If You're Gonna Road Rage, Don't Do It In A Yugo!!

The BBQ Pit
1

So, I’m driving home, not a care in the world, Dixie Chicks CD playing, just enjoying the commute.

I turn into the acceleration lane to US Hwy 98 for the longest stretch home and I see a Yugo, yes a Yugo chugging up on the lane I’m going to merge in.

Being an ex-cop, having attended numerous emergency and pursuit driving courses, I immediately judged that it would be easier going ahead of the Yugo instead of just merging in behind him. I kick a few more horsies into my Mustang and proceed to cruise on past this car. No problemo, right?

Next thing I know, I hear this god-awful high-pitched squeal as this little fat guy (who kind of resembles that guy in Seinfeld) starts beating the hamsters in his three-and-one-half cylinder doodlebug in a pathetic attempt to keep ahead of me. I glance over at him and his face is flushed red and he is banging on his dash. Apparantly my attempt to get into his precious lane ahead of him was probably the last straw in a horrible day of cubicle hell that was his life today.

My street racing days are long over and I don’t have the raging testosterone imbalance that marked my earlier years in life. If there was anymore acceleration lane left, I would have gladly ceded my attempt and let him by, however, I was running out real quick, so I just popped my car into 5th and cruised out ahead of the Yugo. No biggie, I settled back, set the cruise, and started humming along with the Dixie Chicks.

Next thing I know, this Yugo is up right in my rear-view flashing lights and honking. Fuckbiscuit driving the Yugo has turned an even more deeper shade of red and is mouthing very bad things at me. I don’t have a high-performance car in any sense of the word, my Mustang GT can deliver an adequate amount of kick when I need it, so I just proceed to accelerate out of this asshole’s little oppressed world. I start cruising out past 70 when I hear more grinding sounds and a shrill, screeching, cat-disemboweling whistle as gooberdick proceeds to try a wring an extra hamster out of an obviously overloading Yugo engine. Looking in my rear-view at the slowly disappearing Yugo, it becomes apparant that the only vehicle this dork is going to run down is an overloaded Amish horse buggy.

I think nothing more about this, except to notice that Fuckbiscuit is still mouthing one last obscenity at the disappearing back end of my Mustang. Jeez, I thought, wonder who pissed into his cubicle this morning?

Right at this moment I notice a large flash and smoke starts billowing out of the hood of the Yugo as Fuckbiscuit proceeded to kill the last hamster. I slowed down to 65 now that Yugo the Mighty Road Warrior had lurched off the road in an ever-increasing cloud of black smoke. This guy was definitely not having a good day.

The ex-cop in me thought that maybe I should see if this guy was all right. I loosened my tie, turned up the CD a little louder, and said “Fuck it!”. Have a great fuckin’ afternoon on the crumbling asphalt shoulders of scenic US Highway 98, you demented little come-stain. Hope a seagull shits on you.

:wally

2

Goddamn, I’m glad you’re back, Bluepony. That was hilarious.

Keep 'em coming, and watch out for other lawnmowers-- I mean, uh, Yugo “cars” on the highways and byways.

3

Y’know, I don’t blame you. While the only car I have to get around in is an Expedition (far too big for my tastes, but hey, what’re you gonna do?), that thing has a fucking shitload of power. I’ve seen people play that “No way are you getting ahead of me!” game way too many times. Depending on the situation, I either just smoke by 'em, or just drop a few MPH and slide in right behind him.

In my experiences, it’s not the people in sports/muscle cars that get Road Rage… most everyone I’ve had to deal with have been in “family” cars. I find that irony amusing.

4

Hey SanibelMan, how’s everything? I just took a while off the board, turned in my badge for a 9-to-5 job and some more spare time to do stuff like this. Heard from BearNenno lately? Did he get to be a Tampa cop like he wanted?

5

The other day I was in the auto parts store. I observed a customer go up to the clerk and say: “I’d like a gas cap for my Yugo.”
The clerk thought a moment then said: “It sounds like a fair trade.”

:smiley:

6

Damn, that was the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!

7

(hijack)

Things be good, man, things be good. Dunno if Bear made it into TPD; last I knew he was still sub-teaching in the schools. We might be having a Tampa Dopefest sometime near the end of the month, to celebrate Michi’s new house; think you might be able to make it down?

8

Slight hijack, but what part of the panhandle are you in? I was born in Pensacola, grew up in Tallahassee, and spent my summers in Panama City…I miss the beach…

9

Strange what people will do behind the wheel…

I was reading an issue of Road & Track a month or two back… they were testing a new top-of-the-line 'Vette, a $100K-plus Jaguar, a supercharged Mercedes something, etc.

