I'm so worried about my mom that I can't sleep

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I called my mom today, to see if she had gotten a package I sent her a few days ago, and she sounded unusually tired, and even a little scatterbrained.

Now, my mom is a multiple stroke survivor. She has zero use of her left arm or leg, and she survived a series of carotid strokes. Any one of them, I’m told, typically has a mortality rate of greater than 90%, and she went through three of them in rapid succession.

Anyway, I was alarmed. I asked what was wrong, and she told me she’d had a couple of “bad days.” Given the fact that she’s tougher than any three people I’ve ever known, and her penchant for understatement, I got really scared.

She said she thought she’d maybe had another light stroke. She called the doctor, who told her to go to the emergency room. She then contacted the ambulance service, who wanted $500 to move her 3/4 of a mile, so she got stubborn.

She wants to wait unitl tomorrow morning, when the home health guy comes. I’m going insane. I’m 300 miles away, and there’s nothing I can do. I tried to plead with my dad, but he’s as goddamn stubborn as she is. They don’t have the money.

They’re old (74 and 77…and my dad still physically lifts her every day for a bath after 53 years of marriage. I can’t even grasp that kind of devotion) and it’s their way or the highway.

I’m almost physically nauseous right now, and I have to be up at 4AM for work. I’ve posted about her medical stubbornness before, I think right before her worst bout of sickness (I can’t seem to find the thread right now.)

She’s also a diabetic with severe retinopathy.

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH.

2

Jeez, I’m not surprised you’re worried. Do you not know anyone who lives near them you can call to give her a lift? One of their friends, a relative, a neighbour, a friendly store owner, anyone at all? What about calling a cab?

If you don’t, assuming you get through this, I suggest you line up someone like that for the future.

Good luck.

3

Ogre, the ambulance service wanted $500 to take her to the emergency room as an upfront charge? :eek: Or is this something your parents know from past experience, and they don’t have sufficient insurance to cover it? Either way, it shouldn’t be something they let get in the way of your mom’s care, but I understand how stubborn parents can be about such things. My own parents have had their share of health issues in recent years that they haven’t exactly responded “rationally” about, and there was virtually nothing that my sister or I could do about it. It’s very frustrating.

To share one story - my dad suffered a mild stroke some years back while he and my mother were out shopping. Not only did he drive home from the mall (he didn’t want to leave the car behind in the parking lot, since my mom doesn’t drive :rolleyes: ), he insisted on going to their family doctor first. Even upon confirmation that he was indeed stroking he refused to go to the hospital in an ambulance (a 5-minute drive), instead insisting on going home to wait for me until I could get there from work and take him over myself (nearly 45 minutes later), because he didn’t want to ride in an ambulance. My mom didn’t tell me why they needed me home, so I had the shock of walking in on my dad with his face half drooping and his speech barely comprehensible. I took him to the hospital right away, of course, but because I took him in rather than an ambulance, we couldn’t get the triage nurses to take him ahead of the other people sitting in the waiting room for nearly another hour and a half. He was eventually taken care of, and recovered pretty well considering all the delays in his treatment (he was left with shaky handwriting and a loss of some spelling ability, of all things), but we were all stressed out of our minds dealing with my dad’s stubbornness.

I know it must be especially worrisome given your mom’s history. I hope her home health care worker comes early, and gets her promptly into care then - it sounds as though she is at least willing to accept whatever directive he might give. Best wishes to her, and to you and your dad. I hope all works out okay.

4

I’m not sure about the details of how she got the number, merely that she said she “called the ambulance, and they’ll charge $475 for just picking me up, plus an hourly rate with a minimum number of hours charged.”

Jesus. Is insurance, maintenance, etc. on the ambulance business so incredibly high that these kinds of prices are actually justified? Should I consider starting an ambulance service, charging 1/3 what everybody else does, and drive them out of business?

Anyway, she signed off with “Oh, I’m waiting because I’m feeling a little better.” :rolleyes:

Urgh.

She dropped another bomb on me the other day. She told me that she used to love to do charcoal sketches. Turns out she was awarded an art/academic scholarship to Agnes Scott in Atlanta during the Depression, but was unable, due to financial constraints, to take it. She never went to college at all. She was telling me that the first sketch she ever did was of a cousin of hers just before he shipped to Europe in WW2. She said that later, in a random fit of pique over something or other, she tore that sketch up. She told me she’s wished a thousand times that she’d not done that, because the cousin in question was killed by a sniper in France. As far as she knows, it’s the only picture that existed of the guy. Heartbreaking.

