I realize that should be shilling or something like that. I realized a bit too late.
Randy: Yo, dawg, what up?
Contestant: Hello.
Paula: What’s your name?
Contestant: Paul, loov.
Simon: And what are you going to sing for us, Paul?
Contestant: It’s a little ditty I wrote meself.
Simon: Go ahead.
Contestant: Yesterdaaaayyyy, all my troubles were so far awaaaayyy.
Simon: :rolleyes: Stop! Stop!
Contestant:
Simon: That was, perhaps, without a doubt, the absolute pinnacle, the number one ultimate sensual experience in pain. You can’t sing, you can’t write, and you look like a puppy dog!
Randy: Yo, dawg.
Paula: Well I thought you were pretty good. You might want to take some voice lessons, though.
Contestant: Booody 'ell?
Simon: Paula?
Paula: Yes.
Simon: Randy?
Randy: Yo, dawg. No, puppy dawg.
Simon: No from me. You’re just not Idol material.
(Paula storms off)
Contestant: She’s leaving home, Simon.
Oh, Christ, I’ll be laughing about that line 'til at least tomorrow afternoon.
Ah well, that line still made me laugh.
Okay, I’ll try to do one, even though I’ve never seen the show…
Simon: So, who’re you?
Micheal Stipe: You can call me Michael
Paula: All right, Michael, why don’t you sing for us?
[Michael Stipe sings Losing My Religion, dancing as he does in the music video]
[At the first word the judges grimace]
Simon: You know, people often say that a bad singer sounds like a cat in heat, but I think that in your case it’s literally true.
Paula: It wasn’t THAT bad. At least the dancing was interesting.
Randy: Listen, dawg. I don’t think those lyrics work for me. They sound too opinionated, and people these days don’t like that. Once you get those voice lessons you might want to work on your lyrics.
Simon: I say no.
Randy: Me too.
Paula: Yeah, I guess I have to say no as well. Sorry.
If David Johansen had tried out in his NY Dolls clothing…
Judges: Are you supposed to be a man or a woman? I think you really needs to take some singing lessons. If you’re going to dress like a woman, you should at least sound like one. Personality crisis, indeed.
RYAN: Back for a second round on American Idol, let’s welcome Ashlee Simpson! Ashlee, you really won over the judges on your first appearance when you sang “Pieces of Me.”
ASHLEE: Thanks Ryan.
RYAN: What will you be performing tonight?
ASHLEE: It’s a song I wrote myself, a little different sound. It’s called “Autobiography.”
(Music begins. It is “Pieces of Me.” Worse, it’s obvious Ashlee is not actually singing. She looks confused, then does a little jig and walks off the stage.)
RYAN: (Stunned silence)
PAULA: (Tentatively) It was a cute little dance.
RANDY: What’s up with that?
SIMON: I have suffered on this show. I have endured tone-deaf singing, dancing with less grace than a Clydesdale. I have heard pop songs misinterpreted and standards absolutely butchered. But all those so-called acts had one thing that makes them infinitely superior to this travesty. At least they actually sang! Miss Simpson, you are hereby banned forever from this program, and if I had my way, you would be banned forever from performing in public – or in private!
RANDY: Agreed.
PAULA: Agreed.