In which I muse about over-achievers....

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Is it a bad sign when somebody just can’t sit still long enough to do nothing?

I mean, with 4 or 5 major brands in the fire, does one really need to add random and annoying tasks to their schedule? Things that do nothing to help or simplify the already overwhelming feeling they are experiencing?

I mean if your schedule overwhelms you to tears at times, is it perhaps a sign that you need to slow the hell down and re-prioritize? Perhaps postpone some of the less than critical things.

Is the fact that a person doesn’t recognize this behaviour a character flaw? And if so, what is the root cause of this kind of behaviour?

The weekly meeting of armchair psychologists may come to order on the subject. Feel free to chime in.

2

It’s a sign that you’re not busy enough: who the hell has time to be overwhelmed by tears?

But seriously. While I don’t necessarily think it’s a character flaw, I don’t think it’s particularly healthy, either – mentally or physically. I have my weeks/months where I’m overwhelmed and completely stressed, but I couldn’t imagine living that way perpetually. I’d probably never get sick, though (I only get sick after periods of significant stress). :wink: My boss takes overachieving to an extreme, and I see her health suffer and her stress levels constantly topped out … it seems like she wouldn’t be able to function any other way, but I honestly don’t think she’s ever tried to find out.

I suspect that the root of such behaviour varies case to case. I have similar tendencies, but despite being a pretty instrospective person I haven’t felt the need to examine this side of myself. I’ve always just thought that I’m ambitious. Though at the same time, whenever I give myself “time off” and just work, I wind up bored/frustrated… ::shrug:: In some cases, I think that my opening line might be on the money: doing just a little doesn’t feel like enough, but you can’t find the point where you’re doing enough without feeling overwhelmed, so the response is to try to do so much that you don’t have time to feel overwhelmed.

Obviously some kind of middle ground is needed, but I think that how to go about finding it is different for everyone.

3

I get worn out thinking about the gazillion things I want to do, but lack the time/energy/money for. Shoot, I sit at work for eight hours thinking about what I’d rather be doing (work isn’t bad or evil, in fact it’s a great workplace, but it’s still work) – and then I go home, make dinner, do minimal housework, and for some reason I can’t make my ass move from the couch to start on at least one of the things I’ve been fantasizing about doing all day.

So I’m the anti-overachiever. In my head, I know I’m capable of a whole lot more. Hell, I feel guilty for not doing more!

(In my defense, I just graduated with my B.A. in English Literature after 6 grueling years of working multiple jobs 60-80 hrs/week in addition to study and school work…I’m 23 and burned out.)

So who wants to sit on the couch and slack with me a little? Anyone? We could eat popcorn and flip through home deorating project books that we know we’re not getting around to any time soon! :smiley:

And can anyone tell me if this post-baccalaureate complete lack of energy will wear off by the time I start grad school next January?

4

I think overachieving, Type-A personalities are in fact, insane, and we shouldn’t allow insane people to run anything. Many, if not most, of us non-Type-A, non-overachieving folks’ lives are made much more stressful and difficult by these folks, causing stress, poor health, etc. I say let them go have their own island of stress, hubris, insanity, poor health, etc, and let the rest of the world live happily ever after.

…and things will get done anyway, in good time…

5

Weekly meeting of armchair psychologists? Cool!

My take on people like those mentioned in the OP is that it is caused by two things. The first possibility is that they are not comfortable with themselves and their own thoughts. They have to keep moving, because when they stop, they might start thinking, and they might get to know themselves better, and that’s pretty scary for some people.

The second possibility is that they might be so busy because they’re martyrs. No one will feel sorry for you if you don’t do everything for everybody, you know. Heavy sigh. If you say no to some stuff, then you don’t get to walk around with the world on your shoulders. Again, not coming from a healthy place.

6

I’m an ex-overachiever. I had four majors in college (astronomy, physics, math, and computer science) and graduated with three degrees in five years.

Why did I do it? Several reasons.

I thought being lazy was one of the worst things you could be. I thought that, if what you really want is to sit around and slack rather than doing something useful, it’s because you’re a bad person (Note: I do not believe this now). But, looking back, that is what I really wanted to do, and I filled up my schedule to keep myself from thinking about that.

