Advice on moving in with a SO

In My Humble Opinion
1

Well, I’m moving in with my boyfriend this month and I’m a little nervous about the whole thing, since it’s my first time doing this.

The history:

I moved to Maryland a year ago, to be closer to my long-distance boyfriend. Before the move, I was living with my mother and younger brother. I was a recent grad in my first real job, and hadn’t moved out yet because I was planning this move to the States.

Here, I got my own place and managed to live alone for a whole year, pretty successfully, if you ask me. Money is fine, I’m not living on Ramen noodles and not chasing away debt collectors. I’m proud of myself for doing this, and I’ve already gotten a little attached to my independence.

In three weeks, I move into his townhouse and start the whole co-habitation thing. I’m excited and happy, but I’ve also seen many friends try moving in with boyfriends only to have it all fall apart very quickly. I’d like to avoid that! We’ve got a very solid relationship, so I probably shouldn’t worry, but I could still use some advice and warnings from all of you. What mistakes did you make when you first moved in with a SO? What did you do right? What do I need to know?

2

No advice, but I’ll be following this thread very closely: I move in with my boyfriend (of more than a year) in May. :slight_smile:

3

As someone who has been in a similar situation (long distance relationship, moved to be closer, then moved in with the person later), I’d highly recommend making sure that if you are moving into HIS place that he give you some space to decorate and put your stuff so it feels like your space too. My boyfriend (now fiance who I’m marrying in a few weeks) moved into my space and I know it was hard on him because he had to fit his stuff in amongst mine and didn’t really have a space that he felt was his. Granted, I’d only lived by myself for six months and he was the one who helped me decorate/get new stuff because I moved in with very little (left most stuff behind when I moved).

If you’re both moving into a new place together, pick a room that he gets to make the way he wants and one for you to decorate the way you want and you compromise on the rest of the space. That way you both feel more comfortable.

I remember how nice it was to feel that independence, to be proud of myself for living alone and getting along just fine. I think you did things the smart way, by easing into living together rather than moving in with him when you first got to Maryland. You aren’t just living there For Him but also have made your own life, I assume. Living together is probably going to be a lot of fun (no more schlepping stuff back and forth!) but it will also take work. Figure out before you move in how bills, groceries, etc. will be paid (everything split? you pay some and he pay others?), if there are any deal breakers in terms of cleanliness or behavior that either of you has, and make a plan to revisit things a few months after you move in to see if they are working. We’ve been living together for nearly five years now and I’ve enjoyed nearly every minute of it. Definitely give each other space and try as hard as you can to see the other person’s POV if you disagree about something. Being flexible is a must when it comes to living with another person, I have found.

Good luck!

4

I moved in with my boyfriend over a year ago and things are going great between us. After being terrified of it for a long time, I find I love co-habitation.

One of my biggest pieces of advice is: Stay out of each other’s finances. Don’t immediately rush out and get a joint checking account. Don’t make every purchase something you buy together as a couple. Split rent/utilities equally and pay them on time; everything else, keep separate. He’s not your husband, you’re not his wife.

Make sure you have your own life outside of your boyfriend. It’s easy to fall into the pattern of doing everything together, because hey, he’s right there. Go out on your own, let him go out. Have time apart.

5

Find out if he’s the “Hi honey I’m home, let’s hang out” type or the “I had a shit day, leave me alone for an hour” type. I’ve seen a few relationships blow up because people were of different types. If you’re the former and he’s the latter, learn to be OK with it. If it’s the other way around, let him know that it’s nothing personal.

6

Here are some things that may cause potential arguments;

Who will do the chores, and how will they be split? If one person is neater than the other, or is expected to straighten up the place more often, it will cause friction and irritation eventually. This would include cooking, laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. It would be good to talk about this beforehand, trust me.

How will you split the bills, and who will be responsible for paying them? Is that person good with finances/budgeting? Will you have a joint account, or seperate accounts, with each of you pitching in towards bills? When my husband and I were living together before we got married, I paid the bills and we had seperate accounts, each paying half of the expenses and our own car payments. He made a bit more than I did, so he paid for dinners, movies, entertainment, and so on. It worked well for us, and we eventually combined our assets into one account when we got married. We discovered that he was a little more casual with his spending habits (I am a tightwad in a lot of ways), so I’ve continued to reconcile our accounts and do the monthly budget.

