If WWI were a bar fight

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I read this on another message board, and I thought it amusing enough to share. I don’t know where it originated.

If World War One was a bar Fight…

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

2

Germany is clobbering Britain and France, who see Romania walk into the bar, and yell “get this guy off us.” Romania gives Germany a weak slap on the ear. Germany and Austria give each other a “who does this clown think he is?” look, and they both beat the shit out of Romania while Britain and France dust themselves off.

3

Turkey’s sitting off to the side watching the fight. Britain suddenly reaches over and grabs Turkey’s drink off the table and throws it at Germany. When Turkey complains to Britain about stealing its drink, Britain shrugs it off but then Germany buys Turkey a replacement drink. Turkey decides Britain is a dick and Germany is an okay guy. Turkey has Germany’s back now.

4

And while the fight’s going on inside the bar, Japan’s out in the parking lot, stealing Germany’s hubcaps. Australia sees this and tells people that Japan might start taking other people’s hubcaps next (especially Australia’s who is parked the closest). But everyone else figures Germany had it coming and they’re not going to worry about what’s happening way out in the parking lot.

5

Britain manservant who is in the bar with him, known as India is told to fight and agrees on the condition he be allowed to buy a drink on his own from the bar when the mess finishes and Britain agrees and then when the war ends, he cuts the guys pay and holiday rights.

India: I think I’ll quit.

6

Towards the end, everyone start puking from the food poisoning they got from the pub’s crappy grub (read “1918 Spanish Influenza”), and this takes the enthusiasm out of the fight.

7

Obviously a lot of opportunities here for Mr’s Nerdy McNitpick, but the Japanese did send 14 destroyers to the Mediterranean.

Also, some Muslim Indian Army solders in Singapore had been goaded into mutiny by the Sultan of Turkey in his role as calpih. The Japanese aided the British in its supression.

8

I don’t know why the OP is so funny, but it had me in tears for about 5 minutes.
Thank you, Johnny L.A., for sharing!

9

I think that can be forgiven. The next Saturday, America ended up beating the crap out of Japan with one hand (after getting hit from behind with a bottle) and Germany and Italy with the other while Britain and Russian held them.

10

When I read it I thought it would make a nice sketch to put on video, with the countries represented by actors in period costumes.

11

Upon which Italy says, “Can’t you stay on topic?” and then switches sides and wins a pyrrhic brawl with Austria.

12

Hire the Barley Townswomens’ Guild.

13

Ha!

(Only, they didn’t wear the period costumes.)

14

At least, that was how America recounted the story.

15

So Australia pinches a couple of hubcaps itself. Britain and France send their houseboys out to the parking lot and strip Germany’s car entirely.

16

I’d say it was more of a case where Austria and Russia took each other out of the fight, with Germany helping buy tying Russia’s shoelaces together. Once Austria is walking around punch drunk, Russia celebrates by hitting himself in the face repeatedly.

17

So what would be the barfight equivalent to the ww ii nukes? America produces a Bowie knife and slices off one of Japan’s testicles - which isn’t enough, so he has to take them both. Unfortunately, Japan had already raped China.

The Soviets admire the knife from across the room.

18

After we film this, I want to see the WWII version.

19

In Colin Quinn’s new one man show on Broadway, he has a monologue almost exactly like this! It’s all about the recent wars in the Middle East, not WWI, but it’s the same set up of countries getting involved in a big bar fight.

20

No. The nuke is a shot from a concealed handgun. Japan had no idea it was coming, but the US had been signalling Britain and Russia across the room.