First, a point of clarification: I absolutely do not feel like I owe him a damn thing. I think what’s going on is that for most of the past couple years, I’ve asked for a lot of help from other people, and haven’t felt like I have had a whole lot to give or offer anyone. Such is life sometimes. But now I’m finding myself in a position where I potentially have something to offer that could really help out a friend in distress. And so the inner battle is that while I do tremendously value my privacy and personal space, I also think it would feel good to be able to help a friend.
But I do think you raise some a good point. Helping a friend, when done properly, makes both the giver and the receiver feel better for the experience: it strengthens the bonds of friendship, and makes most people feel personally enriched. And then there are situations where the intent to help turns into pure self-sacrifice, and the person offering the help is embittered and the bonds of friendship are not strengthened. And this situation may come dangerously close to the latter situation.
The_wind_of_my-soul, I suggest that you avoid this situation and find some other way to give assistance to your friend. My best friend, who LOVES living alone, kindly agreed to allow a friend to stay with her for a month while his house purchase was completed. The house sale fell through, the friend became so depressed he stopped looking for other options, finally revealed he actually had very little money (much less than he’d originally claimed), and ended up staying for four months, which turned out to be miserable for both of them. They haven’t spoken since he finally moved out, over two years ago. I think, for people like my friend and you and I, who value our privacy and space, sharing that space just doesn’t work. I currently have a housemate and I hate it but compassion for his situation keeps me from making him move. I wish I’d never let him move in in the first place. YMMV, of course. Good luck.
Yikes. Thanks for the warning. This was something running through my head. Even if I were to tell him that he could stay for, say, two months, what happens if there are complications with the house sale, or with the financial terms of the divorce? It would be incredibly awkward to force a friend of mine out of the house, and if I let him stay longer, it’s quite likely that I’d start to resent his presence.
jayrey, this is kind of a half-baked idea, so if it comes out sounding stupid, then I apologize. You mentioned finding some other way to help, and I’m wondering if I could let him use the spare bedroom without actually giving him a key or letting him move his stuff in. I wouldn’t run the risk of him overstaying his welcome if he didn’t have a key, and it would also mean that if he ever wanted to use the bedroom, he would need to let me know beforehand so that I wouldn’t be surprised by him walking into the kitchen while I’m buck naked. But it would at least give him a place to stay where he could be away from his wife. He’s mentioned looking for distractions and trying to find reasons to get out of the house, but of course the pandemic makes it hard for him to do too much of this.
A few years ago my daughter lived with us for (I’m guessing) about nine months. She’s one of my favorite people in the world, we had a fantastic time taking her out for dinners, drinking, concerts, etc. Plus we have a huge house.
I was sad when she and her fiancé found a house and she moved out, but at the same time it was nice getting back to a normal situation. In the OP’s situation no way would I want a “roomie”. I’d offer to help him financially to pay his security deposit on his rental, because IME that’s what grown ups do when they divorce, find a dirt-cheap efficiency.
I don’t think I’d feel comfortable giving him money, but I could get behind the concept of looking for other ways to help out that don’t involve sharing my home.
Hmm, I can see advantages and disadvantages to not giving him a key. Yes, he’d have to give you notice, but you’d need to be clear with him about how much advance notice you needed. Like, he can’t call and say, hey I’m in your driveway now and want to stay tonight. I’d also worry a bit about him randomly coming and going during COVID. For example, if he ended up couch-surfing at various friends’s houses just to get out of the house, his overall COVID exposure might end up being quite high, Which means yours could end up high too.
What if you offered to let him store some of his belonging in the spare room or in your garage until he can get a big enough place of his own? In the meantime, maybe he could rent a studio apartment or a room in someone else’s house – someone who didn’t value their privacy and space as much.
Update: This morning, my friend asked me point-blank exactly what my issues were with my previous roommate and why it didn’t work out, and we had a good discussion regarding my needs/habits and his. There’s definitely still some stuff left to discuss if I were to officially offer him a key and allow him to rent a room, but we’re not at that point yet.
I asked him what he thought about staying in my spare bedroom for a few days, not as a roommate but as a guest, just to test out the waters, and he liked the idea.