries were pretty severe.
Nonetheless, once he got his wind back Russia was casting the ol’ rape eye all around the room. America got all up in his face about this, puffing out his chest and pointing his finger: “Don’t you dare lay a finger on my friends!” As said friends huddled behind him.
For a moment, it looked like the fight would continue, even bloodier than before. Glaring, Russia stared him down a minute, but then said, “Vhat about the vones on de floor, den?” glancing at the prone forms of Poland, Hungary, and Czech.
America, after thinking a moment: “Eh, take 'em, I don’t know them so well anyway.” And so the fight ended, with America in possession of the room’s only shotgun, and Russia dragging a few weakly struggling bodies out to his van.
After the initial brawl, America was feeling pretty damn good but just about everyone else was poor as a church mouse. Austria-Hungary and the Ottoman Empire left entirely and were replaced by their various cousins; Germany and Russia sounded like they were dying in the infirmary, and when they came back they didn’t act the same. Russia, who’d ducked out of the fight a bit early, actually looked like he managed to find at least one more serious scrap on the way to or from the ER.
Germany was on the hook for paying for the whole mess; America didn’t care that much, but France, with his arm in a sling and some serious scars on his face, wanted every last cent with interest, and this after the winners had made Germany apologize in public for the whole thing. Russia, meanwhile, was ranting about how much better everything was now that he’d found his new philosophy and how everyone would soon be following his path. (That last bit seemed to have some … undertones.) Most of the rest of them were trying to forget the war as well as they could, and America in particular was having a fine old time drinking it up with France and writing long books about how meaningful drunkenness and the dissolute life were.
Meanwhile, Britain and his manservant/buttmonkey Ireland began to fight. Again. This didn’t last long, but at the end of it Ireland was two, except not, and they got really offended when anyone confused them. Him. (It would get a bit simpler later.)
(Nobody was thinking about Japan, especially when it came time to hand out stuff grabbed from the losers in the last big brawl. Whatever.)
Germany had taken to kicking his own ass. The instability would have been worrying had anyone cared a damn about Germany’s problems at that point; mainly, France and Belgium were angry he’d begun to miss payments on his debt, so they began to ‘rent out’ space in his home. He’d also gotten into the eccentric habit of carrying enormous wads of Monopoly money around, but, again, everyone except America was pretty poor. When he stopped with the Monopoly money, he seemed to come out of it a bit and began to make wonderful art. The voice in some locked-away corner of his head still wouldn’t stop ranting.
Actually, everyone was feeling artistic; America especially began to fool around with bits of wire and vacuum tube and film and light and shadow, something everyone seemed to want in on. Great! Great! SHIT!
America learned, a bit later than the rest, that nobody can really figure a damned thing out when it comes to why the world takes a shit on your head. Experts only agree the other experts are wrong, and some not even to that. In any event things got worse.
Germany began to rant openly. He took to wearing odd clothing and beating himself worse than ever, once cutting himself with broken glass. After a little while he more-or-less stopped that and just took to ranting. Russia started looking at him funny again; Poland, sitting between Germany and Russia and glad to be on his own again, looked around and couldn’t catch anyone’s eye.
Italy had also stopped kicking his own ass and was strutting around like a big-jawed peacock. Spain, on the other hand, had just begun, and Germany looked like he was helping on the sly. Actually, a number of others were, on both sides, but Germany seemed to want it more, and afterwords Spain looked like Germany and Italy, who had recently beat on Ethiopia until that guy fell down. Germany, meanwhile, was ranting and sharpening a knife he wasn’t allowed to have and eying Russia, who was just eying Germany and sharpening a blade, occasionally cutting himself as if he’d almost begun to forget how.
Some of that stuff belonged to China, who was standing outside in the rain in a tattered and comical general’s costume that was apparently assembled from remnants of several different military uniforms. He tapped on the barroom window and pointed to stuff that Germany and others had stolen from him. Everyone ignored him. He was also a bit nervous that Japan was pacing around angrily outside, fuming about having been left out from the spoils after the big bust up. After not too long, Japan started glaring at China, saying “what are YOU lookin’ at?!” tearing off bits of his uniform and grabbing away a coal bucket China happened to be carrying. (Looking outside, Russia frowned at this and was later seen having strong words with Japan.)
Finally Japan worked himself up into enough of a frenzy that he just started whaling on China’s ass out there in the parking lot. Everyone inside ignored this. America did start getting mildly concerned, though, after a while, 'cause China owed him money. Finally America told Japan to knock it off, and stop coming in and drinking on his tab. Japan glared at America and muttered something about how he’d remember this, but went outside again at least for now.
The OP was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.
Well, it was a rather heavy barstool.
Excellent **Johnny L.A. ** Should be required reading in history classes.
If you could visit the UN and describe current conflicts this way I think they could see the absurdity of war.
Just to be clear, I didn’t write it. I got it from another message board, and the poster there said he received it in an email.
It’s been touched up a bit, but the original is from a poster named Dave Rogers at the JREF Forum:
http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?postid=6074868#post6074868
Similar to something I posted 5 years ago: If WWII was an online RTS…
Pretty funny, OP (or Dave Rogers!)
Meanwhile, at some point Russia thought it would be a good idea to try a punch up against Poland, who had just walked into the bar having been invited by England & France.