Anyway, she was telling me the other day that she is doing OK, except that she gets fearsomely bored. So, armed with my new knowledge about her past, I offered to send her a bunch of sketching materials. That was what was in the package.

She can hardly see at all, and that only in black and white, so the idea may be a non-starter as far as actual results, but I figure anything has got to help with the boredom of just lying in a hospital bed at home ALL THE TIME, unable to read, watch TV, etc.

5

Ah, and thanks, sunfish. I sincerely hope your parents are OK too.

And thanks to you as well, AndrewT.

6

Ogre, I wonder if she called an ambulance service rather than just calling 911. That may be how she arrived at the number. The charge might not be less if she calls in with an emergency, but maybe there’s a difference in how MediCare/MedicAid would handle it? My mom’s ambulance charges (for another incident) were included in with her hospital bill, since we called for emergency assistance rather than simply supervised transportation.

At any rate, with her comment about feeling better, you won’t get her to budge now until the health care worker arrives.

IMHO, the art supplies sound like a wonderful idea, even if her vision is poor. Maybe she can work on miniatures, so that it’s easier to see the whole picture at once.

My parents are doing well right now, thanks for asking. Please let us know how things go with your mom.

7

My mother-in-law fell and bashed her head, which required that she take an ambulance ride a couple miles to the hospital.

No stitches (they didn’t even clean her up very well)
No prescriptions
A tetanus shot

Home in a few hours.

Close to $5k.

Those fuckers.

8

I sure hope she is doing okay. She certainly needs to see a doctor without a doubt and there should have been no worrying about the ambulance bills. Your situation sounded like ours. I just recently lost my MIL and FIL. They had been married 58 yrs. And the devotion your dad is showing to mom is one out of pure love. My FIL would physically lift MIL everyday. They were both diabetic and wheelchair bound and she was a stroke victim herself. FIL’s foot was broken and the bones looked like pea gravel from him lifting her everyday. He didn’t have feeling in his foot from being a severe diabetic. He would take his scooter wheelchair and push her non battery wheelchair with it just to get them from room to room when someone wasn’t there to help. We heard the same story about numerous outrageous ambulance bills. Being 76 they still lived in the era where they thought you should get a cup of coffee for 10 cents and to argue with them was useless. Strokes are very scary indeed. She needs a doctor. In the meantime I’ll say a prayer.

9

$5000?! What. the. fuck.

That’s awful. What did the itemized bill say? Two week’s cruise and stays at the Ritz?

Thanks, Ashkicker. They sound like wonderful, cantankerous, fantastic people.

I know the kind. :slight_smile:

The home health dude examined her closely this morning, and found no abnormal signs. He thinks it was either a very weak TIA or exhaustion from her exercise (she has almost no use of her left side, but she still sweats her way through a walk twice a day - very short distances, but still.)

I’m thoroughly relieved, but…

…my mom is dying. I know that. There will be no recovery. And once she goes, it will go hard for my dad. He’s unbelievably healthy, but he’ll die too. He can’t live without her. Not for long.

:frowning:

10

. . . have not slept since October.

Look into assisted-living facilities or nursing homes now. Medicare and Medicaid cover many of them. Does she have additional insurance? She is going to need it eventually—I had three months of home-health aids, all of whom had been cloned from Prissy in Gone with the Wind (“I don’t know nothin’ about dispensin’ no medications, Miz’ Scarlett!”).

When checking out assisted-living facilities or nursing homes, ask the input of local visiting nurses: they see them all and know the good ones from the snakes pits.

Good luck!

11

Another thing to look into is Section 8 Housing. This is government-assisted rent, and there are assisted living complexes that cater almost exclusively to the elderly. My girlfriend just put her mother into one, and she gave me some info on it. They have a van that takes the mobile folks to their doctor appts and shopping (and restaurant excursions, as well!). They have drastically reduced rates for heavy housework help (floors, windows, etc.). They also have a service that tends to the pedicure-type needs of the residents (very cool indeed).

My friend’s mother puts a sign on her doorknob each night. If she doesn’t remove it by 9:00 am, they check to make sure nothing has happened to her during the night.

This woman is a stroke victim and can only function with a walker and wheelchair. She’s paying…I shit you not…about $150/mo. in rent for a 1-bedroom apt. She can take her meals with the group in the dining hall, or she can make her own food in her kitchen. All she has for income is social security.

If you mom has any assets, it would be a good idea to sign them over to a trusted relative so they can’t disqualify her because she’s a few bucks over the limit. It might be worth looking into.