Sorry… that was me. It’s just too delicious.
And what were YOU doing mucking about near Euro-Buttboy Shoals, hmmm? I don’t see any Japanese schoolgirls out that way.
Sampiro, I swear I used to think Faulkner was making his surreal Southern families up until you started posting about yours.
Well, I like kids, thinly sliced and baked for an hour at 375, so I couldn’t even consider the question if ever asked. I have to say that I’m impressed by Sampiro’s taking the offer so seriously and responsibly.
Kudos to you, Sampiro. If such a friend were to ask, I’d do it in a heartbeat, but then I’ve already thought about it and I I love children. There’s lots of good stuff already been said, so I won’t repeat it except to say that it is good.
Well, I’ve already said my piece, but maybe this can help Samprio be more comfortable with his decision:
I’ve always imagined myself having at least one child. Desperately, even. Coming out has changed that a little, obviously, and reading this thread has actually changed that quite a bit. I realized that most of my reasons for wanting a child were selfish ones. I want to have somebody that I can re-discover the world through. I want to take the kid to Disneyland and see how excited he or she gets, and remember how I used to be the same way. I want to teach him or her how I see the world, and see how they turn out different. I want to be able to answer questions about how things work, to reassure myself that I’ve at least figured something out in my time here. And, most selfishly, I want to just know that there’s something of me left behind.
Anyway, that’s what I imagine having a child to be like. It’s not something to be entered into lightly, and it’s not worth doing just for selfish reasons, unless you know you’re going to be there for the long haul.
I’m going to watch some porn (gonna come, gonna come)
To see a child born (gonna come, gonna come)
I will help these dykes
Conceive a little tyke
They’ll name him Motel Camzoil
Such a stud am I (gonna come, gonna come)
Gonna stick this in her pie (gonna come, gonna come)
Guess they like my genes
Is this by artificial means?
The child Motel Camzoil.
I apologize. I had to. This is bad. Not bad in a “Oooh I’m so naughty” way, but a “these lyrics are terrible” way. But I had to.
SAMPIRO
Lesbian #1: A fiddler in his pants. Sounds crazy, no? But in our little southern town, you might say that two lesbians would have trouble conceiving, trying to create a child of their own. You may ask, what would a gay man have to do with this? One’s involved because he possesses the sperm. And who is this gay man? That I can tell you in one word: Sampiro.
Who, day and night, must choke his little chicken
Flog his little dolphin
Spank his little monkey
Who has the right as creator of the sperm
to raise the child as his own?
Sampirooooooooooooooooooooooo, Sampiro! Sampiro!
Sampirooooooooooooooooooooooo, Sampiro! Sampiro!
IF I HAD A PENIS
Lesbian #2: Dear God, you made many, many gay people. I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be gay. But it’s no great honor either! So what would have been so terrible if we had the ability to conceive together?
If I had a penis
Yearrreoeooughgougohghough!
All day long I’d biddy biddy bum
If I were a horny man!
I wouldn’t have to jerk hard
Yearreoeooughoughougheerorgh!
If I had a biddy biddy boner
Yiddle-diddle-didle-didle man.
SPERM DONOR
Lesbians #1&2: Sperm donor, sperm donor
Please have good genes
No mutations
Prime DNA
Sperm donor, sperm donor
We’re trusting you
That you are not a freak
TO LIFE
Lesbians #1&2, Sampiro: To life! To life! Conception!
Conception! Conception! To life!
Sampiro: It gives you something to wank about
I’m a sperm bank, no doubt
All: Insemination, to life!
Sampiro, I just read your profile on gay.com. You sound like a hell of an interesting dude. If you were a 17 year old Korean girl, I’d ask you to marry me.
That has to be the strangest pick-up line ever.
Snappity, if I were straight and didn’t have a boyfriend already, I’d ask you to marry me. 
I stand corrected.
I get that all the time (except sometimes it’s 16 and sometimes it’s Korean). At least three times yesterday, in fact, I was asked “Sampiro… I know you’re not a teenaged Asian girl… but if you were… would you find me attractive?”
Thank you so much, Aw Snappity, for permanently associating my favorite musical with masturbation and lesbian ovulation. It’s like Christmas is here early.
But, since the bottle is uncorked…
Sampiro Tevye: Yes, this year you want one tube full… next year you may want two!
Lazar Wolfdyke: Two? What would I do with two?
Sampiro Tevye: The same as you do with one! Use it to dip your Doritos in!
Lazar Wolfdyke: What the hell are you talking about?
