In which the heathen family attends the church barbecue

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sunday afternoon.

Mr Siren: So, what we having for dinner?

Siren: I don’t know, whaddya want?

Mr Siren: Surprise me.

At this point, I got a devilish look in my eyes and called the kids over.

Siren (to children): Wanna go to a barbecue and see some fireworks this evening?

Little Sirens (jumping up and down excitedly): Great! We’ll get ready to go.

Mr Siren (very suspiciously): WHAT barbecue?

At this point I rooted around on my desk and found the little flier I had gotten in the mail a few days before and handed it to him.
THE GRACE PLACE BAPTIST CHURCH INVITES YOU TO THEIR 4TH ANNUAL 4TH OF JULY BLOCK PARTY! FREE FOOD! PROFESSIONAL FIREWORKS DISPLAY!

Mr. Siren: You’re kidding, right?

I was feeling a bit apprehensive myself, but I rushed forward.

Siren: Aww, come on. The kids will enjoy it. We wont have to cook. They can play at the playground, we can lay a blanket out and just enjoy the day. And I promise not to let anyone try to convert ya.

Well, I talked him into it. After a quick discussion with the kids (particularly my eldest) about what to say and what not to say (“if anyone asks you if you will be attending bible school, tell them you are leaving to stay with your grandma in Illinois in 2 days”)we headed out.

Well, this atheist wants to take this moment to thank the Grace Place Baptist Church for a wonderful meal, and the best fireworks display I have seen in a very long time. The Pastor did wander around and greet people, including us. But his greeting consisted merely of that. Just a friendly handshake, an introduction, and a “glad you could come join us”. Not once did he even mention how much he would like to see us join his congregation. There was no literature handed out,and there was only a very brief prayer before the fireworks began. More churches should do this sort of thing. For those who ARE looking for something, it is a friendly nonthreatening way to court converts. The soft sell works so much better than preaching. My husband and I are not converts (I believe we are well beyond the redemption point) but I am sure they gained not a small number of new members.
See there…Even we atheists can be gracious when it suits us.

2

An excellent substitute for Fire and Brimstone…

Fire and Magnesium Sulfate. :slight_smile:

See how far a little tolerance goes? I’m especially impressed to hear this about a Baptist church. No offense to any Calvinists out there, but it’s been my experience that they’re the second in line to jump all over you and hit you with a bible. Right behind the Mormons. :slight_smile:

3

So you took that yummy Baptist free food, KNOWING that your unsaved immortal souls would some day be writhing in eternal hellfire? Smarmily smirking as your shook that Man of God’s hand with your greasy, coleslaw-stained paw?

Good for you! Didja save me a drumstick?

(Personally, I feel that there should be more barbecues in general. I’ve had a lot of great cheap meals driving through small towns in the summertime, and dropping in on the local Kiwanis/Methodist/school-band chicken/sparerib/pancake breakfast fundraiser.)

4

You are SO going to hell for that. But I would have done the same thing, so it’s all good.

5

No drumstick, sorry…but I did sneak home a few of these delicious lemon squares. Care for a bite?

6

Having been in a marriage and growing up in a Fundamentalist home, and being “abused” by Evangelicals… I can vouch there are some good non-in-your-face Christians. Glad you had a good experince, and I don’t think you are going to hell, because I don’t believe there is one…but, this is not the place to speak of such subjects. :slight_smile:

7

Siren:

Sorry you missed our Episcopal Church picnic last week. Not only would we not try to convert you, you could have gotten a cocktail along with your bratwurst and potato salad.

8

Well, damn, apparently I picked the wrong church. But, sadly, such a thing is not possible in this state. It is actually ILLEGAL in this state to give away alcohol. Can you imagine???

9

“We’re not GIVING it away … we’re selling it, and they’re giving us their immortal souls in exchange. There’s this fine print, see, written at the bottom of each cocktail tumbler. It’s just too bad that they have to drink the cocktail before they can read the agreement. We got the idea from Microsoft’s shrink-wrap agreements that say ‘Breaking the seal constitutes acceptance of the agreement’, but the agreement is only described inside of the box.”

10

Catholics would find a way. But, now that I’m a Lutheran :rolleyes: , liquor was unavailable at the picnic. As was coffee, which prompted one woman to remark, “If we’re Lutherans, then where’s the coffee?” I offered to run home and make some, home being a block away.

There WAS beer and wine coolers (another :rolleyes: ) at the party in the church basement at the close of Vacation Bible School, but I could feel the hungry eyes of the people at the AA meeting in the next room boring into my brain and couldn’t comfortably imbibe. Not that anybody had more than one or two–these people make me long for my RC days, when liquor and gambling and Hail Marys were OK.