I’ve been with my SO for almost two years. I’ve put him on a pedestal, thinking and believing that he’s the greatest guy on earth.
Yesterday he hacked into my email because he was suspicious about a friend I email with. This friend lives in Japan, I live in Indiana. My SO thinks we have some kind of inappropriate relationship going on.
Fine, you think something is going on, but breaking into my email is one of the worst examples of betrayal I can think of. He could have asked me about it, he could have done anything other than what he did.
I love this man, we are engaged. But right now I don’t know if I can continue to be with him. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he did this to me and it is breaking my heart. Any trust I had in him is gone. And obviously, he didn’t trust me or he wouldn’t have done this.
He’s apologetic, he says he knows what he did was wrong, but he’s still pointing the finger at me, saying that I lied to him about the friendship and his undertone suggests he feels perfectly justified in doing what he did. I have never lied to this man, nor have I cheated on him or done anything that could be regarded as cheating. I have been committed to him from day one. The fact that he doesn’t believe that is tearing this relationship apart.
I had some problems trusting my wife (of 22 years) in the early stages of our relationship. I mean, how could this woman possibly love me? But I never did anything squirrelly like what you’re describing; never even thought of doing such a thing. I think you should be very, very cautious in proceeding with this relationship. Remember that it’s a lot easier to lengthen or break off an engagement than to get out of a bad marriage. What we have here is a horrible start.
Also, never let a man run over you. We’ll do it every time if you let us.
I just wanted to say that I feel really bad that this has happened, Indygrrl.
I don’t really have any suggestions, save for I always believe it’s valuable to explore where the behavior comes from. Do you feel you can have an honest conversation exploring the concept of trust? Yes, this is a betrayal, but it can also be a valuable opportunity for you both to know each other even further. It sounds to me like there are buttons/sensitivities on both sides here. My wish would be for you both to be able to open up and talk about your fears/issues, and for each to know from that conversation (or series of conversations) that you can count on the other and that even in times of great stress, the relationship survives.
Does that make any sense? (I know I’m babbling. I’m at work.) My gut reaction is that your man is testing you to see if you’ll abandon him if he’s really, really bad. WAG.
On preview, but understanding motivations/underlying issues DOES NOT mean you can’t establish boundaries!
I’m not sure that the burden of repairing this lies on you, Indygrrl.
You’re not the one that’s snoping into his emails.
And it doesn’t sound like he really accepts any responsibilty for his behavior- a forced apology doesn’t count for much in my book.
Indygrrl, I’m really sorry this has happened to you, too. Unfortunately I can’t think of many scenarios that I would think this was OK. My SO and I will have been together nine years come April, and we still ask each other what the other’s passwords are, getting permission, before ever going in voicemail.
The only thing I have to ask you is, have you given him any reason to distrust you? Really? E-mailing your friend does not count, but do you talk about this friend excessively, compare them, or anything? If so, then perhaps you want to sit down and talk to him about whatever behavior is bothering him.
If you find out what is bothering him, and it really is miniscule, you need to ask him if this is the way he’s going to react every time he suspects you. Trust can be developed, but snooping into your e-mail is definitely underhanded and causes me to worry about him. It’s a warning sign, and you should take heed and find out the root cause.
Good luck to you. As **kelly ** said, I also had some troubles trusting my SO way in the beginning, but it was also because of low self esteem - how could he love me? Find out if that’s where it’s stemming from, and draw some limits.
I sent this friend a couple of pictures from a photo shoot I had done, and I had a conversation with him over the phone. The conversation was on Sat., and I had planned to mention it, but since I knew it would end in a fight, I wanted to wait until we were at home or someplace where we could talk about it.
I’m not saying I’m innocent, but I have absolutely no designs on this guy. He lives in Japan, for God’s sake, and he’s not my type. I indulged in a little internet flirtation, but that’s all. My fiance knew I was emailing him, but I hadn’t yet told him about the phone call. I probably crossed a line by talking to the guy, but I have never done anything in this relationship to warrant suspicion of this kind.
I just think he could have asked me about it instead of spying on me. That’s the bottom line.
If your hubby-to-be had done what you had done with someone that lived in Japan would you be OK with it?
What is she lived in California?
How about Ohio?
I don’t see how the distance between you and your email friend should make any difference. It is what you did that is bothering him.
