I'm asking for a friend.....

In My Humble Opinion
1

…or more accurately, about friends. Why? Because I don’t think I have any. There are reasons for that which I think may be borne out in your answers to the following two questions, and I really appreciate your help.

  1. What qualifies a person as your friend? Is it similar interests like maybe you have a golfing friend and then a separate fishing friend? Is it similar personalities? Maybe something as simple as proximity or a shared experience or the fact that you’re related? Is it because you do things for them and need to be needed? Or maybe because they do things for you that you need? Or is it mutually beneficial?

  2. Who are your friends primarily? People that you grew up with? Family members? Fellow church members? Co-workers? Where do you find these people?

I may have more questions later, but really look forward to a peak inside the friend experience of others.

2

My friends are a combination of people I grew up with, people I’ve met through work, and people I’ve met through my interests.

A friend to me is someone I can call to watch a game with or have a beer. Certain friends I can talk to about important stuff, while others are strictly people I do some activity with. Sometimes those friends grow into the ones I can talk to and sometime they don’t.

3

I was thinking about this the other day, because I realized that if I hadn’t had an office job for 18 months, I don’t think I’d have any real-life friends to speak of. I met most of my current really good friends while I was working there. Other than that, I have people I’m friendly with, and old friends I never see, but I wouldn’t have anyone to sit and chat with on a daily basis.
My best friends and I tend to have some life experience in common: mostly single moms, same income level (which would put us on the “perpetually broke” end of the scale), kids, pets, etc.

4

…And it goes without saying that a real friend will help you bury the bodies.

5

For me, friends are people I’ve hung out with whom I have some common interests. Hanging out and doing stuff with them was fun, and I’m looking forward to the next time. Looking forward to enough that I’m willing to make some changes to my life to make that happen–give somebody a ride to recorder practice, run a D&D game so I can hang out with my gamer friends, help somebody move… Ideally, my friends could all say the same things about me.

6

Aside from a girl I grew up with and love like a sister but never see, I don’t have any friends. Looking back, all the friends I’ve had since leaving school have been coworkers. Some I actually grew pretty close to while we were working together, but once one of us left the company, the friendship faded away. I guess I’d really call those people acquaintances.

One the one hand, it’s kind of embarrassing or even pathetic; on the other, I’ve sort of chosen the loner lifestyle.

7

OP, maybe getting friend advice from the SD is not a good idea…

8

Not asking for advice. I’m asking for experience. Thanks though.

9

You missed my point. Never mind though.

10

Sorry about that. Was it a joke? As in the dopers don’t have friends?

11

I had good friends growing up, and a couple of good friends in the military. They were people who I laughed a lot with, more like brothers than friends. I had tons of acquaintances who I liked well enough, but it was usually a matter of time and place; enforced socialization/port in a storm, if you will.

At present, it’s still a matter of acquaintances locally. My friends are living on another coast, and while we stay in contact, they’re never at our door, nor we at theirs. There are a couple of guys here with whom I’m friendly, and I’d probably hang with them more, given the opportunity. We’ll see.

12

The way I look at it, you tend to create a circle of friends from the people you spend a lot of time around. Your specific relationship with them largely depends on how much you have in common, what activities you do together and how frequently. It’s all a matter of degrees. And it can change over time.

On one end of the scale, you have “acquaintances”. Basically anyone who you might say “hi” to in the hallway or chat with at the water cooler. On the other end, you may have a life-long BFF who maybe you don’t even see for years at a time, but when you do, it’s like you just pick up where you left off.

In between, you have any number of contacts, pals, friends of friends, work friends, golf (or whatever activity you do) buddies, drinking buddies, old college pals and what have you.
My best friends are probably a subset of my college fraternity brothers. We tend to only see each other at major life events, but we continue to stay in touch over the years.

The next level is probably a group of work friends from a former job. Basically a bunch of former Deloitte Consultants that all ended up working at the same boutique consulting firm together (and in some cases, several jobs afterwards). Which for all intents and purposes, similar to a fraternity (many of my fraternity brothers ended up at Accenture Consulting and have a similar relationship with their coworkers). Many of us still meet socially on a regular basis.

There’s a couple of inter-related bars I go to regularly. Actually a holdover from the same previous job. I’ve become friendly with the owners, staff, management, some regulars (some of which who are coworkers/professional contacts), former staff who became regulars. But most of these relationships are pretty superficial. Fine for drinks and a few laughs after work on occasion, but it’s not like we spend time over each other’s homes.

I’m friendly with most of my current coworkers. But other than company sanctioned drinks, I don’t really ever hang out with them socially. My previous job we used to regularly hang out at each other’s homes, stay out late getting into trouble, even go to each other’s weddings and bachelor parties. Part of it is I’m a lot older now with a wife and kid. Part of it is I simply don’t like my current coworkers that much.
“Helping you bury the body” is a high demand for any friendship. A true friend probably wouldn’t try to involve you in covering up a felony in the first place. So generally I’m just content to have a couple people to shoot the shit with over beers from time to time.