Redo the Star Wars franchise, start to finish

Cafe Society
1

While screwing around in your buddy Sam’s lab, you stumble into the quantum accelerator and vanish. Waking up, you find yourself trapped in the body of George Lucas in the mid-1970s, just after he’s completed the principal casting for the first Star Wars movie. Sam’s buddy Al appears to you in holographic form, telling you that, unfortunately, Lucas died immediately after arriving in quantum chamber, and the tech only works if there is a living person available to exchange places with; thus you are stuck where you are forever.

Clearly, on balance, this sucks. But it also gives you the opportunity to fix everything about the movies you hate. What do you do? For instance, do you change Obi-Wan’s dialogue to Luke about Vader killing his father so that Ben isn’t a lying, manipulative bastard? Do you skip the Luke-Leia kiss in the second movie so that the revelation in the third doesn’t make for impossibly awkward moments later? Or something else?

Knock yourselves out.

2

But I’d still get to nail Linda Ronstadt, right? Just checking.

The main thing I’d do is immediately hire Leigh Brackett to re-write all of the dialog. Then I’d get someone with talent to direct the films. Then I’d hire a couple of big, bad, take-no-shit-from-anybody Mormon goons to babysit Carrie Fischer and Harrison Ford for the next 6 years, keeping them away from coke and each other. Then I’d take away Mark Hamill’s car keys.

3

I’d leave the first two movies as they are, creepy incest and Obi Wan Bastard intact. Third movie, I’d play up the fact that Yoda and Obi Wan were blatantly manipulating Luke into killing his father, and make that factor into Luke nearly falling to the dark side. I’d ditch the second Death Star, though - to much of a retread of the first film. The climactic show down between the Rebel and Imperial forces would take place above Coruscant, with Han, Leia, and Luke leading a commando strike force to disable the planetary shields. Lando Calrissian valiantly sacrifices himself (and the Millenium Falcon) to destroy the Executioner Super Star Destroyer, which drops out of orbit and crashes into the Imperial Palace, moments after Luke escapes with a dying Vader.

We had another thread recently about how we’d rewrite the prequels. I’ll link to my answer in that thread if I can find it.

4

Clearly we can’t change Episode IV, it must be gone through with as it was. There is no way to know if other formulations would succeed in that time and place. Maybe clean up a few minor things(like kessel run in 12 parsecs) and make some of the kinds of tweaks they made in the special editions(longer zoom outs on Mos Eisley, the farm, etc) to give a better “epic” feel to it. Mess with too much and you could end up with a flop instead of a megahit and then the whole franchise never really exists. That’s hardly a way to fix your favorite franchise.

Handle the marketing and toy production better. Make sure there are high quality toys and lots of them. Getting a cardboard picture of your “soon to be present” sucks ass when you’re 8 years old.

It’s ESB-ROTJ and the prequels(as well as the special editions), you could really work with. Firstly, stop directing the damn things. ESB’s director did a really good job. The Luke-Leia kiss … the love triangle drove a LOT of the appeal of the movie(fanboys aside). Don’t fuck with it too much. Give Frank Oz his head. Let him do damn near anything he wants with the character of Yoda, the man is a genius.

I’m honestly not familiar enough with the production choices made in a lot of these films to tell you what I’d have done differently in most situations. There would be no Jar Jar Binks. Annakin would have a father, who died in slavery. Midi-clorians would not have been shoehorned in. I’d not over-use the character of Jabba and I’d probably hit a few more planets to show how big an Empire it really was. Shorten the pod race. Up the competence of the Naboo fighters and let them take out the droid control ship. Annakin can do some stuff in the battle, but not that. Some of the Extended Universe stuff with the criminal syndicates and challengers to the Republic(Prince somebody) might make brief appearances.

Enjoy,
Steven

5

I’d be nervous about changing ANYTHING from the first movie. Not that I think it’s perfect, but because that’s the point where you can most easily send Lucas’s life and the series off the rails, and you are, obviously, stuck living that life. It’ll be much easier as a bazillionnaire.

Upon reflection, I think Miller’s plan is good, though I’d throw in a bit of doubt about Obi-Wan early on. That is, I’d have Han wonder exactly how Obi-Wan came into possession of Anakin’s light-saber and neverthleless survived the battle in which he died. And I’d fix the Kessel run line.

Oh, and no taping down Carrie Fisher’s boobs.

silenus, why do you worry about Ford’s drug use?

6

Given that the early films were hardly failures by any reasonable standard, I would probably try to recreate the first two as closely as possible, frame-by-frame. In between, I’d have a long, serious talk with Mark, encouraging him to take care of himself and remember that an actor’s face is a valuable asset.

No. 3 would be completely different though. Blowing up the Death Star again? No dice. Have Luke lead the rebel forces in an invasion of the Imperial Fortress at the Galactic Center, culminating in his personal victory over Vader, who doesn’t get to redeem himself with one cheap gesture at the last second, and the Emperor (who is utterly destroyed, since I have control over the Star Wars Extended Universe as well).

