I did something bad, so I thought I would come here and confess.
The other morning, a smoke detector in my house began beeping, indicating a low battery. So I popped the battery out and put it in my pocket so I could pick up the right size replacement on my way home from work.
Sometime during the day, I jumped up from my chair as if ejected. My pocket was very hot.
I am usually not this stupid. In fact, I knew exactly why you were not supposed to carry batteries like this. I had just forgotten.
The truly dumb part was tossing some coins into the same pocket. It was a 9 volt battery, the type with two terminals on the same end, and the coins had laid across them, bridging the curcuit.
Fortunately my pants did not burst into flame. I suppose it was because the battery was nearly dead.
After all the jokers had their day with me, I think the best line was, “Hey Andy, did you enjoy that Hot Pocket?”
What I hate is when I forget to change the batteries every day light savings time…then awake to a Chirp!
wait for it
chirp. Do you have ANY idea how nondirectional that noise is? and the duration is Juuuuust long enough so that the first few times it goes off, you dismiss it as your imagination. So you get smart and pull ALL the batteries out.
And the damn things keep chirping for another 40 minutes cause they’ve got a capacitor innem.
I have in my mind a picture of Andy wearing teeny little hot pants. Something like Liza in Cabaret only shorter.:eek: 
Well, I’ll tell you, I had minor surgery not long ago and they made me put on what they called anti-thrombosis socks. (If anyonce can explain what these are for, please let me know.) Anyway, these white stockings looked like the old-fashion nylons complete with a rubber sort of garter at the top. Putting these on freaked me out more than the idea of surgery.
Then I caught a look at myself in the mirror. White is not my color, but I’ve got to say, damn, I’ve got hot legs.
Not gonna shave them, though.
We’ll need documentary evidence, please.
To stop thrombosis.
Sorry. The hospital kept the socks.
Oughta smack the guano outta ya. 
How are those socks supposed to prevent blood clots – that’s what I don’t understand.
Andy, I did the exact same thing in college. Threw a spare 9v (for my calculator) in my pocket on my way to a physics exam. Keys were in there too. Big mistake. In the middle of the test it felt like someone dropped a hot coal on my thigh. Yow.