I'm being forced to spank it in public

Seriously, how many girl parts does the missus have?
Inquiring minds would like to know…

That’s the first place I would consider a fertility-driven wank-fest. They probably have porn all ready for you. In fact, I thought that’s where everyone did it.

Not so. Years ago, when I was married, my wife and I were doing the same thing. Or doctor worked in the EVMS complex of the Jones Institute for Reproductive Health. She had me fill the cup before we came in on several occasions. And you can’t get any more real or respectable in this field than at that clinic.

I just can’t believe that I’ve been referring to my Snicker-lala incorrectly all these years. Thank you Siddhartha Vicious for so bravely fighting ignorance. You, sir, are my hero.

QtM that post was priceless. :smiley:


I had to do something like this twice after my snip; ‘produce’ a sample and deliver it to the path lab no more than 30 minutes later. Oh, and you have to pre-book an appointment to deliver it inside a twenty minute window - no earlier, no later. The timings (a drive that might be 25 minutes or an hour depending on traffic and parking) make it impossible to do at home, but when I get there, the only toilet facilities available are quite busy and the only cubicle in there has a broken lock.

But no pressure… just take your time…

I just had to do one of these myself, which was a source of endless mirth for my wife. She kept prodding me about exactly what kind of porn I looked at.

Anyway, the results came back pretty darn good. Apparently, a normal sperm count is between 20 and 150 million; mine was 480 million.

You women might wanna keep your distance, lest my aura of virility impregnate you from afar.

Reminds me of a (paraphrased) joke from Educating Rita:

“The women in my family are so fertile, they can pregnant if a man looks at them cock-eyed.”

Forced to spank it in public?

I do that willingly just to add some spice to the routine.

I just have to add I admire Sid V’s dedication to using the proper medical terminology G

One time I had to ‘produce’. I prefer the comfort of my own home. Clinic bathrooms and wank-rooms don’t do it for me, although I’ve had sucess in a clinic bathroom. It’s just kind of wierd. Well, the whole thing is kind of wierd, but anyway…

I wrapped the cup in foil, bagged it, and ran to car.

Flat tire.

Changed the tire.

Car wouldn’t start.

Messed with the clamp on the battery terminal and the car started.

Hauled ass out to Long Island where the sample was safely delivered.

Then one time my wife said something like “the pressure’s on!”

In a quiet moment tell your wife to not say stuff like that.

Good luck! er…Have fun!

On a serious side note, I am involved in the infertility field SV - IANADoctor, but work with a national network of some of the best in the field.

If you have questions, you should be able to email me. By the way, I agree with the ever-wise QtM - a reputable practice would have a room, stocked with girly mags for the purpose.

Given that transitioning from an OB/GYN to fertility treatments can be a VERY pricey endeavor, I would recommend you make sure you are working with someone reputable.

So, it was you I saw downtown the other day. :eek:

If you go see the dolphin show at the Aquarium, stay out of the splash zone.

I’m just saying. . .

Did the doctor find that her insides were a rocky ground where your seed could find no purchas?

Why, after reading all this, am I suddenly reminded of the one and only Woody Allen skit I ever thought was amusing?

Sperm #1: I’m not getting shot out of that thing. What if he’s masturbating? I’m liable to end up on the ceiling.

Okay, experimenting with the fish tank, fine. But won’t someone think of the dolphins?

These magazines . . . are they laminated?

Mind you, this is a gynecologist. I don’t know if gynecologists have girly mags. They may be a might timid with the nasty male parts. But I have a vivid imagination, and I’m certain that my imaginary girlfriend Paz Vega would be more than happy to help me learn if my love juice is subpar. As long as she doesn’t have to help me in a public bathroom.

As far as fertility treatments go, we’re not certain that we’re going that route. We’re also trying to adopt. We’ve got our home study done, and are just waiting for a kid. We’d still like one more kid the old-fashioned way, if possible, and want to know if either of us are having any medical problems in that department.

Many years ago I worked in accessioning in a medical lab. Maybe twice a month we’d get some poor sap who had to provide a ‘sample’. While we had our own restroom for urine sample purposes, getting a sperm sample tied up too much time for everyone. Not to mention that our restroom had a pocket door, and was none too soundproof.

We’d always direct sperm sample donors to a the staff restroom by the ER. They’d come back in a short time with a sheepish look, and a fresh sample. Until one day, when the head ER nurse came to visit us, with a very red-faced ‘donor’ in tow. Not a happy situation for anybody.

After that, we had to let them use our restroom. Professionals that we were, we’d hand the ‘donor’ a paper bag, specially prepared with the cup, tissues, and a Penthouse magazine. We’d also close the door on accessioning, and take a 10 minute break.