Free time/ time with friends. Are you on the same page with him here? Sometimes one person will want couple time more than the other, and another person may like to hang out with their friends without their partner. This wasn’t an issue for my husband and I, but I know people’s situations where it was a HUGE problem, with the guy wanting to hang with the boys five nights a week, or the gal not wanting to give up club-hopping with her single friends every weekend.

If you both have realistic expectations, it helps a lot. Hopefully he won’t expect you to don an apron and cook for him while he watches TV every night (unless you’re into that), and you won’t expect him to never fart, belch, or drink directly from the milk carton (it all happens eventually).

There are too many positive things to list. I wish you luck and happiness - let us know how it goes!

7

Roommate advice in general: decide in advance how you will split bills and cleaning. BE SPECIFIC and write it down! If you’re splitting the phonebill, do you split long distance or each pay your own? What exactly does “clean the kitchen” mean? Is it doing the dishes and leaving them to dry or does it include wiping all the counters and mopping the floor? Stuff like that. The more you discuss and document, the better. You can always go back and renegotiate the contract (maybe plan a discussion a few months in), but it’s much easier to talk about this stuff when you’ve already done the groundwork.

I’ve seen so many splits between otherwise happy roommates over tiny details of how who did what in cleaning & money, just because they never discussed it until someone was mad.

Moving in with SO in specific: what mlerose said. I’ve been through this and I’ve watched friends go through it. Moving in to a new place works pretty good, but moving into someone else’s already-established space can be very difficult. He’s got plenty of room for all his stuff - make sure there will be room for yours (or vice versa, if someone’s moving in with you).

Remember, your incredibly important memories are someone else’s worthless shit that should be canned (whether they say it aloud or not). It can get ugly. Very, very ugly. Much better if you plan ahead to avoid the ugly.

8

Ha! I was going to offer the exact opposite advice regarding finances - work out common finances immediately - but I think you’re right here. Good point(s) regarding being boyfriend/girlfriend instead of husband/wife.

9

All of the advice above is absolutely excellent. Because you are moving into his place, things might work a little differently than if you were moving into a place together. Not sure what the set up will be when you get there, but if you haven’t considered it before, having individual bedrooms can be a great thing for a relationship. You can each keep yours the way you like it (decorated, dirty, immaculate), there are no fights over snoring or alarm clocks, and it takes away slightly from the initial shock of seeing someone every single day.

Rent and bills just aren’t fun. If you’re already in a bad mood, having someone ask for a few hundred bucks won’t make it any better. Having to ask isn’t great either, and messengers will be shot. Try to make it as painless as possible e.g. direct deposit, but as mentioned, don’t get a joint account or anything like that.

10

Hmm, not sure how to frame this bit of advice other than as a story from my experience, but the gist of it is respect each other’s ways of doing little things, and don’t belittle each other for them.

My way of making ice was to empty the tray into the bucket, then filling the tray so that more water could freeze while I was enjoying my tasty beverage. Her way was to take individual cubes out as needed. When they were empty, hey, no more ice. What are you going to do? As I worked and she didn’t, she’d spend all day using up ice cubes, and when I got home, there was nothing.

That was kind of a bad thing, but any reasonable couple can work it out, right? Nope. I said she was not thinking things through, she laughed at me and called me anal. It was a constant source of friction between us.

11

Rest easy over this: if you actually are compatible, reasonable people, you’ll be fine. If you’re not, you’re just finding out that much sooner.

Seriously, if you’re separated in two months after moving in together it wasn’t because you both didn’t “have your own room” or you had a hard time figuring out how to split the phone bill. Those are symptoms, not causes.

When have you ever heard, “it was true love, but we just couldn’t figure out how to split the phone bill”?

I’ve had a relationship end with someone I lived with. It did not end BECAUSE we moved in together.

12

I moved in with my 2nd SO very quickly, as in we had been dating a few weeks. It was very rocky and even though we stayed together almost 4 years it was a pretty disastrous relationship. But you’ve already avoided the quick move in pitfall.

My current SO and I dated for about 18 months and then moved in together. That was just about perfect. We had plenty of time to get to know each other, know that it was going to work out and knew each others quicks and such pretty well.

