Damn. I wish I had a friend I could talk to about this stuff but I do not. At least not about this kind of subject.
I am a very shitty student. I usually score in the 50-70th percentile in my classes which isn’t great but when you consider that i’m doing a BS in chemistry and that about 70-80% of the people in my classes intend to go to grad school, mainly for doctorates (pre-med, pre-chem, pre-dental, pre-pharmacy, etc) being mediocre compared to them isn’t really a bad thing. But I saw my physics test scores today and I only scored a 78% (that or a 70%) w/o the curve. With the curve that is a low B. Naturally that isn’t too bad, but I think about 60-70% of the class outscored me (which is usual). What bothers me is that the night before the exam there was a study session with the AI (he is a really good AI. AI= associate instructor) and only I and one other student showed up to study with him. Then I went to talk to the professor later that night and I was the only student who talked to him that night from what I can tell. He asked me if I did the practice exam and I said I did, and the test we were given was very similiar to the practice exam.
It just bothers me to know that even though I have the desire to actually show up to a study session that I still am sub-par to 70% of the class. I can’t help but feel I must be stupid in some way for this to happen. Even if its not true, I still feel it.
The reality is if I did 10% better in school my grades would go up quite a bit. In my classes its not like there is a huge discrepency in grades. On exams about 60-70% of the class scores within 20% of each other (ie if we have a test with 200 points about 60% of the class will get between 110 and 150 points) and i’m usually at the bottom end of that curve (I have noticed this in many of my classes when the grades are posted, maybe most of the class would score within 20% of each other and i’d be near the bottom of that curve). If I did 10% better i’d go from the 60-70th percent to the 40-50th percent but I don’t know how. Studying until I get a headache doesn’t work because all it takes is one stupid mistake to cut 10 points off your exam. I guess I need to find a way to improve my studying skills and test taking skills. If anyone has any feel free to let me know. My goal is to get a B- or higher in as many of my chemistry courses as I can.
Either way, this is just me bitching that I feel i’m stupid and even though its not logically true emotions aren’t exactly logical. It sucks, I really like my physics professor and I feel like I let him down. He seemed like he really wanted me to do well when I talked to him and I feel like I let him down by being outscored by almost everyone since only I made the trouble to go up and see him the night before the exam. Its hard to explain. Maybe I fear he’ll feel he did a bad job or something. I really dont know. Maybe I feel the same way about my AI. He also wants us to succeed and does a good job of explaining the subject matter to us. I just feel bad because I know from going to his office hours that virtually nobody but me goes to them and I still got outscored by most everyone.
I wonder if that is what bothers me, worrying that my professors and AI will feel like they’ve failed when they see my score since from what i’ve seen of office hours I visit them alot more than the other students. The reality is they are really good and I was scared of physics but they do alot to help explain the stuff to us.
I just need somewhere to say this though and my other outlets aren’t exactly good for this kind of thing. It seems minor and petty to be bothered by this but this really bothers me for some reason. I’ve never felt that way after a test and i’ve done worse than I did on this one. I can’t really concentrate on anything today now that I know this happened and I don’t know why exactly. I don’t even feel like going to school tomorrow, but i’ll go anyway. I guess deep down inside its either a fear that even though I tried to get as much help as I could that I still suck or the fear that i’ll make my AI and professor feel its their fault.
When I was in 10th grade Chemistry, my teacher - a med student taking a year off, scheduled a trip to Holy Cross College (a very good school) for a titration lab. Out of all her classes, only those who scored highest on a particular test would be allowed to go. I got a D-. I was feeling exactly the same way you are now, for exactly the same reason. But, the week before the trip, I found out that I still got to go.
I asked my teacher why I was allowed to go and she said that I was the only student who went to every after school help session. I spent every study period with my teacher when she had bathroom duty - also getting extra help. I turned in all my assignments and took every test. She said that my obvious dedication earned me a spot on the trip. She told me that all the other kids on the trip didn’t make the same effort yet they still passed. They were those kids who were in Honors classes out of natural born skill. She was impressed that I was in Honors out of a personal desire. She understood that I was pushing myself to be better than I was and she felt that I had earned the trip.
