I have this friend, we’re not real close but we get together once in a while.
She has one trait that at first just made me go huh? but now it’s more of a *OMG shutup! *
If we go someplace together all she talks about is
Do you think so and so likes me?
Do you think she enjoyed our conversation?
Do you think she liked my dress?
Do you think everybody noticed I had on a new dress?
Do you think anybody noticed how I matched my jewelry to the dress?
Do you think people noticed how I did my hair. I spent 3 hours on my hair, do you think every one appreciates how I fix myself up?
Did you see so and so’s husband? Did you see the way he looked at me? Do you think he likes me? Do you think he thinks I’m attractive? Do you think he wanted to talk to me longer? Do you think he likes the way I talk?
and my favorite
I know he is married and I’d never date a married man but do you think if he was single he would like me and want to take me out? Do you think his wife is jealous of me?
Of course by this point I am thinking * if he heard you talking like this he’d be running away from teh crazy*.
Anyway, one of my closer friends has - if you can believe it - a friend just like her.
These two women could be twins.
She went to a social event with her friend and the whole hour long drive home and the next few days conversations were
Do you think they liked me?
Do you think they liked my presentation? Did you see those two women talking during my presentation? Do you think they were talking about me? Do you think they admired the way I was dressed? Did you see the way so and so talked to me? He put his hand on my back when he passed by me, do you think that means he likes me? Do you think he might want to take me out? Do you think people liked my dress? I paid a lot for my dress, do you think people noticed? Do people respect what I have to say? Do they appreciate me?
And amazingly
I know so and so is married and I’d never date a married man but do you think if he was single I’d be the kind of woman he’d want to be with? Do you think his wife got jealous that he spent so much time talking to me?
My friends thoughts were I’d think if he heard this conversation he’d be screaming like a little girl running away from your crazy ass.
My friend said it must be sad to be so insecure that you have to obsess over every little thing and what other people think.
I said I thought it was narcissism because they don’t see anything other than how it relates to themselves.
Either way we both agree that these women can only be taken in small doses, and they should never be trusted around other women’s husbands.
My experience with narcissists is more along the lines of:
“Did you notice how that other gal was dressed? My God, what a loser. I bought my dress at a very exclusive boutique, but of course you’ve probably never heard of it.”
“That dress you’re wearing is… interesting. Well, I’m sure you’re doing the best you can.”
“By the way, wasn’t my presentation stunning? Did you notice how everyone was rapt with attention? Well, that’s only natural. All my life I have been stunning in every way. Most people wish they could be like me. But of course I would never have anything to do with them because I only interact with very high level people.”
“I was standing with so-and-so and his wife and he and I were mind-fucking right there in front of her!! Can you believe what a loser she is?? Right there in front of her! God, that’s hilarious. What an idiot.”
I would say insecure. It sounds like they can’t evaluate their impression on others (or don’t trust their own perception), so they solicit the advice of others.
This is a ‘safe’ choice because the other person often wants to give a supportive, yet noncomittal response “I guess” “maybe” “seems like it” without getting dragged into the drama. Flat out refusing to respond just makes the person more annoying because they think you are withholding an unpopular opinion from them.
There’s a thread on borderline personality disorder, and how people who have it are insecure in their relationships-- sometimes to the point that their insecurity is what ruins their relationships. It doesn’t happen in just romantic relationships, and this kind of dialogue is what I expect from someone with this diagnosis.
Now, IANAShrink, and if I were, I’d say I can’t diagnose someone I haven’t ,met, so I’ll leave it at that: I have known people with this diagnosis, and had conversations like this with them, ad nauseam, and in some cases, have been in a position to point out that this kind of behavior turns people off, and they need to try and suppress it, however uncomfortable; eventually, they will find that people treat them better, and consider them more approachable. I had one woman thank me. She is better able to have casual conversations with people, and so she has more opportunities to “read” people, and find answers on her own to what they thought of her.
The excessive self-absorption/clinginess, and lack of interpersonal skills is a vicious circle for people with BPD.
Of course, you don’t need to actually have BPD to be in that circle. If you were an awkward kid who didn’t have a lot of opportunities to develop social skills, you could get stuck in it as well.
You may not be in a position to tell this woman not to be so self-absorbed, and to be more casual (that is, less intense) with people, and then she may pick up the information she wants naturally instead of having to ask. Maybe the best solution for you is to just take her in small doses. But if you ever decide to have this conversation with her, it can work.
Carol the Impaler when you posted is what I would think of narcissists. Kine of arrogant and full of themselves with empathy. I kind of see narcissism with these women because everything is me, me, me.
Incubus I would think insecure as well until they get to wondering about other women’s husbands. That they read so much into a simple social interaction doesn’t sound insecure to me. Why would you want a married man to be interested in you? Why do you want to make another woman jealous? I think it’s creepy.
**pancakes3 ** I agree. These women also never ask how we feel about the event, if we had a nice time. Everything revolves around them.
RivkahChaya and Lakai thanks for the info.
I may try saying something to my friend.