Things to work out, who sleeps on what side of the bed? Do you like to use the snooze or get up right away? Do you need your own private space in the home? They sound like tiny little things but can cause problems for some people. Who will be responsible for the bills? It’s not like you can have separate electric and such. Get a system worked out and stick with it. Dishes, cooking, taking out the trash…again, find a system that works for the two of you and go with it.

No matter how well you know someone, you ALWAYS find out new things about them when you actually live together. Some you will like, some you won’t. Some quirks that were cute when you were dating will become irritating when you live with them day in and day out. Be open, communicate your needs and listen to his. That is the best advice I know.

13

This (and similar comments) makes me glad about my situation: my boyfriend has practically no furniture in his place, mostly just a crappy old couch and an old bed that he will happily get rid of (my couch and bed are both less than a year old, and he looooves my couch). Nearly all of my stuff is coming with me. So it will be his house, but my stuff. Seems fair to me. :slight_smile:

14

Pepper Mill moved in with me back in 1991. She hasn’t moved out yet.
I agree with much of what’s been said – keep your own finances. Make sure you have some time of your own, and your own space.

15

Is this really a “respect everyone’s ways of doing things” issue? It seems like it’s a selfishness issue. She got to have ice her way, and you didn’t.

16

I don’t get it. Why not have two ice trays? Use from one 'til it’s empty, fill it up, start using from the other. And what bucket?

17

Wow, lots of advice so quickly - I’m impressed!

There will be some spaces in his place that I’ll be able to take over as my own, and I’m bringing all my furniture, so I won’t feel like I’m leaving all of my own things behind. His brother used to live with him, and moved out last year, so there’s an empty bedroom and living room ready for me to fill up. Part of me feels like we’re splitting the house into “his zones” and “my zones” but I suppose I’ll adjust after a while. I mean, I can’t expect to jump in and start redecorating his living room / home office when he’s had it his way for years and likes it how it is. But at least we have similar taste in decorating, so when it comes time for getting anything new for the place, it shouldn’t be too much of a challenge to make both of us happy.

We’re not getting a joint account or anything, since we feel like that’s more of a “married” thing to do. He told me when he first asked me to move in that he didn’t expect me to pay for anything in terms of household bills. He figured that he’s been doing it himself and can obviously afford to, so why ask me to do anything? But I feel funny not paying anything - I wasn’t raised to be a sponge. So for now, I think I’ll be paying the bills (phone, cable, electric, etc) and he’ll handle his mortgage payments. This way I can be paying the bills online after he adds my name to the accounts, and I won’t have to feel weird about handing him a wad of cash every month for “rent”.

We’re both “leave me alone” types after rough days at work, so having our own living rooms to watch TV and stuff is going to be good, as will having the extra bedroom for nights when someone’s sick or snoring or if I want to sleep with cats on me (they’re not allowed in his room). We’ve tried to talk about all the practical things like chores, and we’ve pinpointed where the problems will likely be (we both hate doing dishes, and we both tend to clutter up a place something fierce), and hopefully we’ll just be grown-up enough to figure it all out.

My biggest worry is how to find the balance between alone time and couple time, and not to fall into a “roommate” pattern. And also on how to feel like it’s “our” place, since it’s definitely his turf to begin with. Any advice on that bit?

18

Moving in together is a “shit or get off the pot” moment whether you realize it or not. It is and should be a direct step toward getting married; if it’s not, you’ll find that it destroys your relationship rather quickly.

19

Bullshit. Marriage is not the only alternative to breaking up: living together can be a perfectly acceptable end unto itself.

20

I moved into my SO’s existing place so I can help a bit. Bringing your own things will help a lot. Try taking some of your things into “his” areas. Do you have a throw blanket you really like? Put it on “his” couch. Some special knick-knacks? Put then on “his” coffee table. That sort of thing will help blend your things and the feel that it is a “we” and not a “his and hers”.

The alone time and together time issue takes some work. Some things that worked for us are; He is on a pool league and is gone every tuesday. I take that evening as my time to enjoy my alone activites like online gaming and such. He also goes out every saturday (Gotta practice that pool game!) and I usually stay at home. We have a standing date on friday evenings for some couple time.

Sometimes you probably will feel like roommates, that’s just how day to day life is. But you should always make time for each other, while respecting your needs for alone time.