I also wanted to be assured of a job when I got out, because I hate hate hate hate job searching, and am not good at making a good impression on people. So, if I had really stellar academic credentials, maybe employers would be willing to overlook my lack of skills at first impressions (This has actually worked, so far).

Get OUT of my head! Out!

I stopped being an overachiever for pretty much the same reason.

Eh- maybe there’s something good on the Tivo that we can watch instead. My underachieving extends to home decorating and housekeeping as well. In fact, it always has- my dorm room was a horrible mess even during my overachieving college years.

Ummm, maybe your experience will be better than mine. Mine never did really wear off, and I ended up leaving grad school with my master’s instead of getting a Ph.D. But then I discovered that life outside of academia wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be- I don’t have to wear a suit to work like I was afraid I might. And there are perks- that whole non-grad-student salary thing is pretty nice…

But I still do feel inferior to people with Ph.D’s :frowning:

7

Can we start a club? I left grad school with a master’s instead of the Ph.D. too. And I feel like the people who actually completed their Ph.D.s from my department look down on me for leaving.

And I think I still have about as much stress now as I did when I was in school. :frowning:

8

I’d like to preface this by saying I don’t think every overachiever is a martyr. But man, in my time I’ve met people who burn the candle at both ends AND NEVER STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT.

Okay, we get it, you have too much to do. Shut up!

Thankfully this isn’t a large group of people, at least in my circle of acquaintances.

9

You’ve just described my ex-wife (whom I’ve slept with!) with both these paragraphs. And I wasn’t even thinking about her specifically when I wrote the OP.

My fear is that I’ve got a sick and twisted attraction to this kind of person. Perhaps I’m the one who needs the help. :smack:

10

Those of us who don’t complain about it benefit, too- it gives us an excuse to not do things we don’t want to do. Even better, it lets us think that we don’t do some things because we’re so busy, so we never have to ask ourselves if we would do those things or not if we weren’t so busy. I avoided housecleaning and dating in college that way. I didn’t have to think about whether I would have a cleaner room if I weren’t so busy, or about the miserable failures that most of my attempts at dating were.

I do, too. Though I’ll take ex-overachievers as well. I realized recently that I am attracted to people like that, and I’m not able to be attracted to someone who has never in their life been an overachiever. I’m so incredibly glad I’m married, and don’t have to care who I might be attracted to anymore…

We should start a club- what field were you in? I was an astronomer. Someone with just a master’s in astronomy is fairly rare, and usually has a story like mine.

I look down on myself for leaving. I don’t know if anyone else does or not, but I suspect they do.

11

An Arky & featherlou describe what I’ve seen in these freaks.

My estranged is an overachiever. Why? Two words: Alcoholic Parents. There’s a bit of philosophy about children of alcoholics that suggests the eforts required to get any approval from the alcoholic is astronomical. Positive attention is eventually sought where it can be found–teachers, neighbors, the first guy that comes along. The individual makes astronomical efforts to maintain the positive responses by which many of us measure our worth as people. Still, the drunk at home can not recognize the kid’s efforts and so self esteem fails to blossom, resulting in even greater efforts outside the home. It becomes a way of life. Into adulthood the child of the alcoholic continues to measure self worth based on exterior rewards, valuing introspective self-realization far less because of an eroded self-esteem: what does her opinion of her own efforts matter? She’s nobody important!

This same quality will destroy a marriage if unchecked. Because the spouse is required, by the nature of the role of being a spouse, to heap praises and affirm the attractiveness and worthiness of the drunkspawn. The comments and overtures will thus fall on deaf ears, and any positive equivalent coming from someone not bound by spousal obligation will be received as genuine. Bad things will almost certainly ensue.

So eventually, close interpersonal relationships crumble due to the distrust of anyone who might have an obligation coddle to the feelings of the drunkspawn. Everybody is seen as being patronizing, they confer success out of pity rather than merit, etc. And the prophesy of abandonment contines, self-fulfilled. Always the abandoned victim, she continues to work ever harder, staying ever busier, eating ever more stress. Because the world done did her wrong, despite all she’s done for others.

12

The above is a bit harsh and judgemental against the real victim: the child of the alcoholic. Sorry, I can’t help that. I’m a sociapath unhappily involved with a drunkspawn.

