In memory of: Please post.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

To my grandparents…

I lost all of you when I was in high school and didn’t know any better. I always just thought you were these creepy old people who lived far away, but it was neat that you brought me presents. I never understood your history. I never talked to you about the things you had done or the places you had been, or if we did talk, it wasn’t enough. All that’s gone, and has been gone for over twenty years, and sometime during each of those years, I have thought to myself, I wonder if Grandpa or Grandma ever… and I’ll never know.

22

Dave,
It’s been four years now. Four years, four weeks, and four days. Heh, sort of amusing, in a way.

I was away at college when you jumped off the bridge. Keith called me on the 28th and said that you had been missing. He called on the 29th and said that a witness saw someone jump from the bridge. He called on the 31st and said that your body was found.

Every anniversary, Keith and I, and sometimes other people, gather on the snowy bridge and wonder. We wonder why you did it, or if it was an accident. Maybe you were just being your strange self, and decided to look at something interesting hanging off of the side, and you climbed over the railing and then fell.

But probably not. I know you were trying to find yourself, and struggling with how to define yourself. You probably felt lost, or maybe you were ready to move on. I wish I knew.

You were brilliant. You were the eccentric scientist in high school. You were the one who kept trying to convince the rest of us about the possibilities of the internet back in the very early nineties. You could program anything, solve anything, hack anything. I always wanted to see what you’d create, what you’d discover.

This past anniversary, I tossed a CD-R into the river. I burned a few messages onto it for you. I thought you’d think it appropriate.

Dave, I miss you. I’m still frustrated that I was so far away when you died, and I couldn’t even come back for the memorial service.

23

Jack,

I can’t believe you are finally gone. I thought you’d be around forever. I will never forget walking into art class in high school and seeing you there. Short, wearing a goofy artist’s smock and horn-rimmed glasses, looking much too old to still be teaching. I inwardly groaned. I thought you’d be stodgy, or that the tougher boys would ride roughshod over you and class would be daily chaos.

Then you introduced yourself, and told us all to call you by your first name. Who would have thought that the oldest teacher in the school would be the coolest? You were incredibly fair–didn’t let anyone get away with crap in class or in the storeroom. You were truly interestd in all of us and our lives. You were supportive, and open-minded. All the time I was trying to be the next Renoir, I sneered at the gearhead boys who were painting album covers with skulls and motorcycles. Not you–you made as much fuss over their efforts as mine.

I know we didn’t really keep in touch after I graduated–heck, we weren’t that close. But hearing that you died last month made me reflect on what an impact you had on me and the stereotypes I was carrying around. You were a good teacher. A great teacher. And I’m sorry I never told you so.

24

Sis - just know that I miss ya, I love ya and I think about you every day. I often wonder what life would be like now if you were still here, the stuff we would have done together. I’ll never forget all the little things you did for me when we were kids. I know I don’t often talk about you with others, and I don’t often visit the tree we planted for you but I love you with all my heart and I’ll never forget you.

25

Mom,
Not a day goes by that you aren’t in my thoughts. I still struggle with the last two years of your life. You worked so hard for so long, bringing up 5 kids, practically on your own. Dad was there, but not much help. It was like he lived his own life for himself. To hear your crying in the night in the next room when he departed this earth was heart-wrenching. You deserved so much better.
You had only been retired for a year. Then to spend the last two years of your life in a nursing home, completely bed-ridden. I know that even if you called me the wrong name when I looked in your eyes you knew me, you just couldn’t get the right name with the right person. But that was ok. I could see in your eyes that you knew I was your daughter.
I am so glad that you knew how much I admired you. The many times I told people in your presence that if I turned out to be half the woman you were that I would be happy with my life. Of course you didn’t understand that. You were such a simple woman with simple wishes. You have no idea of the lives you touched. I still have people come up to me and tell me about how you taught them in Sunday school at church and how much they loved you. You had a special gift that you shared with those around you.
Maybe someday I will be able to talk to others about you without crying. You rest so close to my heart and always will. The sacrifices that you willingly made for us, the love that you shared, the stories that you told, all of it is still there.
I don’t understand why things happened the way they did. The pain you suffered, not being able to take you home. You lived a faithful life. You were so honest and true. If someone told you an off-colored joke you didn’t even know what it meant, not because you were not smart, but because you were pure and didn’t understand the terminology of dirty language. You worked and raised your kids…and that was your life.
But I also know that for all his faults, once Dad was gone you were not truly happy again. Your words, ‘We grew up together’ were more than true. He was all you knew.
I know that you are now walking on the widest golden street in heaven, with the one you served on earth. I love you, mom.

