In other fairy tale news

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

A girl was indefinately suspended from school today when she brought a lamb with her. “Pet’s are against the rules for this very reason.” Said a harried teacher as she tried to calm the students. The young girl, Mary last name unknown was heard yelling as she was ushered from the grounds “Wherever I am the lamb is sure to go!” This was proved out as the lamb followed her without prodding.

When questioned about the harsh punishment, the principal told FTN that Mary has repeatedly refused to leave the lamb at home. “There is no place in the school for a lamb. Today’s incident was the last in a long line of warnings. If she refuses to leave the lamb at home then she needs to find alternate school where it can come with her.”

Mary, the lamb and her family are planning on fighting the suspension.

*This week only at our Drury Lane location. Muffin Man has a special on hot cross buns. Day olds are 2 a penny, fresh are 1 a penny. For the best baked delights come to Muffin Man.

Pease porridge, just the thing to start your day. Serve any way you like. Hot, cold or nine days old. Part of a balanced breakfast.

Sukie and Polly’s Tea House Grand Opening. Why don’t you all come for tea?*

Police are warning everyone to lock their doors and set alarms after a series of break-ins. The culprit sneaks in while the family is out, sits in their chairs, sleeps in their beds and eats all their pease porridge! The only leads so far have been strands of golden hair found on the pillows. After the last break-in at the Three Bears the culprit was nearly caught. If anyone has any information about the goldilocks thief call 1-800-Rat-On-Me. If your tip leads to an arrest you can get a reward!

Tonight after the Fairy Tale News a new episode of Once Upon A Time will be airing. Will Ella be forever under her step-mother’s thumb? Will Charming ever find his princess? Find out tonight on the season finale of Once Upon A Time.

22

[music cue] BREAKING NEWS: Another prince has attempted to get past the rose thorn barrier protecting Sleeping Beauty. Let’s go to the scene.

[On scene reporter] "Thanks Peter. As you can see behind me a young Prince has decided to attempt the barrier to waken the sleeping princess. As you know, no one has managed to get through the barrier yet. Most of them end up hopelessly tangled and die gruesome deaths.

Oh apparently the Prince is approaching the rose hedge. Let’s see what he’s going to do now."

[Camera pans to the Prince and the barrier, reporter speaks in a hushed voice into his microphone]

“Well, it appears like he’s trying something new. No one thought to order all his entourage of peasants to work at chopping the hedge yet. On my… there goes the first peasant. A giant thorn in his side, that’s going to be hell to recover from. Oh there goes another! This Prince seems to be getting further than the others. He’s already made it a foot in but it appears the peasants are dropping like flies. Those roses aren’t going to give up the Princess anytime soon.”

[The peasants drop one by one dying horribly tangled up in the thorns. The Prince who’d followed closely starts to scream as thorny branches whip out and wrap around his wrists and ankles. He starts to scream as he is beginning to be pulled apart. The camera quickly turns away, back to the reporter and the screams continue behind.]

[On scene reporter]

“Well that’s that. I guess you prince’s won’t be getting through with that method.”

[The screams cut off and there is a wet meaty sound, the reporter turns and goes immediately pale stammering out.]

“Back to you Peter”

[Then runs off to the bushes to be ill. Camera returns back to Peter]

[Peter] We now return you to your regular programming.

23

Then join us tomorrow for a report on a man our Polly Flinders met as she was en route to St. Ives to cover a breaking story. The gentleman insisted on anonymity, as he is violating the law by being married to seven women at once. Polly believes that the heptagamist and his spouses are Communists, as each woman possesses seven sacks, each of which contain seven cats, each of which is the mother of a septet of kits. Meanwhile, our capitalist viewers are invited to compete for a mystery gold prize. To enter, just tell us how many were going to St. Ives during the encounter described above. Write your answer on a scroll, and have your local town crier deliver the entry to the News 3 pumpkin shell, formerly the home of Mrs. Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater…

24

Reporter: Diets. Everyone seems to be one one these days, but how do families manage their meals around them, when there are so many different fads? This is the kitchen of the Sprat family. Mr. and Mrs. Jack Sprat are both trying to slim down, and each has taken a different road to weight loss. Mr. Sprat, why don’t you tell us how you’re losing the weight?

Mr. Sprat: Raw food is really the only way to go. It’s organic, it’s clean and healthy, and it’s absolutely low-fat. My arteries are as clean as a whistle! No such thing as a fatty carrot, now, is there?

Reporter: Fascinating. But Mrs. Sprat, I understand you’re doing it a little differently?

Mrs. Sprat: Well, traditional diets never worked for me. I could cut out the sweets and the pasta, but I just couldn’t stand to abandon bacon. So when I found the Atkins diet, I knew it was for me! Fat, fat, and more fat! Bacon, ham, steaks, and all the creamy sauces I want!

Reporter: Goodness, the shopping must be quite difficult, with you on such different diets.

Mrs. Sprat: No, no, not at all. Between the two of us, we make one regular meal, and manage to lick the platter clean!