Years later, I might be tempted to do some prequels, but they will have nothing to do with Vader, who must remain a dark, shadowy enigma. The emperor to be might play a small on-screen role, but the principal characters will all be new so audiences can feel some suspense about their ultimate fates.

On preview, I see that Miller beat me to the punch about the second Death Star, but I’ll leave it my comment as an affirmation.

7

Here’s the other “re-write Star Wars” thread. One other change I’d make to the prequels: Darth Sidious has a couple dozen apprentices, and the third movie features Anakin leading them in battle against the Jedi Temple, which leads to a giant Jedi-Sith lightsaber battle.

8

One of the major "problems with the second and third movies was that Carrie was coked off her gourd most of the time. This was reflected in her performance, as well as the performance of others. She and Harrison were also humping each others brains out, from what I hear. Generally not the thing I would want on my movie set. Makes troubles, it does. Miller has some good ideas. But I’d seriously re-work the whole “I feel some good in him” bullshit of Luke’s. It needs to be seriously set up that Vader turns on the Emperor not because he feels for his son so much, but that he is betrayed by the Emp. This gives Luke the chance to give a little “See? Told you so!” look that makes Vader realize what a chump he’s been.

I’d also insert a shot of Anakin rotting in Force Hell for all the crimes he committed. One good turn at the end does not Redemption make.

9

I agree with some of that. They needed at least one scene in ESB where Vader does something to establish that there’s “still some good in him.”* Maybe change the end of his duel with Vader. Vader chops off his hand, and then lets Luke know who his Daddy is. Luke is cornered and unarmed (heh), but doesn’t have a convenient air shaft to throw himself down. Instead, he just kneels there and waits for Vader to kill him… but Vader just walks away. Luke then knows that, at the final extremity, not even Darth Vader can bring himself to murder his own child, and this gives him a basis to work on redeeming him in the third movie. Luke stumbles away, flees from some Stormtroopers, falls down an airshaft and ends up stranded on a weather vein, where he telepathically summons Leia for a pick up.

I don’t really have a problem with Anakin’s force ghost showing up at the end. The Force isn’t God, and it’s not a karmic retribution system. It’s just an energy field, and what happens to you after you die depends on how you’re aligned with that field, and not how “good” a person you were during your life.

10

I’d leave the first three movies almost entirely the same, except maybe go with Miller’s plan to get rid of the 2nd Death Star. The 2nd trilogy would take place after the first instead of being prequels, and would rely more on models and Jim Henson-style characters instead of so much CGI. Also, nobody younger than Luke was in the first film would be involved. And no midichlorians, of course. And once they’re done, they’re done. No going back and changing shit decades later.

11

Agreed, but at its core, the saga is a redemption tale. Maybe include a brief scene in the first movie of Tarkin blasting Alderaan, and Vader staggered by the impact of all those deaths on the Force. Then commenting that even one aligned with the Dark side of the Force can still be impacted by it. But Vader still shouldn’t be in the final tableau. He needs to pay for his actions, and to be redeemed, he needs to acknowledge that to Luke. So a re-write of Vader’s death speech is in order. Just add something to the effect of “I will have to pay for my mistakes, my son, but you have kept me from making the biggest one” or some tripe like that.

12

Hmm. What about this: Tarkin blows up Alderaan. Leia is, of course, emotionally devastated. Tarkin is giddy with glee over his new toy. Vader is, apparently, untouched. Tarkin orders a weeping Leia back to her cell, and leaves with a jaunty swing to his step. Vader stays in the room for several moments, just looking at the debris field.

Then, in the prequel movies, have Alderaan be one of the central locations to the movie’s action. Make it Padme’s homeworld, or the place where she and Anakin fell in love. Something that shows the world has some special significance to Vader, and that he was affected by its destruction, even though he’s given up too much of his humanity to show it by the time Star Wars rolls around.

Too subtle, maybe?

How about if his force ghost shows up, but he’s not all fat and happy like he was in the original Jedi ending? Make him look sallow and haunted, to show that he’s still marked by the evil he did while alive, but glad to see Luke one last time.

13

Too subtle if you were’re planning to wait 15 years between the first and second trilogies.

14

I have to say I’ve never been a huge fan of the Original Trilogy. I saw them in theaters when they were released, and occasionally on television afterward. But it was never the “be all end all” series to me that it was to so many people. Not that the newer ones are any better. Going back and watching it all again recently, here’s what I’d change:

Leia would be replaced by someone much more attractive. Even when I was 7 years old, I didn’t think Carrie Fisher was that hot. And what the hell was up with that hair. Where did she get the time to braid her hair into earmuffs with the whole rebellion thing going on?
The notion that the Ewoks could overcome technology on the level of the Empire with rocks and sticks was, frankly, quite absurd. Come on, they’re little teddy bears! Replace this shameless toy making cash in with, I dunno, a moon of Chewbaccas or something that you can believe is capable of delivering a righteous ass kicking.
More “futuristic” feel to it. At the time, it was pretty cool. But looking back, it just has so much of a 1970’s vibe to it. The hair, the awful dialogue, the ping pong tables with bits of plastic glued to them. Make the whole series more modern and futuristic looking.

