Has anyone successfully dealt with a cheating spouse? And by that, I mean keeping the marriage intact. I can’t stand the thought of losing my family, but I also can’t stand the thought of what my wife did. Can one really ever forget what happened?
I personally know at least one couple who stayed together after a spouse cheated and the partner found out. I’ve read accounts of many more.
It is possible, but you have to want it. Go to counseling. See if you can forgive your wife, and if you’re willing to put the work in to get through this.
You don’t know if she’s going to cheat on you again, and she doesn’t know if you’re going to hold this against her for the rest of her life. So, you both have to work on rebuilding the trust.
I second the counseling. Yes, she screwed up, big time. You need to find out why and if the relationship is worth saving.
Good luck.
My father cheated on my mother about 17 years ago, but he managed to keep it under wraps for a good 10 years afterward, until it finally came gushing out in a guilty/angry torrent in the middle of an argument.
As a condition of absolution, my mother insisted that he tell my 24-year-old self, mostly to humiliate him.
I think I was more pissed at her for demanding that he drag me in to it than I was at him for actually cheating. Not too pissed, mind you - I’ve had enough fucked up relationships to understand how irrational people can get when emotions are running that high.
Anyway, they’re still together, and I’m pretty sure they’re still in love. That’s not to say it doesn’t still come up every couple of years to much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but they’ve put 33 years into the whole relationship and they seem to be doing a lot better some relationships I’ve seen (and been in) where there was no infidelity.
Your wife’s transgression appears to be a lot more fresh, though. I don’t know what to tell you.
No. I’ve had two women cheat on me. Both of them dumped me for someone else, and I never saw it coming because I trusted them totally.
To me, there is no way to repair the damage done by infidelity. But that’s just me.
I appreciate your responses. I suppose I’m just looking for a little hope here.
We survived.
IANAMarriagae Counselor but it seems that the both of you need to discover what the problems were that caused the infidelity in the first place. Then you can decide whether those problems are capable of being solved and whether you want to put in the work necessary to salvage the marriage.
Whatever the answer I hope you’re able to come to a resolution.
Look at Bill and Hillary Clinton.
Bill’s probably still getting quickies in back offices.
It all depends on the reason that led her to cheating.
If it is because of an unhappy relationship where love no longer exists, and life is mostly filled with bitterness and anxiety, then the relationship is probably already well beyond repair and it would be best to terminate it.
If the cheating is on the other hand is on account of something else like wanting a quickie on the side, well that should be treated differently and counselling would be a viable option.
Yes, cheating does not have to mean automatic break-up (though it may mean long, slow, drawn out break-up, sadly). Was it a quickie marriage at a young age? Did either of you sacrifice sexual compatibility for security? Does one of you travel? Not that any of this offers some sort of defense for her actions, but not all cheaters are cut from the same sleazy cloth.
Unless you’re already on the same page, though, when it comes to definitions of romantic love (e.g. believing in ‘the one’ versus polyamory), the incident (incidents?) will likely be an albatross.
Depends.
How much do you want to emotionally beat yourself/her up about it? (most I’ve seen don’t want to give up that emotional cudgel, or realize the underlying issues)
Does she truly appreciate how much work regaining someone’s trust is? (most I’ve seen don’t understand just how long they’ll have to work: years, not months or weeks)
I’ve been there (as the cheatee, not the cheater).
This is what works. You both have to decide that it’s over, it’s done with, it will never happen again, and it’s a closed book.
If the cheated-on partner is going to hold it against the cheater forever, and punish the cheater for years to come, well, that’s as destructive as the cheating. Like this:
Arguably, wanting to humiliate the cheater years after the fact, and bring the (grown) children in as the instrument of that humiliation, is just as destructive as the original cheating.
Really. Once the cheater sincerely decides never to do it again, and the cheated-on partner decides that he or she wants to stay in the relationship, it has to be a closed book. Forever.
Once a cheater does NOT mean always a cheater. But it does mean you’ll always wonder. It is difficult to describe, let alone account for, the damage a cheating partner can do to you. The emotional damage seems disproportionate to the offense. Theoretically, you’ve got the moral high ground so your self-esteem shouldn’t suffer. But it doesn’t work that way.