Reporter: That’s wonderful. Really an inspiring story. After the break, I’ll talk to Mr. Jack Horner, who’s struggling with his pie-related eating disorder.

25

Tonight’s schedule onThe Fairytale Lifetime Network:

7:00 PM-“Issues of Parenthood”-Mr. and Mrs. Thumb face the agony of a “differently-sized” child

8:00 PM-Movie of the Week–“Heart Adrift”-The bittersweet tale of a little mermaid and her quest for love across racial barriers.

10:00 PM-“Bad Medicine”-Tonight’s episode, “Malpractice”, takes an upclose and personal look at a woman, living in a shoe, who claims her doctor gave her ineffective contraceptive advice.

26

Today in court the case against Jack grew as the Giant testified as to the theft of a goose and a singing harp. The Giant’s testimony seems to have negated the effects of Jack’s testimony of the Giant saying “fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman” and his fears of being eaten. Jack was not able to present any evidence that the Giant was trying to do him harm.

Jack is also defending against a class action civil case brought on by his neighbors who claim that Jack damaged their property when his beanstock crashed down into their farms, ruining their crops and homes as well as killing multiple valuable livestock.

After the break we will have the King’s cook show us how to make blackbird pie without harming the birds nor having the birds defecate in the pie.

27

Dateline: The Black Forest

The ealier-reported recovery of two local children who had been lost in the woods took a chilling turn today as authorities took them into custody following a search of the nearby woodland cottage of a elderly witch.

The witch, who had resided in the cottage for several years, supplied specialty baked goods and candies to the village bakery. Authorities became alarmed when the local baker reported that she had missed two deliveries in the past week.

After searching the cottage, authorities immediately dispatched officers to take the two children (whose names are being withheld due to their status as juvenile offenders) into custody. Investigating detectives were seen taking impressions of bite marks upon the cottage shingles, presuably for comparison with dental records.

Officials confirm that the witch was found dead, but refused to comment upon the circumstances of the death. Rumours state that the witch’s body had been found in her own oven. Upon being asked whether the witch had been still alive at the time when she was locked into the oven, a pale-faced and obviously shaken detective would only comment “The situation in there is really Grimm.”

28

AMBER ALERT ISSUED!

Local authorities are asking for your help in finding a woman who was last seen fleeing the Palace Club in a late model Grand Chariot at roughly midnight last night. She was described as caucasian, 5 feet 4 inches, blonde, and a size 7 (womens) foot.

Eyewitness News reporter Blanky Blankman caught up with revelers who saw her at the club. . .

“She looked very happy, like maybe it was her first time out in years. . .or under the spell of something – probably Ectasy. She had these clear high heels on, so I figured she was probably a ‘dancer’, you know? I don’t know how she walked in those things.”

She possibly goes by Cindy or Sin-D according to those who met her at the club.

Please call 555-TIPS with any information you might have about her whereabouts.

29

Transvestite Wolf Arrested for Identity Theft and Attempted Murder

Earlier this morning, police arrested a Mr. B. Badwolf for the attempted eating of two women. Miss Riding-Hood, known as “Red” to her friends, had met with Badwolf on her way to Grandmother’s house, but was unaware that upon learning of her destination, Badwolf immediately set his sinister plan into motion. He had gone to Grandmother’s, arriving before Miss Riding-Hood, and assumed Grandmother’s identity. When Miss Riding-Hood arrived, Badwolf pretended to be Grandmother in an attempt to feast. Thanks to the intervention of a nearby woodsman, both women were left shaken, but unharmed and the wolf is now in jail, where he will likely be very popular as he was taken away still wearing the old woman’s clothing.

30

DOG TAKES STAND IN OWN DEFENSE

Today in the trial of Fairyland vs. Dog, Dog took to the stand in his own defense.

“Old Mother Hubbard started neglecting me, so I took matters into my own paws.”

Yesterday Mr. Paddywack gave his statement after cutting a deal with the DA in order not to be prosecuted for destroying state evidence. With immunity granted by the Queen of Hearts, he admitted that he “occasionally” handed out bones to the emaciated puppy. “They were the bones I bought from Foxy Loxy. I was trying to put Dog out of his misery.” Mr. Paddywack discontinued this “handout” when local animal rights activists threatened to tell the world that “knicking the knack on Mr. Paddywack” stands for “exactly what it implies”.

“When Mr. Paddywack stopped bringing bones by my house on his daily walk, I decided to find my own bones,” Dog said earlier. “The old lady in the shoe never could keep track of her children anyway.”

Closing arguments are scheduled for early tomorrow. There’s no saying how long the jury will be out on this one.

31

Local Girl Held in Home Invasion
Special to the New York Times

Goldie Locks, a 10 year old local girl, is being held by local authorities pending her trial for home invasion, trespass, and petit larceny in connection with an incident at the home of the Bear family.