To this day, that trip was one of the most fun experiences of high school. I even got an A on the lab because I acutally “got” titration without much effort. I will forever be grateful for that teacher having faith in my dedication.
So, unless your professor is a complete ass, and he doesn’t appear to be, I’m sure he understands that you’re giving it your all. The good teachers recognize and appreciate things like that.
One of the things I do not like about college is that grades don’t reflect effort. Despite my low grades in Chem., I always got an A in conduct and effort. It showed me that my teacher saw that I WAS trying. I’m sure your professor and AI see it too.
I forgot to say, I’m currently a part time college student - majoring in education. If you ever need to talk about school and insecurities - or anything else for that matter, my e-mail is in my profile. I still feel the way you are describing.
Thanks for that congodwarf. I hope they don’t feel they failed, but I doubt that they feel that way now.
I don’t know if this makes me evil but now that i’ve seen the other scores I don’t feel as bad. I did around the middle, I saw alot of 50s and 60s (I got 70 out of 90) in the stack. I was just terrified that everyone but me was doing great. Its a feeling of helplessness to feel that even if you try and use the resources available to you that you still suck. What other explanation is there other than that you are too inept to survive in an academic setting? thats how it felt.
If you do bad on a test you can always say it was because you didn’t study. But if you study and still suck you can say its because you didn’t use the resources available (practice tests and office hours). if you use those and you still suck you can say its because you had a bad test. If all your tests are like that what explanation is there except that you’re stupid? I guess that was starting to hit home with me and I couldn’t handle it.
I barely dragged myself to school today and had trouble concentrating all of yesterday and am having trouble concentrating today too. I hope this funk passes soon because I have school stuff I need to take care of and I just don’t care anymore. This feeling of ‘who gives a shit’ I have could be dangerous if it gets out of hand.
I’ll email you some time when I get home congodwarf. Thanks.
A couple of thoughts in which I’m going to tell you to do this and think that, etc etc. (I know it’s much harder in execution)
I wouldn’t worry about letting down any of your teachers. They’ve seen good students and some really bad students come and go. Many of them learn to have thick skin and don’t take things perfectly.
Chemistry is not easy stuff by a long shot, and the people who pursue a future in it are some smart cookies. That you are, A, not failing, and even better, B, within a few percentage points of them, is something you should be proud of.
On a personal note, your posts around have led me to believe you are a really sharp guy.
Wesley, I’ve been there. I transferred to engineering school my sophomore year so I was taking all the freshman classes a year late and was struggling and felt totally behind everyone. There were definitely times I wanted to give up. Even now, although in the end I did pretty well, I still have that feeling that I was inadequate in school. I was going through some school things at my parents house over Christmas and found an old test with a 90-something on it and was totally shocked. I just completely didn’t remember that I’d EVER done well on a school exam. It really does get to you and kills your confidence.
As I said, I’ve been there, and if you need another Doper to talk to, my email’s in my profile too. Good luck.
You should realize first of all that your professor and AI appreciate students like you. You try hard, you make an effort to go to the study sessions and take the practice test, and that says a lot to them about you. They would only be disappointed in you if you weren’t trying to do these things and got bad grades as a result. In no way are they going to be disappointed in a student who gives it his all no matter what. Professors (at least the good ones) judge each student’s progress individually, not based on how the whole class is doing. Like you said, some of them are going to go on to be doctors after this, so they’ve obviously got natural talents in this area. Your professors look at where you were when you started and where you are now. If you’re doing your personal best, then they’ve been successful.
Please don’t get down on yourself over this. Keep doing what you’re doing and keep up your work ethic (which is obviously excellent). Hard work will get you everywhere.
Wesley, what year in college are you? What courses are you taking? How are your grades in general education classes (English, etc.) compared to your chemistry, math and physics classes?
I graduated with a BS in chemistry less than two months ago.
I am starting my junior year. My grades in my non math/physics/chem courses are pretty good, my first 37 hours or electives were As. My grades in my chem/physics/math courses are probably a B- on average. I try to shoot for a B- or higher.
Either way, this physics test isn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Most people didn’t do as great as they though and a 78% (which is what I got) is a B+ with the curve so its not too bad. I still suck at organic II and calc II though.