Now about hacking your email. Well, that’s plain wrong as well. But in a relationship, evidence gained without a proper search warrant is permissable in court. You can’t ask him to forget what he learned about you just because he went about gaining that knowledge in a bad way.
So is he OK with your special friend in Japan or not?
Just how intimate were the photos you sent to Japan?
You may feel that what you did in email was not wrong but he gets a vote in that as well.
Okay, Indygrrl, I flirt all the time over the Internet. My SO knows it. I don’t think you have crossed the line, but it may be difficult for him to understand it.
Realize that every relationship needs a LOT of time and investment. Has he done something unforgivable? Well, pretty nigh, and you need to tell him that. You haven’t violated his trust, he’s violated yours, and I advise you not to let this get settled by make-up sex or anything like that and get swept under the rug. This is a trust issue.
If you love him, tell him that. I know it sounds trite, but don’t say “You were wrong,” say “You really hurt me by doing this.” Make him see what it did to you.
And I don’t know if you’re the crying type, but don’t cry while you talk to him. Men tend to pass women’s tears off as emotional silliness. If you talk to him seriously, he will all the more impressed by your seriousness.
I can’t promise you any of this will work…but it sounds like you are willing to try. Also remember - it always takes both, working as hard as they can.
The pics I sent him are the same pics I’ve had posted on several mbs and such. Nothing that a million other people haven’t seen.
And, since he read the emails, he knew the goofy nature of the topics. It’s more like, hmm, what’s it like there? And him showing me pics of his students that he teaches. He’s married as well. There’s no ulterior motive, just a lonely girl who has had a rough winter thus far who likes having a friend in an unusual place.
He’s friends with someone he lived with and had sex with for months, so I’d say that’s far more intimate. I have no problem with it, because I trust him. Therein lies the difference.
It sounds to me NOT that you’re worried about him not trusting you. . .but that you don’t share the same criteria for what breaks trust.
I’m not sure that came out right.
Here’s one take. Apparently you did the following things.
Emailed this guy some photos of yourself (the nature of these were what?)
Talked to him on the phone (and didn’t tell your man)
Indulged in internet flirtation with him
Some people are going to view those things as breaking trust. Some aren’t.
Regardless, there’s a deeper question here. . .if you did break the trust first, does that justify him breaking it?
I don’t know. That’s for GD or somethig.
If you want to marry the guy, you need to figure out a couple things.
What is allowed in the relationship.
How you’re going to handle matters when it goes beyond what is allowed.
If you weren’t honest with him, and didn’t want to discuss it, maybe he thought his only option was to snoop your mail. If the way the two of you handle your problems is by being deceptive, that’s something you should really work out first, because it ain’t gonna play well in a marriage.
I was going to discuss it, I just hadn’t gotten a chance yet. It had only been two days, and we were going to a party on Sat. and a family thing all evening on Sun. It would have been a bad time to bring it up.
We haven’t ever handled our problems by being deceptive, this is a first. And it’s why I’m so devastated by it. I am a very honest person, I have told him from the beginning that I will always be honest, no matter if it’s something difficult or not.
I want to forgive this, but right now I can’t think of him without picturing him sitting there reading my emails. I would absolutely never do anything like that.
It’s just breaking my heart. I love this man so much. And, to reply to Anastaseon, we did talk for a long time last night. I’ve told him I love him and that I want to work on things, but damn, I woke up this morning and I was so mad. I’m just hurting so much right now that it’s blinding me to anything else.
Here’s a clue. When you’re married, abandon all hope of privacy. If his reading your mail is going to freak you out, even if he did it just to see what you were up to, then you need to not be married.
No comments on what’s right or wrong, just saying that if you’re serious about having a marriage that will work long term, then you got to get used to the idea that 100% privacy is no longer a realistic expectation. And yes, sometimes you also have to restrict personal relationships out of respect for your mate. Sometimes.
You're planning on marrying a guy who pitches a fit when you talk to a friend on the phone? You really want to spend the next N years of your life defending yourself everytime you chat with someone of the opposite sex? Bugger that for a lark.
I’m not a therapist, but I’ve seen this sort of thing before. Your guy is insecure, sneaky, and controlling. The road ahead, if you stay together, is frought with huge potholes and washed-out bridges.
The man who sees his woman as somebody he has to keep on a leash or in a cage will lose her, and rightly so. Some jealous men think, “She’ll run around if I don’t restrict her and keep a close eye on her. I know I would.”