26

Hi grandpa,

You’d be pround of your baby great-grandson, and you’d be proud that your grandson is playing guitar and singing to him like you did for me. He will never know you, as I did, but I promise you I will tell him all about you. I hope to be the father figure to him that you were to me while my father was out to sea, which he was frequently. I would do anything to have you back for a day, as you were before the Alzheimers set in. Grandma is doing well but she misses you. She keeps your ashes on the table next to your favorite chair, and talks to you, and may even still chew you out from time to time. She loved you very much, as I know you loved her.

When my time comes, I hope I can see you again, and in the meantime I hope I can live up to the ideals that you showed me when you were alive, and love my family as you did.

I love and miss you so much.

27

Hey Little Bro,

It was the first warm day since the fall, the sun was shining, and you, for a reason none of us have been able to understand in the 6 years since your death, did something you have never done before. You passed up an hour in the sun to sit quietly in your room and draw your mom a picture. What made you do that? When have you ever passed up a warm day on your skateboard or roller blades or bike to sit quietly in your room? Even when you were sick dad had to practically sit on you to keep you down.

The picture you so carefully drew that day had such an impact on mom that she tucked it away safely in a drawer.

The next two weeks of snow and bad weather kept you off your wheels and on your sled, but then came another warm spring day when the clouds broke and the sun melted the thinning snow. You grabbed “J” and hopped on your bikes, the two “little brothers” still left at home, doing what you loved best - riding bikes and laughing with each other.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You were riding your bike far off onto the shoulder of that country road. As always, you were just ahead of “J”. Even though he was only a couple of years older, he was still your big brother and was proud to watch out for you. I don’t know what he would have done had he seen the lady coming, but I know he would have tried to stop her.

She didn’t mean to hit you, bro. She said that the sun was in her eyes and she didn’t see you until it was too late. She got confused and hit the gas instead of the brake, surprising her enough to pull the wheel into your direction. The EMTs said that you didn’t feel a thing, that the injuries were instant and total when the fender smashed into your head. “J” will never recover from what he saw.

It is hard to understand how the first grade class president could die. It is hard to understand why the snow melted that day. It is hard to understand why you grabbed your bike instead of your rollerblades. It is hard to understand why that woman decided to drive down that road. It is hard to understand why the sun was in that spot in the sky and why you were in that spot on the side of the road the same time she hit the gas. But most of all, it is hard to understand how a 7 year old little brother can die.

Christians have tried to tell me it was God. Atheists have tried to tell me it was chance. Me? I have given up trying to understand, I am just thankful that something apparently happened to keep you in the house that warm spring day and draw your picture.

I don’t know if you were at your wake, as you see, I don’t really believe in things like that, but had you been you would have seen that picture you drew 2 weeks before, as it sat on your coffin.

That drawing of dad’s house with the flowers and curtains. The big tree in the front and the big fluffy clouds and bright yellow sun. The tombstone under the tree with “A.J.” written across the front. The angel floating above the house with the yellow hair and the smile that spread from one side of the face to the other. Remember when you told mom that the angel was you and that she shouldn’t be sad if you ever died because you wouldn’t be scared?

Had you not left us your picture, I don’t know how we could have made it through your death.

But somehow you knew that, didn’t you.

28

In memory of Xan, who died last week aged 23. I haven’t seen you since high school graduation, but I still thought of you as a good friend. The day before I learned of your death, I got word that our class is having a reunion this summer. I was looking forward to seeing you. While the rest of us spent those four years moping in teenage angst, depression, and/or boredom, you were the one who was always trying to make us laugh and smile. You were quite possibly the most exuberant and optimistic person I’ve ever met, and the world will not be the same without that big cheesy grin of yours.

29

Grandaddy
I miss you so much. Although you died over 20 years ago, the pain seems to grow. Is it you I feel watching over me? You would have loved my family. My kids would have loved you. I love you Grandaddy.

Gramma
We never really got to know each other, did we, Gramma? I was always Grandaddy’s favorite and he was mine. We left you out. As I got older and learned more about myself, I learned about you, too. I wish we’d had more time together. I love you, Gramma.

Uncle Jerry
You were always so very different. I loved your love of life, the willingness to try things, your laugh. I loved that you were a grown up but still watched cartoons with us kids. Aunt Tine, although remarried, hasn’t been quite the same. She doesn’t laugh like she did when you were here. I love you.

Aaron
I only knew you through my daughter and your sister. We still have a hard time believing that you are gone. It’s like your just away at college, only a phone call away. Your Mom,Dad,Sister and Brother have been so brave. Your Dad seemed a little bitter at first, understandably so. What can you say to someone whose first born had been so brutally murdered? And now, David is sick. Be with them, if you can.

