What were the early signs?
How did you adjust your parenting to meet their needs?
Was it difficult to maintain reasonable expectations?
My daughter was precocious at just about everything, from rolling over to reading. When she was tiny, I had to “adjust” my parenting a bit, because she was always ahead of where I expected her to be. You just don’t plan to childproof when your kid is less than three months old, and it’s a bit of a surprise to have to buy a bed for a ten month old who insists on flinging herself over the side of her crib.
The important thing is just to keep her stimulated. Talk to her, and actually listen to what she’s saying. You’d be amazed at the conversations you can have with a toddler, if you’re paying attention. Read with her, play with her, when you watch tv with her, discuss what you’re watching. Be sure to socialize her adequately, because very bright kids can get too comfortable in their own heads, and sometimes lack patience with other kids.
When she gets older, watch for signs of boredom and frustration. Obviously bright kids are easily bored, but I think that we forget that they’re also used to “getting” things quickly, and thus tend to have a lower than usual tolerance for frustration. Very bright kids can be very lazy. Don’t cut her any slack on that.
Good luck!
Fessie, you might want to check out the Davidson Institute for Talent Development. They have a few very selective programs for really amazingly gifted kids, but they also provide a lot of resources for parents and educators who are trying to figure out how to work with gifted children.
I have to echo this - that was my son’s biggest issue - the boredom and frustration. Once she’s in school, make sure you’re communicating with the teacher too - that helped my son a lot, my making sure the teacher knew what was going on.
I ain’t got nuthin’. I just came in here to read how the other half lives.
Speaking on behalf of the other side, the gifted children, let me echo the above statements regarding frustration and boredom. The hardest lesson any gifted child will learn is patience, which is also the lesson they most need to pick up. Yes, while they’re in school they can expect to whizz by on native ability and knowledge, but the real world is going to be a brick wall to the face without the necessary skill in perseverence. Your child will need you to challenge them, give them tasks that take true work to succeed at.
The second thing they’re going to need from you is respect at an early age. Gifted kids are often adult intellects with a child’s emotional sensitivity. If you talk down to them, treat them as anything less than an equal, they’re going to shut down and ignore you. Yes you’re the adult and you’ll need to set ground rules, and sometimes that means invoking the “just because” explanation, but bargaining and reasoning with a gifted child is often the best bet. Always try to work with them on an adult intellectual level before using parental authority.
Third, unless you’re very fortunate in your area’s available gifted programs, your child is going to struggle socially. I don’t mean to say that you’re raising an idiot savant, but rather that their emotional peers will rarely be their intellectual ones, and vice versa. Finding that balance is going to be hard, and will probably take support from you, because they need real friends as much as anyone else. Missing out in this area can cause the most long term damage of anything, yet it’s also the one parents can lose track of in their quest to prove how Little Jenny/Johnny is the Most Brilliant Kid in the Whole World.
Fourth, everything I’ve just told you will probably be wrong. Every kid is different, and should be treated as such. These are just broad guidelines based on my experience and those of my friends.
Priam has it right, some other things to look for:
Gifted kids may be lazy - they don’t often need to work at things, so they’ll only do the things that come easily. Their 70% is better than most people’s 110% - why bother giving 90%.
Gifted kids will probably have other interests than developing their gifts. They may be really good at reading, but not really want to read “classics.” They may be good at math, but not really that interested in math club. They may show no interest in the Science Musuem and every interest in knowing every Pokemon card out there. This can be infurating for the parent who has decided that their four year old reader is certain to grow up to be a famous novelist, or that their math whiz is going to be a great scientist when the two of them form a garage band and spend all their time with their ‘music.’ But they have to live their lives.
Luckily, my school offered a gifted program. Once a week, you go to the highschool and take classes. It was ridiculously fun too - there were tons of classes offered, from French to Dissection to Medieval Times, Mythology, German to Computer Science, Genetics, some fun math-related courses (not working out homework type problems - applied stuff), just tons of stuff they don’t really get into in regular school. It was all hands-on, not filling out busywork worksheets. You pick what classes you want to take. We did tons of projects. I was sad when I finished sixth grade and it was over. I think it really kept a lot of us from getting bored - we were the kids who flew through regular schoolwork, so we got to go to Galactic (name of program) and actually get stuff that challenged us but was fun. Then your Galactic ‘homeroom’ teacher would come to your elementary school and do more stuff with your Galactic group. It was just a totally awesome experience. You get to meet kids from all across the district too, so when you get to junior high or highschool, you already know some of the kids that came from other schools.
I was obsessed with books as a kid (still am, just not enough free time!) and my mom never objected to taking me to the library. I always had a supply of books. And while I had plenty of ‘regular’ toys (Barbies, Ninja turtles etc) I also had a lot of fun toys that were more on the educational side.
I sometimes wonder about describing kids as “gifted.” I mean, my kids are pretty smart (honors and AP classes, top 5-10 percent of their classes and 2 of 3 do exceptionally well on standardized tests). But my wife and I consider ourselves reasonably smart, so we expected little less (avoiding significant birth defects, etc.) They seem to have areas in which they are different than others - one kid excels at bassoon, one kid has a very creative imagination, and the other kid’s “gift” is probably her work ethic. But are any or all of them gifted, requiring that we “adjust” our parenting styles? I don’t really think so.