YOU can’t make the marriage work. The cheater is the one who left the marriage and is the one who must come back to it if there is any hope of a future. I tried for 5 years to leave the past in the past. When it became clear to me that it was still a marriage of 1, I left. Things are good now. I would like those last 5 years back.
No that’s not just you, it’s me too. A relationship is all about trust, once that is broken, Humpty Dumpty is off the wall. It can’t be put back together.
I forgave and continued with the marriage (2 different times, 2 different wifes), but the pattern repeated. I later realized that the respect level coming from my spouse was greatly reduced by my accepting the infidelity. It was easier for them the second time, because I had forgave the first time. I learned to respect myself more.
My present wife and I made it clear from the begining, as the basis of the relationship, that infidelity is the one sin that is punishable by the death of the deal. All other things are negotiable, not this.
To the OP; if you really can let it go, if you really can move forward, and if it won’t be a big deal when it happens again, then stay. If I were a gambling man I would throw my retirement on the bet that it will happen again.
Life is too short to waste with people who care so little about your feelings that they would do this. Kick him/her to the curb and don’t look back.
I’ve been the cheater and the cheatee. Relationships can definitely survive, as long as you can both honestly and starkly look in the face what happened and why, and either fix it or come to terms with it. Having decided how your relationship is going to grow away from the infidelity, you need to leave it in the past. I mean really. Don’t TRY to leave it in the past; just accept it as part of the things which have happened and away from which you are now moving. That could very well be moving together; sadly it could also be moving separately. Professional help could be useful to you, but my partner and I went the route of just talking to each other. We stayed up all night and called in sick to work for a couple of days and just talked and cried and talked and fell asleep and woke up and talked… it was pretty intense but we sorted it out and now neither of us thinks much about it any more. It sucks that either of us was unfaithful, but I can type this now without pain and we’re even both still friends with both of the other parties involved (less so the person I cheated with, but they never got on beforehand either!). We are monogamous, by the way; it was a massive betrayal and there were major reasons behind our infidelities. But we survived it and our relationship improved because we dealt with what made it happen. We’ve now been monogamous again for six or seven years, and trust each other absolutely. It happened once. We know how bad it was. It will not *ever *happen again.
My grandmother has been claiming that Gramps has never cheated on her pretty much since they got married. He claims he has, big time (as well as having sexually abused and/or tried to induce to prostitution all their children and grandchildren). Thing is, cheating is also the one thing she says she’d never put up with… but she’s completely nuts about her man.
Is self-delusion your cup of tea?
I think that’s my point; if you’re going to delude yourself, either the relationship won’t survive, or you won’t ever be really happy. I’m not sure I put it across very well before. What I meant is that only if you can completely confront what happened and put it into the past is there any chance of the relationship ever being “real” again. Total honesty negates the need for self delusion. You know what happened, you know why it happened, you know it won’t happen again. Or you know it will, in which case you depart at speed.
Thanks for the discussion. We are going to counselling starting in 4 days. I am desperately trying to put it in the past, and that’s my current struggle. My wife actually seems as torn up about this as I am. Some good thoughts and advice in this thread. Thanks.
You can survive. So can your marriage. If i can give you some advice, I’d seriously try to find out why. There is a why. I know why I did what I did, my husband knows, I can’t say he has tried exceptionally hard to solve the problem on his end. We are currently in counseling not for that specifically, but really for the bigger picture.
I can tell my husband all day long that he left me first and left me in more ways than I left him. I can try to explain how desperately lonely I was. I don’t seem to get through in any meaningful way. Every way he needs me, he refuses to let me in.
Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t my husbands fault for what I did. It is my burden. I should have left, I suppose, or forced counseling earlier, the fact is, in a relationship, it takes two to tango and sometimes, you can be so very, very, very tired of dancing alone, no matter how much you love that person. I can’t tell you how much it broke my heart that what I needed desperately from the man I love more than anyone, he refused to give me. As far as ever doing it again? No, I don’t think I would ever get in that situation again. Then again, I hope I’m never in that situation again. It would break more than my heart to leave my husband.
I’m sorry if I’m rambling, but I know you are hurting. I don’t know what your answer is, but please, find out the why, no matter how much you don’t want to hear it. Knowing that may be what helps the TWO of you make sure it doesn’t happen again. If I could make my husband forget, I would in a heart beat. If I could forget how awful I felt, I would.
AB
Homewrecker