Sampiro Tevye: The same thing you are talking about… my secret garlic-feta-salsa recipe that you want to serve at your party!
Lazar Wolfdyke: Tevye— I’m talking about your sperm!
Spermaleh
Little sperm, little spermaleh…
I don’t understand what’s happening today
everything is all a blur…
All I see is a happy dyke, and a sweet little Czech gay porn
DVD on the screen
Little sperm, little spermaleh…
you are fun to make but now they’re gonna take you and
put you somewhere I would never go
then you’lll OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Here’s the baby!
SUNRISE SUNSET REDUX
Lesbians: Is this the little girl I carried
conceived by a father who was so gay
Fags: I don’t remember being fertile
how did they?
Lesbians: When did she get to be a zygote?
When it is dildos that we use
Fags: Now I will have the greatest accessory
to hold…when I cruise
Fags & Lesbians: Sperm & egg meet
Sperm and egg meet
in a sterile lab
Gay people procreating together
to make a baby that’s so fab
Sperm and egg meet
sperm and egg meet
simply “come this way”
Homos pro-creating together
who cares what the Bushites will say?
Ovulation
Well, it’s not like homosexuality is the garden of Eden when it comes to creating a race. After all, what have we got here?
A little bit of dick
A little bit of snatch
A wank
A tube
A special thermos
People masturbate to Lucky Lukas and don’t even know they could have created life…
A bio-clock
Some meaningless wood…
What do we have? Nothing much… only ovulation…
Ovulation Ovulation Unfertilized, lesbian ovulation
What is an uninseminated egg to do?
Ovulation ovulation
to be a babe it needs a man ejaculation
but his sperm will just end up in poo
Soon I’ll want a baby to complete my life
to make me a Mama with my wife
through ovulation
I’ll conceive through ovulation
when I add a gay friend’s insemination
Dear little gamete, little tyke… of… mine.
Eh, it’s just a kid. Our foremothers have tried to conceive without men many many times.
Maybe… that’s why, we always keep our turkey-basters?
The Diddler on the Roof.
My favorite musical!
You started it by associating my favorite musical with a strange tale of gay people theoretically getting other gay people pregnant. 
Pardon me for calling "CLEAR! and reviving this ancient thread, but- I can’t believe I never added the follow-up, and there’s been a recent development. (I’m constantly accused of embellishing tales, incidentally, but so help I honestly wish that I weren’t on this one- this has happened [I’m even omitting the weirdest parts as a “just in case they ever somehow wander into this site it won’t be too recognizable”]).
In the first place, I never did do the nasty in the test tube. I just couldn’t (which is to say I could have, but all in all I just preferred not to (though I thought about it).
A brief follow-up: I discussed this with my close friends and was bizarre as all crap.
FriendGirl 1 (an artist I’ve known for a few years and would be so “in to” in all ways if I was straight): “It’s a terrible idea! Nancy and Jackie” [the lesbian couple, not their real names] “are too flakey! You don’t want a kid to be raised by them! But… well, I’ve been meaning to bring this up at some point and it’ll never be more relevant- you know, I graduate [from graduate school] this year, and hopefully I’ll be on my feet and self-supporting in a couple of years, and I’m in that demographic where I’m as likely to be hit by a taxi as to get married, and I would love to have your baby, but I’d want you to be its active daddy…”
O-kayyyyy… look me up in a couple of years (by which time hopefully we’ll be out of each other’s orbits and you’ll find a great guy who’ll get you pregnant without the baster and I won’t have to think of a way of saying “Hell naw…”
Friendgirl 2 (one of my oldest/dearest friends, whom I’ll call Jasmine- we’ve known each other for about 15 years- I call her “the Last Stand of my heterosexuality” because when I wasn’t attracted to her, I knew for once and all certain there wasn’t even a little bit’o’Bi in me): “BUT THAT’S MY SPERM!”
I thought she was joking and assured her “No, I’m relatively positive it’s mine. That’s why I still buy HandiWipes.”
“Don’t you remember, we always said if we didn’t meet anybody we liked better we’d have a kid?”
“No, I honestly don’t… I remember when we said if we never met anybody we liked better we’d get married, but then I wasn’t out then…”
“Yeah, but kids were in the cards. If you’re gonna have a baby with anybody it’ll be me.”
“Won’t your boyfriend (of about 10 years) object?”
“Why? We’ve been talking marriage for 7 years and I haven’t priced a wedding veil yet. Besides, I don’t know I’d want to have his kids. He’s too Andy Griffith and he’s want to raise them Fundie.”
“This would definitely fix that.”
