In a few weeks, I’ll be leaving my job and moving across the state to move in with my SO. We’ve found a lovely little house to rent and hopefully I’ll be able to find a job there in my field. For most of the three years we’ve been dating, ours has been a long-distance relationship. I’m excited to move in with him, but also a little apprehensive. So I’m asking Dopers for their best advice, tips, etc. What is the hardest part of living with an SO? How do you deal with it? What should we be prepared for?
You’ll find out that there are little things that you do differently from each other. The important thing is to work out as you go along how important those differences are.
Be perpared that you’ll need to spend time apart in the house, and don’t construe needing space as sulking.
Get two computers.
It depends how set in your ways you each are. I found that most issues that came up, one of us felt more strongly than the other, so it was a matter of which one is most willing to compromise with each thing. For example, I might like the pictures hung in a certain place and he might want the dishes stored differently. If you are both motivated to work out the little things, it shouldn’t be a problem. It is easier in a situation like yours where you are both moving into a new place together rather than one person moving into someone else’s “space.”
Remember that you are individuals and need individual space and time. Do not act as though you own one another. Be respectful of one another and try not to take each other for granted. It is especially important that you find interests away from one another since you will be living under one roof. It gives you something interesting to talk to each other about, and helps maintain your separate identities. Remember that all the little irritating things your partner does are really not that important.
Also remember that “compromise” does not mean that one person always has to make allowances for the other, it means that you both do this. This is very important.
One area where this can become the subject of the stupidest fight you’ll ever have is the toilet seat. Women seem to believe that it belongs down. Men will tell you it should be stored in its proper, upright position, and the argument that you’ll fall in in the dark won’t hold up, because he’ll point out that he never sits on anything without looking at it first, so why would you?
You can solve this by instituting the policy that the lid should always be lowered when the job is done. This way, each of you always has to do some kind of modification to make the toilet fit your needs, and it is always returned to a “neutral” state. This was one of the first major compromises when my wife moved in, after having the stupidest argument we’d ever had.
discuss money issues up front and in black and white terms.
I have to back up the posts about needing time to oneself. If you can have 2 computers or televisions or reading dens or whatever, do so.
Give each other some space. It has nothing to do with your appreciation for or level of commitment to each other, it’s just that most people need time when they are not interacting with anyone at all.
Ahem. My manifesto
FWIW Ditto on both Kilt-wearin’ man and Bad News Baboon posted:
My SO and I came to the same conclusion re: the toilet seat, and I attribute a large portion of our lovely coexistence to having established a good money-relationship. I’m not sure quite how to go about establishing one, because everyone, and every couple is different, but establishing that relationship is crucial.
A remark about “annoyances”: Everyone has the stupid things that they do completely out of habit, and it’s a shame to let those interfere with the things that someone does for a reason. That’s probably really cryptic, but take it for what it’s worth.
since the important ones have already been discussed, i’ll add:
agree on quantity and type of animals (see wife’s webpage linked below to see what i got myself into :D) and limits to their range and privliges. we came up with this- she can have as many as she wants, but only the parakeet is allowed inside. and the quail. and the chicks, until they can go outside. and the bummer lamb, until he can get better. and the…HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! 
I’ll echo the advice on the money issues, particularly if one of you makes significantly more than the other. My SO and I pretty much split things down the middle (right now there’s a difference of around $10K between our yearly salaries), but we foresee a time (likely very soon) when he’ll be making much more than I will due to his earning an MBA. So we’ll probably end up splitting things, oh, 60-40. It’s a pretty casual arrangement, but we try to keep general track of who spends what so that neither of us feels like we’re paying for everything.
Something I didn’t know about which has caused some (ongoing) friction is that my SO has a low tolerance for noise. This is a problem because I have an 8 year old son, and the SO needs to study often. The main concession we’ve made is getting an apartment with an extra (doored) room that serves as his office. It’s costing some dough but it’s worth it for him to have a place to study/work/retreat when the Dumpling of Joy and I are having loud tickle fights. Even then it’s a problem. We just moved into a first floor apartment under a family with one 2 year old daughter who, like any 2 year old, runs everywhere. Last night the SO was considering talking about it to the upstairs neighbors. I ixnayed that one right quick.
We have two TVs but just one computer - his - and when I can afford it I’ll get a second one for my son and me. As it is my son is constantly clamoring to use the computer. My SO normally doesn’t have a problem letting him use it but I’d like to have the run of one just for convenience’s sake.
Housework - sort that out as soon as you can too, to avoid the “I do everything” arguments. My SO does the dishes and takes out the trash; I have laundry and cooking duty. It’s not the most even of splits, but he’s not a cook AT ALL and since the bulk of laundry is my son’s and mine, it seems fairer for me to do it. Plus I hate dishwashing. General picking-up and the like we usually end up doing together when we can find the time.
