If You Don't Have Kids, And/Or WON'T Have Kids, Post Here

In My Humble Opinion
61

I’m probably never going to have children because:

  1. I’m a perennial spinster.
  2. Any pregnancy I have will probably be high risk since I have a stroke history.

I’m 28. Most people in my age group are married/ paired off with a S.O. and a small percentage are having kids. Since I ride the short bus in the dating world, if I ever find a soulmate I’ll probably be too old to bear children. I’ve come to this conclusion recently and it killed me because I love kids and had planned on having 2 - 4. Reality is a bitch, huh?

Regarding other people’s nosiness, I had to deal with an insensitive co-worker several months ago who told me I was lucky not to have kids - and this was when I was coming to grips with the fact that I might never have kids so that comment had me pretty upset. After a couple days, I had a serious talk with this dope. She apologized and realized that she should be more sensitive.

I’m continually amazed by people who believe that other women’s reproductive choices should be a discussion topic. Not just a discussion, a freaking debate! Oh yes Joe, you have convinced me that even though the world is horribly overpopulated and any pregnancy I bear has the potential to leave me severely disabled, it is my womanly duty to give birth. Thank you for showing me the light.

62

I’m 23 and, so far, I never want children. I’m too independent, and shall I say, selfish to raise a human being. Plus, once the kid enters school it’s the start of being screwed up by their peers and society in general.

63

Stop piling on Trunk - he’s right: pets aren’t people.

I’m 28, Mr. Snicks is 27, and it’s doubtful we’ll ever have kids. He feels more strongly about it than I do. He’s a very moral, ethical man, and he doesn’t want to bring a child into this world, which he views as full of suffering (tho’ it does have its moments).

My feelings are more ambiguous. I don’t really want kids, and had a horrible reaction to a dream in which I found out I was pregnant (I was terrified!), so I don’t really feel that I’m ready to have kids at this point. But I loves me my niece. And I’ll love her coming sibling and cousin. But it’s a lot of work that I’m not sure I’m up for. And SpouseO and I like our lives, like not having commitments, not being tied down. But I do worry about us and wonder what it’ll be like when we’re older - we won’t have adult children, won’t be visited by grandkids.

One thing that SpouseO’s mentioned that I hadn’t really thought of is how limiting kids are. For example, his father was “stuck” in a job he didn’t really care for because he had to support the family. Of course, he wasn’t actually stuck, but we all know how hard it is to effect change from the known to the unknown. And of course, he loves his children and didn’t really think of it as being stuck. But, stuck he was. And I’m not certain I want to put my husband in the same position.

64

Well, I skimmed this (thoroughly, I hope) and haven’t yet seen any remarks from people with kids who find it wonderful, as requested by the OP, so I’ll put in my $.02.

Actually, the OP said he welcomed remarks from people who find parenting so fantastic that they think everyone should do it, and I can’t really say that. During the 38 years I was without children, it felt like the right choice for me. I wouldn’t presume to second-guess others. I thought I’d never, ever, ever have children & that was fine w/me.

But despite my fears, and the fact that I’ve got twins, and that I’m a SAHM who’s given up her previous rewarding life (for the time being), I find parenting wonderful. Uniquely fantastic. Blissful, often. And I don’t particularly like kids - that’s kind of hard right now, I need to know other mothers, and that requires taking an interest in their children.

What’s unique about parenting, IME, is your kids are little versions of you running around. You see yourself in their expressions, their gestures, their chins and knees. But those traits are comingled with your spouse’s, and your favorite dead grandmother’s, and that mysterious “other” that nobody can ever identify. You watch them grow from totally dependent, expressionless blobs (not my favorite phase) to mobile creatures with desires all their own.

And they’re so damned cute. It is incredible how cute they are. They’re so soft, they smell good, their weight and density cuddles like nothing else.

And right now my son is trashing the living room, so I gotta run.

