I'm getting married. For the first time. At age 47. And I have questions.

[Anne_Neville]

If you have an outdoor wedding, make sure your guests won’t be sitting in the hot sun for a long period of time without something to cool them off. Folding paper fans placed on the chairs before the guests arrive are a nice favor for outdoor weddings (my brother-in-law did this). You could also provide coolers of bottled water or rent some sort of canopy to put over the guests. This shouldn’t be a huge issue for you unless you aren’t getting married in Seattle, but it’s vitally important in hot areas.

Read the stories in the Faux Pas Archive on this page. Gasp and giggle. If anything you are planning to do shows up as the centerpiece of one of these stories, re-think it.

@black rabbit

Very few people actually care about the ceremony. Keep it to close friends and family only, and invite the horde to the reception.

However, everybody who is invited to the ceremony is also invited to the reception. No exceptions.

If you invite someone, you must also invite their spouse or live-in SO, and you must invite them either as “and family” or by name- not as “and guest”. Whether or not to invite along people in less serious relationships (or include “and guest” for single people) is up to you, but keep in mind that a lot of people don’t like going to weddings where they don’t know anybody except the bride or groom.

[Tabula_Rasa]

Congratulations!

One of the tastiest, most fun wedding “cakes” I’ve ever enjoyed was a sort of tapered tower of cream puffs kind of netted into shape with filaments of caramelized/spun/whatever sugar. If you own a home, I’d register at Home Depot. It’s kind of a fun idea for a later in life wedding : ‘We have everything and now we just want to be prepared for something to break or leak.’ They have a liberal return policy and if your friends and family wittingly or unwittingly help you to not further defer your deferred maintenance, they will be indirectly contributing to your being able to afford furniture or travel sooner.

If you’re planning your wedding as an event instead of a spectacle (and it sounds like you are), the kids won’t need a whole lot of organized, spectacle-like entertainment. Be sure the menu is in some way kid-friendly and maybe have some low tables set up with crayons and paper. I worked one wedding reception a long time ago - there were tables around the edges of the ballroom, a dance floor, and far away from the DJs speakers (and the DJ had already been threatened/bribed to keep the music to a level that could be appreciated and danced to on the dance floor but would permit conversation at the tables and not shake the potted plants in the foyer) there was an area edged with sections of decorative white picket fence with low tables, kid books, crayons, paper, some small chairs, a few bean bags, some twin mattresses made up with colorful fitted sheets and piles of stuffed animals, a server armed with apple juice, water, and cups (both sippy and the big kid straw and a lid kind), cheese, crackers (Ritz and goldfish), baby carrots, raisins, pizza, paper plates, lots of napkins, etc. Some of the older kids seemed to be in charge of keeping the younger kids happy - reading books, admiring drawings, etc. I suspect the big kids were paid. Parents got to eat and dance like grown-ups. Kids were happy and then - some of them - asleep.

Whatever you decide to do - good for you for including everyone and thinking about their happiness and enjoyment.

[Tabula_Rasa]

@fuffle

Good music is definitely a must, and if you want a DJ don’t cheap out. However, on the flip side, I’ve seen several weddings just use an iPod and some sound equipment. It always turned out beautifully. It’s complete control for couples who want to control that side of things, and it was actually peace of mind for a couple of the brides who were afraid their DJs would have too MUCH character.

I’ve never seen a wedding DJ who didn’t have too much character. The iPod idea merits consideration. DJs are an expensive evil and they may not be necessary.

[SaharaTea]

@fuffle

Good music is definitely a must, and if you want a DJ don’t cheap out. However, on the flip side, I’ve seen several weddings just use an iPod and some sound equipment. It always turned out beautifully. It’s complete control for couples who want to control that side of things, and it was actually peace of mind for a couple of the brides who were afraid their DJs would have too MUCH character.

The flip side is that the iPod cannot adjust the playlist based on the crowd’s mood. And I was once at a wedding where a really annoying kid kept sneaking up and skipping songs halfway through them. Make sure you have someone manning the iPod and speakers so nothing goes wrong.

