An adult-entertainment themed (read: completely nekkid) Casino Resort Hotel & Spa in Vegas.
And George Lucas. I’d probably get a good price for him, too, because he’s obviously already sold his soul.
I would buy a remote island, one with only one way in and no ways out. I would then populate the island with people like Anna Nicole Smith, Rosie O’Donnell, Vince McMahon, Marylin Manson, and others. Displease me, and pack your bags. Annoy me, and kiss your family goodbye.
I would also do something philanthropic (as if the island thing wasn’t enough…ya bunch of ingrates!). Depends on how uber rich I am. Am I uber rich, in that when I buy and sell you, I wait patiently for my change, or uber rich in that I say "Keep it.?
friedo, could I visit you? And stay for a month? 
I’d buy or build some unsuspecting small town in a relatively-isolated area, off major traffic routes, and with only a couple of roads in and out.
Once in control, I’d change all the signs to an uncommon lesser-spoken language like Esperanto, Aramaic, Elvish, or Lojban. I’d pay the people handsomely to learn the language and conduct their daily affairs in it. The local newspaper, TV, and radio would be exclusively in the new language, as would be the phone book, local web sites, the schools, advertisements, everything. There would also be a new number system, such as base 12.
I’d design new money, eating-customs, clothing, politeness rituals, and public festivals. Local buildings would get a coordinated makeover. A couple of new ones would be built, including one prominent central structure with a completely-incomprehensible use. Streetlights would receive a new and strange tint, and road signs and markings would be redesigned and replaced. We could pass it off as a location shoot for a new Peter Jackson movie or something.
Finally, on the roads leading in and out, I’d set up border posts with bilingual staff, to inspect incoming vehicles for ‘fruit fly infestations’ or some such actually-legal thing.
I’d carefully avoid any mention of this in the regular tourist literature and on maps. That way, unsuspecting travellers going up to the lake for some fishing, or whatever, would suddenly discover that they’ve apparently driven off the map into a completely-different world… 
I saw a picture once where some uber rich person had a very realistic cave built with a swimming pool inside. It had real plants growing on the walls and the lights under the pool made cool reflections around the cave. My version would have a waterfall on one end. The other end would be open to a grand scenic view from my mountainside aerie. If the weather too bad was too cold, it could be closed off with glass panels.
I would also have a big goldfish pond that would be partly inside and partly outside the house so the fishes, and even I, would be free to swim in and out as we pleased.
The big thing I’d like to do though is start a program for at-risk teens and young adults for them to learn the trades. It would be based on the type of work done by the Civilian Conservation Corps and the WPA (do I have the right intitals?) during the Great Depression. They would live in a remote mountainous area and learn on the job while while building a Great Inn like those now at Yellowstone, the Grand Canyon and Mount Rainier. They could learn construction, stone masonry, furniture making, landscaping and road, trail and bridge building. In their spare time, they could learn an art and perhaps have their work installed when the Inn opened. Or they could learn about the land and become nature or tour guides.
Once the Inn was finished and in operation, some could stay on to work there but every person would automatically receive a two-week free pass to stay there every year for life. Not only would they have learned a great trade that will give them a good income but they would be able to come back and say with pride, “This is what I did!”
And then we’d find another location and start all over again.
I can’t believe I’m the first one to mention building a giant trampoline room!! With padded walls made of velcro…awesome!
Ok, if I were disgustingly rch.
- I would have a dwarf in a cherub suit sprinnkling rose petals ahead of wherever I go.
- Not wanting to litter, I would have a crew following my path to pick up the rose petals. By hand, as vaccuum cleaner noise would disturb me.
- I will have two translaters with me at all times. I will direct them with subtle hand signals to occasionally begin simultaneous translations through bullhorns of my every word into these other languages; Vietnamese, Mandarin, Yiddish, and Hmong. Each succeeding sentence will be translated into two of these, and not the same two as the sentence before. As they speak, they will gesture wildly and shake their fists at their listeners, or each other. The purpose will be to intimidate visitors, most of whom don’t speak any of the languages.
- I’d have a couple of guys basically playing the role that Dennis Hopper played inApocalypse Now – people so overwhelmed by awe and LSD that they create bad poetry in their attempts to describe me.
- I will have another person accompanying me with a clipped British accent who says, “He’s right, you know” , after every declaration I make.
I’d build, then live in, a haunted mansion. A cross between the Addams Family and the Haunted Mansion at Disney World. With secret passages and everything. Then I’d invite people over for murder mystery parties!
I’d pay someone to pick up the dog poop on my property.
I would buy my own island near the west coast of FL, or try to have it created if I needed to. It’d only be about .5 square miles wide, and it’s where my really-well-built-but-not-ostentatious house would be. People would be allowed on by invitiation only. I’d have a glass-bottomed boat to take me into town so I could go shopping or pick up a friend.
