OK, so we can safely conclude that a zombie movie where:
[ol]
[li]Natalie Portman is naked the whole time[/li][li]Han shoots first[/li][li]Andie McDowell, Una O’Connor, and Priscilla Lane are banned from the set[/li][li]A couple of random girls drop acid, get feraky, and kick ass; and[/li][li]There are no teenage googley eyes[/li][/ol]
will be the highest grossing movie of all time? Also, no mention of Shanks in the title or some such. I assume Whedon will be directing this thing…
With a real chocolate river.
And dinosaurs.
No. One might injure Portman.
You’re talking about real dinosaurs, right?
Forrest Gump: Should be changed to teach the valuable moral lesson that when a man is not-too-bright, but he’s honest and hardworking and goodhearted and always does the right thing and goes to church regular . . . then he ends up dirt-poor, and has to live under the overturned wreck of a beached shrimping boat until he dies of the disease his slut GF slipped him.
We could get Dinosaur Jr to do the soundtrack…
The Hunt for Red October.
Perfectly happy ending for the main characters the viewers care about. Except the second in command that just gets a deadly cap in his ass for no good reason as far as I can tell (besides the “hey life sucks sometimes so we gotta do it” film school of thought).
Let the poor man we like live dammit!
It isn’t a movie, but I’ll suggest the 2003/4 Battlestar Gallactica franchise lose the mystical rubbish (and the terrible ending, while we are at it). It is still on my favorite list because the good bits were really good: I especially loved the political machinery trying to cope with the new reality, as well as much of the battle scenes. Those by itself make it a worthy addition to popular culture: I don’t recall watching anything that came anywhere close to portraying this. But the mystical parts were lame.
Also, I remember the show was pretty bad about telegraphing bad things about to happen to people by making them over the top boisterously cheerful just before the horrible event: subtlety guys!
“Birthday Girl” is a movie that starts out by creating a very interesting and intriguing situation. A Russian mail order bride (Nicole Kidman) is ordered by a bank clerk in a small British town, he claims because the pool of women in his area is just too small. He also seems kind of socially maladjusted (imagine that) and when he and Kidman meet they don’t really connect that well, as she does not speak English that well and he is kind of intimidated by her. Still they work to make things work out, with the plot thickening considerably when she discovers his porn stash, which consists entirely of sexual bondage magazines, embarrassing him thoroughly by dumping them on the kitchen table while he’s eating breakfast.
I thought things were proceeding along very nicely here, as both characters were starting to develop well, but then the filmmakers dumped a bunch of Russian gangsters into the story who want to use the protagonist to rob the bank he works for. It turns into your standard crap-ass adventure story as the bank clerk does the whole worm-turns thing. So as you might guess, my fix would be to dump the Russian gangsters and have some fun with the two characters working out the domestic mess they have found themselves in, which strikes me as a lot more interesting than your standard bank robbing story. Coulda been a fine film.
From Dusk to Dawn: Starts out as a perfectly Tarantino film about a pair of bank robbers taking respectable hostages to get away. Run with that and leave the fucking dumbass vampires out of it.
I know it’s an adaptation rather than a remake. I’ve never read Dahl’s book so I wouldn’t know which is more faithful; I’m guessing it’s not the earlier movie which was made to sell candy IIRC.
No way! The movie exists to pull that bizarre vampire 180. There’s loads of running man movies, and loads of vampire flicks, but From Dusk Til Dawn is unique.