65

I love kids and I do well with them, but…

a) The world is not in good political-social condition. I decided many many years ago that I wanted to try to change it if I could.

b) I decided that being a world-changer or worldchanger-wannabe requires putting one’s safety and economic viability and other forms of social standing at risk from time to time, and this does not mesh well with raising kids.

c) One form of having one’s social standing assaulted is to be faced with the prospect of having one’s kids taken away. I couldn’t stand that.

footnote to c) Heck, splitting up with the other parent often means facing the prospect of losing custody of one’s kids, especially for males. I couldn’t stand that.

d) I decided also that if I were unable to change the world… and/or I did not see it changing of its own accord and/or change did not come, etc etc, … then ultimately, actually, I don’t really see it as fit to bring children into. We’ll leave room for me to change my mind about the desirability of any given change, but the general assessment, that a world where individuals are so disconnected from any sense of input into how the world runs is a world unfit for human habitation, is a good one.

e) I oscillate a bit —when I’m not thinking that there’s something badly wrong with the world, I’m sometimes thinking instead that there is something wrong with me. I don’t believe in “mental illness” in the medical model sense, but I’ve spent the majority of my life thinking I’m a bit different and some of those thoughts were tinged with worries that the differences weren’t all good. Certainly they have given me quite a bit of unhappiness, especially in childhood and early adulthood. Either way, if I had kids they either would or would not be a lot like me, and if they were a lot like me they would probably have problems living in the world. If on the other hand they were not a lot like me, they might have problems with me, and vice versa.

f) I didn’t hit anything even remotely approaching financial security — as in a baseline sense of continuing employment — until I was 34. When I was 38-39ish, I was unemployed again. Have had better jobs since then but by now I’m 46 and I *still[/ i] feel quite vulnerable to the random and unfriendly behaviors of the world of employment. I think I’d want several hundred thousand in stashed resources and no debts to speak of before I would contemplate children even if the above factors didn’t apply, so at the rate I’m going that would be around the age of 96.
I read about zero-tolerance rules in schools and I see abortion rights threatened and darwin kicked out and creationism brought in… ugh. I can contend with the world as myself, but I’d really have a bad time of it feeling the need to take on the world on behalf of a kid.

66

35 years old - I have never wanted children. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years and he feels the same way. I don’t particularly like children, I hate the sound of a baby crying, I’m selfish, I have a terrible temper; in short, I feel I would be a very poor mother and there is just absolutely zero desire to have a child. There has honestly never been a time in my life I imagined myself with a baby or raising a child.

No issues/comments from the family, my mom did ask me once if she had done something while raising me that made me not want to have a family, but I quickly assured her that she was a really great mom. I’m not sure where the lack of desire to have kids came from - but it definitely wasn’t from my parents who did a really good job.

Remaining childfree is my choice but I have nothing but good thoughts for folks who decide to have kids. I like shopping for baby presents for co workers/family!

67

This is a subject near & dear to my heart .

I am an almost 45 year old woman , single woman . I have never married , and to be totally honest , have little dating experience . But I have never had the desire to have children in my life . I have multiple reasons .

1.) I was ‘blessed’ to have a mother that had many hereditary health problems , not the least of which being osteoarthritis . I inherited it full-force , and I would DIE before I passed it on to another generation .

2.) I have NO maternal instinct toward my own species . Show me a puppy or a kitten or a foal … hell , just about ANY baby animal , and I turn to mush inside . Babies ? Not so much . I feel … nothing . Don’t think they are cute , don’t feel the urge to cuddle and coo . Nothing .

3.) The sound of a baby or toddler screaming is like an ice pick driven into my ear . Hard . I physically wince .

4.) I am a collector . I have many expensive , fragile porcelain horse figurines . Anyone care to guess what I would do to a child (even my own) that broke my $2500 1-of-10 porcelain Shire ? Hmmm???

5.) My dogs come first in my life . Period . I have 3 Papillons (Small , delicate little dopgs that break) and 2 Gordon Setters (Not fragile , but a bit boisterous for a small child) . I would never DREAM of getting rid of them for a baby . Quite frankly , the BABY would leave first .