This part is for the both of you. Be realistic. The only way to make your SO want to stay with you is to be the best SO that you know how to be. Beyond that, there’s nothing you can do. No amount of jealousy will ever keep a mate from straying. If you don’t trust your partner, pretend that you do.
An email relationship CAN BE much more intimate than a “friend” relationship even if the friend was an old lover.
Further, you’re playing “what’s good for the goose should be good for the gander.”
Well, if it’s not “good for gander” then you need to respect that. If you want to marry him, and he can’t get past flirtatious internet relationships, then you need to stop your flirtatious internet relationships.
If you don’t want to stop that kind of relationship. . .if you need it. . .if he can’t provide what that gives you. . .then you either can’t get married or you’ll need to get used to being married to a man you think is a jealous, whacko, petty goon.
Everyone’s definition of what consitutes ok behavior in a relationship is different. The issue to me is that your potential husband and you have DIFFERENT views of what is acceptable AND you two don’t know how to communicate with each other about these differences. He is automatically assuming that what you are doing is cheating, and you are assuming that he’s going to flip out when he finds out.
IMHO, communication is the number one thing that facilitates trust… and I don’t mean just being able to tell your SO about what happened. I mean that you should also be able to hear and understand his concerns as well. But this is a 2-way street. He needs to be able to hear what you are saying and understand your views as well.
My dad once told me a piece of advice that really has helped me keep my marriage of 10 years strong:
“Marriage is not a 50/50 situation. Marriage is a 100/100 situation. Both the huband and the wife have to give 100% effort into the marriage if you want it to work.”
How does this apply to your situation?
What is your SO telling you when he says he doesn’t like it when you talk to this guy in Japan? What is he REALLY telling you? I think the message he is really sending is that he is not secure enough with the relationship to think you are going to stay with him. You say that talking with this guy from Japan is nothing. So how do you get that across to your SO? I don’t have an answer for that. It’s something that you are going to have to figure out. Give 100% to the relationship to demonstrate this issue isn’t what he thinks it is.
At the same time your SO should also give 100% to the relationship to try and understand that policing every e-mail you have is not going to make the situation any better. He needs to communicate his feelings to you so that you understand completely his insecurities. How does he do that? Again, I don’t have that answer, but he’s going to have to figure it out and do it in a way that isn’t threatening to you and facilitates communication between both of you.
Giving 100% into a relationship isn’t easy. There are things I do and change every day because I want my marriage to work. I don’t consider these to be concessions or compromises. I make these changes because I know it will make my wife happy, and make my marriage stronger. I also talk about these issues with her so she knows my perspective. She also does the same thing. It’s a 2-way street. We do this constantly and as a result, we trust each other implicitly, we know what will cause problems with the other, and most of all, we work well together.
I hope all this makes sense. It’s the only way I can really describe it. I hope everything turns out well for you and I wish you both the best of luck.
I agree with Inigo Montoya. Once you are married, you will not have privacy like you had when you were single. I’ve been in a good marriage for 5+ years. The thought of there being anything in either of our emails (or snail mail) that would be a big, fat, hairy deal if the other read it, is just not compatible with our marriage.
Neither is snooping. I have journals. He knows reading someone else’s journals is inappropriate, so I know he won’t do it. But I also know that the truth is I need to be a team player. I’m just not going to be writing about some other guy in my journal, I’m too darned married for that!
Sometimes I really miss the privacy, especially when I’m having a mood swing. I miss being able to get mad at myself and slam doors and be dysfunctional with no one to judge me. But being part of a married team also challenges me to handle disappointments and anger better, with more maturity.
In a good marriage, it is almost a paradox in that you don’t have privacy but you do have trust. You manage the boundaries together.
To the OP’s situation, marriage involves living your life like an open book. I always recommend pre-marital couples counseling to anyone I know who is engaged. I hope you and Indy-SO will look into it.
Wow, I’m shocked and I’ve never even meet you. You’ve always spoken of your man with such high regard I can’t believe he did this. I’m so sorry.
I can only speak for me when I say if my man snooped in my emails, I’d be horrified because that’s just not part of the person I think I know. The only advice I can offer is to ask if you still love the person you think you know now?
Breathe deep and stay calm in discussions, Indygrrl.
