Tonite, we bring you a special live report from our newest reporter, Alice, currently on location in Wonderland. Alice, tell us what you’re experiencing this exciting night!
Alice: This has been quite an amazing adventure, I must say!! The sudden dip of falling down the rabbit-hole was surreal! I was nearly in a pool of tears. But the real story here tonite is about a caucus-race and a long tale. It’s as if the rabbit sends in a little bill. Like they used to say, advice from a caterpillar. Would you agree? Well, pig and pepper, what a mad tea-party it is indeed. And tomorrow, we’ll all ajourn to the Queen’s croquet-ground, and hear of the mock turtle’s story and of the lobster quadrille. And certainly with the fine dining we’ll expect to ask “Who Stole the Tarts?”. (cheesy grin)
Well, that’s Alice’s Evidence. But really, it just feels like a dream.
Good nite.
“Is There a Serial Drug Pusher on the loose?”
When Ms. Snow White was somehow injected with an unknown chemical that made her fall into a deep sleep that could not be broken with the strongest amphetimines, police thought it might have been the work of a angry relative or even one of the seven men she lived with. We understand that “Doc” fell under heavy suspicion because, if he really IS a doctor, he would have easy access to such narcotics.
However, eyewitness news 7 has learned that a second such incident has taken place, this time at the home of an unknown beauty contestant who has become known locally as “The Sleeping Beauty.” Similar to Ms. White, this unfortunate woman has fallen into a deep, undisturbable sleep. It is now suspected, but not confirmed, that these two such indicidents are connected, and may be related to a local coven of witches operating in the area.
The Head of such a coven has stated that this is “just another attempt by fundamentalist Christians to portray those who worship the True Mother Goddess as being evil criminals. There is NO truth to the rumour.”
If you have any knowledge of another such incident, please contact the local authorities.
We’ve been Threadspotted! Quick, hide the magical pixie dust!
Eyebrows were raised at breakfast tables across the nation today as cereal eaters everywhere caught a glance of the latest offering in the “Have You Seen Me” missing children campaign.
On the left of the ad was a picture of the hand-carved wooden face of what appeared to be a young boy, with name Pinocchio.
On the right, some weatherd hunks of wood in a pile of moldy sawdust, with a note indicating computer-enhanced age-progression.
Digital Prognostications, the company responsible for age-progression photos used in the series of ads, stands by their results. A chief technician for the company is quoted as saying: “the original photo is obviously not one of your finer hardwoods. After a certain interval, you’re going to get termites and water damage, and the resulting photo indicates that clearly.”
The grief-stricken father, one Gepetto, himslef a carpenter, originally filed the missing persons report when his “son” failed to arrive home from his first day of school. According to police, the man was a well-known local crank whom the they were merely humoring. “The guy kept saying how he and his son would listen to the cricket singing”, says the deputy chief of police for the area. After a search of the man’s house by a drug-sniffing dog turned up nothing, the police took his report merely to get him on his way. Unfortunately, when a stack of reports were sent for inclusion in the missing children ad campaign, “Pinocchio”'s picture was accidentally included, resulting in today’s head-scratch-inducing cartons of milk.
Mr. Gepetto could not be reached for comment. A representative of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute in Falmouth, MA dismissed the reports of local fishermen that Gepetto had been swallowed by a whale named Monstro while searching for his wooden child: “Most whales are incapable of swallowing a human, despite their size, because their mouths are designed to filter out microscopic sea creatures. As for the remaining toothed whales, we usually give all whales names that sound more African or Native American. It gives us a better vibe. Monstro just sounds silly. I can’t take these reports at face value.”
Toad Sues Goats
Mister Toad has filed a lawsuit against the Billy Goats Gruff due to an incident that ocurred yesterday. He was celebrating the return of his Toad Hall estate with his friends Rat and Mole. The three were having a picnic on the banks of the river. Suddenly, a troll fell from the above bridge. The troll landed in the midst of the picnic, breaking Toad’s foot. Toad, Mole, and the unnamed troll became entangled in the picnic blanket and rolled into the river. Rat, heroically swam in to save his two friends. For those readers unacquainted with the peculiar biology of trolls, it should be noted that they dissolve in water. A troll may well have survived the fall, but immersion in the river was instantly fatal. The troll left no remains of any kind for the police to identify. Any one with information regarding this troll is urged to contact the police.
Toad was able to discover that the troll had been knocked off the bridge by one of the Billy Goats Gruff. Local police confirm that hoofprints found on the bridge are a match. Mister Toad has declared that the goats are responsible for the injuries caused by the troll and must pay damages. "It was terrible! One minute, we were having a splendid day in the country. The next, this great object comes hurtling out of the sky. Then, I feel a terrific pain in my foot. Before I can even shout, we're in the river. I am not a frog you know. I am a Toad, of noble pedigree! If I wish to go in the river, I shall do so in a suitably appointed yacht. Thank goodness for Rat! For a fellow of his breeding, he's really a good sort. In any event, my foot is broken. That means pain, suffering, and medical bills. My food is lost, a nice basket from the gourmet shop. And my pocketwatch is positively ruined! If some one throws a rock through your window and hits you in the head, they are held responsible. These nefarious goats threw a troll at me. I demand that they pay!" Mister Toad's solicitor has not yet been able to deliver the papers to the Goats.
