Those five words. The ones that just destroyed you as a kid. Not so much getting punished, or being told what you did was wrong. Just the actions that went unpunished but not ignored.
Today I pit myself. ROF, I’m disappointed in you. These last few years you’ve made wonderous strides in public acceptance. New clothes, new look, you’ve got maturity, and evn becoming more socially outgoing with your group of friends. No one would recognize you as the highschool nerd you once were. And you’ve done it all with your friends; no alcohol or psychiatric help.
However, today you’ve let us all down. Why, oh why do you insist on being so painfully shy at times. With your close friends you can be fully open. Hell, you even admitted you are 24 and have never KISSED a girl, much less anything else… So why, when there were at least TWO seperate opportunities you could have taken to just strike up a quick, casual conversation with beautiful women did you turn tail and run away? Your friends even offered to look the other way and make themselves scarce for your privacy. They wouldn’t play you for fun, they were all for it. Not on;y did you disappoint me, you’ve disappointed them too. We all want the best for you ROF. Can you please at least once, just take the tiniest social risk?!? :mad:
Maybe something in the back of your mind has convinced you that the girl doesn’t want to be kissed. I’ll bet she won’t mind at all. Just make your lips soft and kiss her gently.
The next time you are alone with a girl, don’t wait until the evening is over to kiss her. Just sort of surprise yourself and her.
The next time your friends leave you with a girl or girls, ask them if they want to walk for a while. That gives you something to talk about or you can just be quiet. Or ask them questions. And it gives you a chance to touch their arms or hold their hands if you cross the street. People warm up to others who touch them at appropriate times.
What have you got to lose? It’s good for us to do things that we are frightened of doing. It’s a natural high.
This seems to be a theme for me today, but I think It bears repeating.
Don’t take yourself too seriously.
That’s what’s shyness is all about. You start worrying that you’ll say or do something stupid, so you minimize the chance by minimizing human contact. But you know what? You will do or say something stupid no matter if you stay or flee. It’s inevitable, so make a joke out of your own foibles.
It sounds contradictory, but your weaknesses will give you strength - if you can laugh at 'em. The first step in overcoming shyness is the realization that you will make mistakes. If you accept it as part of the human condition, you’ll be suprised as to how much you’re self confidence grows. Oddly enough, humility can bring confidence - as long as you don’t wallow in it.
I beg to differ, Monkey. I’m extremely shy, and suffer not one bit from low self-esteem. I love and accept myself completely, and I certainly don’t worry about looking stupid because I already know that I’m not, and people I’m around usually know it, too. I don’t dwell on mistakes I make or fret about making them.
Shyness is often an inherited trait, I’ve been told, and it’s certainly true in my family. It’s also a characteristic of highly sensitive people, which I am. After I get to know someone I’m gregarious and entertaining, a loudmouth who has opinions and is not afraid to express them.
It’s not something to be “gotten over”… it can be worked on and helped tremendously, if one so chooses to change that about themself. After many years of being told I “needed to” get over being shy, I decided a few years ago that I’m perfectly content with being who I am and that’s okay.
Well, obviously I’m no psychologist. I can only speak to what helped me. I’m still not what you would call gregarious, but I’m willing to take risks now. My take on shyness may not apply to everybody, but I thought I’d throw it out there anyway. ::shrug::
The best way to overcome your problem is to rely on alcohol to give you courage. When you have the liquid courage in you, you’ll want to talk to women you’d never dream of approaching when you’re sober. You have to get just the right mix though; drink enough to make you lose your inhibitions, but not enough to make you actually appear drunk. You just have to appear bold. Try two shots; if that doesn’t work keep drinking until you can feel it. Then talk to the women. Hell, offer to buy them drinks too. Then they’ll be even more receptive to your advances. Good luck.
:rolleyes:
FWIW, Ring I’m a 26 year old shy gal who’s never had a significant other. My problem seems to be that when it seems like there’s a possibility of something actually happening, I feel scared and vulnerable, and I back away. I’m terrified, I guess, of exposing myself to potential harm and rejection. I’m trying to break this habit. It ain’t easy, but I’m trying.
It sounded like perfectly good advice to me, and I’m not even a drinker. The OP’s problem is purely of his own creation, so a bit of self-medicating to quiet all (or most of) the pointless internal conflicts can’t hurt.
Also, you need to cut down on your wacking off. Cuz, if your wacking off too much it takes away from your primal “killer instinct” to approach these women in the first place. (sounds funny I know but I’m totally serious.)
