STORY DOCTORS WANTED! (the thread on rewriting movies that should've been better)

Cafe Society
1

Ever waited – maybe patiently, maybe with bated breath – for a movie because you loved the concept, or the title, or the novel/comic book/Jerry Springer episode it was based on, then found yourself in the theatre screaming “My eyes! My eyes! Someone gouge out my eyes!”?

Or have you gone to a movie, enjoyed spots of it, but overall walked out thinking, “Meh. I wish they’d done X instead of Y, added Z, and taken out Q entirely”?

Then this is the thread for you.

Rules are simple. Name the movie, explain why you think it fellated asinine phallus or was less wonderful than it could have been, then tell us what you’d change to improve it. Despite the thread title, you don’t have to restrict yourself to story changes; you can recast, change the cinematography, the music, etc. if that’s what bugged you.

I’ll start with three:

**1. Superman Returns. **
First, recast Superman/Clark Kent, Lois Lane, and Richard White. Not that Routh, Bosworth, and Marsden aren’t competent actors, but if you want this to be a sort-of sequel to Superman I & II, then you need actors who look like they’re not in high school; otherwise the discontinuity between their characters’ ages and the actors’ ages is distracting. Find a chisel-chinned unknown who can actually act to play Clark, and give him more screen name. Lorelai Graham is the right age to have movie-Lois’ life experience, plus she’s remarkably hot. Hugh Laurie can play Richard, and be sure to give him better, more sarcastic lines.

Second, change the order of the Superman-saves-Metropolis, Superman-versus Lex, and Superman-saves-the-White-family sequences; have Metropolis saved last, and make that sequence considerably longer, and harder. This is a movie that needs cool stunts on an enormous scale, and lots of them, not merely beautiful sequences. To make time for it, shorten the “Superman & Lois fly over Metropolis” sequence and the “Superman’s nightly routine of heroism” scene.

2. The Star Wars prequels
Find someone with the balls to tell Lucas that he should stick to the general storyline & special effects; his dialogue sucks the donkey penises alluded to above. Once you persuade him of that, offer Aaron Sorkin as many mushrooms as it takes to get him to write the dialogue. And don’t wuss out on how Obi-Wan & Yoda discovered Anakin’s treachery; they clearly had to see him killing the padawans, not swearing his loyalty to Palpatine.

3. The Return of the King
On second thought, I’ll skip this one. Even I am tired of hearing me rant about it. I won’t say anything other than give Miranda Otto more screen time.

Anybody else?

2

I gather, or at least hope, anyone who complains about spoilers in this thread will be derided mercilessly.

I dunno if this post of mine had any influence on creating this thread, but these were my ideas for doctoring Superman Returns.

There are a lot of movies that are nearly great but fall back at some point on comfortable cliché. For the most part, any movie worth doctoring is one that is already 90+% “done” - a need for large-scale rewriting and recasting is a sure sign the project should never have been attempted in the first place.

The Mel Gibson movie Ransom was tepid but could have been excellent had the happy ending been chopped.

3

Um, Skald, actuall0y, this is the perfect place, not to rant, but to seriously write the story the way you (and I) would have hoped it would be. So please, have at it! I’d love to hear it. 0

4

The problem is, dear, I got tired of myself as I was writing it. :slight_smile:

But since it’s YOU asking, I’ll name a couple of things.

One is actually movie-external: I’d shorten the siege of Helm’s Deep from the second movie to make the Battle of Pelennor fields better by comparison. TT was too long anyway, but I like more so I don’t complain as much. Also I’d ditch the opening with Gollum, as it was annoying.

Let’s see, what else? Nobody but Legolas gets to take down a mumakil single-handed; this reinforces the fact that he’s the go-to-guy for the fellowship. When Aragorn is faced with a clearly-unsolvable problem, he says, “Legolas! Come save my ass!” but having both Eowyn & Eomer take down a mumakil dilutes that. Ditch the comic relief on the Pelennor battlefield with Gimli. Ditch the bit about Arwen being at death’s door; Aragorn doesn’t need any more motivation to take down Sauron.

Oh, and have Frodo and Samwise make out more.

5

SHORTEN THE SIEGE??? HELL NO! bad Skald!

I’ll agree with you on the Gollum thing, though.

Agreed.

Agreed.

Agreed.

No, Aragorn and Boromir. :smiley:

6

This is really my only beef with the LOTR series. For some reason I can deal with comic-relief Gimli in Fellowship, but the jokes really grate in the other two movies. If I could make only one change to the series, I would remove Gimli’s pratfalls during the “Three Hunters” sequence in The Two Towers.

7

Hell, yes. I want the Shelob sequence in TTT, and more Samwise solo heroism in RotK.

