Imagine if [INSERT NAME HERE] had auditioned for American Idol.

Cafe Society
1

Have you ever wondered how a lot of big names in the music business would fared in an intitial AI audition? What would Simon have thought of Elton John or Roy Orbison? Would Aretha Franklin have made it to Hollywood?

Choose a name and script how you think the audition would have gone. As an example, I will start with Prince:
RANDY: Hi, dawg. It says here your name is just Prince. You don’t have a last name?

PRINCE (young and dressed to the nines): I have to look for the ladder.

RANDY: Oh…well…ok…so what do you hope to do here, dawg?

PRINCE: Sometimes it snows in April.

SIMON: What the hell are you wearing?

PRINCE: Hey, take a listen. Tell me do U like what U hear? And if it don’t turn U on
Just say the word and I’m gone.

SIMON: Don’t worry we will.

PAULA: So what are you going to sing for us today?

PRINCE: “The Wind Cries Mary” by Jimi Hendrix.

RANDY: Ok. Go.
[Prince sings the Hendrix song awesomely, like Prince, complete with overtly sexual dance moves]

PAULA (containing drool): That was really good. I think you have a fabulous personality. It’s yes all the way for me.

SIMON: I thought it was a karaoke performance at best. It was like a ghastly cross between Jimi Hendrix and Michael Jackson. You’re also very short.

RANDY: Yeah, I’m kind of with Cowell on this one man. I wasn’t feeling it. The Michael Jackson thing is dead. dawg. you’ve got to find your own style.

PAULA: Oh, come on, you don’t think he’s hot…I mean talented?

RANDY: He’s not ready for this yet, dawg.

SIMON: I think you should get a job as an elf at Disneyworld.

RANDY: IS that a no.

SIMON: That is a no.

RANDY: Paula?

PAULA 100% yes!

RANDY: Well it’s a no for me too, dog. The Michael Jackson thing just isn’t happening for me.

SIMON: Goodbye. Have a nice life.

PRINCE: That’s an electric word, “life,” it means forever and that’s a mighty long time but I’m here to tell you, there’s something else…the afterlife.

SIMON: Is that a threat?

PRINCE: Michael Jackson kiss my ass.

who else can envision a scenario?

2

Janis Joplin
Paula: My, those are some interesting rags, um, clothing you have on.
Simon: Are you sure you’re a girl?
Randy: Why don’t you sing for us?
Janis does Piece of My Heart, Janis style.

Randy: Wow. That’s the best so far in the 30 years of this competition.
Paula: Yes, that was nice sweetie. I especially like the the gravel in your voice.
Simon: Well I thought it was appalling! We’re looking for the next American Idol not American Boxcar Bertie.
Randy: I agree with you Simon. Nah from me. Whaddaya say Paula?
Paula: Come back next year after some voice lessons.
Simon: I would have said yes.
Janis leaves room.
Simon: Have you ever seen such an ugly cow? Gah!
Paula smacks Simon across the head and leaves the room.

3

You beat me to it.

They would have also have turned down Joe Cocker, Rod Stewart, Ethel Merman, Mick Jagger, Robert Plant, or any successful singer who had a distinctive voice.

4

As someone who doesn’t really watch American Idol, I have to ask, Biggirl, is that pretty representative of how the judges are a lot? Do they say one thing and then say the other? Regardless, that was a hilarious dialogue.

5

Randy tends to waffle a lot and lets himself get influenced by Simon. Paula is reluctant to be critical and often will try to say nice things to people who suck. Simon sometimes likes to say 'I would have said yes" to people who suck just to dick with Randy and Paula. So yes, all of those elements in Biggirl’s dialogue are representative of the show, just usually not all at once.

6

Fun idea for a thread. Also consider the knee-jerk reaction of fans, such as:

Did you see that guy Harry from New Orleans? John Stevens all over again. :o Those crooner guys can’t sing!!

Yuck yuck yuck on the big-haired Lyle in the Houston auditions. Way too country, and he’s fugly!!!

Was that guy Tom Waits even a serious contestant, or was he just trying to get on TV? Simon was right, he sounded like he’d gargled with gasoline.

I like Kurt from Seattle, he really has a nice voice. Hopefully in Hollywood he’ll get a sense of style. The jeans and flannel stuff won’t cut it.

Wayne who auditioned in Vegas sounded like a GIRL. Sure he can carry a tune, but he totally sounded like a chick!!! No way he makes the finals.

Etc.

