Inadvertently raunchy comments

In My Humble Opinion
1

What’s the best/funniest comment or question you’ve ever had directed at you that was not intended to be raunchy but just came out that way? Ever done so yourself?

Case in point: Back in the late nineties, when swing-type music was making a big comeback (e.g., “Zoot Suit Riot”, Brian Setzer Orchestra and all that) those swing-dance type shoes were also trendy. Think updated Mary Jane shoes with the strap over the front of the foot and a higher heel.

So, it’s 1999, I’m wearing my nifty shoes and I get on the elevator at work to go up to my office. My office was on the seventh floor so it was a bit of a ride. A youngish guy standing nearby looked at my shoes and said, “Oh, hey, do you swing?”

A millisecond of stunned silence, then raucous laughter. :smiley:

Much earlier on - I was almost thirteen when this happened:

My family attended the wedding of the daughter of some friends. Another family came along with us; I went to school with their daughter, who was a year younger than me. When it was time for the bouquet toss, our mothers urged us onto the dance floor for a chance to catch the flowers. (Neither one of us caught them. ) Afterwards, since it was getting rather late we were to go back to the hotel with one of the adults while the other parents stayed and partied a while longer. We went up to the bride together (we both knew her well) and hugged and kissed her, and her new husband shook hands with us both, whereupon my friend remarked lightly, “So, is the marriage consummated?”

The bride and groom both laughed until they cried, literally. Being the older, much more sophisticated and very bookwormish sixth-grader :rolleyes: I knew what “consummate” meant and it was clear she was really vague on that one. I still remember to this day her protesting at the top of her voice :“What’s so funny? What’s so FUNNY? WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS SO FUNNY!?”

Apparently she’d heard the word in passing in a conversation related to weddings, marriage, etc but did not have a very good idea about what it meant. She’d had a vague notion that it was something official, such as when the wedding is over the marriage is “consummated”. :smiley:

Okay, ceremony’s over. Ditch the dress and get busy! Now!

2

I teach high school. For my daily caffine intake, I make tea in my room more or less all day long (I have a hot pot). Anyway, one day in the middle of class (kids were in groups working), I had the water already boiling and went to get a teabag, only to discover that I was out. I said, in my teacher voice (which carries) “Oh no! Does ANYONE have a teabag?”

Turns out moden teenagers do know what “teabagging” means (blame Halo). They laughed and I blushed.

3

This was two days ago.

A colleague who is about my age (mid-50’s) asked a question at a meeting about something that had been true in our company several years ago, but possibly wasn’t true any more. He followed the question with another question - “or am I just dating myself?”

I said “Don’t worry, I date myself all the time.”

Profound silence.

I swear I meant that I frequently say things that reveal my age. I think my lack of forethought was evidenced by my furious blushing.

My boss was in the room. I didn’t have the nerve to look at him.

Roddy…

4

Several years ago, I moved into an apartment that included a small fenced patio, with room for vegetation between the concrete and the fence. The previous tennant had neglected the area, so weeds were about to take over. Feeling industrious, I decided to clean it up, but I lacked any suitable tools. Took myself to the local Walmart, and I’m wandering through the hardware section, not finding what I wanted. The salesguy happened to be a young black guy. I went up to him, in all innocence, and asked politley “Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find a hoe?”

He gave me the strangest look…

5

I work for a stock footage company. My job is to dub the master tapes that we send to clients (TV production companies mostly.) These tapes are normally sent out on Beta SP. There have been several times where I commented to my boss on how the master betas were coming along. :smack:

6

People frequently comment on my 6’5" stature then lament that they wish they were taller. I occasionally reply “I’d give you six inches if I could” but I never mean it in a raunchy way.

No one has ever called me on it though.

7

Me: Poker dealer
Them: 90 year old men
The Bets: way far out of my reach along the perimeter

Me: “Could you push it in a little farther, honey?”

8

I work in an office with three men. At one point, there was an empty carton on my desk, from some sample that we had used in a display. One of the guys asked me if I was going to get rid of it, and I said I didn’t know because we might need it to ship something else out. He said that we had other cartons in back and I responded that this one was in the office, not the stockroom. I said, exactly, “I’ve got the office box.”

Dead silence. I’m positive their minds went to the dirtiest place possible, but thankfully no one made any jokes. I was too embarrassed to say anything to anyone for a couple of hours.

9

The sportscaster at the small radio station where I work traveled with the local junior college teams doing play-by-play; the trips were long, and the sportscaster (I’ll call him Ron) usually slept on the way back. One day we were presented with an 11X14 photo of Ron, deeply asleep on the team bus. It was posted on the wall of our main studio. A few days later, as I was cleaning out cabinets in our employee break area, I found an empty box of generic teabags. I cut off the lid, which actually said “TEABAGS” on it, and pinned it to the wall above Ron’s picture – everyone got a huge laugh from it, including Ron and the station’s owner-manager. Until the day a high school communications class toured the station. One of the girls actually asked why the lid from a box of teabags was pinned to the wall of the studio. One of her male classmates put his lips to her ear and, before the teacher could stop him, quickly explained. The box lid and Ron’s photo came down that afternoon.

