In which Ivylass pits her father-in-law

The BBQ Pit
1

Some of you may have been following this thread, in which I talked about my father-in-law’s recent admission into the hospital.

He was scheduled to have tests done Saturday evening around 6, so we were surprised to receive a call from a him about twenty to eight, saying he was home from the hospital.

They found three spots on his lungs and say it’s cancer. Several years ago he had colon cancer, of a type they called a “wild” cancer, in that it can spread.

The doctors have given him six months to live.

I am very upset, not only for myself but also for Ivylad and our children, who adore him. But I find myself experiencing another emotion.

Fury.

I pit you, dad, for giving up. The man is still smoking, and has already discussed with mom selling the house and the car, to make her life simpler. Lots of things can happen in six months. Mom’s brother’s wife was given three months to live seven years ago. Dammit, she fought. She got through chemo and even went back to work. She’s weaker now, but she gave her husband and her children another seven precious years.

So why the hell do you think you can just sit back, puffing on those damn cigarettes, and start telling mom what she should do? Why aren’t you fighting for life? You were in the Air Force, you decrypted intercepted messages, and you were a police officer. You love trains and the Ohio State Buckeyes. Opening and operating a pub in Scotland would be your absolute dream come true. You like to go to garage sales with Mom, and selling your finds on E-bay.

Let me tell you, Dad, it’s not about just you anymore. It’s about six grandchildren. It’s about a wife who just retired a year and a half ago and the traveling you have yet to do. It’s about three grown children and their respective spouses. You don’t get to give up, dammit! We still need you. You need to see your eldest grandchild graduate from high school in about four years. You need to dance at your youngest granddaughter’s wedding. You don’t get to give up just because the doctors said “six months.”

The part that really scares me is that I’ve never had a close family member die. I don’t know how to help Ivylad, and I don’t know what to do in the face of his father apparently resigning himself to the fact that he’s not going to be around to see another Ohio State game. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to fight.

I’m sorry, I can’t type anymore.

2

{{{ivylass}}}

I really don’t know what to say, and I doubt that there’s anything I can do to make you feel better. I’ll be thinking of you, and your father-in-law. Remember to take it easy, if you can.

3

I am so sorry Ivylass.

4

Has he been given any treatment options?

5

My father fought for a long time against his disease, but frankly it made no difference in the outcome. He found a tremendous amount of peace and calm after accepting his fate. He needed it to cope with his difficult end.

My mother had died just a few years earlier. He left behind me, my wife and our two kids, both pre-teens. It was hardest on us after his death, but he was so miserable clinging to life for our sakes.

My sympathy.

6

ivylass, maybe things will change and he’ll start to fight. I think I can understand how you feel, but it’s his life, and death, for that matter.

That being said, I’m so sorry for all of you. Whether he really has six months, or seven years, it’ NEVER easy to lose someone, I will be thinking of all of you, and hope you all find the life you need and want.

7

My sympathies and I know where you are coming from. My wife was diagnosed last March with recurrant thymoma. The statistics for stage 4a on 5 year survival are less than 25% and the 10 year survival rate is shown as “NA.”
For nine months now she has had biopsies and CT scans, X-Rays and heavy chemo-therapy. She’s bald and has a sort of “Auschwitz” look from losing over 30% of her body weight. No sleep, enormous bruises on her body, incontinent; her life is a torture and a living hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Despite all of this, she has stepped up to each new medical indignity and gave it her best shot. I am in awe of her courage and certain that I could never be so brave for so long.

She has almost had enough though. Two days ago she told me “You will have to let me go soon.” She is only staying for the sake of the family as her own life is a misery and torture to her with no end in sight.

Regards and all the best to you and yours.

Testy

8

Ivylass can your father in laws parish priest, minister, rabbi, mullah talk to him about not giving up?

The other big question to ask is can he get a second opinion?

You and your family continue to be in my prayers

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Ivylass can your father in law’s parish priest, minister, rabbi, mullah talk to him about not giving up?

The other big question to ask is can he get a second opinion?

You and your family continue to be in my prayers

10

He’s not religious, reep, so that’s not an option.

They have more appointments to make with the doctors. I’m all for making sure your will is up to date and such, but there is a difference between being prepared and simply giving up.

11

Ivylass, you need to talk to him. This isn’t like he’s being handed a pistol with one bullet and is being asked politely to do the honorable thing. There’s nothing honorable about cancer: It cheats, it steals, it lies…its about the closest thing to pure evil that I can name. Make sure that you tell him that its alright to be scared…but you need to tell him and show him that you still need him. He needs to know that there’s going to be someone in his corner day after day and round after round to inspire him to beat the hell out of this evil disease. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Ivylass.

12

Ivylass:

Once the cancer spreads, all bets are off.

My father died the seek before Thanksgiving from cancer. Without going into details, it wasn’t the cancer that killed him, per se, it was the harsh chemo which also stole any quality of life he might have had. My father would have been better off spending his last weeks on vacation, enjoying himself, though I have to say I don’t know how much pain he was in. I also spent time being angry at my father, but decided that that way of thinking was destructive. You should support him any way you can.

If the diagnosis is that bad, he should enjoy all quality of life he has left. I wish my father had had the foresight to get his affairs in order.

13

I am so very, very sorry.

Thinking of you and your family.

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I will talk to him, but I think Ivylad will be more effective in that regard. He survived chemo before, when he had colon cancer, and a quadruple heart bypass.

I don’t know how much pain he’s in. He’s very old school, and Men Don’t Cry and Whine, that sort of thing.

We’ll see what options he has, then we will love him as much as we can for as long as we can.

And I guess that’s all any of us can hope for.

Thanks to everyone for their kind thoughts.

15

I’m very, very sorry for you and your family ivylass.
I wish you strength in the future to come.

also, here is a hug for {{{{{{Testy}}}}}}.

16

Ivylass, I’m so sorry.

My mom died of colon cancer. She fought it for 3 years, through chemo and surgery, including being in the hospital just before or just after Christmas 3 years in a row. Anytime cancer is involved, life gets difficult and complicated. And painful.

Best wishes to you all.

17

Ivylass, wishing your family the best. Watching someone die is no fun. Been there, done that. Don’t wish it on anyone.

Testy, your wife sounds incredibly brave. Wishing you all courage to face what’s coming and the serenity to accept what you cannot change.

18

Thank you, you are very kind. I didn’t mean to hijack Ivylass’s thread but I do understand her FIL’s attitude. Beating cancer once is great but when it returns there is a certain sense of inevitability about things.

Best regards

Testy

19

Thank you. My wife is truly brave. I would have rolled over and given up long ago. Serenity is something my wife gives me, she is Buddhist and that seems to help a lot.
I’m preparing a place in the mountains of Thailand for when things get too bad. Hopefully, she will find peace there, gardens and flowers and a view over the mountains.

Best regards

Testy

20

Hugs to both Ivylass and Testy.

I really can’t offer much but support. Ivylass, I suspect your FIL is in a fair bit of shock just now. Even if he had a feeling he knew what was wrong, the confirmation had to have been a blow. Give him a little time to absorb it. He may rally and fight his butt off after he gets a chance to get good and mad at the cancer himself.

Testy, I haven’t lost a husband, but I’ve watched several people I really cared about all die from long illnesses. Just love your wife as long and as best you can. Being there for her will be the best thing for both of you. Trust me, when you look back on this time, you won’t have anything to regret. You sound like a helluva guy.