7

Simon: Yes, yes. Who are you, again?
Stevie: My name is Little Stevie Wonder
Simon: Well, you’re not a star yet, Stevie. Take those bloody sunglasses off.
Stevie: Oh! Well. Okay.
Randy: DAMN! Yo, dawg! Stick 'em back on. Please.
Paula: Oh, poor baby. (Raises voice) You have an eye condition?
Stevie: Actually, I’m blind.
Simon:Part of the reason we do these auditions is to see what you have new to bring to the table. Now, a black blind musical genius is a bit “Ray Charles-ish”, isn’t it? You weren’t going to sing “Shake A Tailfeather” – were you?
With a harmonica?
A bloody harmonica?
This I gotta see.
This isn’t the Handicapped Idols. Besides we’ve already had a morbidly obese Idol, an Illiterate Idol and

Damn, dawg. Put it like that, I’m entirely witchoo.

He can’t see you Paula.

Twit.

8

Dammit, I clicked on “Submit Reply” by accident in the middle of it. I was trying to figure out what Motown song I’d have Lil’ Stevie singing with harmonica accompaniment. Grr.

9

Paula: She’s cute.
Simon: Indeed.
Randy: What’s your name.
Young Paula: Paula Abdul.
Randy: Same as you.
Paula: That’s right.
Simon: You look alike, too. Only she’s smaller.
Paula: Alright, Paula, what are you going to sing for us today?
Young Paula: I’m gonna sing “Material Girl” by Madonna.
Paula: Alright, go ahead.

[Young Paula breaks into Material Girl, complete with her own choreographed dance moves.]

Paula raises her hand to make her stop.
Awkward pause.
Young Paula: Do you want me to do another song? I have a song of my own.
Randy: (laughing) No, I don’t think so.
Simon: That was ghastly.
Paula: Aw, knock it off, Simon. She wasn’t that bad.
Simon: (now laughing) It was awful.
Paula: What was wrong with it?
Simon: Her voice sounds like a cat with its tail caught in the door. Sorry.
Paula: Randy, what do you think?
Randy: It’s a no, dawg. You do that thing with you voice, it gets all nasally and it’s just not good.
Paula: Sweetie, maybe with a little vocal coaching, you can come back next year. I think you have a good voice, but a little more practice… Come back next year.
Simon: It’s a no, Paula.
Young Paula: Maybe if I do another song?

[Young Paula breaks into Straight Up, now with really intense dance moves and hand motions]

Simon: No. Sorry, the audition is done.
Paula: Maybe next year.
Simon: If you do come back, don’t do the dancing. Promise me you’ll stop dancing.
Young Paula: You want me to stop dancing?
Simon: Yes.
Young Paula: Okay, next year, I won’t dance.
Simon: No more dancing.
Paula: And take voice lessons.
Young Paula: I will.

[Young Paula leaves]

Simon: She was the female equivalent of William Hung.

Ryan Seacrest: Well, she had the confidence, but it doesn’t look like the judges were impressed. Paula, what happened in there.
Young Paula: tearing up They hated it. They picked on my dancing. Paula kept saying to take voice lessons. Screw her. Screw her! She can **** herself. I’m gonna make it big someday, and if I’m ever judging someone’s singing, I’ll be a LOT nicer than they were!

10

Name: Robert Zimmerman

Z: I’m gonna sing a SONg I wrOtE called Blowin’ in the Wind and I’ll be accompanying myself on the harmonica.

Simon: This should prove interesting.

[One standard Dylan performance later]

Paula: Well…

Randy: Hmmm… well, as a songwriter you’re better than average dawg, but how shall I say… you don’t really look like an Idol and you sure don’t sound like one…

Simon: I’m not saying this to be rude, but I must suspect the more talented part of you ran down your mother’s leg soon after delivery. Do you have any talent with making waffles, maybe, because then you might have a promising career as a short order cook.

Paula: I’m gonna vote… … I have to say no, sorry.
Randy: Seconded.
Simon: Absolutely No. I wish No had more letters so I could be so emphatic.

Dylan: So is the answer yes or no?

All: No!

Dylan: Cool. Tell me when you’re ready for me to start singin’. It’s a song I wrote called Blowin’ in the Wind…

11

Ryan Seacrest: Charlie has a backstory that would make a stone cry. He was born No Name Maddox to an unwed hillbilly mother, grew up in foster homes and by the time he was in his late 20s he’d spent more of his life behind bars than outside of them.

[video clip]Charlie: Yeah it was a drag you know, but what you gonna do, Lou? I got by and learned my guitar and I eat out of your garbage cans and took these kids you threw away and…[/video]

Now in his early 30s Charlie wants to use his music to reach everybody with his unique perspective and viewpoints.

