Um, excuse me, Windows Media Player? I’m pretty sure I haven’t given you permission to access my internet connection. No, it’s not OK that you send identifying information (your words, not mine) back to headquarters. Thank Odin that Zone Alarm has been keeping an eye on you. I had a feeling you were up to no good, and that’s why I linked all your file types to WinDVD, because you CANNOT be trusted. You are a bad, naughty, wicked program.
Now how about you tell me what you did to my file? You know, the file purported to be free that is now having you request credit card information over an unsecured connection… No! For the last time, I’m not interested. And don’t give me that digital rights lecture again. I would have happily passed up the file had you let me know about this beforehand, so it’s a moot point. Not that I think your digital rights scam is any more ethical than file sharing, but we’re getting off topic here.
Keep your grubby little bits and bytes off my files, away from my internet connection, and don’t launch unless I ask you to. This is your last warning. Check for updates? You are really pushing your luck, who asked…[sub]hysterical babbling deleted[/sub]
Speaking of Win Media Player, I find it somewhat ironic that this is the program that crashes my Windows machine most often. It tends to freeze up at times – and sometimes I can’t get out any other way than a force reboot.
Somehow it figures that the program most in conflict with the OS (at least for me) is not a third party software, but rather another MS program.
Sorry, I already have Harrison Ford under contract for my movie “Fatal Exception”.
Plot synopsis: Generic terrorists are plotting a release of giant anthrax-ridden hamsters in the Washington D.C. area, as well as a massive satellite uplink takeover that will cause reception of all NFL games to be replaced by video of Osama bin Laden’s birthday party. Tension mounts as Ford’s crack team of anti-hackers moves to seize control of the servers and prevent Armageddon. An initial success is thwarted as Winona Ryder’s character steals the uplink code and hides it in her underwear.
Finally Ford completes the last line of code that will save the world. He hits the “Return” button, only to be met with the blue screen and “Fatal Exception” message. Ford’s face reflects confusion, doubt, then rage. He seizes the video terminal and keyboard and smashes them into the nearest wall in a shower of sparks and plastic fragments.
As sounds of panic and chittering increase in the background, Anne Heche dances across the wreckage in a filmy costume.
Fade to black.
I see you over there grinning in the quick launch toolbar, I-Eplorer. Don’t think for a second that I believe media player decided to reach out and simultaneously touch Uncle Bill[sup]1[/sup] and my wallet without your help.
I looked some stuff up for myself, I did. Guess what? This ain’t got squat to do with digital rights. Seems any old schlub can take a fair use file and, as long as they sign up with ol’ scratch[sup]2[/sup] and promise to give him a piece of the action, re-encode it so that you boys will know to begin the shakedown. Then all they have to do is get it out there, maybe mix it in with truly free stuff, maybe even have it show up right next to free copies of the same thing. Who’d suspect anything until that final, fateful moment? You know what the funny thing is? The scammers making the money never have to show any ‘digital rights’ at all. All they have to do is pay. [sup]3[/sup] Hell, they could be pirates themselves. That wiped that grin off your face, didn’t it? I’m on to you.
In fact maybe I’ll call the justice department. Quit laughing! I’m picking up the phone right now! I have a case…
Erm. Fine. Maybe if you let me open that file, we can work something out. Hey! I’m talking to you, what… [Waverly is not well, please excuse him – I. Exporer]
[sup]1[/sup][sub]Bill is just a personification of MS; clearly [?] he doesn’t control the world[/sub]
[sup]2[/sup][sub]Obvious hyperbole[/sub]
[sup]3[/sup][sub]Near as I can tell. I’m not quite sure I understand the scheme[/sub]