So I went to the bank this morning. The conversation I had there didn’t go as follows… but it might as well have done.
Me: Hello. I would like to increase my overdraft limit, please.
Them: …Yesssss… before we can do that, Mr Wright, we’ll need to be satisfied that you’re still in gainful employment.
Me: Is that a problem? I’m still employed as a Senior Developer for SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems Ltd, as I have been for nearly three years now.
Them: We can see from your spiffy Microsoft shoulder bag and your general air of leaden despondency that you’re employed, Mr Wright. It’s the gainful part that’s worrying us.
Me: … that’s sort of why I need the overdraft…
Them: I mean, it’s now the start of …?
Me: April.
Them: And you were last paid in …?
Me: Mid-February, yes, I know.
Them: And they haven’t been paying you regularly since …?
Me: Errr… last June, I think…
Them: So?
Me: It’s not my fault. SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems’ cost base rose to the point where they could no longer squander money on payroll, thanks to a combination of circumstances involving the dotcom crash, September 11, sunspot activity, malign astrological influences, and a financial plan that involved sending dud cheques to the Inland Revenue.
Them: I see. And are these malign astrological influences receding?
Me: Well, our cost base has been reduced substantially, by moving from the convenient Oxford offices to a converted abattoir in the arse end of nowhere…
Them: Uh-huh.
Me: And the overall cost of salaries to the company has gone down as developers, technicians, graphic designers and even some managers left…
Them: Go on.
Me: And, of course, the freeze on salaries is affecting everyone equally. Even upper management have been unable to afford any skiing holidays in Austria this year.
Them: Really?
Me: Well, not many skiing holidays, anyway.
Them: Fine. When do they propose to start paying you again?
Me: Erm, January. No, March. No, the start of April. Well, not the start, but the second week. Definite.
Them: Excellent!
Me: Well, probably definite. I may even get the whole of March’s salary, as well as the second half of February’s. My crazed Australian boss described this as “a nice little bonus”.
Them: And you described him as …?
Me: A scrofulous antipodean mooncalf. I shouldn’t have, he hasn’t been well. He broke his arm, you know?
Them: Really? How?
Me: Skiing. Look, about the overdraft…
Them: Yes. So, sometime next week, you’re going to get your salary as a Junior Developer…
Me: Senior.
Them: Don’t try to bullshit us, we know how much you make. When you make it.
Me: SyphiliticDonkeyRaping Systems doesn’t waste money on its technical staff. Not when there’s skiing to be done. Actually, as a Senior Developer, I’m quite well paid by their standards. I make nearly as much as an Assistant Manager at McDonald’s!
Them: Mr Wright, have you considered looking for another job?
Me: You mean, work part-time as a barman, like the other Senior Developer in my team?
Them: No. I mean, get a proper job. Where they pay you on time. That sort of thing.
Me: Yes. I am looking for another job. Incredible as that may sound. But it’s tough out in the technical jobs market, thanks to the dotcom crash, September 11th, sunspot activity and malign astrological influences.
Them: OK. I give up. How about we lend you enough money to get through to next week? Then, if the malign astrological influences don’t allow them to pay you again, we can renegotiate.
Me: Thanks. Oh, and could I have some of those little plastic cash bags? I was planning on rooting through the seat cushions for spare change this evening.
(Altogether too much of the above is true. Some names have been changed to protect the guilty.)