[video clip]I wanna reach out there and say and HEY MR. AND MRS AMERICA! DON’T YOU THINK YOU’RE SO HIGH AND MIGHTY CUZ AIN’T HAF A Y’ALL GOOD AS ME YOU SORRY BAGS OF…[/video]

Let’s see what the judges think.

Paula: So Charlie, what brings you here today?

Charlie: The voice of the Idolaters say that this is where it all begins. Today we sing, tomorrow it’s bodies up to the sky.

Randy: It’s cool to see somebody who’s enthusiastic.

Simon: And a refreshing change from ‘I wanna share my talent with the world.’ What are you gonna sing for us?

Charlie: It’s a song I wrote out in the hall called “Kill! The Devil’s in Your Jewbastard Kidneys!”

Simon: Hmm. Well, let’s here it.

[one song later]

Paula: Well, you’re so intense. And very unique… certainly not just a prepackaged pretty boy, and those were some interesting lyrics. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody rhyme ‘cut out the guts of the wiseman’ so effectively. I’m gonna take a chance and say yes.

Randy: Dog… it was… pretty… interesting. But the thing is, we’re a pop contest and you’re just a little too political and that worries me. I’ll admit that the ‘get back to the cotton patch boy, Uncle Charlie’s gonna show you how to stab’ struck me just a little wrong, but that could be me. Still… I’m afraid I’m gonna have to say no.

Simon: Well my mind’s made up. It’s a definite no. And I’ll tell you why- your lyrics are powerful, your voice is okay, your style is definitely great, but ultimately… you’re just too short. Nobody wants a 5 foot tall Idol.

Outside-

Ryan: How’d it go in there?

Charlie: The man turned me down again, Ben. Told me to blow, Joe. No what I mean, Darlene! But YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S IN JAIL! I’M THE ONLY FREE MAN ON THIS AUDITION!

Ryan: Well I’m glad to see you still have hope.

Charlie: The Devil Always Shaves His Head!

Ryan: That’s really in right now, though personally I’m sticking to highlights. Next up is this Cuban bongo player who came here from NYC with his wife, a wacky redhead who says she’s here just to show support but who has been telling others she plans to get in on his audition. Let’s see where this goes…
Plagiarism admission: the final 2 sentences were paraphrased from the end of REAL FAMILIES episode of WKRP.

12

Too funny, y’all.

Someone do Ian Anderson, pretty please?

13

Okay, I’m not as good as you guys, but I’ll give one a shot.

Randy: Yo, what’s up, dawg? Tell us your name.
Snoop: Calvin Broadus, but my nephews call me Snoop.
Randy: Okay, Snoop, so what are you going to give us today?
Snoop: I’m’a drop it like it’s hot, drop it like it’s hot. Fer shizzle, my nizzle … I’m S-N-double-O-P D-O-double-G from the LBC … Bee-otch!
(Paula and Randy jam out, while Simon rolls his eyes.)
Randy: Dude! Like, what language was that?!?
Paula: Well, I really like your French braids.
Snoop: Thank you, Paula. You’re tha shiz-nit, ho. My momma ain’t home, and I got bitches in the living room gettin’ it on and they ain’t leavin’ ‘til six in the mornin’.
Randy: Yo, you’re entertaining, dawg, but you’re just not right for this competition.
Snoop: Aiight, but ya’ll gonna regret it when me and Dre at the door, ready to make an entrance, so back on up. 'Cuz you know we 'bout to rip shit up. Fer shizzle.
Snoop leaves (Actualy, I kind of envision Paula going out back to share a joint with him)
Judges look at one another.
Simon: He was worse than that “Can you dig it” guy from last year.

14

Ooh! Somebody do Neil Young!

15

Next on Canadian Idol: Geddy Lee’s audition.
*
“We are the priests…”*

16

Neil Young would be on Canadian Idol.

17

AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANT SEARCH: DUBLIN

Randy: Uh… and your name is

Contestant: Eithne Ní Bhraonáin, though you can call me Enya.

Paula: Cool name, either way… what type of name is that?

Enya: I’m Irish.

Simon: [something under his breath about car bombs]

Paula: How is it pronounced again?

Enya: It’s Gaelic. It’s pronounced ett-wan-a-ross-me-hart-ami-col-dig-ho-rah-she-via-mogaric nay bah-rasidolkog-mee-gar-hoom-sha-hoot-fark.

Paula: Well, alright then. What are you going to sing for us?

Enya: Tis a traditional song of my people I have reset to new music called Araklan di Brathneirin. It’s a song calling for an end to war and specifically to the end of cat mutilation in Connaught.

