In which Michael asks for comments on a literary work in progress

(NOTE TO THE MODS: If this is the wrong forum for this sort of thing, feel free to move it. I posted it here because I think it’s literature. But since I’m the author, I would think that, wouldn’t I?)

Lately I’ve decided to write a work of fiction. It will probably end up being somewhere around 100 pages by the time I finish it, if I ever finish it, since I have the attention span of a PCP addicted gnat with regards to finishing things I start.

Anyway, I thought I’d post the first parts of it here and see how it goes down with those of you who actually write professionally, or who at least have an eye for the written word.

That last sentance came out much more pompously than I intended it to.

The basic story revolves around a young man named Kevin (who is more or less a slightly less bright version of myself.) Kevin has been assigned by a generic secret organization to protect an actress from the hoardes of evil undead zombies that unobtrusively populate certain areas of California. Kevin also has to deal with a psychotic ex-girlfriend who shouldn’t exist, because Kevin has never actually had a girlfriend.[sub]1[/sub]

The concept is sort of a mix of the Evil Dead films, a parody of Hollywood (what an original idea!), and various bits of Douglas Adams’ stories with a bit of Lovecraft thrown in for good measure.

[sub]1: The ex-girlfriend exists because of a temporal anomaly of the sort that always seem to feature in stories like this. If you read Douglas Adams’ Mostly Harmless, you’ll be familar with the concept I’m referring to. I hope.[/sub]
Anyway, here’s a chunk of the beginning of the story.

First thought: dump the opening paragraphs in which a series of actions turns out to be a movie being filmed. This cliche has been done to death, typically in TV shows that open with the hero getting into an extended gun battle/car chase (with lots of camera cuts, strangely) before the director yells “Cut!” It’s up there on the stupidity chart with stories that end with “…and it was all a dream.”

…“They were mixed in with signals from the pain receptors in his shoulder.” ?? Why not “The Solar System continued on its galactic orbit unabated.” ?

Souped-up verbiage may work for the Coneheads, but it just gets in the way of a written work.

Incidentally, Sally Forth is the name of a comic strip. Pun character names are dangerous ground. The joke is short-lived and odds are someone has beaten you to it.

If you’re going to throw in irony, you can trust that your audience will “get it”. Belaboring the point (as the last sentence does) is condescending and unnecessary.

I’ll resume the savaging later on. To be honest, your work is tiring to read, with excessive amounts of detail on things that you may believe are mundane and funny, but are actually just mundane.

The story suffers from a large amount of infodump (see The Turkey City Lexicon for a definition the terms I’m using). There are just too many paragraphs of exposition with nothing happening. It would work much better if you didn’t spend so much time giving background to the audence, and just let them know what’s happening a bit of a time.

Your dialog also suffers from “Said” Bookisms. Use “said” in preference to other speech tags.

There are also point of view problems. You switch from Kevin’s thoughts to Carol’s in the middle of a conversation, which makes for awkward reading.

Best bet – cut the opening section up until he meets Carol. Add a smattering of background (rule of thumb – no more than three sentences at a time) to the scene, and keep to a single Point of view. Also read the Turkey City Lexicon.

BTW, 100 pages is a very difficult length to sell. Using 12 point Courier (standard for manuscripts), that’s only about 25,000 words – long for a short story, and extremely short for a novel (generally, they want 80,000 words nowadays – about 400 pages).

You also may want to check out the writing advice at the SFWA website.

Keep writing.

Thought I’d bump this as I was hoping for more than two replies.

Oh well.