My mind’s going a mile a minute right now. I’ll check back later when I know what I’m talking about.
Two computers is a great idea. We have that right now (guess where he’s sitting :)), and it works out fine, because we each get to do as much as we’d like on them, and there aren’t any homework issues (we’re both students).
Sharing the chores, sharing the money - I think everyone mentionned all the main things. But with all the warnings about having your own space, and spending time apart too, remember to spend time TOGETHER, and keep loving one another. I know too many people who just couldn’t get out of their “single” routines, and ended up ruining good relationships. One thing we do, almost EVERY night, is have supper together. Even if we’re both busy, we’ll sit down and eat, and have a bit of a chat. We also make strong efforts to get up together in the mornings and go to bed at the same time - it sucks when youre on totally different schedules and can’t find time for one another.
If he does something one way and she does it another way and he demands that she does it his way and she demands to know why (are you still with me) … NEVER, ever say that’s the way my Mum did it.
Time alone is a big deal. You didn’t move in together to see each other 24x7 (or maybe you did).
When the SO says I’m going out for an hour or so … let them.
When it comes to housework vs. garden work (you know, she looks after the inside, he looks after the outside). DOESN’T work (for her anyways).
There should be his money and her money and our money. In fact, I’ve been married for over ten years, and we don’t have a joint account. We deduct mortgage, bills, etc and then split the cash evenly down the middle. What she gets she spends. What he gets he spends. If he spends it on crap then let him. If she spends it on a thousand things to collect in the bathroom cabinet, let her.
Choice of colors for the wall, drapes, furniture, etc. If you can live with it, don’t argue. If it will make you retch, tell 'em, but in general live with the colour choice of the one who has color sense (and that’s NOT me).
Cleaning. Have fun. He says he’ll do some. She says she’ll do some. In general, he does none. She does it all. Be prepared to accept this, whichever way it goes.
There is give and take and you’ll rarely absolutely agree on anything, so go with the flow.
Words of Wisdom provided by Caught@Work.
All of the above, and space space space. Make sure you have your own space and he has his. In our house, we each have an office we can retreat to if we want quiet time or if I want to chat with friends online. He can go downstairs to his and play his loud games and it doesn’t bother me.
Like mnemosyne said, spending time apart is a good thing, but keep a healthy balance. I still go out with the girls and he goes out with the guys, but we have tons of good quality time together.
All good advice here so far; my contribution is to say that you will probably find differences in the way you do small things (like squeezing the toothpaste out of the tube, folding the towels, and hanging the toilet paper - I think this one has caused many a divorce!). Don’t be afraid to embrace your differences; Jim and I each have our own tube of toothpaste, and he is free to be as anal retentive about only squeezing from the bottom as he likes with his own tube, and he doesn’t have to go postal every time he sees me squeezing the middle, like all good people do. In our house, the person who changes the roll gets to put it on their way. The person who does the laundry folds the towels their way. The other person is free to not complain if they haven’t gotten off their ass to help. What I’m getting at is that you’ll figure out your own ways to deal with these little things that will drive you completely crazy. At the end of the day, it’s worth having the toilet paper roll on wrong sometimes to have the warm body of the person you love next to you in bed every night. And make “compromise” your new favourite word.
Oh, I forgot to add that we’re renting a three-bedroom house, and we decided right from day one that we would each have one of the small bedrooms for our own, and to heck with any guests. They can sleep on the futon in the living room. Don’t be afraid to do things the way that works for you and your dude.
Yes, I second Caught@work’s remarks about separate money. We do have a joint checking account, but we also have separate allowances that we can spend on whatever we want. We have never (in 8 years of marriage) argued about money.
Communicate with each other.
Just thought of some other things…
Great advice above. Read and memorize Manda Jo’s manifesto. She’s real smart-like when it comes to relationships!
Also, one thing I have found helpful is to make sure you continue to appreciate your partner. Do something unexpected and romantic every so often. For instance, one day my SO had a really crappy day at work. I got home about 30 minutes early, made him his favorite meal, put in on a TV tray with a single red rose, his favorite beverage, and the remote. This past weekend, I rushed out and mowed the lawn while he was running an errand, because I knew he was dreading having to do it. Little surprises and thoughtful gestures every so often go a long way!
Oh and be careful not to start leading “parallel lives”.
Quality time is still needed.
Eating dinner together, already mentioned, is a good idea.
Instead of renting a movie together, try playing a board game or a card game; any fun activity that allows you to interact with each other, not just the screen.