Did I mention to also ditch the bit with Frodo believing that Sam has tried to steal food? Because that only works if Frodo has an undiagnosed brain tumor AND just hit his head WHILE smoking weed WITH his lungs full of water.

You misspelled “Faramir.” Boromir was very dead at that point. Or maybe I mispelled “Gandalf” and “Denethor.”

::d & r::

8

Whoa, buddy, that’s like the best scene in the movie. Methinks you’re married to the book a little too much. Change is good. :wink:

9

I’ll take a longer movie, how’s that? I like both those things but I don’t want to give up TTT or any part of the siege.

Yeah, I still don’t watch this part. I go straight past it.

You should run. What a horrible thought you put in my head. It should be Gandalf and Saruman, anyway.

But I’ll take Faramir and Aragorn, I suppose.

10

No freakin’ way. Tha tscene was awful. I am all over change and appreciate a beautiful set of movies but that was so contrary to Frodo & Sam’s personality it’s jarring and painful and simply AWFUL. If I sat here and told you how I really felt I might have to go home and burn my copy, so I’ll stop here.

11

[sixteen-year-old boy]
Or Arwen & Eowyn]
[/sixteen year old boy]

By the way,you have email.

12

Well, I appreciated that Jackson was willing to go out on a limb with Frodo-- make him darker, more twisted, really drive home the corrupting power of the Ring combined with Gollum’s manipulation.

13

Some movie changes are good. Peregrin singing to Denethor during Faramir’s hopeless siege is wonderful, and the primary reason I shall have PJ guillotined when I am godking rather than tortured to death over six days. But the bit with Frodo believing that Sam – WHO HAS BEEN FORCING HIM TO EAT FOR THE PAST MONTH–is stealing food makes not a damn bit of sense.

Now let’s move on to a new movie. Anybody have any thoughts on how to improve X-3?

14

Yes - I don’t have much time, but briefly -

Drop some of the action and go more into the backgrounds of each character.

Go back to the analogies one could draw between mutants and gays.

Don’t make Magneto & Storm lose their powers.

Make Angel actually do something useful.

I’ll try to post more from home. Work is actually you know, busy.

15

I can’t stay away!

The Shining: Leave the ending the way it was in the book.

The Firm: Leave the ending the way it was in the book.

War of the Worlds: Leave the whole movie the way it was in the book. No Dakota Fanning.
I’m detecting a common theme here.

16

You may stop loving me once I say this … but I LOVE Spielberg’s WotW. Even the Dakota Fanning parts. What you suggest would return it to a 19th-century period piece without nearly as much emotional resonance. The only thing I’d add is killing off the son; pretending that he could possibly make it to Boston alive is just dishonest and jarring.

Oh, and more Miranda Otto, making out, if possible, with … um… Kate Winslet. In fact, recast Kate in Tom’s place.

17

Strongly agree.

I love Spielberg’s War of the Worlds too, but I would drastically shorten the Tim Robbins section of the movie. In my mind it’s the quintessential example of saying in 20 minutes what could be said in five.

18

:dubious: That movie…turned my SO off Spielberg. I already believed he was rapidly going down the tubes as a director.

I mean it. What a piece of emotional claptrap. I despise it for the very reasons you seem to like it. I don’t believe sci-fi flicks need emotional resonance, and I get very bitter that every movie these days features only broken families and deadbeat dads.

Spielberg has often relied on tugging at the heartstrings. That may have worked when I was 10 or 11, with E.T. (barely) and definitely with Batteries Not Included/Cocoon but at 30 I expect and want more than just a big fat emotional tearjerker.

19

ROTK- Don’t have the army of the dead be a magical ghost army that can sweep over the battlefield and kill anything. Sort of cheapens the win. Make them a zombie army or cut them out completely.

Supes Returns- Of course have the actors be older that’s a given. How about actually DEALING with the global repercutions of Superman’s return.
End A.I. after he gets found by the Alien Mecha. “From him we shall learn about humanity.” is a great last line because that robot kid knows nothing but the worst aspects of humanity. That ending is messed up and brillant. Don’t have the movie go on for 20 more minutes.

20

It’s not the deadbeat dad or broken family I refer to; it’s the sense of hopelessness, of being overwhelmed by an implacable and deadly enemy that I refer to; it’s the feeling of helplessness. I’d agree, in fact, that it’s unnecessary for Tom Cruise & Miranda Otto’s characters to be divorced in this movie; the concept works just as well if she’s simply away visiting her parents. (And he could still be estranged from his son by virtue of his son being a teenager, as teenagers tend to be jackasses. 'Specially teenage boys.)

Rhymers don’t have hearts. We generate our emotions in our middle kidneys.