I'm such a coward. Advice? (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This sounds pathetic, but I feel like I’m cheating on my own mother.
I’m sitting here nervously awaiting the arrival of my step-mother for our first ever outing alone together. I should preface this by saying that our relationship has not been good. I despised this woman for four years and blamed her for the break-up of my parents’ marriage of 40 years. Basically I never gave her a chance. I refused to be even in the same room with her, and didn’t go to my dad’s wedding. I hadn’t talked to my dad for a year. Then, in December my dad almost died and I woke up and realized that I wanted to be a part of my dad’s life I was going to just have to grow up and accept this thing instead of pretending it wasn’t there. My contact with her has still been pretty limited. I’ve seen her on holidays of course, and I’ve been out to their house a couple of times (with my dad and my husband both there), and she’s been to our house once or twice. So, the other night my dad calls and we’re talking about this big event that’s going on in the town where I live (happening today). He says that he can’t go because he’s on a fishing trip with his buddies and I tell him that my husband can’t go because he has to work. So my dad says, well, I bet Joan (name changed to protect the innocent) would go with you, do you want to talk to her? I didn’t know what to say, so I agreed that we’d go together and have lunch. (side note: now my grandma is coming too, so it shouldn’t be quite as awkward).
So this is the part where I turn into a coward comes in. Yesterday, my mom calls and asks me if I’m going to go to the big event, and I lie to her. I tell her that I don’t know if I’ll go or not, because my husband is working. That’s right, I flat out lied, and I feel really crappy about it. When I first decided to open up to Joan, I had a long conversation with my mom about it, and told her that I was almost afraid that I’d become friends with Joan because I’d feel like I was cheating on my mom. And I do. I honestly don’t know if I can tell my mom the truth about this because I’m so afraid of hurting her. She’s been hurt enough already.
I’m new to this whole step-kid thing (at 26) and I’m confused about how to move forward without hurting either of my parents. Have any of you dealt with this? Any advice? Feel free to tell me how stupid I am if you must. Thanks.

Mods: I didn’t know where to put this, so if it needs to be moved, thanks in advance for doing so.

2

Well, first of all, I certainly hope you don’t get caught in your lie by your mother. That would make a bad situation even worse. The whole ‘cheating’ aspect of what you’re doing is basically just a feeling (as opposed to a fact), but when you add lying into it, you really are doing something wrong.

How does you mother feel about this woman, and about the breakup of your parents’ marriage in general? Is she still upset (just a question, not a judgement) or has she accepted that your father has remarried and moved on? My father remarried several years after my parents divorced, and my mother was still angry about it. Any time I spent with my father and his new wife she experienced as a direct insult to and betrayl of her. However, that is just who my mom is—she seems to believe that there is a finite amount of love in each person’s heart and, if you give it to one person, there’s less for the others. It is now many years later and she and my stepmother actually get along quite well. My mother perhaps needed time to get used to the idea that there was one other person around to spend time with. It’s difficult to say whether your mother would eventually feel the same way, or even if she would be fine with it now.

The important thing is to stop lying and sneaking around. It will be a lot easier for everyone to come to terms with this if you’re honest. Lying would only delay the ‘healing’ time and it creates its own problems.

3

I feel your pain. Although you are new to this, I’ve been living this a LOOOOONG time.

My parents split when I was still a kid. I blamed the “other woman” for years. In fact, I was still so bitter when I got married that I didn’t let my dad walk me down the aisle. I regret that to this day (18 years later).

Several years ago, a few months after my wedding, I realized that I couldn’t live this way any more. So, I made a very concerted effort to become friends with my step-mother. It was easier of course because my Dad and step-mother lived in the next state from us. My family made a point of going to my Dad’s couse a couple times a year and spending a few days there. They also came up here and stayed with us. I hosted gatherings in my home and made a point of including everyone. However, a couple of years ago, my Dad and step-mother moved up here and had a home built. This definitely complicated things, because frankly, I do love my step-mother and holidays were now going to become a real issue; at least to my mom.

I, like you, felt guilty at first. I didn’t want to hurt my mother either. However, in the end, family is all you have and it’s important to move on. Due to the impending Christmas holiday last year, I sat my mother down last year and explained that I’m not trying to hurt her, but I want my kids to know and love ALL of their family. I have actually had this conversation with her many times over the years. I also explained that it was high time that I got to spend Christmas with my Dad. My Dad and step-mother had invited me, hubby and kids, my MIL, my mom, my two sisters and their SOs and couple of other people over for Christmas. My mom TRIED to make me feel guilty for not doing a separate gift exchange with her before going to my Dad’s. The thing to keep in mind here is that my mom, MIL, my family and other family members had spent Christmas Eve together. I felt my mother was being a little petty and I didn’t give in.

The Christmas Day gathering was extremely nice. I know my mother was uncomfortable, and I really hope that she can get over it. Don’t get me wrong, everyone was extremely gracious to each other, everyone pitched in, my mother complimented the house, the cooking, etc.

Look, it’s not going to be easy, and you will feel pulled in many directions. In the end, your loyalty belongs to yourself. You still love your mom, you sound as if you are trying to move on, and really, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Life throws us any number of curves and we all have to deal with them. Who knows, in time, you and your step-mother may become close. The “steps” don’t replace our parents, they just add to our lives. I feel I am richer for the experience, and frankly, I got another sister out of the deal, whom I love dearly.

I hope that with time, things will work themselves out for you. It’s still new, and I’m sure there is still a lot pain and really only time can heal it.

Best wishes.

4

Also, while I think your heart is in the right place about this, perhaps you are overprotecting your mother. You are really only responsible for your own actions, and if others have hurt her, there’s nothing you can do about it but continue to be loving and present for her. Any hurts you didn’t cause are hers to deal with and, while I certainly am not advocating kicking her while she is down, she is a grownup and needs to do her own work on this.

5

Thank you both so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your experiences. Our “date” went just fine (even though my grandma decided not to come), and I hope we can do it again sometime soon. I really do want to have a healthy relationship with my step-mom, despite the hard feelings in our past.
As for my mom, I’ve decided that I will tell her that I went, and that it was with “Joan.” I’ve never been able to keep anything from her, and I’m not about to start. While we were at the event, I found that I missed my mom more than I felt guilty about who I was with.
As for my mom and step-mom ever getting along, I really kind of doubt it. My step-mom and my dad had an affair for several years before my parents’ divorce. My mom has moved on and is living her own life now, but she still loves my dad. It doesn’t help that none of my three (older) sisters have accepted the situation either. It does help that I have great support from my husband.
Again, thanks for the help.
Val

6

I can see this from both sides.

My parents divorce was nasty when I was a teenager and my father remarried soon afterwards. I had a lot of animosity toward my father for the way he had treated my mother and for the first few years hated spending time with him. Every time I did see my father, it would really upset my mother and upon returning she would give me the third degree and want to know every detail. As it turned out his new wife was quite vicious and wanted nothing to do with our side of the family, so it was easier to just stay away when I became an adult. He died recently and I had not seen him for 25 years. She did not even have the curtesy to let us know he had passed away.

Now I am in the same situation and I have to say I hate my son being with my ex and his new live-in. I pretend that I’m okay with it, I never ask my son questions and always speak kindly of this woman and his father, but it’s hard.

Your situation is a little different as I’m sure Joan would welcome your friendship, mine wanted nothing to do with me. I can totally understand you not wanting to tell your mother of this outing, if she does find out you will just have to explain that you didn’t want to upset her. I have found out things my son has done that he did not tell me about himself, but I understand he was just trying to save me unnecessary upset. I’m sure your mother will understand too.