Spoiler: I’m fine. Have a laff with me. God knows, we need it.
Useful Advice: If you piss blood, see a doctor.
Background: Nearly five years ago I posted this thread describing events leading up to surgery for bladder cancer on 13 December 2019
Intro: Five years cancer free is frequently taken as a “cure”. Ahem. Four years and 46 weeks later……
Read on.
Friday 18 October 2024, in the evening: Pissed blood. Eh, here we go again. GP surgery closed for the weekend.
Monday 21 October: Called the surgery. Pro Tip: ordinarily you might have to wait weeks for a routine appointment, but use the magic words “pissed blood” and you’ll be seen within the hour. I described my history of bladder cancer, pissed in a jar and was given a form for bloods. So I had a trip out to see the phlebs* at my local hospital. First visit of….quite a few.
Thursday 5 October: Nobody had called about the tests, so I rang the surgery. Everything normal and prostate cancer excluded. Eh?
Friday 6 October: Having mulled it over, rang the surgery again and explained to the receptionist – let’s call her Suzie – that whilst I was quite happy to see something I really wasn’t concerned about excluded, nothing seemed to be addressing the possibility of bladder cancer. Hmm, says Suzie, Let me deal with that…
Now, lest you be thinking, “Well, I’m not very impressed with the NHS – perhaps universal healthcare isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be” – check this out:
Monday 28 October: Got called re: a cystoscopy appointment (camera up the cock) - booked for 30 Oct.
Tuesday 29 October: Got rung up about 12.30 whilst out on the bike, offered a CT scan at 2.20 that afternoon – but you have to fast. Hey, man – what? I just did 40 miles, I’ve been metabolising fat for over 2 hours, I just can’t do that. Fail.
Wednesday 30 October: Cystoscopy. Recurrence of bladder cancer confirmed. AND rung up with another CT scan appointment (1 Nov, accepted). AND given a date for phone pre-assessment consultation (31 Oct.)
Thursday 31 October: Spent time creating a typed-out calendar of events, as I was losing track - what, where, when, how long to fast. Phone pre-assessment consultation. Given a date for surgery (7 Nov.)
Friday 1 Nov: Given date for ECG (5 Nov). Afternoon: CT scan (4 hour fast). Dress code: no metal. Ever tried that? Eventually found an ancient pair of sweat pants with no zip pockets. I arrived at hospital dressed like a street drinker. Oh, and after the scan, drink huge amounts of water to clear the contrast agent. And we were out at a comedy show in the evening. Interesting combination of activities, that.
Monday 4 November: Day off. It was so unusual I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself.
Tuesday 5 November: ECG. All good, and blood pressure of 123/76 – not bad for a man in his sixties.
Wednesday 6 November: Man, did the news bring me down. Look, through all this shit I had been upbeat and positive, but Wednesday was long and miserable. Bad frame of mind. Comedy in the evening (we go a lot) cheered me up a bit. And then the joyful realization that - as I was fasting from 7AM the following morning – actually, midnight snacking was a really good idea. Cheese on toast washed down with strong beer. I went to bed upbeat and positive again.
Thursday 7 November: Eight days after diagnosis, surgery. Up at 6.40. Only water and no food after 7AM, not even water after 11AM. One consequence of this is that you naturally spend 10.30 to 11.00 drinking as much water as you possibly can and then – man in his sixties, remember – spend the first hour in hospital constantly pissing. If you’re in for bladder surgery, that can’t be a good look.
Anyway, it’s over, I’m home, I’m fine. I’m wearing surgical stockings. But stone me, that was quick. It seems even odder in retrospect – did someone really ring me up on a bike and offer me a CT scan less than two hours hence? They surely did. Hope you enjoyed this weird little story. Hope it amused, or at least distracted, you. And please join me in hoping that, on or around 4 September 2029, all I pass is urine.
j
* - “phlebs” = phlebotomists. Trade term.
End note for future researchers: 6 Nov was the day after the US election
.