30

Chuckie, you were the light of my life. Do you remember the first time you ever baby sat. You were terrified of changing my diaper. You did it though, because I was your favorite cousin. My face bloomed into smiles whenever you came into the room. I was your special girl. Remember when you took me to amusment park? We rode free fall 4 times in a row. I was 4 and you were 19. Everyone must have thought you were abusing your little sister with that ride. If only you could ever turn down my taunts about your apprehension of the ride. Do you remember when you shared your lobster with me? My mom said I was too young to appreciate lobster. You pulled my 8 year old self on your lap and we shared it together. The butter got everywhere. Do you remember that pepper you put in my mouth when I was ten. You mom grew them, and I didn’t know what it was. You said it was sweet tasting. You laughed so hard while turning on the hose to wash my mouth out. Do you remember the last time you came to Florida to visit us? I know we had moved all the way down here, and you couldn’t visit us often. You tried to teach me your beloved sport of golf. How many golf balls did I lose? 4-8?

Your parents miss you so much. Everytime they see me they burst into tears. You were there baby. I was your special baby. It was a good thing I convinced them to come down for my wedding. They were so happy, seeing me happy. They cried and told me how much they wished you could be there. I knew you were there though… They are moving down here you know. They miss you so much and need to be around family. They will love it. Uncle Ray can golf all he wants, and Aunt Betty plans on living at the beach.

I wish I had gotten to say good-bye. It was all so quick. I’m glad though that you didn’ suffer. I can’t wait tell my children about your antics. And I’m sure my husband will try the pepper trick.

I Love You

31

I’ve read and re-read what each of you have said.
I feel closer to all of you, and thank you for the lessons.
I will not meet, yet somehow knew them, having heard their stories told.
It helps when you can shout it out, that they were here and very dear.
Comfort comes to those that can, share the tale with others.

This is not a closing, but to let you know that others care.
Please continue with the posts.

32

Rather then repost the whole post I made earlier, I will post a link to it http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=50667

Not a week passes by when I don’t read or see something that makes me think that I should tell Ruth this and it hurts to remember that she is no longer here. I miss you more then I thought possible.

Keith

33

Conrad-

Hi. It’s been about three months since Dad picked me up from Sarah’s house after the dance to take me and Rob home. He was quiet, and I figured that something was wrong. It thought that Matt’s cancer had gotten worse, or something like that, but I wasn’t ready to hear that you’d been killed, and especially not like that.
At first, I didn’t get it. Why you and the other two were out on the trestle when the train came through, but then I thought about you, and as morbid as this sounds, it made sense. Not in a bad way, though. All of a sudden, I got a mental picture of what the night must have looked like from on the bridge, and how gorgeous it would have been, and how much you loved nature.
Not that you weren’t a risk taker. Remember the time we came to visit you, and you took me up to that pond on the mountain to go swimming? You got me to jump off the rock into it, and it was one of my best memories of you.
Not that there weren’t many. It’s weird, at first I couldn’t remember much about us growing up, and then it all came back. The sleepovers at Grandads, where we made fart jokes and just were ourselves. The time that you were up here, and made me wake up early to go out and lay on my neighbors’ lawn, because it was grassy and you wanted to look at the sky. The time that we saw the snake up at Ross, and you threw a rock at it to scare it away. And especially your ghost stories.

I never got to see you, and say goodbye, and all that. The last time we were at Grandad’s, I didn’t talk to you nearly enough. I can’t even remember if I told you I loved you, and that makes me feel so terrible that I can’t stand it.

And now I’m crying, and that makes me feel worse because I just remembered that I haven’t cried once since I found out, and now it’s all just coming out, and I feel guilty.

I just never got to tell you that you were my hero, man. You could make anybody laugh at any time, and I idolized you my whole life. I’m sorry. I love you.

-Walt

34

The really sad thing is that I don’t miss you. But it’s hard to miss what you never had. I do very much miss and regret what we might have had. You decided to remove your presence from our lives when I was only a child. I never actually knew you. And now, going through all your things I find so much that is familiar. Books that you had that I have also, music I like that you listened to as well. Maybe sometimes in different places we were doing the same things. We would have had so very much to talk about but you wouldn’t let it happen and I’ll never know why. The only good that may have come from this is the lesson we’ve all learned. You can’t isolate yourself totally from the world, from people, no matter how much they hurt you. Your effect on others can be far-reaching and long-lasting though you don’t know it. This I’ll always remember.
Bye.

