Some of you may make New Year’s resolutions, but I’ve got you all beat. You know how sometimes you try to change yourself into a “new you” (that is, a “new me”?). Well, I’m doing that all the time.
In fact, I just did. Voila, the new me. Aren’t I different? I declared that I should always begin paragraphs with a shorter sentence. It’s going to change the way people perceive me, the way I go about my business, and - most importantly - it’s going to change who I am at the core.
I now think it’s proper that I declare that I’m the sort of person that exercises regularly. Wait, what were you saying? That last sentence wasn’t short? Ssssshhhhhhhhhh…! Quiet, you! Change is not so simple. That last paragraph was written by the old me, the me of thirty seconds ago. Now you’re dealing with the new me - the me that gets regular exercise of course.
Now that my stomach isn’t moving outward (because now I’m the type of person that exercises regularly), I’m going to add even another stipulation - something which augments (but does not replace) the entirely new me! I’m going to stop beginning sentences with awkward greetings. People always seem uncomfortable talking to me. I can tell by the things that they say and the way they feel towards me that I must not be modulating my personality properly. I think I should begin conversations with a default “hey”, rather than trying things like “hey, how’s it hangin’?” This change is really going to have a positive influence on my social life.
Wait, hold on. I can feel a change coming on. It’s time for me to be the type of person - this is important, bear me out here - the type of person that finishes his posts in a timely manner. From now on, that’s what I’m’a do. Starting right this moment. From here on out, until the end of my life, I’m going to finish my posts in a timely manner.
What, don’t you believe me?