In which my 3 year-old son asks "why does my pee-pee have balls?"

And of course, as a hip, up to the minute, with it-type father that I am, I replied, “What?”

So he asked again, “Why does my pee-pee have balls?”

Well, since he was standing in front of the toilet at the time, and squeezing the bloodly life out of said balls, I felt a succinct answer would best suit all our needs.

“Um…well…,” I succinctly said.

“OK”, my brain said, “time to get to work. Now where did I leave my clipboard? I know it’s around here somewhere…where is it, where o’ where? WHERE IS MY STINKING CLIPBOARD?!”

Coy Jr. was now performing a Betty Crocker knead on his poor balls. Stupid useless brain!

“Jr., please stop squeezing them. You’re making me cringe,” I said, cringing.

That, of course, made him laugh and really start to work those puppies. Criminy, my toes were curling just watching it. “But why are they there?”

Time to assert some authority, I thought. I poked my head out the bathroom door - was the wife around? Nope. Damn. She must be taking care of the baby somewhere. Can I get no help here? Like a 6 month-old can’t occupy herself for a bit. Just give her the gallon-jug of milk and get up here already! I’m dying!

OK, Jr. is staring at me. Still waiting for an answer. Possibilities: Why does a Christmas tree have balls, son? Because they’re nice to look at, right? No, that probably won’t work.

How about this: Well, when you get older, they’ll go to work and possibly get you into more trouble than you can imagine. Fatherhood, paternity suits, hell, maybe you’ll grow up and be an NBA player. Nope, that’s a slippery slope. Don’t need start the sex talk yet. Where the hell is the wife?!

Still. Staring.

Hey, the brain’s back online. Must have found the clipboard. “Well, son. God gave you those balls for a very important purpose. You see, it’s a little known fact that when Adam gave Eve a rib, Eve had to give something back. So since they were right by that apple tree, she gave Adam two apple seeds. Of course, Adam swallowed them and they immediately dropped down his throat, through his stomach and right into his, well, pee-pee area. Now, they would grow into apple trees, but they really don’t get enough sun down there, so they just grow a little bit. So that’s why they’re there.”

Christ, the brain does NOT have the clipboard. That may be the most positively stupid thing I’ve ever uttered.

Plus I’m going to Hell.

Jr. nods. “Yeah, I thought is was something like that.”

Well, well…another potential crisis headed off by sound parenting techniques. He may be warped emotionally and mentally, but at least he stopped kneaded his poor little sack.

God, that made me cringe too. And BAHAHAHA! Nice ad lib!

Does this mean his pee-pee is the serpent?

Can’t wait to hear why Eve has boobies.

Adam: “Hey, babe, care for some canteloupe?”

So, when he reaches puberty and starts having “nocturnal urges” he’ll be what? Johnny Appleseed??

That OP was the funniest thing I have read this week! My three year old hasn’t found his balls yet, but now we can’t wait! I made his daddy read that post, because I couldn’t tell him about it through my tears!

So, why didn’t the truth ever occur to you?

It looks like fighting ignorance is OK on-line but not in your own bathroom.

Think about it.

Well, thanks for the input.

I find that humorous situations are sometimes funnier when exaggerated, especially in writing. As an example, my brain never did ACTUALLY drop the clipboard, as my brain has no clipboard. Some of the other occurances may not have happened exactly as written. Lighten up. After I had my fun, I did, in fact, tell my son what his balls were for (well, in 3 year-old terms anyway and from what little I could remember from Human Sexuality 201, held in Kane Hall 130, back in the year of 1986).

Thanks again. All negative comments are appreciated, then tossed in the garbage.

All positive comments are posted on the clipboard in my brain so I can fawn over them later.

How about, “You have them because you’re a boy.”

I’m sorry, but that’s the FUNNIEST thing I’ve ever heard in a long time.

Just wait until Jr asks you if he can take the seeds out and plant them in the garden. :smiley:

Well, thank you.

If you had made it clear that you had in fact eventually told the kid the truth I never would have replied to your post.

Why was I supposed to assume that you had when you said you hadn’t.

I got the humor of your mind churning when these questions come out of the blue and found it funny. So why did you have to spoil the joke and end the story with you misinforming him?

I am laughing out loud and had to tell my co-worker why… This is hilarious!
Great writting coyasicanbe! Great follow ups too!

Jeez Degrance, get off of the guy. As the mother of a three year old, I know that any reasoned explanation of the male reproductive system would go over my son’s head. “They are for when you grow up” sounds kinda silly to a kid!

Of course, you can say “because you’re a boy” but that’s kind of like “because I said so” in terms of “no real answer.”

Our kids catch us off guard all the time, and most of the time it’s funny. If you didn’t get that from reading the OP, fine, I guess, but lighten up.


Note that I did not see Degrance’s follow up post, as preview is not my friend. I still think you’re overanalyzing a funny OP, though.

…out of the mouths of babes…

My 3 yr old son almost caused me to bust one of my “apple seeds” the other day.

I had to use the bathroom when I got home Tuesday, and my son followed me in, he watched me, and exclaimed “Daddy! You’re peeing like a big boy!” He watched, his little head perilously close to the stream, and it was all I could do to keep it from hitting him in the eye. His face suddenly brightened even more than it had been already, and he said “What a great idea!” like it was the most spectacular thing he had ever seen.

I had to stop mid stream to avoid getting it all over the place as I laughed.

this. This. THIS is why I shall never be a parent. Funny, yes, but the fact that a tyke can send the brain of an otherwise intelligent (sometimes exceptionally so) person skittering around for a clipboard to come up with an answer to what is, for an adult, something so obvious as to never be considered, is too darn creepy.

Give me my dog any day. She makes me laugh at her goofiness, but I never have to explain anything to her.

Hyberbole? Because it added another layer of obvious humor to the story?

My son asked the same thing when he was about 3 and before I could answer he said “I know, I know!! I swallowed marbles!” and that was the end of that…as far as actually telling a 3 yo the “truth”, it would be WAY over most 3 yo’s heads, really. There is such a thing as too much information. I have taught my boys to call it a penis, no cutesy names, I fear they will have their first sexual encounter and refer to it as “wee-wee” or “dinky”…Margo

OMG, I’m dying! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Laughing so hard I’m crying! HAHAHABWAHAHAHA!!!:stuck_out_tongue:

I’ve actually seen a little boy in my class (Also three) doing the same thing with his “seeds.” Made me cringe, too- and I’m a girl.

Are you still in Seattle?