They were out in Death Valley hammering along when their little caravan came up behind and sidled past some kids in an import with tiny tires and the whole lo-rider motif.

Well, the kids being kids, decided to show THEM a thing or two… :smiley:

They stomped on the squirrel-injection pedal and tried to keep up at near 100-mph speeds, in Death Valley, with four brand-new high-end cars with a total worth of nearly half a million dollars.

Needless to say, after a surprisingly short period of time, the import belched a bit of smoke and pulled off to the side.

Have a nice walk home, dickweed. :smiley:

Is it too much to ask that they might learn something from the experience?

10

You’ve got to be kidding.

You expect us to believe that any of those fine pieces of Eastern European consumer engineering kaff*kaff are still on the road in the US? Bah!

11

So, I’m driving along and this guy in a Mustang GT is coming up behind me. He was playing this country music really loud, so loud that he didn’t notice that as he passed me on the right that he cut me off.

:smiley:
Just kidding. I don’t even have a Yugo… although I think I ran over one once. :slight_smile:

Seriously, Bluepony, I don’t understand it either why some people just get enraged when driving their car. What do they really have to prove?

12

Pammipoo

I’m down in Fort Walton Beach, right on Hurricane Alley (another quaint name for US Hwy 98). Pretty familiar with the PC area, did 6 weeks at the USAF NCO Academy in Tyndall AFB. Spending nights at Club La Vela,Spinnakers, and Schooners-- didn’t do much for my academic showing, but what the hell. :smiley:

13

God DAMN that’s funny stuff.

I just love road ragers- I had one get on my ass and tailgate me for about 2 miles because I had the audacidy to be driving down his street doing the speed limit. Apparently 30mph wasn’t fast enough- he wanted to do 60. (Past a school zone, I might add). I was in such a mood that morning I was PRAYING that he hit my car so I could sue his stupid ass.

Zette

14

Ah, poetic justice.

BTW, a Yugo blew over the side of the Mackinac Bridge during high winds one time. Lady driving it was killed (obviously). A 200ft drop will do that to ya.

15

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHA! :stuck_out_tongue:

Great story! I love it. Sheesh, wish I could have been there to watch. I would’ve offered to put the fuckbiscuit’s Yugo on the roof rack of my Custom Cruiser and give him a ride home.

Hey, did you know that Yugos had standard rear window defrosters?

Yep, so that your hands would stay warm when you pushed 'em.

Zappo

16

Was her name Mona?

17

This is precisely why I bought a Corvette.

I got tired of road ragers on the Long Island Expressway. You know…the ones who can’t believe that you have the audacity to merge into a lane that they’re currently occupying.

Since buying this car, my strategy in dealing with these people has been to simply put my foot to the floor and put some serious distance between the road rager and myself.

Everybody assumes I bought the car so I can act like a badass on the highway. No. It’s because I need the extra speed to get away from the assholes. And believe me, on the roads I drive on most often, there are plenty of them:

  • Kids in souped-up Hondas with ridiculous exhaust pipes on them haven’t yet experienced the forces involved in an automobile accident. And I don’t wanna be around when they finally do.

  • Soccer moms in gigantic SUVs think it’s okay to drive like morons because if they hit something, there’s like 50 tons of metal between them and whatever it is that they hit. Keep 'em away from me.

  • Hamptons Weekend Warrior Yuppie Types buy $70,000 BMWs and decide to test their competitive driving skills by zipping in and out of lanes of traffic at 85 MPH on their way back into Manhattan. I hope to be 10 miles ahead of them before they discover the true limits of their automobiles by rear-ending someone.

  • And then there’s the group of nutjobs described in the OP - the “I can drive like an asshead because the Kelley Blue Book value on my car is less than $100” crew. They’re sometimes the most dangerous breed because they simply don’t give a shit. Until their car blows up. I think Doc Nickel had it right when he said, “Have a nice walk home, dickweed.” My sentiments exactly.

18

Bluepony, your story is too similar to the Seinfeld episode where Newman ran over a sewing machine in his mail truck, and the truck caught fire with him inside screaming, “Oh, the humanity!” Later he’s wandering the interstate in a daze looking like a charred polska kielbasa.

This was the immediate image that jumped into my mind when you mentioned who your Yugo driver looked like. Too funny!

19

[Simpsons]
Do you find something humorous about me and my automobile?
[/Simpsons]

Why is it that every time I see a Yugo, the driver is a very fat person or a very tall person? Yugo drivers are never suited to their cars, it seems. It happens frequently with small American cars, too (Ford Festiva, Geo Metro).