35

Abuelito,
I know that you were just my great uncle, and not really my grandfather, but to me you were always just abuelito. What can I say? I was young, I didn’t really know the difference. I guess what I regret most is that I never really got to know you, I was so young when you died, I didn’t understand what had happened until so much later. I wish I had been able to really appreciate you for the person you were, gotten to know you and learn about your life. But in the 5 short years of my life that I did know you, I loved you, I’ll never be able to forget you. I’m sorry for all the times that I interupted the chess games you played with my dad, all I ever wanted was to sit on your lap. I know my dad hated that you spoiled me so much in that way, but at least I always knew that you loved me. You used to marvel at how much I had grown each time you saw me, you’d be amazed at how much I’ve grown since then. I’ve become so much that you dreamed of for me. I’m going to a great school and getting good grades, maybe I’ll get a really nice job after college, just like you used to tell me about. I won’t be able to invite you to live in the house you said I’d buy but I just want you to know that you’ll always be welcome, wherever I go. I did keep up with the Spanish that you stressed so much, thank you for putting up with my tantrums when all I wanted was to speak English, you knew what you were doing. You were a wonderful, loving man that was taken away from us much too soon, I only wish I could have said good bye. I hope that you’re in heaven right now and know that I’m sending a prayer up there for you, because… Abuelito, te quiero tanto…

Kitty

36

Hey, Pop.

What I wouldn’t give for one more fishing trip.

Or another ancestor story.

You were the funniest person I’ve ever known.

I put your ashes in the Mississippi River–you know the place–your favorite fishing spot on the east shore of the island. Mike and Brad were there. Now, when we go fishing, they say, “Let’s go to Bob’s spot.”

Your grandson is growing up fast, and, thanks to your stories, he can recite the family tree back six generations…all the way to great-great-grandfather Ole in Norway.

You’re still my inspiration, Dad. Sometimes, when I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life, I think, “What would Dad do?”

You’ve always been right.

Thanks.

37

Mommy-

I can’t find the words to say what you meant to me.

No one EVER had a better mother, or a better friend. And I am not capable of expressing how very much I miss you.

You conducted your life with grace, love and dignity. I know that I would do well to follow your path. I am trying, mommy.

I love you more, mom, and you will always be my hero.

Cheri

38

Gods and Goddesses bless you all, and I hope your sleep tonight is peaceful. This thread has made me realize how truly luck I am. Thank you all for that.

39

Phobia…thanks for starting this thread and for allowing some of us to reflect back on people who touched our lives and for reminding all of us to remember the friends and family that are still with us how special they are.
I’d like to bump this up to give others an opportunity to post their thoughts.

BTW, it’s threads like this that keep me coming back to the SDMB’s.

40

In Memory of Craig 4/20/94 -1/18/99

I think about you every day. Even two years after your death I still get teary eyed.

::back story::

Craig is my nephew-my older sister’s second child.When her family lived in Illinois I took care of Craig and His older brother Chris during the day when their parents worked.I was their second mother. My brother-in-law was transferred to Utah and I thought I would never get over not seeing my boys every day.

I was wrong.

Six weeks to the day after they moved,Craig developed severe stomach pain. A MRI revealed a tumor the size of a grapefruit-neuroblastoma, a cancer that attacks immature nerve cells. When my mother told me I just fell in the floor-could not talk,breathe,think. Craig was three years old at the time.
Over fourteen months Craig and our family rode the cancer rollercoaster…The chemo worked and the tumor has shrunk! They operate and remove what’s left! Oh no now there’s two new tumors and cancerous cells in other places. And the whole time Craig was always his feisty,take no BS self.

I was flying out to Utah on average every 2 months to spend time with the family.

December 1998-the doctors finally admit there’s no more options. My sister and her husband decide to take Craig home. I was there with them and when I had to leave for the airport…giving Craig a hug and kiss goodbye-knowing that would be the last time I’d see him alive and trying not to cry in front of him…still tears my heart out remembering it.

The last day I spoke to Craig was X-Mas that year…I told him I loved him and he managed to say-it was hard for him to talk at this point-I love you Yaya ( his pronounciation of Tanya).

He died Jan 18 at he age of four. In his bed with his mom,dad and big brother holding him.

Craig…I miss you and your special spark EVERY DAY. I know you’re playing X-Men in heaven…you were the best Wolverine I ever saw. I still carry around that Gambit card you gave me-I look at it every day and think about you. I know you’ve visited me here before ( my favorite picture of Craig, Chris and me has wanderlust) and sometimes I feel your presence so strongly it takes my breath away.

I’m going to go have a good cry now.