“I found one. But he told me that he was the youngest and that any legal matters should be discussed with an older brother.”
Interspecies Marriage Decried
Legislators from both sides of the political spectrum have expressed outrage at the recent marriage between a pussycat and an owl.
“I don’t care if they did it offshore or in the middle of Manhattan, this is an abomination!” exclaimed Senator Frist ®, referring to the vessel in which the two departed. “And I’d like to see the turkey’s so-called credentials,” he added.
“This was clearly the result of crack-addled animals losing their grip on reality,” intoned Senator Kennedy. There should be a trade embargo placed against Bong Tree Island, or at the very least they should be required to share." “Did I say that out loud?”
A joint resolution was passed in the house asking the President to press for a constitutional amendment banning interspecie marriages. The ACLU was unavailable for comment.
BALTIC COAST HOVEL CHANGES TO CASTLE AND BACK AGAIN. VATICAN SHAKEUP CONTINUES. TALKING FLOUNDER SOUGHT.
Pomerania. A local fisherman, who lives with his wife in a wretched hovel, freed a large fish he had just caught after learning that the fish could speak. Upon being informed by his wife that he should have asked the fish, which was a sort of flounder, to grant him a wish, he returned to the place where he had caught the fish and called out to the fish, who promptly appeared.
Over the course of two days, at the prodding of his wife, the fisherman asked the fish to transform their house into a series of successively grander edifices, and during the same period, his wife progressed rapidly from the position of fishwife to King, Emperor, and Pope. Apparently exhausted and annoyed, however, the petulant flounder responded to the fisherman’s request to make his wife Emperor of the Sun And The Moon with a curt dismissal and changed their palace back into the wretched hovel it originally had been. Meanwhile, confusion prevailed at the Vatican following the doubly unprecedented occasion of a female Pope who had only a one-day reign, the shortest on record.
The flounder, who earlier had claimed he was a cursed prince, could not be reached for comment.
Following a story we broke earlier this week, the wolf, who was arrested for impersonating a grandmother and trying to eat her grandaughter, has been separated from the general prison population after mauling a prison gaurd. He has also been put on suicide watch. Officials started to worry when a gaurd asked the wolf why he needed such a strong rope. The wolf then replied “The better to hang myself with.”
Little Red Riding Hood attempted to sue the Wolf family for emotional distress. “Now whenever I look at my grandmother, I see the wolf,” she is stated to have said through tears.
The judge then threw out the case when it had come appearent that Miss Hood had been engaging the wolf in sexual practices. When questioned, Miss Hood replied, “My grandmother would not understand. There is no way she would accept the Wolf’s and my love. We’re just ‘to different,’ as she would say. So I made up a story. I am so sorry for all the pain I caused.”
We now go to Midget in a Bikini, who is outside the Wolf’s residence.
MiaB: Mr. Wolf, may I have a moment. What do you think of these recent developments.
Mrs. Wolf: WE HAVE NO SON!*
Mr. Wolf: We can’t believe our son would lower himself for that…lady. I mean, he was in a dress. He is dead to us. DEAD!
MiaB: There you have it. Another twist to this story. And as we can all see, this will not have a happy ending. Stay classy Fairy Tale Land. I’m a Midget in a Bikini.
*That is just a great line.
Tonight, on a very special episode of Extreme Makeover:
Watch as an ugly duckling almost magically transforms into a lovely and graceful swan-like creature!!
“I grew up in a large family, lots of brothers and sisters. Every one of them were very cute and close with each other. But not me. I was always left out. Nobody cared, they would just as soon shoot me as look at me. They used to gawk and call me names… they would say the cruelest things. Now, I say to them, just look at me! I’m beautiful!!”
Police broke up a Pixie Dust ring today after a years long hunt for the ring leaders. Under arrest are Peter Pan, Tinkerbell and the notorious Lost Boys gang. Kidnapping, the distribution of narcotics and production of hallucinogenics are among the charges laid.
“Pixie Dust is an incredibly strong hallucinogenic. One of the most common hallucinations attributed to it is thinking you can fly and travelling to another world. Users refer to that world Never-never land. I’m glad we’ve finally gotten the worst group off the streets. The Storybook Land police will continue to work to get these drugs off the streets and out of the hands of our children.” said Captain James Hook in a press conference earlier today outlining the bust.
Wendy, John and Michael Darling, who were kidnapped earlier this week by the gang have since returned home. Mr and Mrs. Darling have been advised to get a proper nanny, or watch the kids themselves. “A dog is not a proper nanny, no matter how well she does.” said a representative from child welfare. Nanna was unable to comment.
Flutterby, I hardly ever interrupt a thread to compliment an individual post, but I just gotta give props. VERY funny. “Pixie Dust ring”!! Ha!
bah must edit closer… “the production and distribution of hallucinogenics”
But thanks trublmakr grins I’m having fun with this. If I come up with more I’ll post them!
