Below you will find a very long post. It is deeply personal, so proceed at your own risk. Some of you will read it and call me a “cad,” others will perhaps see it differently. I can honestly say that the most truly important part of this post is the portion called “The Letter.” I’m not quite sure why I’m doing this. Perhaps I feel that I need to post to “cleanse” myself, but I’m not sure. I’ve found that the majority of the posters to the SDMB are intelligent, and have a keen insight, though sometimes tempered with a rapier wit. I welcome any and all comments, be they witty, insightful or judgmental.
Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to apply a literary salve to my emotional scars.
- DirkGntly
Once Upon a Time…
There was a man who met a woman. At first, it was a casual meeting. Mere acquaintances and nothing more. Time, however, eventually changed the nature of the relationship. Where at first there was nothing, an ember began to glow. And as often happens with these things, that ember began to grow, breathed on and nurtured by a mutual attraction and affinity of the two for each other.
In the beginning, they denied the attraction. It wouldn’t be right. Both were “spoken for,” but eventually neither could deny the emotional bond that was developing, so a less-casual meeting was agreed upon. They would make the time to discuss the situation and what should be done about it. A meeting-place was determined; a little out-of-the-way juke-joint called Galaxy Billiards. It was here that the first kiss was exchanged between the two, and also the origin of their “secret” names for each other. The nicknames would serve as a reminder of that first meeting, and as a way of secret identification on the internet in chat rooms and instant message programs. Her chosen nickname was “Galaxy” and his was “Billiards.” To others it may have seemed trivial or childish, but to them it was special, and provided a sense of security.
As time progressed, the relationship grew, each becoming more fond of the other. Soon it became apparent to even casual observers that there was something deeper then mere friendship being shared between the two. The man made a point of making his spouse aware of the situation; the spouse, surprisingly, accepted it. Her reasoning was sound: she couldn’t prevent her husband’s emotions, and there was no indication that his affection for her had been diminished one whit. On the contrary, she could tell that he was working even more diligently at providing the emotional security that she needed as well, and her greatest happiness was in her husband’s happiness. She was woman enough to see that her husband’s love for “Galaxy” made him happy, and that there was enough affection present in the man that she felt no neglect. In due course, the women were introduced to each other, and a sisterhood sort of bonding developed. The women spoke freely and frequently, sharing familial moments and ideas, as well as their affection for the man. The man took comfort in knowing that his emotions were real, and not a fantasy. He could trust these emotions because the physical relationship with “Galaxy” never took a turn much further than deep kissing, and because of this he was certain there was no confusion of sex with affection.
“Billiards” took great joy in making “Galaxy” happy. He knew that she had never been treated like he treated her. He fawned over her, and spent whatever time he could with her. He realized she may have felt cramped by his attentions from time to time, but he felt his time with her was precious, because he couldn’t afford to take it for granted. Every stolen moment with her was to be cherished and remembered because it was uncertain when the next moment would be. “Billiards” sent her flowers at work, wrote her letters and songs, even created a website dedicated to their relationship. He wanted to shout to the world what a wonderful woman “Galaxy” was, but kept it to himself, for her sake. He wanted her to understand that he loved her unconditionally. There was absolutely nothing she could ever do to make him not love her.
Unfortunately time, though initially kind, turned cruel. The circumstance that had brought “Galaxy” and “Billiards” together was coming to an end. A heart-wrenching decision would have to be made: attempt to carry on the relationship though separated by distance and family, or end it as cordially and with as little fanfare as possible. The decision was made to end the relationship on a cordial and friendly note. This situation was not to last, but the circumstances that changed it are irrelevant. The one thing that can be said is that “Billiards” kept a promise to this very day; a promise to not contact “Galaxy.”
I am “Billiards” and I intend to keep my promise; however, I cannot remain silent any longer.
The Letter
My Dearest “Galaxy,”
I will keep my promise and not contact you. Also, I will make no way for you to contact me directly. It is the first week of June, 2002, and it has been three years since we have had any form of contact with each other. In that three years there has been a great deal of emotional change. No, I don’t “obsess” about what we were; I never did. Yes, it was painful to lose you, as painful as if you had died. No, perhaps more painful because I knew there would never be true closure, but I don’t think about you every day, though you still cross my mind frequently. Obsession would cause me to find you, contact you, or any number of unhealthy things. No, I loved you too much for that. In fact, I still love you, and that is why I still honor my promise not to directly contact you. I simply can’t be the cause of that kind of pain in your life.
You were the second greatest love in my life; you know who the other was. Though I realize I will probably never meet or speak with you again, I hope you know that I will always remember you fondly, and there will always be a special place for you in my heart simply because of who you were, and how important you were to me.
Naturally, I wonder how you are doing and what sort of things have transpired in your life since we last spoke, but I realize that I have no right to ask or know those things. If you ever find this site and feel compelled to reply, I will welcome it with open arms, but I also respect that you may not wish to do so. I can truthfully say that I am happy and blessed merely to have known you, and known you in such a special manner.
“Galaxy,” above all else in this world, I wish you health, and happiness. Though it is beyond my power to offer you either one, I wish them upon you nonetheless with all the heartfelt honesty a man can have. Please take care of yourself, and take care of those you love, for in loving them, I hope you make yourself happy.
With all that I am, and from the depth of my heart,
Love,
“Billiards”