[Jodi]

My more serious thoughts:

As I was raised, cash bars are tacky and asking for gifts is tacky. The idea is that you want people to share your happy day with you as your guests, and anything that reads as an expectation, much less a requirement, that they will pay money for the privilege is right out – because if they are paying, they aren’t your guests. Sure, everybody knows that a guest’s responsibility includes providing a gift, but the bride and groom are not supposed to expect that or to even care if they get one or not. If I didn’t need home-based stuff, I wouldn’t register for it. You can authorize your relatives to reply “money” if they are asked what you want, and if people ask you directly you can say, “Oh, we don’t really need anything; we’re just saving up for our trip to Jamaica.” Anyone with a brain in his or her head will draw the necessary inference.

Favors: Five years down the road, no one wants a candle / picture frame/ ash tray that says BOB & GINA, 4/22/03. Except perhaps Bob or Gina, and only if they are still together. So I cast another vote for consumable favors. My cousin did wee little candy boxes, each holding two truffles. (I think you can find them at Godiva, and no doubt could make up your own far more cheaply.) Maybe they’ll eat that two weeks later and think fondly of your wedding, which is pretty much all you can expect. Disposable cameras on the tables is a fun idea, but that’s a way for the bride and groom to get wedding candids, not a small gift to the guests, so I don’t consider them a “favor.”

Hand-addressed labels takes us into the realm of Done versus Not Done, and whether you actually care about that. Printed labels are easier, and so of course are Not Done. Hand-written addresses are a huge pain in the ass and therefore Done. To me, the sort of person who would snort at receiving a printed clear label on the outside of the invitation is the sort of person who would run their thumbnail over the back of the invitation to see if it’s really engraved or “only” printed – an asshole, IOW. I prefer things to be personal and as Done as is reasonable, so I would make this call depending on the number of invitations we were talking about. Less than, say, 50, I’d probably address them; more than that: labels. Life’s short, y’know?

Kids: I think the idea of kid goodie bags is a really nice touch and the butcher paper covered kids’ table is a good one. If you think there will be a lot of babies and toddlers, you might also consider hiring a babysitter or two, if your venue has a room they could use. That would allow the parents to drop the kids off and just enjoy themselves.

Otherwise: IME, if you’ve got good food, good drink, and good friends, and plenty of each, you’ll have a great wedding reception.

Congratulations to you, and to Siege and all the others gettin’ hitched.

[Eureka]

@fuffle

Are all non-edible favors really universally hated? It’s true I’ve gotten a fair amount of non-disposable crap at weddings, but I was thinking it would be nice to give each guest a small potted herb when my turn comes. The BF and I are both avid gardeners, and herbs are so pretty, useful, and easy to grow. Would people really roll their eyes at this?

Small potted herb seems appropriate–especially since you are both avid gardeners. And, really, it’s disposable (assuming no elaborate personalized pots)–once the herb dies, you can just throw it away. One should of course make reasonable efforts not to kill the herb, . . .

If potted herbs become faddish, my position changes. But at the moment, it sounds like a lovely idea.

[Viridiana]

@fuffle

Are all non-edible favors really universally hated? It’s true I’ve gotten a fair amount of non-disposable crap at weddings, but I was thinking it would be nice to give each guest a small potted herb when my turn comes. The BF and I are both avid gardeners, and herbs are so pretty, useful, and easy to grow. Would people really roll their eyes at this?

I think that’d be very nice! As long as I don’t get the wedded couple checking up on me after the fact to make sure I’ve kept it alive.
Most other stuff (mainly, anything decorative or generic) is annoying, though. Makes you feel guilty when you chuck it out, 99.9% never goes with your home decor, often crappy looking because the couple was on a budget. I likes me some candy (although I notice and appreciate if it’s not something one can find at the local corner store), and things relevant to the couple’s paricular skills/hobbies (like the beer brewer thing) are cool and memorable.

[Tabula_Rasa]

@Eureka

Small potted herb seems appropriate–especially since you are both avid gardeners. And, really, it’s disposable (assuming no elaborate personalized pots)–once the herb dies, you can just throw it away. One should of course make reasonable efforts not to kill the herb, . . .

If potted herbs become faddish, my position changes. But at the moment, it sounds like a lovely idea.

And if a potted herb plant gets left in a hot rental car outside of a guest’s motel room the next morning, it will have the good graces to simply die aromatically – not drip liquid wax into the carpet like a souvenir candle with names and dates printed in gold.