15

I believe that was the original plan. Ewok is, after all, some bastardized anagram of Wookie.

I strongly disagree with this. The aesthetic of the first trilogy is possibly my favorite in the history of cinema. And don’t forget it took place "a long time ago . . . "

16

Prequels? Two words:

Shirtless Obi-Wan. (Aw hell, you have Ewan McGregor playing him-naked Obi-Wan)

17

NO PREQUELS! Instead, for the second trilogy, I’d ask Timothy Zahn to adapt his Heir to the Empire novels into screenplay form and film those.

18

I’d do some minor tweaking to the first two movies, fix some of the dialog, change the cantina setting so that its utterly impossible to ever redo the movie with Greedo shooting first.

The third movie would be completely different. First and foremost, none of this crap about Luke and Leia being brother and sister, nor any of this crap of Vader being Luke’s father (he’s some kind of freakin’ lizard, who doesn’t breathe a normal oxygen atmosphere). Nor any second Death Star or ewoks. I’d also make it clear that the Empire was not something recent, but that it was a growing cancer which was spreading throughout the galaxy and that the Republic had been absorbed (forcefully) by the Empire. No long drawn out rescue of Han, just a fast, brutal commando raid. Boba Fett does not die like some kind of punkass bitch, he manages to fight his way successfully out of the area and flees. Once Solo’s rescued and revived, the rebellion finds out that the Emperor is enroute to a star system to sign a treaty bringing that star system into the Empire (after the Empire has pretty much pounded them into pulp). So they launch a raid on the floatilla protecting the Emperor. Massive space battles, with burning ships raining down on various hapless planets. The final showdown between Vader, the Emperor, and Luke, takes place on a ruined planet, with a harsh atmosphere that limits the amount of time Luke can survive without breathing gear.

Shoot much (though not all) of it, from the perspective of Leia on one of the rebels capital ships, being able to only hear parts of what’s going on. The climatic battle (with no force lightning) will, feature Luke nearly getting killed by the Emperor, being saved at the last second by Boba Fett (seems the Emperor’s check bounced), with the Emperor gone, a severely injured Luke will go after Vader, telling him before he strikes him down, “You killed my father, you son of a bitch, prepare to die!”

The first prequel will be about the spread of the Empire, as it encroaches upon the Republic. Obi Wan and Anakin will feature as Jedis who are essentially like Elliot Ness’ “Untouchables” within the Jedi organization. Yoda will be the wise master, who longs for the old days of the Jedi, and is unable to do more than give a small amount of aid to Obi Wan and Anakin. “Pirate forces” (in reality, operatives of the Empire) will conduct raids in both Republic and Empire space. The Empire will blame the Republic for the raids, as well as offering succor to those systems being menaced by the pirates. The Republic will begin to fracture under the constant raids of the pirates, and the seeming inability of Republic forces to do anything about it. Vader is shown to be a double agent of the Emperor, working to undermine the Jedi from the inside.

The second prequel will be the clone wars, and this will not be about armies of clone soldiers, but clones created by the Empire to take the place of key figures in the Republic. The film will crib a lot from the themes of Blade Runner about what is identity, with characters questioning themselves, and each other. It ends with the pirate forces launching a raid on the capital of the Republic, which fractures the Republic into several different groups. Some systems joining the Empire, some remaining with the Republic, others declaring themselves to be independent of either body. The Jedi fracture as well, with Anakin, Obi Wan, and Yoda remaining true to the ideals of the Republic.

The third prequel is the final subsuming of the Republic into the Empire. Now, the Empire dispenses with the pirate forces entirely, and begins overtly attacking any of those worlds which dare reject the Empire. Anakin discovers that Vader is a traitor and races to save the Jedi from Vader’s trap. He is only able to save Obi Wan (Yoda’s never in any danger, being clued in by his Force abilities that its a trap and retreating before the shit goes down) and is struck down by Vader. Obi Wan, realizing that Vader will want to hunt down any surviving Jedi and/or their families, fakes his own death, and smuggles the infant Luke (managing to get him away from Anakin’s wife at only the last possible second) to Tatooine and leaving him with Anakin’s estranged brother, Owen.

19

Leia and Luke do it. Leia gives birth to the [del]Kwisatz Haderach[/del] Chosen One freeing [del]Arrakeen[/del] Tatooine from the grip of the evil empire.

Am I the only person that thinks that Ewoks are evidence that George Lucas finally got around to reading H. Beam Piper?

CMC fnord!
Oh yeah, I don’t stop with The Hero with a Thousand Faces, I actually [del]slog through[/del] read all four volumes of Campbell’s The Masks of God.

20

HERETIC! Now you must die!

Seriously, Carrie Fisher was one of my major childhood crushes.

I’m not sure how you could do that. I mean, it was only possible through gratuitous use of CGI to make this totally unbelievable head bob while Han is seated and Greedo being a blind dipshit. And it still looks hokey. Maybe you could shoot Lucas before he has a chance to reedit. Oh wait, you are Lucas, so just don’t do that.