My sleeping disorder is really acting up again, and it's getting to me. My family spent over $10,000 this summer having sleep studies done on me and talking to renowned sleep specialists. All that time, travel and money has done nothing. If anything, it's become worse. I'm unable to sleep until 6 or 7 AM, even when dead tired. Thus, I'm out of school, and it doesn't look like I'll get to go back this year.
The program I'm working with, Home & Hospital, doesn't allow me to keep the classes I was taking at school due to the difficulty of doing them at home. I had to drop my AP courses, science, math and language. My schedule is all electives, just as it was last year when I had to do this program. Because I will be unable to meet the college requirements for science and language, it doesn't look like I'll even be able to get into a state college. This is devastating because it is destroying all the dreams I hold for myself. How can I become a lawyer if I can't get into college?
I also can't participate in any clubs while on Home & Hospital. I was president of the debate team, a member of the Christian club, an active member of the junior class, serving on many committees, a member of the social service club, and on the tennis team. All that has been taken away from me. I also can't go to dances now unless I go as one of my friend’s dates. I was also popular, dammit. I had a ton of friends. Now, I only see about 20 regularly.
I'm being cheated out of my high school experience.
My parents are angry the situation because they know that if I were at school, I’d be taking hard classes, doing well, and be on my way to getting into a good college. They are taking their anger out on me by insinuating that I am a failure and this is my entire fault. I disappoint them. I'm not good enough to be their child. I already feel like I'm doomed to a life of fast food work due to the current circumstances of my life, they're just making that seem like more and more of a reality. We're not speaking.
My boyfriend of 5 months and I have grown apart. Or, rather, I have grown apart from him, while he has only grown closer. It's hanging by a thread, and I'm going to have to end it soon. It's just one more thing I don't need right now. Brian has been the only one there for me these past few months through all of my fights with my parents and the problems with school. Without him, I don't know how I would have coped. Now I'm going to have to hurt him.
If these are the best years of my life, can someone please just kill me?