Also despite what Guin says I think PaulFitzroy’s advice is very sound too. This assuming you drink at all.
Well I think PaulFitzroy’s advice is disgusting and potentially dangerous.
I’d much rather people get to know me and like me for who I am, not for how I act under the influence of any drug. Love me for who I am, not for who I am in an altered state of consciousness.
“Hey baby! hic Howzhabout you lemme kishew on those lipsh?” Impressive! :rolleyes:
ROF, just be yourself. Learn to take chances, but be true to yourself. Don’t sell yourself out and use alcohol as a crutch for your social relationships. Lest you hear your girlfriend say, “Gee. I only like you when you have a little booze in you.”
Note: I am also shy, and I don’t drink. Wouldn’t even consider it.
Psycho Pirate, he didn’t advocate drinking until your speech is slurred and you’re stumbling around drunk. There is a wide range of effect that alcohol can have on a person, and I fully agree that drinking to incapacitation is a foolish and silly thing. (Plus, it’s a waste of fine alcohol!)
However, one thing that I have noticed is that a significant number of people who do not drink and have not ever drank often assume that “a drink” means “complete lack of inhibitions and inability to walk”. If one’s first exposure to alcohol is binge-drinking undergrads who are out from underneath their parents’ thumbs for the first time, then by god, I’d have a bad impression of alcohol too. Being a responsible drinker involves knowing one’s limits and knowing what effect alcohol can have.
Now, if someone chooses not to drink for moral, ethical, legal or any other reason, that’s their choice entirely and I respect their choice. That being said, however, your comments on alcohol seem uninformed and smack of the hysteria seen in Reefer Madness.
Paul Fitzroy’s advice is probably the best you’ve gotten in this thread.
Drinking as a means to break down the exact kind of social inhibition that the OP is expressing has been a tried-and-true method of meeting people for thousands of years.
Psycho Pirate’s illustration of how it happens, “Hey baby! hic Howzhabout you lemme kishew on those lipsh?”
is of course way off-base and would only come from the “lipsh” of someone who doesn’t drink.
The night I met my wife of 5 years now, we were both drinking.
This statement of PP’s is completely ridiculous and indicates an ignorance of everyday social interactions between adults. . . I’d much rather people get to know me and like me for who I am, not for how I act under the influence of any drug. Love me for who I am, not for who I am in an altered state of consciousness.
Shyness is sort of like drinking alcohol, in that it’s perfectly fine in moderation, but it CAN become a major problem that DOES need to be gotten over. Paul Fitzroy’s advice might work, but for a lot of shy people it doesn’t do dick, myself included back in the day.
I read here on the boards today (paraphrased) “Don’t worry what other people think of you, trust me, they’re not.” MWAG was right, you’re taking yourself too seriously. Don’t be worried about being embarassed as if that would be some sort of tragedy. It isn’t. That girl across the street isn’t the love of your life.
Talking to the opposite sex takes practice. My suggestion is to take the next woman you see who like the look of and practice talking to her. Step up, start a conversation and if it goes horribly wrong, learn from the mistake, remember it’s just practice. it’s a way to take all the seriousness out of the situation, and let you be more yourself.
Paul Fitzroy’s advice is definitely sound. A few drinks(2, 3), can do wonders for the male ego and reduce inhibitions just enough to take that first step with teh opposite sex.
Psycho Pirate’s take on it is…well, damn near psycho. Don’t get drunk, just have a few drinks. There’s such a monstrous difference that even me matey PP can’t be that obtuse.
Yeah, but you in an unaltered state of consciousness are obviously a dork.
A hypothetical variant on the OP’s problem would be someone who really wants to learn how to cook, but every time he approaches a stove he gets an uncontrollable urge to scream and claw at his own eyes. It’s the uncontrollable self-destructive urge that is the problem, not the stove itself, and while the OP could quietly struggle with the problem for years and try to talk himself out of screaming and clawing at his own eyes, the cooking jobs go undone, and life, already short, is racing by.
Why the OP has this self-destrutive compulsion is completely irrelevant. He loses nothing by experimenting with one or two drinks the next time he goes out. If he start slurring like some ridiculous caricature (and this does not happen to people after one drink, unless they have some kind of hypersensitivity), that would be a sign to wait a little while, and drink less next time. The OP in his “normal” state of consciousness is riddled with paralyzing self-doubt. That ain’t lovable at all. He should take reasonable steps, and a small amount of alcohol to relax him is not unreasonable.