Simon: And who the bloody hell are these twelve…seventeen… twenty-four…whatever women behind you?

Enya: My back-up singers.

[ONE ENYA SONG LATER]

Randy: Wow. Just… wow. I’ve never heard anything like that. I don’t know what it was but I’ve never heard anything like it. And I think I thought it was beautiful… and you’re beautiful… you’re comin’ to California, she-Dawg! What’d you think Paula?

Simon: Paula?

Randy: HOLY SHITE DUDE, SHE CUT HER WRISTS SOMETIME DURING THE SONG!

Seacrest: While Paula was transported by cab, buff auditionees and helicopter to the Our Lady Queen of Socialized Healthcare hospital, the debate resumed.

Simon: Hmm… well, you have the look. That’s the good news. For the bad… I’m not saying this to be rude, but when you walked in that door I still thought that a millennium of English tyranny against Ireland was totally unjustified and a cancer on our national history. Now I totally understand why they did it… they could hear you people bloody singing across the Irish Channel and it was the only way they could get you to shut the hell up! I’m frankly amazed the RAF hasn’t turned the whole of Ireland into a pile of rubble and a gigantic Q-Zar game cause that was just. bloody. evil. I’d only hire you to sing if my top boy-band star was strung out on PCP and X and I needed to bring him down five minutes before showtime. If I received a note from Sinn Fein that my mother was being held hostage in a basement at their mountaintop stronghold and they were going to put her in a giant food processor unless I voted to take you to Hollywood I’d send her a note saying ‘Ma, I’m sorry, but you really should have thought of this eventuality before you took my potty chair away from me too soon.’
On the other hand you did make Paula cut her wrists. Pack your bags and buy some suntan lotion. I say yes.

Ryan Seacrest: Well that was a close call and sort of an unexpected turnaround. Hopefully our next auditionee won’t be nearly so controversial. So I’ve seen contestants bring all sorts of things to these auditions, Sinead, but I think you’re the first I’ve seen with a poster of the Pope- you must be really religious? I understand you wrote your song yourself?

Sinead: Aye.

Ryan: What’s it called?

Sinead: Love in the Morning

Ryan: Pretty title. The judges love ballads.

Sinead: It’s a song about female genital mutilation on West Claridge St. in Belfast and how it must stop but will only happen over the dead body of His Unholiness the Anti-Christ in Rome may he rot in Hell. And it has some Tina Turner dance moves and a jazzy Robbie Williams naughty boy quality…

Ryan: Sounds good!

18

backstage lackey: okay, who’s next? contestant number 6243!

[mick jagger walks in]

simon: okay, hold up. before you say a single word, what’s with the lips? did you perform cpr on a beehive?
mick: (looking around nervously)
randy: yeah, dawg, those are some serious lips you’ve got there.

(insert silence)

mick: well, here’s my first song. i want to sing “every rose has its thorn” by poison.

(insert mick-ish singing of said song. feel free to insert leather pants and tiny t shirts as well as frantic leg kicking, if you must)

(insert more silence)

(all three judges stare at mick, blinking)

(simon drinks some coke. randy farts.)

simon: what was that? did you think you were just going to walk in here and win with that? you even wanted to bring in a guitarist. the man looks like one of the california raisins!
randy: yeah, that was weak.
paula: i don’t know…i kinda like the pants…i like the look, just not…on…him…

simon (looking offstage): next!

(giant vaudeville hook pulls mick offstage…

…in walks steven tyler of aerosmith)

steven (as he ties that stupid little hankerchief thingy on the microphone stand): i want to sing a song for you…it’s called “every rose has its thorns” by poison…
(hilarity ensues)

19

They don’t have to be from the US do they? I’d love to see one for Ziggy Stardust era David Bowie.
Anyone wanna do one for the guy from the Pogues?

20

Simon: Yes? Who are you?
Shane: I’m the friggin’END OF THE WORLD
Paula: My those are a few very colorful teeth you have there guy.
Randy: Hey dude, whatcha got in the flask, bro?
Shane: Bugger off, ya blighter. Gitchar own.
Simon: Well, what are you gonna sing for us?
Shane: You’re a bum! You’re a punk! You’re an old slut on junk! Lying there like your dead on that old drippy bed!
Paula: Mmmm. That was nice! And he’s got that used up, lived in look. I say yes!
Randy: Yo dawg, if you had given me a little sippy sip, Ida been there for you. But nah, man.
Simon: I loved it. It reminded me of my old days back home when I used to stand on the street corner and curse at the people who wouldn’t give me quarters. You’re going to Hollywood!