So, here’s the scoop, in 10 days I’ll be living with irishfella in his flat in Aberdeen for the summer. It’s a short-term arrangement for logistical convenience.
The plan is that I’ll work, he studies, and we play house for a couple of months.
The catch is, we’ve had a long-distance relationship from the word go. We’ve seen each other every 4 or 6 weeks since we started going out, and have spent weekends and the odd week together. I love him deeply, and as yet we haven’t fought about anything, but I’m worried that the intensity of living together will bring out hitherto unforseen problems.
Can some lovely (and unlovely) dopers who have lived with their SO, either successfully or not, give me some handy tips and advice on how to do this right?
I don’t want to screw up the best thing in my life over an argument about who forgot to take out the rubbish bins.
Thanks!
( also any encouragement or calming words to stop me panicking would be much appreciated!)
Don’t think of this as a make-it-or-break it situation: even if it goes poorly, that dosen’t mean that the whole relationship is impossible. An ajustment period is normal ,and it can take much longer than you’d think (much longer than a summer, actually). So don’t stress out and think that one real fight means the whoel thing is hopeless, you two can never live together.
Be careful about money: resentment about money can build very slowly, and people who never think it would be an issue find out it is. Try and talk openly about it, and you need to both have a policy of erring on the side of generosity.
I second what Manda JO said – don’t think of this as a make-it-or-break-it deal. It took at least four months for me and my (now) husband to get used to living together. We fought, we were on each other’s nerves constantly – all over stupid stuff. We got over it, and have been succesfully co-habitating for almost 7 years.
The key is realizing that most of it IS really stupid stuff, and you’ll be fine.
How about a contract? If you are sharing the rent & stuff, you might want to write out a nice
contract so what each of you pays is clear. I think there are some you can use in the book,
Tenant’s Handbook from nolo press. Nolo.com
Eventually, one might find out one or the other of you has stronger ideas on how the house
should be arranged & you might want to discuss this upfront. Have fun.
Pick your battles. If it’s really not that important, don’t let it be.
And if it is really important to you, don’t assume he knows how you are feeling about it - let him know.
If you don’t like the way that he does something, DO NOT insist he do it your way. If your way is that important to you, offer to be the one who does it instead. That can range for anything from doing the dishes to much larger issues. And remember that at least as you have described the arrangement, it is his place.
As stated above, you are most likely not going to get along perfectly at first, and that’s fine. Hubby and I still have things we disagree about, and it’s been 4 years But, we compromise. That takes a while to work out.
the advice given above by other Dopers is sound. One question: have either of you lived with another person (i.e., an SO) before? If not, be aware - there is a LOT of room for screw-ups. It may seem silly, but some sort of contract may make sense. Please note: when I say contract, I do NOT mean an actual contract with legal ramifications. I am talking about a contract like we are supposed to sign with our kids when they get near drinking age that says: “our relationship as parent and child, and our being honest with each other, is more important than rules. If you have been drink, you will NOT drive home, you will call me, and regardless of the time, I will come get you and I will not judge you.”. That type of thing, focused on your SO relationship, communications, money etc. Make sure it is no more than 1 page long and not too complex - basically the relationship comes before issues, honesty is key, we are responsible to report grievances and the other person is responsible to listen and both need to compromise. That sort of thing.
I lived with my ex-SO for almost 2 years, and it was a wonderful experience. I do not regret it at all. Heed the advice of the other dopers, and remember that both of you must compromise from time to time. You’ll find there are some things that really annoy you about him, and vice versa, but usually they aren’t hard to work around if you both try to give a little. Good luck and have a great time!
As has been mentioned, pick your battles carefully.
One of you needs to develop a thick skin and an enormous sense of humor. Humor, when used properly, can difuse ANY situation, and you will live to fight another day.
Just remember that any little things that he does that kinda annoy you (in that ‘its kinda cute but if he keeps doing it I"LL CASTRATE HIM!’ way) will bug the living shit out of you if you keep seeing them day in and day out.
Stop and think about those, if its nothing big, like the age old toilet seat issue, just ignore it. But if its something major, like his snoring is keeping you from sleeping then sit down and talk about it in a calm rational manner. That is if you can both be calm and rational about it.
One big thing I found, is having time the hell away from my gf when I lived with her for a few weeks. Sure its nice living with the person I care about… but damnit I need ME TIME!
Keep that in mind. After a few weeks each of you will want to head off and do something by yourself, even if its just sit and read or watch tv.