We had problems with our grade schools’ gifted programs as they were not tailored to individual kids. I mean, they might take them out of the class my kid needed/wanted to be in the most, and what they offered might not be in the areas each individual kid needed/wanted most. And to some extent my kids did not care for the social stigma that came from being pulled out of class. To whatever extent my kids may be “gifted” academically, socially, at times I wonder if they are retarded. We were always able to provide them stimulation at home, through books, toys, activities, etc. But the one thing they got best at school was figuring out how to get along with other kids their age.
We never let our kids get away with bad grades. We made it clear that they are intellectually capable of getting mostly As, and as kids that was their primary job, which would open doors for them in the future. I think a smart kid who presents himself as getting bad grades or acting out due to boredom might have some emotional or disciplinary issues in addition to their gifted intellect.
And another thing we made clear to the kids is that they need to learn how to succeed within the system. The teacher may not always be right, but they are always the teacher.
As they got older - like HS - they appreciated that getting good grades was a way in which they could be successful compared to their peers. They never were really good at or interested in sports - an area where young children often attain social status. We also required that they participate in some activity in addition to school. All 3 did music to some extent, 2 of them at a pretty high level. The 3d was in boy scouts and made eagle, and is currently active in theater and madrigals. And the 2 older got jobs when they turned 16 (which will come next year for the youngest). We committed ourselves to supporting their interests with our time, emotions, and money, but in return expected them to put out a good effort, at least for the duration of their committment.
So I guess we are pretty demanding, but I’m not sure that we would have been less demanding of our kids had they been less intellectually capable. Whatever our kids’ abilities had been, we would require that they identify some interests and activities in addition to school, and put forth a good effort both at school and in their recreational interests.
Well, with my daughter I really noticed it when she started using her telekinetic powers to pester the cat.
Oh,
Things we noticed with our kids. Our kids are both tagged with the gifted label, but they are gifted in very different ways.
Our son could do puzzles at a pretty young age. Good grasp of spaces. Good problem solving abilities - he figured out how to move chairs around to get on top of the cupboards to get to the candy pretty young. Showed a lot of early independence (would get his own juicebox or change his own pullup). Is physically gifted - could do things like hit a baseball early. On the other hand, showed no patience for books, no interest really in words, spoke late, was tagged at 33 percentile for speech development at 3. Now is one of the best students in his second grade class.
Our daughter is a very different child. Recognized the concept of written words at eighteen months (Mommy, there are words on this bottle!), spoke full sentences. Very verbal. “Invented” addition at two, multiplication at five. However, no patience, clumsy, still can’t do puzzles, little independence. Intellectually lazy. Emmotionally immature. She is seen as more “typically gifted.”
I think it was early verbal skills that tipped us off. He wasn’t early with anything physical (and in fact walked quite late, and never crawled but did this weird scootching thing).
We haven’t really adjusted our parenting. We’ve been evolving as he grows just like the parents of any kid would.
I will say that i wished I’d done more reading about gifted kids–there are things I would have understood better and battles I would have chosen more wisely. For example, I have been highly frustrated with his seeming inconsistent respect for authority. However, in doing some reading I was reminded that gifted kids really can’t stand things that lack logic–so they can’t accept without question rules and statements that seem illogical. This helped me make sense of a lot of this behavior.
As for expectations, his intellect is ahead of his emotional development, and we subsequently expect too much of his maturity sometimes. I also think we’ve fallen short on some teaching of social skills. He’s picked up so many other things so quickly, we sort of assumed he’d pick up everything that way. But that’s not the case, and he needs more assistance with certain skills and life abilities.
Moon Unit is labelled “gifted”. We didn’t do anything special as a result of that label (or to try to attain that label), mainly because she is what they call “twice exceptional” (or something like that): social/emotional/ADHD problems which really get in the way of the gifted label.
She didn’t hit milestones especially early. In fact, at age 2 we had her evaluated by the Early Intervention folks because her speech was delayed in comparison with her brother at the same age. When you don’t speak as well as a kid with autism, that seems to be a cause for concern. (they tested her and practically laughed at us… her speech was right on target, her brother’s speech was actually advanced in comparison with his age peers. Go figure.).
So we’ve mostly been concentrating on behavioral support/retraining. She does go to a G&T school this year (our district offers GT services in the neighborhood schools, but also has separate schools which have classrooms which are all GT students). So we have to do a lot more monitoring and assisting of homework because of the higher workload.
There is “gifted” and then there is “gifted”. By that I mean, gifted means different things to different folks. My kids are both reasonably intelligent and in their school’s AGP program. To get into this they had to test above a certain IQ level (130?) on some standardized test which focused on verbal and math skills. This puts them about the top 1% of kids maybe, iirc. But they seem normal and maybe slightly above average to us. Of course we are parents, so we are biased. But they are not “scary smart” or likely to win a Nobel Prize or invent interstellar travel or anything like that. There are kids like that, and I’m sure some Doper parents have experience with that. Young little Mozarts, Einsteins, Doogie Howsers. I can’t speak to that.