“We got home from a walk and found this blonde girl asleep in our child’s bed,” reported Mrs. Bear, visibly shaken by the encounter with the girl. “I mean, she’s just laying there in Junior’s bed, sound asleep. Our chairs had been sat on, our son’s porridge eaten, and all of the beds messed up. What kind of civilization do we live in where a girl just thinks she can walk into your house and eat your food like that?”

According to local authorities, Miss Locks was taken into custody after a brief chase through the woods early yesterday afternoon. Upon being confronted by the police, she confessed to having sat in Poppa Bear’s chair, but found it too hard. Mama Bear’s chair proved too soft, but Baby Bear’s chair was “just right.” The girl, who reportedly had not had anything to eat (local social service agencies are currently searching for the girl’s parents) then proceeded to taste the Bear family’s porridge.

“Poppa Bear’s porridge was too hot,” local police reported, “And Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold. Apparently Baby Bear’s porridge was ‘just right,’ and was eaten in its entirety.” “The girl the appears to have gone upstairs to sleep off her rampage, and tried all of the beds in the bedroom. Again, she settled on Baby Bear’s bed and it is there that she was found when the Bear family returned from the woods.”

This is the latest in a series of increasingly common home invasions and trespasses in Storybookland, and police say that while they are investigating all possible angles, they are at a loss to describe the motivations of the village youth.

If convicted, Miss Locks faces up to 8 years in juvenile detention.

32

This just in…

A young boy known only as “Jack” has been admitted to Fairyland Burn Center with apparant third degree burns on his derriere. It seems he was taking part in some kind of initiation and was dared to be “nimble and quick” and jump over a candlestick. His condition is reported to be critical at this time.

33

(07-14) 15:47 PDT LONDON, Eng. (AP) – Humpty Dumpty, well-known egg-about-town, and close friend of the King, has died after a fall at the age of 41. Witnesses state that Dumpty fell, jumped or was pushed from a high wall, and could not be saved despite immediate treatment from all the King’s horses and all the King’s men. Results of a yolk-alcohol test were inconclusive.

Private funeral will take place in the King’s kitchen. “He was a good egg,” His Majesty was quoted as saying.

34

CAT ARRESTED FOR OGRICIDE, FRAUD

Fairlyand Realm (FNN) – Fairyland knights have taken into custody Puss N. Boots on murder and multiple fraud charges, plus related weapons charges. The charges arose from a routine background investigation of the Human master of the feline Boots, who was betrothed to one of the Realm’s princesses. Boots allegedly deceived authorities about his master’s peerage (or lack thereof), real estate, serf estate, and personal estate. Boots is also charged with killing an ogre who owned the aforementioned real and serf estate. If found guilty on all counts, Boots faces death by skinning. The princess’s nuptual plans are on hold, pending the resolution of the case and the continuing background check.

35

:smiley: :eek: :smiley: :eek: :eek: :smiley: :eek: :smiley: :eek:

RMFAAOTF!!

Rolling my f’ing 'ss all over the floor!!

36

Woman’s Remains Found In Giant Pumpkin - Husband Confesses

Mr. Peter Pumkineater has confessed to the murder of his wife and keeping her body in a giant pumkin shell. On learning that his wife intended to leave him for another man the suspect said he stuffed her in a pumkin shell, which as he told investigators, “kept her very well”. Mr. Pumkineater has been remanded to a state mental hospital for psychiatric evaluation.

37

tatatatatatatatatattatatatat—MOUSE UPDATE–tatatatatatatatatatat

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea–late breaking news in the mouse disfiguration case. A lawyer for the farmer’s wife maintains that contrary to the rodents’ claim of being innocent victims, they were in fact running up the clock inside the farmer’s house! The clock appears to have struck one, but the other two ran back down the clock, trying to escape. Film at eleven.

38

“Slaughterhouse Five, Cattle Zero”

{Ducks and runs}

Patty

39

Sleeping Disorder at Palace?

Rumour has it that all is not well at the palace, where more than a dozen mattresses were recently delivered. Deliverymen report that all the mattresses were delivered to a single room in the palace. More confusingly, one deliveryman confided that he had seen a palace cook lurking about the scene with a packet of frozen peas. Sounds like something kinky in the offing!

In other news, the Queen today anounded that her son the prince will soon be married to a princess of unusually delicate disposition. We can only hope that such a fragile femme will survive her wedding night!

40

Eccentric old woman faces child abuse charges

Mrs. Smith, commonly known as the Old Woman, was arrested today 51 counts of child abuse and neglect. Authorities say that the Shoe House, once a well respected orphanage, has fallen into a state of disrepair. The Old Woman allegedly fed the children nothing more than broth, then severly beat them when they complained. “I never beat them kids none, just gave ‘em a bit o paddle fer talkin’ back. And I woulda gave ‘em bread if I had any ta give, but there ain’t no money comin’ in these days,” said the Old Woman as she was escorted into the Fairyland Jail. Authorities have yet to determine the fate of the children of Shoe House, but Cinderella’s stepmother has been appointed as a temporary guardian.