Dec. 25— Little Red Hen Farms has acquired a new holding: Jack Horner Pies, LTD. Mr. Horner was unable for comment due to the holiday, but Ms. Hen, CEO of LHR Enterprises and author of the bestselling “Not I! Said the Loser”, insists that the collaboration will benefit both parties. “He’s a good boy,” she said in a press conference. “We’ve got big numbers projected for those plum pies.”
However, an unnamed source tells us that Mr. Horner’s eagerness to sell was no doubt necessitated by the numerous fines levied by health inspectors. “He called it ‘taste testing’,” the source, a disgruntled former bakery employee said. “He’d come in to check out the line, and before you know it, his thumb’s going right into a pie. Then we can’t sell it, so he’ll take it, drag a chair into the corner, and just sit there for hours, eating and mumbling to himself.”
Police seek killer of last known Jabberwock
In a horrific crime that has sickened naturalists, environmentalists, and all PETA members, the last known member of the Jabberwock species (jabberwock lewiscarrolus) has been found murdered. The murder weapon was apparently a vorpal blade., famous for its “snicker-snack” sound. Ben Moses Hur, President of the local NSA (National Sword Association) denies this claim. “The sound might have been the killer himself, thinking of taking a candy bar break. Swords don’t kill jabberwocks, beamish boys do” Mr. Hur stated.
Not only was the poor creature murdered, but its was also found decapitated with his head missing. This may be the work of a local satanic cult.
A note was found under a Tumtum tree, close to the crime scene. The police are withholding its contents, but describe them as “partially nonsensical…obvious the work of a mentally ill person.”
An anonymous person who lives nearby the crime scene stated that he heard shouts of “Callooh! Callay!” Could this have been the killer?
The Jubjub bird and frumious Bandersnatch, last known members of their respective species, have been taken to an unknown location under heavy police security.
This just in: Local farmer Peter Piper has reported the theft of 8 quart jars of preserved bell peppers, which Piper had harvested and canned the previous day in preparation for the Mother Goose County Farmer’s Market. Citizens are urged to call the police if they have any information about the whereabouts of the peck of pickled peppers Peter Popper plicked.
Sorry–the peck of pickled peepers…
The pick of packled…
The pack…
Ah, screw it.
In what can only be described as a stunning upset, S. Tortoise beat Q. Hare in the 800-meter event at today’s Olympic trials. Hare, widely considered to be the runaway favorite, seemed to take his advantage for granted, stopping for naps several times during the course of the race. Tortoise’s unexpected performance in today’s race has led to allegations of doping. Further updates as events warrant.
Police Suspect Drug Involvement In InterSpecies Marriage
At a press conference today, police department spokesman MacGruff revealed that new evidence pointed to a large scale drug operation.
“We know that the suspects took a large amount of money, as well as honey which is a controlled substance in some parts of Fantasyland. We also believe them to be in possession of drug paraphenalia, including a runcible spoon”
MacGruff would not state how much money the Owl and Pussycat had. He specified only that it was “plenty.”
The Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestickmaker have also fled. MacGruff believes that they may also have been involved.
“The Butcher had storage facilities and precision scales. The Baker had processing facilities. The Candlestickmaker had the skills, tools, and materials necessary to produce runcible spoons, jars shaped like hives and baby bears, and other honey paraphenalia. All three had customers and a distribution network. The three men were last seen heading for international waters in a tub-like vessel.”
It seems that Chicken Little has been found murdered under suspicious circumstances. Ms. Little was the well known Sky Falling activist. She was found earlier today in an oven by her close friend Henny Penny. Ms. Penny says she saw Ms. Little leave the barnyard early morning accompanied by a large gentleman, brown hair, long tail, and pointy ears. This gentleman is believed to have been teasing Ms. Little and that she ended up a victim of fowl play.
A young boy (not named since he is a minor) is being charged under The Homeland Security Act for yelling “Wolves Must Die”. This young man violated Section CCXXIII.a.b.c.xyz.123 that states that yelling WMDs are a threat to national security. He is being charged with multiples WMD’s. There is some debate over whether WMD’s were real or if this was all just a hoax. The boy and leader of the country claim that there actually were wolves but the House, Senate and political analysts are claiming that the search for wolves in the area of this boy’s home has not turned up any even though there were at least 4 claims of WMD, so therefore the boy violated the anti-WMD laws.
The debate continues as to whether to charge this boy with reckless endangerment as well since his WMD pulled valuable resources that could have been used to hunt actual known cases of wolves. The surviving Three Little Pigs family is consulting a lawyer to start a civil case against this boy to obtain reparation since they contend that this boy pulled hunters into his area with his false claims of WMD when the hunters should have been protecting taxpaying homeowners.
Boy Charged With Hatespeech
The minor accused of crying “Wolves must die!” has had hatespeech and making terroristic threats added to the list of charges against him. The ADL ADL (AntiDefamation League Against Destroying Lupines) is calling for harsh punishment. “To many of our members, this is no idle threat. They remember feeling safe in the old country. Then, the squads of National Geographic rounded them up and tagged them. People say that the Nagees could never happen here. I say remember what complacency got the hare.”