[Hello_Again]

Since no one has posted an answer to this question:

Yes, there are services where you can create a “honeymoon registry.” I know there are a whole bunch, but the only one I can think of off the top of my head is called “honeyfund.” Most charge some kind of commission, as far as I know.

I am also planning a wedding at the moment. And if there is one thing I can say about the experience, its that everyone has a fracking opinion.

Best of luck to you! As to favors, they are very easily skippable, but if you choose to have them, edible ones are usually the most appreciated and least immediately thrown away.

[rocking_chair]

i’ve been at weddings where a local scout troop provided supervision for the kidlet guests. it counted toward a badge and there were activities and crafts for any who wanted to participate. also movies and video games for those who were above “dorky crafts”. kidlet buffet tables were very popular. and i gotta admit i cruised by the table a few times!

best wishes on your wedding.

[j666]

Remember that you are adults, and can decide how to entertain your guests to your tastes.

@uncle squeegee

Registering For Gifts: We’re both older (my betrothed is 38) so we don’t need household basics. We’d like to get some new furniture or save for a trip. Are there any sites that anyone would recommend where we can bundle donations for larger items?

Don’t tell anyone you are doing this. Find a store that will allow you to exchange gifts before taking delivery; register for lots of stuff in lots of price ranges, then turn in the small items for larger ones.
Never admit this was your plan!

Wedding Favors: What have people done for these? Something whimsical/fun/atypical would be best (we seriously considered whoopee cushions embossed with "I had a gas at J&D’s wedding, we may still do that)…

I hate favors; most wedding guests hate favors.

Sending Invites: We have slightly different ideas about what to do. She wants to hand address them, I want to get some clear labels and print them with a nice font (using mail merge of course). Any comments on either method?.

You are a barbarian.
If you care enough about someone to want them at your wedding, you can demonstrate that love by writing a name and address.

And while I’m at it, if you put ‘and Guest’ on an invitation, you can not complain if someone brings the stripper from the bachelor party (… or bridal shower …)

Kids: We’re all for them and hope a lot show up (our attendants are my nephew and her niece, both 10). Any thoughts on hiring some sort of (non-clown) entertainer to keep them happy? Ages should range from 1-ish to 14-ish (after that, they are de facto adults as far as I’m concerned)…

No. You can not keep kids that age away from the grown-ups. They will want to be part of the main party, even if they are not having fun.

Finally: Any suggestions to make life easier, ensure our guests have a good time, or make it a memorable event (my nude sky diver officiant idea was already nixed, so don’t worry about that one ).

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds.

Expect the food to be mediocre, the photographer to be annoying, and the kids to throw up.

You will still cherish the memories.

[maggenpye]

A friend’s son got married recently and they had their guests contribute to their honeymoon in Africa. The wedding was in Italy, so the social etiquette could be different.
The guests were given the name of the travel agency with the invitation. There was also the name of the shops who held gift registers, for guests who wanted to bring a ‘thing’.

At the reception, the happy couple were presented with a very elaborate and impressive folder of their itinerary and a list of those who had helped make it possible. There were no dollar amounts given, it was discrete. The bride and groom had to top up the account before they left, but it made their dream honeymoon achievable and their guests were more than happy with the idea.

It may be worthwhile to check with some local travel agencies to see if they offer this kind of service.

ETA, congratulations.

[ianzin]

@gazpacho

Hyperbole the sophisticated reader tends to recognize it.

Yeah, cute. Except that your original post is not an instance of hyperbole. Hyperbole is exaggeration taken to an extreme degree. If it were the case that a few, small stores are subject to the kind of federal regulation to which you referred, and you had exaggerated the extent of this regulation, then it would have been hyperbole. But this is not the case, so it is not hyperbole.

Suggestion: get your facts (and definitions) right before you imply that others are less sophisticated than you.

Even better suggestion: just don’t even bother implying that others are less sophisticated than you.

[Hello_Again]

@ianzin

Yeah, cute. Except that your original post is not an instance of hyperbole. Hyperbole is exaggeration taken to an extreme degree. If it were the case that a few, small stores are subject to the kind of federal regulation to which you referred, and you had exaggerated the extent of this regulation, then it would have been hyperbole. But this is not the case, so it is not hyperbole.
.