Everyone keeps saying pick your battles. I never had to worry about this one. I either ignored 98% of the things that happen around me, or I sit down and talk about what bothers me (important bit here) when they aren’t doing it or haven’t done it for a while. I’ve found talking about whatever they do that bothers me some time when they aren’t doing it results in a MUCH less defensive reaction.
Basically, “OH MY FUCKING GOD! Aren’t you done picking your nose?! You’ve been doing it for 6 hours! Are you digging for gold? Lost Nazi treasure?” Is bad.
Umm I hate to sound on the down side of this…
But ehh.
You do have someone/someplace you can stay with/at should things deteriorate? This can be a BIG issue. If things don’t work out either a bad fight or you simply can’t live together, knowing that each of you can back off and get some more personal space can REALLY help.
money won’t be an issue, i pay my rent, he pays for the food, we pay for our own drink…and there will be much drinking…it’s the world cup for goodness sake!
i’m cooking, he’s cleaning.
we have books, tv, dvds, computer, videos, playstation.
personal time and relaxation is not an issue.
i’m definitely going to pick my battles.
and not go to bed angry
and make or break is a good thought, because this is the only time we’ll BE co-habiting, neither of us want to live together before we get married (told you this was a serious relationship).
i don’t thnk a contract is really “us” if you know what i mean. we’re a bit too casual.
and if it all goes wrong i can head home or he can live with his mate!
anyway, keep posting anything useful that comes to you!
How well do you know your SO? Not the big picture but the nooks and crannies, the little habits, this sort of thing.
Keep a distance. Leave your SO ample room, and ask him to leave lots for you, e.g. each of you have your own bedroom, etc. This will allow you time to make some close observations and make adjustments before some of his quirks drive you batty.
quote:
and make or break is a good thought, because this is the only time we’ll BE co-habiting, neither of us want to live together before we get married (told you this was a serious relationship).
You don’t want to live together before getting married? I actually suggest this to anyone I know who talks about committing on that level. The only way you will ever truly know a person is to live with them. I lived with my hubby for 2 1/2 years before we exchanged rings, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. We’ve been happily married now for almost 7 years.
It sounds like you’ve already sat down and discussed the issues with eachother (one cooks, the other cleans, etc) so you’re off to the best start. If once you’re into the living arrangement, you find his face shavings in the bathroom sink intolerable, discuss it rationally with him. Maybe there is something that you are doing that is driving him batty, and you can agree with eachother that you’ll both address these issues instead of just slurring angry words.
Be patient with him, and allow him to have a gripe without getting overly defensive. The best way to happiness on both sides is understanding and communication, not accusation and yelling.
I can only repeat what others have said, but to me it’s the most important thing, so I will repeat it:
Don’t make small things into big things. So many women I know gripe about petty B.S. and make themselves unhappy. If it bothers you that he leaves his socks on the floor, pick them up. If he leaves the toilet seat up, put it down. If he wants to go have a drink with his friends, go shopping (or whatever) with yours.
Finally, be pleasant to be around. Nobody, male or female, likes to hang around with someone who’s always moaning or whining.
Another thing: I have found that being williung to admit that you are overreacting can work wonders: “I know that I am totaly overreacting to the hairs in the sink, but for some reason they just gross me out. Could you please rinse the sink out when you are done?” works a great deal better than “What sort of barbarian leaves a mess like that in the sink?” Another good introduction sentencre is “I think this is just one of those areas where we do things differently . . . .”, but it only works if you are willing to compromise on some of those things.
Second, learn to give and accept gifts graciously,–not just gifts of things, but gifts of time. THe reason people feel like they have to come up for rational, logical reasons for why the other person should wash out the sink is because many people are scared to ask for favors, to say “I want this.” Instead, they have to prove that they have solid ground to demand it. The upside to this is htat you are never beholden to the other person. The downside is that they feel antagonistic and competitive towards you, and get into “cunning counterarguement” mode at each new discussion point. Remember, “Honey, can you do me a favor?” is better than “You are doing this wrong.”
[quoteOriginally posted by bifar
And a king-size duvet.[/quote]
Being one of the few men in existance who knows what thet is, why on earth would you really want one? All cthat can happen is year and years of … stuff … slowly getting lost and piled up under the bed. You think you have a problem keeping track of socks now? …
Well, I do have to agree with you there. Especially if you have a small kitchen. We don’t, but between the two of us bumbling into eachother, looking for things, adding different things to what we’re making, and contradicting each other’s cooking methods (not to mention trying to not to trip over the meal-awaiting dog), this just gets to be a mess every time.
But, we compromise. That takes a while to work out.
