I’ve mentioned it off and on before, but this Sunday is the flight for my wife and I to Kyiv, Ukraine for the adoption of our daughter(s). I am very excited at the prospects of parenthood and have been looking forward to this moment since we first started pursuing adoption 14 months ago.
In addition, I am thrilled to be able to travel to Ukraine and see all that it has to offer. I am grateful that the elections turned out as they did and that the general public seems happy and life in general is pretty okay over there. I have my phrasebook that I will continue to read and learn from, as well as a book about the culture and etiquette so that I will not be too ugly an American.
That said, I am still nervous as heck. I don’t like flying as it is, and this will be a very long flight (with a layover in Frankfurt), and the thoughts of flying back are less appealing (a layover in NYC). I don’t feel comfortable carrying the amount of cash that I need to over there and feel like I will be wearing a huge bull’s-eye while there. I am not comfortable with being at the mercy of my translator and facilitator (who are both wonderful people from what I understand from other couples who have met them) regarding where we will stay and our general life over there. Not so much that I don’t trust them, but more that I will be feeling lost and overwhelmed all the time.
In any case, I’m a nobody here, fewer than 500 posts, but I figure this was as good a notice as any that in five or six weeks I will regale you all with stories and photos (give or take depending on how long it takes us to get settled at home), or something will have gone horribly awry and the press didn’t pick it up.
Good luck, Tommy. I know it probably doesn’t help any, but statistically, the chances of something going horribly wrong are, I believe, rather slim. Doesn’t matter if you’re new-ish around here, I’m sure we’ll all be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.
Yep. I tried to figure out what the post would be about just from reading the title. I figured you had a large inheritance coming your way but you would receive it only if you had fathered a child. Sooo…you were going on a marathon you-know-what-athon in hopes of impregnating someone (anyone).
You and the Mrs. have a safe flight!
I am very happy for you both and your new family!
I do have some questions if you are up to answering any at this time if you aren’t too wound up.
Being a parent is wonderful and scary all at the same time. Enjoy!
Feel free to ask away. I am sure I will start a ‘ask the adopting-from-an-Eastern-European-country parent’ at some point upon my return, but I’ll still be around today and off and on tomorrow if you have something you’d like to ask.
And thanks for the positive thoughts so far. Despite my calm exterior, my insides are a complete jumble of excitement, nervousness, and outright fear.
Why not just adopt an American child? God knows we have plenty of them that need a good home. This isn’t a slam, but I’ve never understood people who hop through all manners of hoops to adopt a foriegn child; when there are hundreds, if not thousands in their own community.
Is it really easier to adopt foriegn children, than it is to adopt children from ‘your’ own country?
I’m 34, my wife is 40. From what we understood, it could take 2-3 years to adopt domestically, which is time we did not want to spend based on this point in our lives. Had we started this ten years ago, then it would have been more of an option.
Legal wranglings made us uneasy. We had heard more than one horror story where an adoptive couple pays the way for the biological mother during the pregnancy: picking up their bills and in one instance cleaning her trailer. At the end, the mother cannot go through with the separation, and of course the adoptive parents are out that money. In addition, there is always the uncomfortable proposition that the biological mother may re-enter the child’s life at a time when we or the child is not prepared for it.
For reasons I do not agree with (but respect my wife’s wishes, especially since she was adopted herself), she wanted to adopt a child of the same color as us (white). This somewhat corresponds to the first point in that being particular in this regard would add more time to the adoption process than we really wanted to deal with.
There are many more couples looking to adopt then there are available American babies. Many fewer babies are available now than in decades past because of the prevelance of abortions, the welfare system that prevents people from starving, and the lack of shame at being an unwed mother.
And often it’s the birth mother who actually chooses which couple the child will go to. Thus, the selection process is partly a beauty contest - and the older the couple is, the less likely the birth mother will choose them over a couple who is closer to her own age. Also, the birth mothers very frequently want it to be an open adoption, where she expects continuous updates and even contact with the child throughout his life. This can be a real turnoff for couples who just want to live like a traditional family. By adopting internationally, once the adoption is complete, all ties with the original birth mother are gone.
There are indeed plenty of American children in need of adoption - what there aren’t is plenty of healthy American babies, of any color. While I wish more people were willing to adopt older special needs kids, I certainly do understand why they don’t. The children American parents get from China and other foreign countries do need homes (it’s not like they’re less needy because they’re not American - on the contrary, possibly), and while I wish that the kids with the heartbreaking stories at home could get families, I’m not sure I could take on that responsibility myself, so I certainly don’t have anything against other people who choose not to do it either.
A lady I knew who adopted a Chinese girl baby told me that she had chosen to do so for several reasons: it’s much easier to adopt as a single parent if you go abroad, there are many healthy babies elsewhere who need homes, and the parents of a foreign child are less likely to be addicts, emotionally disturbed, or to have any genetic problems; they just undervalue their girls. I admit, with everything one hears lately about genetic causes of social and psychological problems, that that’s something to think about.
I did spend an awful night a few months ago on my local “Children Available for Adoption” website - it’s just heartbreaking. But if I were unable to have children or for some reason decided to have a child that was not of my own genetic material, and I had to choose between a healthy child available within a few months or a deeply disturbed or handicapped thirteen year old, I’d go with the baby. The people who can take that on, I deeply respect, but I couldn’t do it.
You know, for not intending a slam, you’re arriving at one nicely.
TommyTutone, **vertizontal **and **Zsofia **have already covered the basics pretty well. I’ll just add one more factor that mattered to me: most American adoptions are “open adoptions” where the birthmother selects the parents. And most adoption agencies have fairly strong affiliations with religious organizations. Page through the “waiting parents” book at your local adoption agency (which is fairly likely to have pictures of Jesus in the lobby, although the one we used did not), and you’ll see the religious faith of the couples mentioned prominently. Many of the girls and young women who are placing children for adoption have strong religious beliefs, and want to find families who share them and will bring up their child in the tradition they follow.
Me, I’m an atheist. Never been confirmed, baptised or anything. I’ve been to church a dozen or so times in my life, mostly for weddings and funerals. I stood no chance of being picked out over the nice Lutheran or Baptist couple.
Oh, and my original theory based on the thread title was similar to Wile E’s – I was figuring that **MrsTutone **was on some kind of killer hormonal treatment to increase fertility and having mood swings. I’m happy to be wrong.
Brainiac4’s and my son is from Korea. We had him delivered - like a pizza. We’ve had friends adopt from Kahzikstan - with a fanny pack with thousands of dollars in it…they weren’t real comfortable either. But they did make it back with a beautiful little girl.
Congratulations on your new child(ren) TommyTutone, and good luck on your trip.
To continue the hijack: Can someone please explain what the problem with holmes’s question is? If he hadn’t asked it, I would have. Some people have brought up good points that I’d never thought of, but it’s still a valid question. No one has to justify their family decisions to anyone else, but the OP did agree to answer questions. I’m not accusing people of having their children delivered like packages, but I’ve wondered the same thing (about foreign adoption practices, not having kids delivered). Since I’m taking up holmes’s position, I’ll mention that not a parent.
Just a note: I wouldn’t have asked it here. I’d been considering starting my own thread on the subject, but holmes beat me to it by bringing it up here.
Right, I wasn’t looking for a hijack, which I why I accepted the OP’s response and the response of the others and dropped it…I asked here, because the OP asked for a questions and that was one I have and I didn’t want a Great Debate popping up.
I don’t want to step on <b>TT</b> good news thread, with anymore “negative” engery. I appreciate his candid response and wish him luck.
Doesn’t matter if you’re new-ish around here, I’m sure we’ll all be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.