I would also build a homeless shelter (uh, onshore) and develop some kind of program to help them get back on their feet.
Sunspace, that’s effing brilliant! Will you give us a hint where it is, or do we just have to drive around and hope to trip over it?
Most interesting would be how many accidental tourists decide to stay.
I’d buy a disgusting large amount of land (maybe half of montana or something) and build a giant house, a barn, and an airstrip. I would have secret tunnels, and hidden rooms all around the house, and the hallways extra wide so I could drive a go cart from place to place.
My home would never be finished, always building something new and cool. I’d go for the trampoline room, and a several story high rock wall. Several giant swimming pools. I’d have some neat animals on my land, elephants, giraffes, alligators (not all together). Oooh, and my own private aquarium, with a huge shark tank.
Yeah, I don’t think I would ever leave.
I want a submarine.
- Fund research into warp technology, orbital space stations for residential/industrial use, cryogenics for long-term manned missions (in case the warp tech doesn’t work out), terraforming (areoforming) Mars, deep ocean exploration
1a) Warp technology: build warp-capable ships and probes to explore
1b) Orbital space stations: pave the way for humanity in space
1c) Cryogenics: manned missions to Proxima Centauri, etc.
1d) Terraforming: for Mars, perhaps for Venus if viable
1e) Deep Ocean Exploration: mining, applications for space travel (high-pressure hulls) if possible - Hyper Building arcology in each major city (as seen on the Arcosanti website)
2a) A fleet of zeppelins constantly circling around the Hyper Buildings and some searchlights flashing at them during the night
2b) A network of bullet trains connecting each HB
2c) Hi Opal! - I’d create a new television network that will air on broadcast TV. It will play all my favorite TV shows and cancelled shows (Firefly, Angel, among others)
- Try to see if I can plant enough trees in the midwest to see if it’ll have an effect on tornadoes
- A medieval castle built with modern accomodations such as high-speed Internet, Olympic-size pool, spa, numerous bedrooms, gargantuan dining halls, a club, a bar stocked with basically every kind of drink ever conceived, a wine cellar to match, an underground bunker that can sustain myself plus 100 of my closest friends for 40 years
I would also dig a fountain soda dispenser. I’ll go for one of the traditional, stand-up fountains. It’ll have Coke, Dr Pepper, and 7-Up, diet and regular for all.
Next to that would go the taps. Speakeasy Big Daddy & Prohibition, Guinness, Corona, Newcastle, and maybe Coors light for those kind of people. All with the specific corresponding pint glasses, perhaps of the
Plus someone to handle ordering and installation of the kegs and syrups.
I’d get the biggest, baddest Mac on the market, possibly with a projection screen. Set up speakers with it, EyeTV, iTunes, and have the entire entertainment center based on the Mac. DVD player? Television? Who needs 'em?
I might buy Amoeba Records and leave it the way it is. Basically just so I could tell the cute hippie chick shoppers (and employees) there that I own it. Otherwise I’d leave it alone.
Some of my friends are in bands, I’d probably give them some money to get properly marketed. Some of them really deserve it.
Hybrid car.
Its been done. Winchester Mystery House.
I’d buy a bunch of land, and build a big cat farm. I’d take in any cat that needed a good home, and they’d have a home forever. I’d hire all the people I know who are cat crazy like me, and they’d look after and spend time loving all the cats. Then I’d hire a bunch of great vets to take care of health problems. The whole thing would be fenced so the cats could go out when they wanted (no vehicles allowed in cat areas). There would be separate areas for cats with infectious diseases, so they could live normal lives. I’d have special chefs making meals for the cats. All the living areas would have furniture the cats are allowed to scratch. There would be huge, swimming pool-sized litter boxes, cleaned daily. No cat would be turned down, they’d always have a place to go.
I would build me a racetrack. One like the track in Irwindale, California. Then buy me a bunch of race cars. I could race anytime I wanted and would win every race. Invite my new buddys Dale Jr., Jeff, Matt, and Tony over for a little BBQ and then we could go race. Of course I would win.
Maybe I would run for president too. Wouldn’t that be a hoot!
You know, I’ve always wanted a blimp.
Preferably something like a good-sized RV with a gasbag on it. Sure, you can’t break 53 mph in a blimp, but there’s something appealing to me about having a little getaway place floating lazily in the sky. Lots of windows, a fully-stocked bar, and maybe even a nice outside deck. And what blimp wouldn’t be complete without a nice big telescope?
Another blimp would be nice, too: a floating bordello. It’d help finance the first blimp, and it’d be perfect for customers in high-rise buildings. Hop on the Sex Blimp!
I would un-cancel Futurama (and if the rumors about Cartoon Network picking it up aren’t true, Family Guy).
I would do that with the language I’m creating. I would do it again with a second language I’m creating, and make something like Quebec.
Finally, I would buy some large expensive electronic devices, and throw them out of a window onto hard concrete, just for fun.