If you feel the need to check your SO's phone for texts & emails if the relationship doomed?

Are there any healthy, long lasting relationships where people regularly do this to their SO?

I think it’s a pretty good sign of trouble. Depends on the age of the people involved. I think younger people may do this sometimes because they’re still maturing and dealing with being in a relationship. On TV they always learn a lesson from it, and the relationship becomes stronger. I’m not so sure it works out that way in real life.

It would probably be [viewed as doomed] on my end. I find that sort of thing creepy and agitating.

Depends why they’re doing it, I guess. I think some annoying couples share everything and might look at each others’ emails just because they find them so adorably endearing to read. If they’re doing it out of suspicion though, I don’t see how it could mean anything but serious relationship issues.

I’ve heard of couples in the early stages of a relationship making mistakes because of insecurity. Sometimes under the influence of another. People make mistakes. A pattern of the behavior would be very different from a single incident.

23 years married. Not the happiest marriage but I have never looked in his wallet or e-mail. The only time I have looked in his pockets is when the pants are in the laundry.

I feel we both deserve some privacy. It hasn’t saved my marriage, but I don’t feel like a sneak.

True, but the question specified doing it on a regular basis.

I don’t know though, it can be really tempting to look when things are so available. Even if I found a stranger’s cell phone, I’d probably look in it just for fun (before returning it, of course), and obviously not out of suspicion. I wouldn’t generally go out of my way trying to snoop in people’s stuff, but when it’s right there, *begging *to be looked at…

I suppose it could be tempting. That’s still not procatively taking steps to stalk your partner though. It’s just succumbing to an accidental temptation. That seems forgiveable.

There might be one situation where it does work. If someone is a former drug addict for instance, the ongoing relationship may be based on the other party being able to determine if they are picking up bad habits again. But then it’s voluntary, so it’s not really spying or anything like that.

Yeah, if you’re trying to rebuild trust after you’ve done something to break it, then you should give the person permission to snoop. That IS a relationship with issues though. Possibly issues that can be overcome, but regardless it’s not a sign of a currently healthy relationship.

I had an ex look in my phone, and I wasn’t mad that he did. I left it right there unlocked, so why not. But it turned out he did have serious issues with trusting and that’s ultimately what broke us up, and it was totally his issue because I didn’t give him any reason to be suspicious. I never considered cheating on him.

I’ve also snooped on a couple of guys (not the above ex), but I was always right not to trust them. I got one’s phone from my car after it was recovered after he stole it, so you better believe I looked in that and used it in my revenge!

My husband and I are this annoying couple, and I do read through his texts sometimes (most of them are between us, anyway). He doesn’t read mine because my phone is way more complicated than his.

Yea, my parents share their passwords and the information in their accounts (each of them have their own accounts on various things). They’re very open and found it a bit disconcerting that I would not share my passwords with them.

I know a few Spanish couples who do it, but as a general “spirit of helpfulness” thing rather than “what has (s)he been doing behind my back?”. It’s done completely above the table; for example, one is busy and the cell beeps, the other one checks who it’s from and “it’s your mother” “oh read it to me please”.

I don’t see any problem with it if it’s like that; if it’s a matter of jealousy, then yes.

The thing with jealousy and suspicious is that unless you keep your SO under house arrest, there is always going to be room for doubt. Let’s face it- it’s not actually that hard for a cheating spouse to keep their phone or email clean. So even if you check the phone and it seems okay, that suspicion will not go away or be satisfied. If you indulge in suspicion and insecurity, it will always eat away at you.

That suspicious is poison a relationship. It undermines the health of the relationship. The only way to really have a relationship (outside of Taliban Afghanistan) is to have a basic foundation of trust that is stronger than your insecurities and suspicions.

Snooping is almost always a sign that a relationship has lost that trust, and it’s probably the beginning of the end. But it’s not the snooping itself, as much as the motivations behind it.

I would dump someone who did this.

Actually, probably not; if you asked me ten years ago, I’d be equally strident about “I would dump someone who cheated on me.” But I think I can safely say it wouldn’t do the relationship any good.

I did look through my GF’s browser history once, just to see if there was any porn I could emulate, but I only skimmed.

mrAru and I have our own email accounts, and phones. I will answer his phone, or he answer mine if we are busy and the other isn’t. I will ask him to check my email, or I will check his - again on request. Upon request he will rummage through my purse for something, though I have never needed anything out of his wallet that I can think of. After 20+ years we pretty much have no secrets from each other. Though I can not really think of any reason for me to go through his phone or his email account. [or his computer hard drive though nobody mentioned that either]

I’m not sure the relationship is doomed, but I can’t imagine a really healthy relationship where this occurred.

Assuming that the OP means *covertly *checking each others’ messages, well… if I feel the urge, that’s a very bad sign. And I’d sure as hell dump anyone who was snooping in my stuff. So yeah, probably doomed.

Most of us arent perfect and the motivation would probably be a factor, eg if they got really done over in the previous relationship cheating wise.

The issue would be how it went over time, and how it was talked about rather than doom in itself in my view.


In general, I think it would be a symptom of pretty significant relationship issues.

Typo Knig and I have each other’s passwords (hell, my gmail is usually signed in on the shared desktop) but that’s more a matter of convenience (and we have everything in 1Password anyway). I don’t go into his email unless he explicitly asks me to check on something (and now that he’s got a smartphone, he can check it himself). That may have occurred twice in the last 15 years. I also have no reason to believe he’s gotten into my email. Poor guy would be bored to death if he did!

Something the OP didn’t ask: watching each other’s spending. In our case, all the money is pooled and most transactions go through either our shared checking account or a shared credit card account. In addition, I handle all the billpaying including reviewing the credit card and balancing the checking account. Makes it difficult for my husband to surprise me with anything!! I’ve suggested he use his own non-joint credit card, which is fine… but then I still review / pay the bills at the end of the month :D. So, de facto I have a close eye on what he spends but it’s not intentional snooping.