6.) The world is too crowded now . I look around me , and this ol’ world scares the hell out of me . We are slowly destroying our world , and even if I CRAVED motherhood , I would not want my baby to grow up in today’s world . The threat of world wide war looming over us , the environment threatened , never knowing if the person living next door to you is going to go ballistic and blow up the block or is an unknown sniper will tak a pot-shot at you on the highway … no thank you .

I take my hat off to those of you who have chosen to undertake this task , and are doing a good job of it .

Anna

68

I don’t want to have kids. I’m only 23, so I might change my mind later, but I have felt this way for a long time. I am good with children, I am the second oldest in a family of 9 and I helped raise most of my younger siblings. I used to babysit for many families when growing up and because of my experience, I was a better mom than most of the women for whom I babysat. I used to take care of the 5 kids under the age of 8 across the street at the age of 16 or so and I would have the kids completely taken care of and the entire house clean by the time the parents came home 5 hours later.

I don’t want kids for numerous reasons.

  1. I have mental disorders and I wouldn’t want to pass that on to anyone. I know it runs in the family because my mom has the exact same problems that I do and her mother suffered from them too.

  2. There are far too many people in this world and there are way too many children who don’t have homes. If I did have an urge to have children, I would adopt.

  3. I’m not interested in money and it is very likely that I am just going to end up making enough to support myself. I would want at least one parent to stay at home while the child was growing up and I don’t even know if I will ever get married, much less find a job or an individual that makes a large amount of money that would enable me or my partner to do so.

  4. I want to make the world a better place no matter how cliche that sounds. Right now I am either looking into cognitive psychology where I will push the frontiers of human knowledge or ecology where I would help protect the environment. If I have children, I would want to focus on them.

I am not anti-kid. I love babies and have thought about working with sick children before. I just think that the world is overcrowded and that having a child wouldn’t be in my or humanity’s best interest.

69

I want kids. Eventually.

Right now I am 24, getting married in a few weeks to an almost 26 year old. Before he has kids he wants to go back to college and finish his degree. I agree. I also think we need a bigger house and more money. We have just enough money right now to pay for our tiny house, pets, food, and booze. We are also having way too much fun being young, lazy, and drunk. It’s hard enough finding someone to watch the dog when we go away for a weekend, I can’t imagine finding a babysitter every time we want to go out! “What do you mean I can’t just go out and drink?” “What do you mean the baby needs food? We just fed it yesterday!” I am seriously considering an IUD for the time being.

I have very little doubt that some day the clock will ring and I will need a baby. I also have very little doubt that it will not happen in the next three years. Preferably five years. I have gotten no gripe about this yet, except some playful banter from my dad “Sooooooo, is it just the cats then, or will I have a baby on my knee by the time I’m 60?” (He just turned 51, BTW) Of course I will have to face my evil grandmother soon, what with the wedding and all. I can’t wait to hear what she has to say about my empty womb.

I actually have very little desire to be pregnant, as well. I think about what it would be like some times, but some women really seem to think that they need to rent themselves out for nine months to feel like a fulfilled woman. At this point I really would rather adopt a little girl from China. No need to create a new one when there are already unwanted ones ready for the loving!

70

No biological kids, but I have 2 stepchildren that I inherited 12 years ago and have spent that time trying to undo the damage done by the biological male parent.

During my prime reproductive years, I didn’t want kids because I didn’t think I would be a good father to them and it wouldn’t be right for me to saddle them with that burden. Once I had matured enough to think I’d be a good dad, it was too late in life. I don’t think that people should have kids after age 35. The age gap does make a helluva difference and it’s not a good one.

71

I’m 36. Perimenopause has set in and the first thing I thought was “Yay!” (Apparently my biological clock is set on FFW.)

I have no urge to have children. I don’t hate them but I’m not crazy about them, either. I think part of it has to do with how Gen X hasn’t learned how to discipline the little X’s yet. If you want to let Jr. scream his head off instead of comforting him, fine. But fer chrissakes TAKE HIM OUT OF THE LIBRARY FIRST!