13

I hope this isn’t about the Elise driver…

I don’t know where you and the ex-wife met (Canada?), but unfortunately you’re in a part of the U.S. that attracts a lot of overachievers: DC is a “power” area, and it extends into Maryland and Virginia.

14

I wouldn’t describe someone who can’t sit still as an over-achiever. What you’re describing is someone who can’t multi-task, who can’t complete a job, who can’t prioritize their tasks…the exact opposite of an over-achiever, IMHO.

To me, an OA is someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty. Ask them to bring dessert to a party, and they’ll bring a cake made from scratch, hand decorated, with co-ordinating ice cream and paper plates. Ask them to compile some data, they’ll cross-reference it with other data and sort it sixteen different ways so you can see it alphabetically, numerically, etc.

I don’t think OA is necessarily bad, when driven by a desire to show what you can do and earn more responsibility. If you’re doing it to show off and gain praise, that’s fine, but ultimately OAing should lead to bigger and better things, or it’s just extra work for no purpose.

15

My estranged has done both of these things. At least annually it seems. For close to 10 years. It’s all perfectly normal to her, and anything less is irresponsibly lazy.

16

I was sooooooo guilty of that in high school. I was largely supporting myself financially, so when everyone else got to go out and party, I felt the need to complain about having to go to work. But by college I was overachieving by choice, not so much necessity, and because I felt so empowered I didn’t complain nearly as much. Plus, somebody took me aside and told me it was really, really annoying. :wink:

Sorry! Leaving now! Really though, I had just one major and gave up on the idea of the minor after taking only a few classes. It was the 16 hour workdays that really killed me. Four majors? Girl, you CRAZY. :smiley: Ok, so we watch Tivo, but do you mind if I work on that crochet project I started 6 months ago? I can crochet without looking, I swear (don’t hurt me…)

As for grad school, it’s a Masters program that I should be able to complete in 3 years part time. Additionally, many of the classes are offered completely online or online/lecture combination, so I don’t have to stress about driving to campus every day!

Back to musing…I have a super overachiever friend ATM who sews, cooks, does glass etching, makes candles, scrapbooks from scratch (makes the book itself), decorates, waxes (our body hair, saves $ at the salon!), does hairdressing, crochets, is teaching herself to embroider and is working on her Latin and French while maintaining a 3.7 GPA as a double major in English and History on top of her 30 hr/week tutoring job.

whew

I don’t know how the *#@#(&$ she does it, but as I get to know her more and more, I learn that she keeps herself busy to the point of exhaustion to distract herself from a myriad of emotional problems. If she’s not working at earning praise from others, she’s sitting down – and crying, feeling alone. In fact, I think all her work is out of sheer fear of being physically (and emotionally) alone at any given point during the day. I’m sure nights are bad for her.

17

This

And this

describe the aforementioned friend to a “T.” I think she does what she does to earn praise from her friends to have any sort of self-worth, and also to not feel “alone” ('cause lord knows she’s making me dependent on her for this absolutely ORGASMIC berry flambe dessert she makes…). She knows she needs to slow down, and we’ve been working on her building her self epowerment/inner Amazon Warrior Goddess while weaning her off the ex-boyfriend (who is in a position much like Inigo Montoya’s).

18

OK, I’m fine with other people doing crafts, but I’d manage to get my hair, pants, and probably shoes integrated into it if I tried to do it.

If you work enough, you pretty much fall asleep instantly when you get into bed, and don’t have to worry about things like that. I speak from experience, unfortunately.

19

I don’t know.

I always find myself with too many things on my plate. I attribute this to wanting to do them all, and only finding out later, past when I can back out, that I may not have actually had time.

I know I complain a lot (sorry, scout!) but I’m always happy with what I’m doing deep down.
…

Except for tonight, when I am studiously avoiding studying for two tests and grading 90 papers.

20

I think the way you figure out whether being really busy and doing lots of things is pathological or not is by asking how does the person doing too much feel when they STOP doing it? Are they super-busy by choice, because they have a ton of energy and drive, or because they’re afraid to slow down? It sounds like you’re doing good things with your friend, Yamir, working with her to learn to love herself.