I would like to hear from anyone out there if they think that one sex is more unfaithful than the other. Being a woman, I have a bias that men are more likely to be unfaithful than women, but it has been said that women can be just as unfaithful as a guy, and driven by her sex drive, rather than a need for a wholesome committed relationship. What do you reckon guys and gals?
I’d say it’s about equally likely for either sex, but for some reason it’s more expected or even permissible for men. Just my 2 cents.
Shine on, you crazy diamond!
I read an article about this recentlly but can’t cite.
In marriage, men are far more likely to cheat.
In a commited relationship, not married, it’s closer to equal.
So what’s it mean?
Peace,
mangeorge
I only know two things;
I know what I need to know
And
I know what I want to know
Mangeorge, 2000
I too read an article on this (I think it was Dan Savage’s thing a couple weeks ago…but I can’t seem to find it to cite it).
Anyway, if I remember correctly - it goes back to primate/pack animal behavior. It’s not so much that men are more likely to cheat than women, or vice vursa, it’s that men and women “sleep around” for different reasons. In the realm of cheaters, men will have sex with as many women as possible to spread his DNA around the “pack”. Whereas women will have sex with as many men as possible to find the strongest mate that will supply protection and dominant DNA for her offspring. In other words, the tone of the article was that of: men and women who cheat are only giving in to the “natural” inclinations of the reproductive animals that we are…
Personally, I don’t think that the “Men cheat more than women” thing is really accurate. In my experience, it’s been that women are more discrete about their affairs than men - women are far better at being sneeky…which is why it APPEARS that men cheat more 
Am I missing something here? Doesn’t it usually take both?
God is my co-pilot. Blame Him.
Well, one can have an affair with a single man/woman, obviously. I remember one Seinfeld episode where George says “on my god, I just committed adultery!” and the woman says “no you didn’t, I did.” Maybe that’s not morally true, but it is true in the context of this thread.
How Do Americans View Adultery? CNN Poll
Now this depends on who knows what.
There is at least one state that defines it entirely by the martial status of the woman: that is, if a man has sex with an unmarried woman, both are guilty of fornication. If a man has sex with a married woman, both are guilty of adultery.
FWIW…
- Rick
That ain’t worth much, IMHO, Rick.
It is my observation that happily married women do not cheat. I don’t have enough observation about men to make any generalized statements that way.
The problem that often arises is that a woman will stay in a relationship long after she knows it’s not going to work, or is time to get out. Then somebody else comes along who catches her fancy, and an event, perhaps an affair, occurs which ends the marriage. Because nobody else knows about what was going on in the marriage before (sometimes even the husband, who doesn’t often see it coming), outsiders blame the affair, and the third person, for wrecking the marriage.
Just my .02.
-Melin
Sig line CENSORED
Bon, what would you describe counts as ‘Infidility?’
I have to agree with Melin 100%. Also, some author on Oprah was talking about the way women stay in an unhappy relationship for ages. She may talk about it with friends or write in a journal about it, working out all her options. When she finally decides to leave the man or have an affair, it appears to the man to be completely out of the blue, when in reality it’s been in the works for quite some time.
two more cents from me.
(I believe the pot is up to six cents now :))
Shine on, you crazy diamond!
Story of my life! I stayed in a bad marriage for 2 years and I did have an affair about 1 1/2 years into the bad marriage. I knew the marriage was a mistake from the beginning but tried very hard to make it work. At the time of my affair, I wasn’t having sex w/my husband (not that that makes it any better). The other person gave me what was missing from my marriage and once I realized that my husband would never be able to give me what I needed I got out as quickly as I could. He knew about the affair and said that he shares the blame with me because he wasn’t a good husband to me. We still remain “friends” for the sake of our daughter and he holds no ill feelings towards me for the affair. This was the one and only time I have ever cheated in my life and I know that I will never do it again. If I’m in a bad relationship I’m just going to get out… save a lot of heartache on both parts.
I’m not sure if men cheat more or women cheat more. I guess it’s about equal. I’ve been on both ends of it and it’s not a pleasant experience either way.
That John Denver’s full of shit man!
I think at one point in time that men probably did cheat more. But as more women joined the workforce, I think it’s probably about even now.
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Rachelle, let me ask you some personal questions: what happened to your relationship with “the other man”? Did you continue on with him? Was he kind of like a catalyst (sp?), that opened your eyes as to what was missing in your marriage? Was enough there for a relationship with him after the divorce?