I used to fantasize about all the things I’d teach my kids – nursery rhymes, cat’s cradle, the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven” – until I realized that I’d also have to change diapers, deal with earaches, fevers and seizures (my family is very prone to seizures in the first 3 years), cuts, scrapes, temper tantrums…give me a niece or nephew instead!

While noodling around online I found this site www.childfree.net and it says all of this better than I could.

72

I have kids.

HOWEVER - had I known 12 years ago what I know now, I might not have.

Don’t get me wrong: Dweezil is a loving child who lights up my life. Moon Unit is a bright, vivacious child who will (if I let her live) grow up to rule the world. They give me great joy and I don’t regret having them.

But - Dweezil has autism. Moon Unit has ADHD/PDD/ODD/whatever alphabet soup that makes her a very challenging child requiring a lot of professional help. Of the 5 grandchildren in my family, 4 have developmental issues ranging from “difficult” to “will never function in society”. Apparently, we’re a real genetic train wreck. Had I realized all this 12 years ago, Papa Zappa and I might have stayed childless. And I definitely won’t be begging for grandchildren - these genes should stop reproducing.

We’re beyond exhausted all the time, and childbearing has apparently done permanent damage to my health.

Not to mention the whole world situation (dwindling natural resources, terrorism, global warming) that give me the impression that adding more consuming bodies to it is not such a great idea. But that’s more of a Pit / IMHO rant so I’ll stop with that angle…

73

The nosy questions about why one doesn’t have kids are just as annoying when you actually plan to have some.

We’ve been married for less than a year, but already the questions have started. Relatives have speculated that I might be pregnant, and have gone so far as to snoop in my bathroom looking for birth control. I’ve been asked, “What are you waiting for?” A coworker once put her hand on my belly as if to say, “You knocked up yet?”

I think it’s pretty reasonable that we get used to/enjoy our new marriage for a while before changing our lives completely. If a friend asks me if I plan to have children, I’m not offended at all. It’s just the assumption that I should do it NOW that bugs me. I’m well aware that I’m 32 and my clock is ticking. I don’t need other people to remind me.

74

I’ll be 40 in three weeks…

No kids. Not now, not ever. I just never wanted children. When I was younger, I heard all the time that I would “change my mind”. Um…nope.

I truly do not understand those who say being childless is “selfish”. Really? And who would I be doing a favor for by giving birth? Who am I depriving of “benefit” by not? I don’t get it. :confused:

It amazes me that there are indeed people out there who think it is socially acceptable to inquire about or comment on the fact that I do not have children.

“Do you have children?” big smile
“Nope…just a very spoiled cat who would like to think she’s a kid”
“Oh” smile instantly deflates “Well don’t you LIKE children?”

As if that would be the only reason for remaining childless and anyone who doesn’t have a kid is an ogre. (For the record, I used to like other people’s children just fine…but it is true that the older I get, the less patience I have for them).

If someone is flat out stupid enough to ask me why I don’t have a child, my stock response is “Why do you ask? Because misery loves company or something?”. If said with a properly sweet smile, it usually gets them to shut up…while not being quite sure if I am joking or being insulting.

75

Don’t have kids, don’t want kids. Pretty much don’t like kids, especially little ones. Older ones who are smart and well behaved are the exceptions.

This has been true as long as I can remember–even as a small child I would tell people I didn’t want to have babies, and I hated baby dolls. They said I’d change my mind when I got older–I never did. Couple that with the fact that, although I’m female, I tend toward the masculine end of the spectrum, interests- and habits-wise, and the thought of being pregnant is not only repulsive to me, but it’s almost unthinkable (in the sense of, “women get pregnant. Not me.”)

I have no maternal instinct. Sometimes I joke that I might have made a good dad, but the whole “nurturing” thing that seems to be expected of mothers is just alien to me. The sound of babies crying and little kids shrieking (and especially little kids repeating the same thing over and over) drives me crazy. I doubt it would be different if it were my own.

Early in my days dating da spouse, I still remember a conversation we had as we drove to his home town to visit his parents for the first time. “When I have kids…” he said, and I froze. “Uh…” I replied, “We have to talk.” Despite the fact that I was in love with him, I was willing to walk away from the relationship right then and there if he had his heart set on kids. It wasn’t fair to him to deny him kids if he wanted them, but for me it was simply not an option. I don’t have many dealbreakers, but this was one.

Everything worked out well, though–we got to talking and he realized (without help from me) that the whole “when I have kids” thing was a result of a very traditional upbringing, where he was simply going along with the script, with what was expected of him. I think it was kind of an epiphany for him that he didn’t actually want kids, and he didn’t have to have them just because that was what people did.

He got a vasectomy very shortly before we were married. I offered to get fixed since I was the one with the issue, but he volunteeered (since it was easier, less expensive (we were college students) and he was as sure as I was). I grilled him pretty thoroughly on that, because I did not want to be the cause of his making such a drastic decision just because he thought it was what I wanted.

16 years later we’re still going strong, having fun, and doing well. I’d say we were in our second childhood, except I’m not sure we ever left our first one. :slight_smile: He used to get flack from his parents for awhile, but they’ve long since given up. I think his three siblings’ 9 children had something to do with that. It’s not like they’re hurting for grandkids.

My parents? My dad never said one way or the other, and my mom wholeheartedly supports my decision. She’s never given me even a minute of trouble about it. She thinks we made the right decision–and I suspect she knows that protests, if she had any, would fall on deaf ears anyway. :slight_smile:

Oh, and we do have three cats that we love dearly. Whenever we get out in public with a shrieky kid, we just look at each other, smile knowingly, and say, “kittens are quiet.” (and much cuter, in both our opinions.)

76

I’m 42 and I do not expect to have kids.

Until very recently I would not have made a good father. I was unable to maintain a decent emotional relationship with a woman–I barely knew what that meant–and that would have severely affected any children. My father’s absence from emotional relationship with my mother and I affected me in not-good ways that it took me a long time to understand. I have very strong opinions that a father should be there for his kids, and I knew I did not want to pass this family pattern of absence down to another generation.

If I should meet someone whjo already has kids, that’s something else, and I’m open to it. I actually get along well with kids between the ages of speaking and teenagerhood. But I haven’t been around babies or very young children much, so I really don’t know what to do.

77

I applaud you for your honesty. Too many young women think that they can have a career AND a child, and it never works that way. All too often the little tyke gets shoved into day care, or with a nanny, or whatever.

78

English is not my first language, so for a very long time I thought that “pompous ass” meant some kind of a sophisticated donkey, only having read your post did I realize how wrong I was.

79

While highly illegal, I think boobytraps and claymore mines are indicated here, as is a broken finger (maybe two) for the cow-orker touching you. I’m imagining adopting the Robert DeNiro Al Capone/Jimmy Conway/Sam Rothstein/Neil McCauley archtype should I ever find myself in such a circumstance. “Do you write with you right hand or your left? Better tell me now, 'cause I wouldn’t want to break your check-signing hand.” :wink:

I don’t really have a point to make, but I’ve a few observations on the responses:
[ul]
[li]It’s not just parents and family, but coworkers, casual acquaintances, and indeed total strangers who seem to feel the need to presume upon others’ family decisions. While in part this is probably part of the erosion of social manners in modern society (the tide of which Judith Martin and her like are attempting in vain to stem), I wonder at the other motives of people doing this as well. Is it also a desire for one-upmanship, like the snot who asks everybody else about their class marks so he can taut his own? It is a way of gauging how much you share in common with another? A topic of presumed acceptible conversation between parties with little else in common? Maybe even a misguided attempt at encouragement or advice? I wonder how many of the inquisitors realize just how offensive they are being.[/li][li]For parents desiring their children to generate grandchildren, it seems like a kind of cultural impetus, like the white picket fence and big showy wedding; one needs grandchildren in order to compete with the neighbors. Few grandparents today actually spend a significant amount of time with their grandchildren (excepting those who have to act in loco parentis owning to the abandonment by natural parents) and can hardly stake a claim to having some lifestyle impact to having grandchildren, any more than they could claim great financial distress if someone were to steal their Christmas dinner settings.[/li][li]I notice a lot of these quiescent grandparents insisting that their children have a duty to “continue the line” or “pass on their genes”. This argument may have had some validity in a medieval, aristocratic society but really doesn’t hold any water in a modern society where land is more often bought and sold than handed down from generation to generation.[/li][li]Similarly, I notice that a lot of intended childless argue about there being too many people or the damage wraught by bringing and additional child into the world. While I have a tendency to share such apocalyptic visions I think in this case they tend to act as more of a defendable explaination than a sincere (and presumably altrustic) motivation for just not having children. I don’t know that I’d consider it dishonest, given the pushy and intrusive nature of many requests for an excuse for not having kids, but it is perhaps deceptive, maybe even self-deceptive. I don’t think such an influence would prevent someone who did want to have children from having them and raising them in a socially responsible and environmentally conscious manner. It’s just too blunt and confrontational for many to simply say, “I don’t want children.”[/li][li]Not having children seems to be regarded as being selfish, to the point of self-identification by those who wish to remain childless. I find this a rather curious point of view, as it implies that some kind of cultural or social selflessness comes from providing the world with children. Speaking in a strictly evolutionary sense, reproduction is an extremely “selfish” act, which insures that your genes (and memes, and property) are continued in perpetuity; in a sense, a grasp at immortality. This, as with the points above, seems to be a rather disingenious argument regarding the decision on whether to have kids. [/li][li]Not having children, or having them significantly later in life, seems to be a result of the “infantilization” of modern society, in seeking to extend the period of education and play, and deferring the onset of reproductive (social) maturity. We’ve discovered that the world is a much bigger place than from here to the town limits, and want to explore more of it, or spend more time being inventive and sociable, than is permitted by (responsible) parenting. This is not dissimilar, methinks, in analogy to the biological infantilization undergone by the Homo linage and by the animals that we’ve domesticated. The cost value of having children, especially in reflection of the cost of education, medical expenses, perceived hazards, reduction in career and intellectual opportunities, et cetera, is much greater, the rewards less significant. It is noteworthy that in Europe, where space is at a premium and rearing costs are even greater, that birth rates have fallen even further, which is as much a problem as a benefit. [/li]
I wonder if, to make a very crude and simplistic analogy, this isn’t somewhat similar to the development of social insects with some who are content (in their case, owing to their genetic composition) to providing support to the colony as a whole rather than competing with siblings and more distant members of their species to carry on their genes. Human beings are, of course, far more than merely the clockwork orange of their blueprints, but perhaps a congruent statement could be made regarding social and cultural influences; that providing sustanance and support to society as a whole (even if only as a consumer of goods and a provider of labor) has sublimated the impulse for having and rasing children.[/ul]

Anyway, just some random thoughts, probably more appropriate to MPSIMS, but tangentially related to the current thread.

Stranger

80

Your last point ignores those of us who postpone childrearing until we are whole adults. It’s not just a hedonistic desire to play - it’s a desire to become healthy, so that we can break the cycle of abuse and neglect that would otherwise be our destiny.

And regarding the selfishness – if we were members of competing tribes, then adding to the tribe’s numbers would be a social obligation, would it not? I think that’s where a lot of it comes from. Your parents want to see their traditions continued, and they know that once you have kids you’re likely to return to their habits of thought and behavior.

The other part is that once you have kids, you’re constantly aware of someone else’s needs (ideally, anyway); you’re no longer the most important person in your own life. And you worry about the future, the world, your neighbors, for your kids’ sake. A lot of new moms talk about this - they’re surprised to find themselves caring about issues that never seemed to touch them before.