Um, that totally IS an example of hyperbole: an intentional exaggeration for effect. “Registries are extremely common nowadays” becomes “by law they must exist”. An exaggeration, worded rather dryly, I’ll admit, and perhaps it would have been softened by the phrase “it’s like” but clearly an exaggeration of an existing state of facts (its common–>its required). I realize you didn’t read it that way, but no need to be snippy. It was a humorous exaggeration.

[Shirley_Ujest]

@Zsofia

I’m the only one who’s in love with the whoopie cushion favors? I mean, usually favors are stupid, but I think that’s absolutely hilarious

I’d skip the favors personally. Just more junk to haul around and throw in a drawer to be forgotten. That whoopee cushion thing is incredibly astoundingly tacky. Unless you and all your friends are low-brow prop comedians, I’d skip it. Maybe it’s your kind of humor … I’d not want everyone to associate my wedding with tacky junior-high pranks and farts. YMMV

I think it is an excellently funny idea, but fart jokes are up my alley, so to speak.
When we married, I didn’t want any wedding favors. At the time the choices were either matchbooks ( which I wouldn’t do because I hated them.) or really shitty mints or nuts.

What I wanted to do was have tree seedlings as favors so that everyone could either take the seedlings home and plant them, or, because I know the inherent laziness of most of our friends and family, tell them if they did not want the seedlings, to leave them behind. And then, our property would be a place for our wedding trees to grow on the 2.5 acres of treeless land.
Well, that idea went over like a fart in an elevator with the Mom’s in my life.

So, I told them we weren’t doing any favors at all. foot stomp. Irony is, is this is the only thing in the wedding I gave a shit about. Everything else, I let my husband make the decision.

This offended my MIL (such a nice lady, but RULES must be FOLLOWED!!!111!!!) and she rushed out and did the nuts in the godawful netting thingie and I was annoyed to the point of petulance.

Meanwhile, less that a year later, my SIL, who’s shit does not stink, decides to do the pine tree seedlings as favors thing. This idea is so FUCKING WUNDERBAR that IT IS A HUGE SUCCESS and they end up keeping some thing like 50 + trees for their property.

However, because my SIL is farking lazy, and it has been 13 years of trees growing on her mom’s property waiting to be retransplanted on her 2.5 acres ( 3 houses away from us.) we have slowly been adding those trees to our tree line.
In a roundabout kinda way, I got what I wanted but it does not mean that I am still not bitter about the entire thing. No.sir.ee.
Thanks for dredging up the bitter memories!!!

[FarmerChick]

@ianzin

Yeah, cute. Except that your original post is not an instance of hyperbole. Hyperbole is exaggeration taken to an extreme degree. If it were the case that a few, small stores are subject to the kind of federal regulation to which you referred, and you had exaggerated the extent of this regulation, then it would have been hyperbole. But this is not the case, so it is not hyperbole.

Suggestion: get your facts (and definitions) right before you imply that others are less sophisticated than you.

Even better suggestion: just don’t even bother implying that others are less sophisticated than you.

Shh. It was an obvious joke, and yes it was hyperbole. Are you always this cranky?

[Rilchiam]

What is all this noise about making sure kids have a good time at the reception? They don’t belong there! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one, and it’s the responsibility of the people who spawned to entertain their brats, no one else’s. Or they can entertain themselves. Or just not be there. If they don’t like the food or anything else, too freaking bad. And they shouldn’t be on the dance floor by any means. It’s not about them, and no one should go out of their way for them.

[Pixilated]

Best wishes on your wedding!

(that’s all)

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@gazpacho

In the US today if you have more than one store you are required by law to have a bridal registry. My cousin was registered with home depot among other places.

Wedding favors are a complete waste of money. You will spend a fair amount on giving every guest some cheap crap that they really don’t want and will be a hassle to keep track of during the evening, all the women have tiny evening purses and guys just have pants and a jacket. Skip them - nobody looks back on weddings they have attended and thought about the nice favors. They will think of the great setting, the nice ceremony, the great food, the fun time they had dancing, the chance to see family members that you would not see otherwise.

You forgot the orgy. Or was that just my wedding?