Just recently, our morning DJ (who happens to be my younger brother) was “interviewing” one of our biggest advertisers, who also happens to be a good friend of mine and a neighbor – and the husband of a women we all agree is drop-dead gorgeous. Said advertiser was bragging about his wife’s skill in the kitchen, and especially her ability to produce award-winning apple pies. My brother and I have both sampled said wife’s culinary arts, and she is, indeed, one talented baker. Intending humorous hyperbole, my brother said clearly and into his live microphone, “Well y’know, Bill, there’s nothing I love more than to plant my face in Zelda’s pie.” Being an experienced announcer, of course, he tried to move on, but his guest was collapsing with laughter, and my poor brother had no choice but to cue the music.

10

Er…what? I’ve played plenty of Halo, and I seem to have missed that feature! :eek: :smiley:

11

Here’s a couple from BBC live cricket commentary:

“the bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey” *

"Botham’s just managed to get his leg over’ **

*Michael Holding; Peter Willey; willy = English slang for male genital organ

** Botham had spun round to avoid a fast ball and only avoided being out (by kicking his stumps) with an abrupt lifting of his flailing leg

12

As a chap from a country with a long history of tea drinking, what is this new-fangled definition involving teabags? :confused:

13

Spoiler for the weak.

“Teabagging” is when one male falls asleep at a party/on a plane/on a bus/etc and at least one other male drops his testicles into/onto the sleeping man’s mouth/face and a picture is taken, for the purposes of embarrassing the sleeper later.

14

Does it count if it’s not your own?

Years ago, I was idly flipping through channels when I listened to twenty seconds of a talk show. Interviewer said to guest, “Was that why you won the award for best direction?” Guest’s eyes went huge, there was a silent moment, then guest keeled over sideways, laughing. Interviewer did that special uncomfortable laugh-with-you of people who know they’re in the wrong, and kept repeating, “Best DIrection! Best DI*rection!!!”

15

Ah. :eek:

Tea will taste different rom now on. :wink:

16

Brief hijack:

This was intentional. I made a reference that you had to be 30+ years old to get, and one of my co-workers said, “You’re dating yourself.”
I said, “I prefer to think of it as a romantic friendship.”

I was out riding bikes with a friend of mine, and we met his girflriend at a bar. She wanted him to drive home afterwards. When he said he had his bike, she said, “Just stick it in my trunk and drive me home.”

17

It apparently involves the repeated use of hte crouch feature while standing over your defeated opponent’s corpse. It’s not perfect, but it’s enough to make 17 year olds roll on the floor howling. It doesn’t take much.

18

Some time ago, Mrs. Slinger and I were dining at an Olive Garden, having ordered some sort of all-you-can-eat pasta dish. As we waited for the server to bring us our third round of pasta, we jokingly started challenging each other to see who could consume the most pasta. She said, “I am so going to eat more than you.” Just as the server showed up, I loudly retorted “Please – I’m going to eat you under the table!”

The server froze, glanced at me, then at her, then at the table. I just gave the server a lecherous wink.

And by “just gave the server a lecherous wink,” I of course mean “I just sat there and blushed.”

19

Which reminds me of another funny incident in which I’m enjoying lunch with some friends. We’d ordered deli sandwiches and chips, and pickles came along with the meal in a plastic bag. I withdrew a pickle and began to consume it. They were yummy, spicy dill pickles and I wanted the last one since no one else seemed to want it.

I took the pickle out (they were dill slices, not whole pickes.) and offered it to my friend who hadn’t yet had one. “Want the last pickle?”

Being a dill slice and not a whole pickle, and since said dill had been residing for a while in the plastic bag, it was a bit wobbly.

She looked it over briefly. “No, it’s too limp. I like them firm.”

:smiley:

Being the seventh-graders-at-heart that we are, we went bonkers over that one.

20

Years ago I worked as a cashier at what is known as The Junk Store. It’s the type of place that sells unclaimed freight of all varieties, sometimes at a dirt-cheap prices. Well, one day two construction guys came to my check stand and plonked a bunch of tools & hardware on the counter. These customers were regular shoppers & I would often engage in friendly chat during the transaction.

On this particular day, their grand total was $69.69.

And at that particular moment, the words: “Heh. $69.69… Dinner for four” spilled from my mouth. The customers immediately went into convuslive laughter, and I turned about 37 shades of red. Both guys said that I’d just made their day. They made sure to always come to my register if I happened to be working. :slight_smile: