My boyfriend and I are fast approaching a huge point in our relationship. We’ve been together for a good while now and in a few months when our leases are up we are going to be moving into an apartment together*. While this is incredibly exciting it is also going to be a big test of our relationship. We spend most of our free time together at this point anyway and I think it will bring us closer together, but I also know that some of the romance is taken out of a relationship when he walks in on you shaving your legs or you catch him cleaning out his ears with a pen cap or something.
So, to those of you who are now or have in the past cohabitated with a significant other, what were the biggest changes you saw in your relationship? What were/are the best parts of living with your SO? What were/are the worst parts of living with your SO?
*We are either getting a two bedroom for the two of us or a three bedroom with a roommate. We want to make sure that we have plenty of room for everyone and a place we can go to if we need a little space or private time. On top of that, we are moving into a completely new place so it isn’t me moving into his space or him moving into mine so that we can avoid any territorial weirdness between us.
It sounds like you already know that you’re emotionally and sexually compatible but I think that sometimes it’s the simple little things that can cause the most stress because of unnoticed habits and assumptions. Do you expect to eat all of your meals together, and do you like the same kinds of foods and like to eat at the same times? Is one of you much neater or more organized than the other and how to you expect to divide mundane household chores? How much quiet or alone time do each of you need? What are the financial agreements and expectations and what happens if you can’t agree on expenses? Do either of you have little quirks that are easy to accommodate if you’re aware of them? A lot of these are nitpicky little questions but can be the source of all sorts of arguments ranging from trivial to serious.
I think I’d hold off on the roommate until you both have time to settle in. They can be the source of lots of arguments too.
Fighting about chores is common - so work together to establish a plan of attack. Some people find that doing a thorough clean, together, once a week smooths out feelings of “I do more/no I do more.” Another creative solution is www.chorewars.com if you’re nerd types.
I also recommend letting each person disclaim their single most hated chore. For example, I do laundry, because my husband hates it, and he vacuums, because I hate it. Not having to do that one hated chore makes the entire prospect of cleaning a little more palatable.
Chore wars is the most excellent thing ever! We are both nerdy types and this should be a huge help. We have already agreed that I will do all the laundry if he will do all the dishes though so we may leave that out of the chore wars.
Right now we are considering the roommate thing because, while it would be a bit more difficult living with another person, it would drop us from each paying $600-$800 a month to us each paying $400-$500 a month and we could save a lot of money over time that way. We may end up in a two bedroom by ourselves though and that would be just fine too.
As far as the little nitpicky stuff goes we tend to work together really well on that. If we want to eat different things we can order delivery from different places or go somplace with a wide variety of menu items. We have different sleep schedules (he is a morning person and I am a night owl) but he is perfectly content to fall asleep while I read or watch TV and then when he wakes up in the morning he gives me a kiss and then quietly goes into the other room and plays video games or something and lets me sleep. I don’t anticipate there will be anything we can’t work through if we talk about it and neither of us is afraid of discussing things with the other one so we should be okay there.
We’ve been living together for almost a year. Really, not that much changed. I notice more things that irritate me about him, but I also notice more things I love about him. Ultimately, I feel like we can be ourselves. That’s good for us, but seeing the “real” person can be scary for some couples, and they might see something they don’t like. But you just have to try it and see what happens.
It really does sound like you have it together. My partner and I like different foods, I’m neat and he’s not, he spaces out on financial things sometimes and I never do, he’s patient and careful and I’m not, different little things annoy us and we’ve never had a single fight about any of them. It’s easy to work out when you talk through it and make little compromises for each other.
No advice because I’ve never lived with an SO, but just to say wow and congrats to you guys! I didn’t realise you were at this point already, but I’m sure it’ll be great as you’re both very level headed people. I hope you have great fun together.
We won’t be moving in together for a couple more months yet but we will have been together for almost a year at the point when we move our stuff into our new place. It does seem kind of early but we have had conversations about other serious stuff cough possibly getting married some day cough and we figure living together is the next step for us.