With our kids, we just make sure school isn’t moving to slow for them, challenge them as much as we can, and make sure that they have normal lives.
One thing I would say is that with most kids, they will be good at some things and not so good at other. Academically gifted kids often have trouble with socializing, maybe because they “don’t fit”, but possibly also because that’s just not what they’re good at and possibly they don’t care if they fit in.
I’m surprised this thread doesn’t have more responses. Seems every parents I have ever met tells me all about how “gifted” their kids are. My conclusion is that each and every kid is a marvel to watch and grow, and the joy of seeing just a part life through their eyes makes it seem like every moment is a miracle.
Now that may be, but somehow I doubt that every single one of these people that I have met have children that are exceptional. Probably 1/4 to 1/8 by statistical reasoning, but come on.
I only have two children, but I can usually find something exceptional and wonderful in every child I meet (at least until they become sullen teenagers). I’d be surely surprised if their own parents don’t see and focus on those same qualities. There is nothing wrong with that and I’d worry about parents that didn’t view their own offspring as exceptional in some way. It can tend to cause a “Lake Woebeggon Effect” but it’s something most people are hardwired for.
Well, my kids are little, and I don’t know that they are officially “gifted,” I guess that depends on what you mean by it. They are clearly pretty bright and I’m confident they could enter the GATE program, but they aren’t profoundly gifted or anything (whew).
Oldest kid (age 6): talked early and often, and drew very detailed pictures very early (I took one to the pediatrician and asked her if it was normal, since I wasn’t sure what to do about it–she said no, it wasn’t). I didn’t try too hard to teach her to read very early, but once I did, she picked it up–almost too fast, I felt like I was running after her with the phonics book.
Younger kid (age 3.5): also talked very early, and loves puzzles. She’s the one who hangs over dad’s shoulder while he takes apart a computer, though the older one is somewhat interested as well. Is now showing signs of wanting to read and write–not sure if I want to pursue that one yet.
Neither kid was in the least precocious physically. The younger one didn’t bother to walk until 17 months. They’re kind of one-sided, so I try to get them to run around a lot and encourage a bit pf physical bravery.
Oops, gotta run. I don’t know if I’ve changed my parenting style any.
Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions. I love reading about everyone’s kids; it makes this parenting journey so much more fun!
My dh and I were both labelled “gifted” - he has the Ph.D. to prove it (and no idea how to enjoy life), and I’m a classic guilt-ridden underachiever. Somehow my creativity never counted. So the temptation to “redeem” myself via my twins is pretty strong - it’s a good thing there are 2 of them to wear me out.
But I can’t tell for certain whether they’re “gifted”. They do some things that blow my mind (like, they can identify a dozen dinosaur species), but they’re not like Dangerosa’s daughter or Cranky’s son (which is what I was like, so that’s what I anticipated they would do).
But who knows - they’re MY kids, I think they’re absolutely brilliant. Which is why I have so much trouble understanding some of the stupid shit they pull. And then I think - cripes - they’re not even 3 yet - who’s the stupid one here? Maybe they need MORE chances to do stupid shit.
Sigh. I don’t even know what I would do differently if I knew for sure that they were “gifted” – probably feel more guilty for letting them watch so much Elmo.
Priam I do think you’d approve of the ways I explain things to the twins; I remember absolutely needing good explanations, so that’s what I give them. Until I hear the 500th “Why???” from her, followed by “What happened??” from him. Then it’s time for vodka.
I was “gifted”, I suppose - reading early, and always about five times as much as the next person in class.
One thing - don’t mind too much about the “quality” of what your children read/watch. Don’t try to limit them. Let them watch Elmo (whatever that is), let them read comic books, let them play computer games till their eyes burn red. If you forbid them from reading what they want and force them to read what they don’t want, eventually you will teach them that they don’t want to read. Bright children will get around to the intellectual stuff in time, usually alongside the more purely entertaining things. Being bright means absorbing as much as possible, not as high-brow as possible. Besides, you never know where the usefull stuff is hiding - many computer games teach puzzle-solving and logic (and allow plenty of opportunity to deal with frustration and learn patience). And many of my truly usuefull nuggets of knowledge came from bad paperback sci-fi, or a sit-com, or a magazine, or…the point being, you never know. As long as they get their homework done to satisfaction, don’t fret too much.
DON’T DON’T DON’T REDEEM YOURSELF THROUGH YOUR CHILDREN. You had your life, they need to have theirs.
I have a lot of bright friends - which means that we have a lot of gifted children between us. One of my girlfriends is obsessive about making sure her son has all this exposure and that his “gifts” are nurtured. He’s bright - he’s also an eight year old basket case, and Mom isn’t helping.
The kids who seem to be doing best are the ones whose parents are letting them be kids - and not putting them in Suzuki piano or art lessons for four year olds.
They enjoy Elmo - don’t sweat it. Being bright isn’t something that you use up watching Elmo.