In my experience, both are equally likely. And to mellonhead, who said that women are sneakier than men, you’ve never met my ex-girlfriend! She did everything short of saying “Oh, and by the way, I’m fucking one of my co-workers”. I still didn’t notice, of course. Basically, as near as I can tell, she was bi-curious when she met me, then decided she wasn’t so curious after all, but couldn’t come right out and say so. Well, I’ve just wandered totally off topic. Back to our regularly scheduled program…
Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in Gosh.
Handy, Infidelity in the context of my originally framed question, means that when one is in a committed relationship ie married, or he/she has decided to exclusively hang out with the “significant other”, and so fidelity in this frame of reference is remaining faithful to that ideal. Infidelity is when one breaches that agreement.How one breaches that agreement is up for grabs! I mean metaphorically of course!Some may argue mouths and cigars don’t count as infidelity, neither snogging.That is all another issue, albeit an interesting one tho.
[I read an article about this recentlly but can’t cite. In marriage, men are far more likely to cheat. In a commited relationship, not married, it’s closer to equal. So what’s it mean? ] -mangeorge
does this statement seem strange to anyone besides me?
what is a commited relationship if your not talking about marriage. What is the commitment?
Are we talking about a common law marrage, or only having sex with each other?
If it’s the last meaning, then the very act of cheating ends the commitment.
After much study in the area of sexual selection at UCSB several factors seem to possibly answer this question generally. There are physical costs for animals that reproduce themselves. For males the cost of spreading their DNA is rather low (physically speaking). Sperm are produced in mass through out the lifetime of the male. If the male decides that he does not want to invest in his offspring he does not (biologically speaking) have to. The physical cost for female reproduction high. The female is physically committed to sustaining the life of her offspring from the time of conception until weaning. If spreading ones gene’s is viewed as a selective advantage, the male strategy of impregnating a female that he will invest in, while “Cheating” with other females may be an effective one. Females on the other hand, would be more wary of selecting many mates who may or may not invest in their child. It would be more of an advantage for her to find a single mate whom could invest, thus alleviating some of the burden of pregnancy and child bearing. Additionally, if a female is promiscuous and her committed mate suspects that the child he is investing in is not his, he may not feel the obligation to support the child. This would increase the pressures on the woman to remain monogamous.
If you buy the fact that many of our “modern day” drives and behaviors are adaptations that helped us survive as hunter-gatherers (which we have been for the vast majority of our existence) then this might make sense.
I am still friends with the other man. At the time of the affair we both agreed that we wouldn’t get “serious” and I broke it off while I was going through my divorce. If I had been single when we met, we would have become involved but our timing was just off.
Yes, he did open my eyes to what was missing in my marriage. He wasn’t anything like my ex-husband. He listened to me, respected my opinions, allowed me to have my own opinions… he genuinely cared about me. My ex was an alcoholic, very jealous, possessive, controlling, dependant on me to do everything - work, take care of our daughter, take care of the house, pay the bills, laundry, dishes, etc., (the list goes on and on) while he went out and did whatever he wanted to do, got hammered, came home and passed out on the couch and slept till 3:00 or 4:00 the next day. He was never around to spend time with me and our daughter.
I kept in contact with the other man during the next several months and in November we did see each other again but this time he was dating someone so nothing ever happened. Now he is not dating anyone and I am so we still aren’t together. I used to wonder what would have happened sometimes but I am very happy with the man I’m with now so everything has worked out for the best.
That John Denver’s full of shit man!
Yes mangeorge it does seem strange to me too that women would be more likely to cheat in a committed relationship outside marriage. I have no answers to that one at all! except marriage must mean more to women than men…??
I don’t see commitment as such as black and white issue as you “what is a committed relationship if your not talking about marriage. What is the commitment?” Many people decide not to get married for a variety of reasons, but they make an agreement/committment to each other about being just with each other, including sex. My sister for example, has been in a “committed” relationship for 21 years and they decided not to get married for a variety of reasons. They sat down and talked about it for ages. They are very happy with 3 kids, a dog and a cat! Remember that marriage originally was an institution functioning as a business agreement between two families. We have moved on from that, and now prefer to be married for love, and that is when the problems can start.
Committment is a very private thing, and I don’t think couples discuss it enough when they are thinking of getting married or committing in a de facto relationship. Couples need to define their boundaries and discuss issues like these, as we all have different ideas about what is right and wrong.