And of course, as a hip, up to the minute, with it-type father that I am, I replied, “What?”
So he asked again, “Why does my pee-pee have balls?”
Well, since he was standing in front of the toilet at the time, and squeezing the bloodly life out of said balls, I felt a succinct answer would best suit all our needs.
“Um…well…,” I succinctly said.
“OK”, my brain said, “time to get to work. Now where did I leave my clipboard? I know it’s around here somewhere…where is it, where o’ where? WHERE IS MY STINKING CLIPBOARD?!”
Coy Jr. was now performing a Betty Crocker knead on his poor balls. Stupid useless brain!
“Jr., please stop squeezing them. You’re making me cringe,” I said, cringing.
That, of course, made him laugh and really start to work those puppies. Criminy, my toes were curling just watching it. “But why are they there?”
Time to assert some authority, I thought. I poked my head out the bathroom door - was the wife around? Nope. Damn. She must be taking care of the baby somewhere. Can I get no help here? Like a 6 month-old can’t occupy herself for a bit. Just give her the gallon-jug of milk and get up here already! I’m dying!
OK, Jr. is staring at me. Still waiting for an answer. Possibilities: Why does a Christmas tree have balls, son? Because they’re nice to look at, right? No, that probably won’t work.
How about this: Well, when you get older, they’ll go to work and possibly get you into more trouble than you can imagine. Fatherhood, paternity suits, hell, maybe you’ll grow up and be an NBA player. Nope, that’s a slippery slope. Don’t need start the sex talk yet. Where the hell is the wife?!
Still. Staring.
Hey, the brain’s back online. Must have found the clipboard. “Well, son. God gave you those balls for a very important purpose. You see, it’s a little known fact that when Adam gave Eve a rib, Eve had to give something back. So since they were right by that apple tree, she gave Adam two apple seeds. Of course, Adam swallowed them and they immediately dropped down his throat, through his stomach and right into his, well, pee-pee area. Now, they would grow into apple trees, but they really don’t get enough sun down there, so they just grow a little bit. So that’s why they’re there.”
Christ, the brain does NOT have the clipboard. That may be the most positively stupid thing I’ve ever uttered.
Plus I’m going to Hell.
Jr. nods. “Yeah, I thought is was something like that.”
Well, well…another potential crisis headed off by sound parenting techniques. He may be warped emotionally and mentally, but at least he stopped kneaded his poor little sack.