“Besides, our features complement. We’ll talk. I’m 37 now, by this time next year I’ll know for certain. I don’t want to wait until I’m 40.”
“O-kayyyyyyyy.” Another one tabled.
With my best friend/ex-lover: “No! You don’t want to have a baby with Jackie and Nancy! No way! But Jasmine… oh damn! You’ve got to have a baby with Jasmine! That would be great! Oooh… you too would be dream parents!”
“I don’t want to be a parent to anybody and particularly not with Jasmine.” (I love her dearly, but this is a woman that nobody would have any problem imagining driving down the road at rush hour with the baby securely fashioned in its seat and the seat setting on top of her car.)
“But you already love each other and since there’s no sex and living together and stuff involved the kid would probably be in a more stable family than most married couples and I could be Uncle Tim and it’d be great!”
“I’ll stick with dogs. If I fuck up with them they don’t walk into a high school strapped with dynamite.”
So, I had told my mother (for God knows what reasons) soon after the gay couple asked me. I told her it was a sensitive matter I’d like to keep confidential. Naturally she told my sister.
Now my sister is quasi Pentecostal in her beliefs. She doesn’t know I’m gay and she’s a woman who believes that God not only sends hurricanes (to another city several months later) to punish Gay Pride parades but she believes God is so active in her life that he’s made blackberry juice materialize onto shelves for her (true story). So you can imagine what she thinks of it when she hears that her unmarried baby brother is considering having a baby with a gay mother- she thinks it’s abomination, yes? Unholy and unheard of, a terrible idea, right?
“Mama says you’re gonna have a baby with a bunch of lesbians.”
“Just one. And it’s not for certain. It’s something I’m only considering.”
“Well I’ll tell you something. God works in mysterious ways. How about this- me and [my husband] need an heir. We tried a few times to have one naturally but never worked, and was just as well cause we worked 80 hours a week for 20 years anyway. Now I’m 47 years old and if I had a baby the damned thing would be born with a tail and three eyeballs. We’ve talked about adoption, even looked into getting a Chinese baby or something, but I would really love for it to be my own flesh and blood. Well, here’s what I’m thinking, and I am dead serious- why don’t you ask those lesbians can’t you breed 'em both, and they keep one and I keep one? I’ll pay for the expenses and I’ll raise it as my own child and it’ll have my genes and it works out all around. And it’ll be in the contract if the lesbians every break up we get the other one.”
Frigging God. She wants the pick of the litter! Plus- my family has lived in Alabama for well over 200 years, we were here long before the Indians decided to move to Oklahoma (in fact, some of my ancestry were Indians) and I’ve eaten fried everything and I’ve had chitlin’s and I’ve picked blackberries and I’ve cleaned catfish and I’ve slept on a tin roofed porch while it rained, but even with all those Dixie defining experiences it still nauseates me that my sister wants to have my baby. One of the FOUR (4) (////) (IV) it’s now been proposed that I sire! AND I’M A FAG!
So, it passes. Nothing about it for a while (except for the lesbians, who occasionally bring it up, whereupon I usually make a comment like “Man it’s hot… I could go for a FROZEN POP, couldn’t you?” and they get the point (until next time).
Then I check an old e-mail account. A divorced professor from 3 years ago that I still exchange e-mails with upon occasion sent me an e-mail. She’s 41. Bio-clock going tikky tikky tic-tac. Guess what she proposes in it?
What am I, some type of REALLY-NEW TESTAMENT VERSION OF ABRAHAM!
Ah well, more later. And the answer is still no.
Or me in 30 years (seated).
[SIZE=1]In case you’re wondering, that’s Joseph F. Smith (sixth president of the Mormon Church, nephew of the original Joseph Smith) and some of his wives and 42 children. {As I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I’m a walking encyclopedia of Mormon polygamy trivia, a topic that absolutely consumed me in my teen years.}
Correction to above:
- [/SIZE]
- That should be “forty-eight” children. (He had forty-two when he testified before Congress, which is what got lodged in my mind. It’s a common mistake.)
This thread has gotten me thinking… uuuummm… Sampiro? I know you don’t know me at all, but I’ve read practically all your threads and think you’re awful spiffy. Since I can barely hear anything over that damned ticking noise that follows me everywhere, could you perhaps see your way to sparing me just a couple of teaspoons of you know? I’ll just sign in here at number six on the waiting list. Thanks bunches, you’re a doll.
[sup]
Just in case it’s a boy, you didn’t mean the bolded part literally, did you? Wouldn’t want any surprises, after all.[/sup]