I’ve never lived with an SO either, but I’ve lived with plenty of roomies, and it’s the small things that trigger upsets: leaving socks around, or piling up paper, or not cleaning the ‘science experiments’ out of the fridge, or cluttering up the area around the sink in the bathroom, or not taking stuff to the recycle bin…
Do you and your beloved clutter to the same degree (i.e. not at all, or ‘looks like a trailer park after a tornado’, or somewhere in between?) Dissimilarities are often more of a problem than the precise amount.
I have done it and it sucks. My wife and I had not one but 2 room mates before we got married, and even though the last one was exceptionally cool, it still sucks. It’s hard to try and build a life together when there is another dude cluttering your kitchen with dishes.
The only other thing that I think you will notice is, even with a space for yourself, your SO is always there. Like they live there or something! Even though that sounds a bit tongue in cheek (and it is a bit) the first time I moved in with a girl this was the thing that took me most by surprise. You expect to spend a lot of time together, and you may already spend most of your time together (and I was practically living at her place already but it isn’t really the same as actually living together.) To not have anything that is just yours and not “ours”. It’s an adjustment and a bigger one that you probably think it will be. But ultimately a good one.
Background: I’ve been living with my husband full-time for 6 years. We met and within weeks were spending 6 to 7 nights a week together. After 6 months, I got a place of my own (moved out of my college apartment with roommates) and he spent most nights and all weekends with at that apartment. We’ve been together for 7 years and married for almost 3.
We split up the chores like you do (I do all the laundry, he does all the dishes) and we’re almost to the “trailer park after a tornado” kind of clutter, so lots of other chores get put by the wayside until one of us gets the motivation to pick it up.
The biggest thing we’ve learned is that if something bothers you, SAY something about it. If his leaving soda cans on the coffee table drives you batty, say that to your partner. Be receptive and try sincerely to change if your partner says something drives him batty, even if you think it’s totally irrelevant.
Don’t sweat the petty stuff. It really doesn’t matter if she keeps little pieces of handsoap instead of throwing them away. It makes no difference to your lives if he doesn’t eat the crusts of his sandwiches. Try to stay focused on the big picture and the wonderfulness of each other. Talk a lot. And if something bugs you, talk about it matter-of-factly when you’re both in a calm state so it doesn’t become ammunition for a fight later on.
I shared a two bedroom, one bath apartment in my early twenties with a married couple and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. She, by agreement, didn’t work; she stayed home to cook and do the housecleaning. They began to resent my being there as they couldn’t chase each other naked around the apartment—well, they could have, but chose not to. They missed their spontaneity and I began to resent having to hide in my room to give them privacy. Plus the availability of the bathroom was a source of contention. After about three months, we had a heart to heart about the situation and I moved out. The thing was, we had known each other for several years prior to sharing the place and we did not expect the obstacles that popped up. We did remain friends though; we were probably better friends for the experience. It might have worked if we had chosen a larger apartment with two bathrooms. I wouldn’t do it again and I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone else.
There were a lot of other issues, mostly related to privacy, clothing choices and a certain amount of jealousy on the husband’s part.
It sounds like you’re doing things a little like my husband and I did, and I agree with other posters: do not get a roommate.
You’re a fair distance from your home, right? So this apartment, with your SO will be your HOME, not a dorm to share. You and your SO will end up making that space yours, and your roommate will be forced to dance around you guys and be outnumbered on every decision, and if he or she wants their SO to move it, can the apartment take 4 people (no!), etc. Been there, done that, kicked the roommate and his leech of a girlfriend out. 2 bedroom for 2 people is the best way to go - turn this into your place to live, not a space you happen to be living in.
Other advice:
This man is your boyfriend and lover.
But…
…this man will also now be your business associate, your home decorator, your health counselor (or root of bad habits), financial advisor, assistant maid, etc. Make those decisions as you would with a co-worker or an advisor, taking into consideration space, needs, money/budget, etc, and not constantly questioning if they love you or not.
