Give me advice on living with an SO for the first time

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve never lived with anyone romantically before. I’ve had a male roommate, but he was just my best friend in the world and there was nothing romantic between us. Mr. avabeth and I just got our new apartment and I move in the second week in January - yay! We talked last night and we’re both nervous about this - because neither of us has ever lived with an SO before. However, this is non-negotiable and we’ll do whatever we can to make it work because we’re getting married in September and we KNOW we want to get married. The moving in together early is basically a financial decision along with the fact that we’ve been long-distance for a year and neither of us wants to be apart any longer.

We know it’s going to be an adjustment. We’ve discussed issues that worry us (my slobby habits, his not wanting to give me alone time, my possessiveness of my cats when they’re going to become his, too), so they’re at least on the table. But it would be nice to hear advice on how other people have dealt with living together for the first time and how you solved problems.

Thanks!

Ava

2

I lived with my (now-ex-)boyfriend for almost two years. All in all it was great, because we were very comfortable with each other after being together for about 7 years, and him practically living at my house all through college.

But I did encounter some problems concerning cleaning and chores. He never cleaned and never did dishes. It really got on my nerves after a while. Any time anything was cleaned, it was me who did it. Vacuuming? Me. Cleaning the bathroom? Me. Mopping floors? Me. Changing the sheets and washing the sheets and towels? Me. Washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen? Me. Emptying the trash? Me. I swear, if I didn’t do any of that, the place would simply never have been cleaned for the entire two years.

But on the other hand, most of the stuff I didn’t mind doing becase 1) I always felt I would do a better job at it anyway and 2) I actually kind of like cleaning. But the worst was the DISHES. I HATED coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes, like I was his mother or maid! That sucked.

Yes I brought this subject up dozens of times. He always had his excuses. He worked two jobs and was too tired. Blah blah. I guess it just wasn’t really worth becoming a bitchy nag for or getting in a huge fight about.

So my advice would be, come up with a pre-arranged agreement about cleaning, chores and dishes. Either take turns, or assign duties, or whatever. But it’s important that one person doesn’t feel like the other treats them like a servant or a maid.

3

I forgot to mention the worst part: the cat’s litter box. He NEVER cleaned that out, it was always my job. UCK.

I guess to summarize: it’s fine if you’re a bit of a slob when living alone, but when you embark on sharing quarters for the rest of your life, you have to clean up your act! You have to be neat and do your share of the household duties, because that is what a partnership is all about. It shows respect, and therefore love.

4

Besides “Run while you still have the chance” ?

Seriously, though. Never go to bed angry. Keep arguements in perspective. Ask yourself “Is this worth breaking up over?” If the answer is no, then there’s room to compromise.

5

Morelin and I have been living together in one way or another for three years. We met when we were living in the same house with a bunch of other people, before we were even a couple. So I’m actually qualified to toss out some advice here, though that wouldn’t stop me anyway.

Make Sure You Each Have Your Own Space…-I have my computer/desk area and she has hers. I think a lot of couples get carried away with the “ours” thing, but we do tend to keep our own space and have some of our own stuff, to the point where I ask/tell her if I’m going to be using her computer for something.

…but still do stuff together-We usually watch a couple shows on TV or watch a DVD just to hang out together.

Recognize and accept that you’ll have different priorities…-I like to keep the place a little cleaner than she does, but we don’t fight about it, because…

But if it bothers you that much, do it yerfreakin’self!-Seriously. We don’t get people who fight over stupid stuff. When the apartment gets too dirty for me to handle, I clean it. If it’s REALLY bad, I get her to help.

Recognize that no plan survives contact with the enemy-Oh, you may talk about doing things 50/50, fair division of labor, and so on, but no plan survives contact with the enemy. Some couples fight nonstop about this stuff. We just let things fall where they may. She usually cooks the regular stuff while I cook when I’m in the mood, though when I’m off and she’s working, I’ll try and cook a little more.

Finances-Figure out how you’re going to do it. Maybe a Pirate’s Code isn’t required, maybe they should be “more like guidelines.” Depends on how good you are with money, I suppose. We go with “No major purchases before consulting with the other,” though major purchases for us are usually need based. We do have seperate checking accounts and we split costs according to a budget I’ve made up.

Don’t Fight About Stupid Stuff-Cause life’s too short to go around pissed off cause dude spilled some tomato sauce on the counter and didn’t clean it up or something. See “If it bothers you that much, do it yerfreakin’ self.”

Talk About Obnoxious Habits Before They Become A Huge Fight-And be willing to change.

Go Out And Do Stuff Together-Morelin and I are both incredibly prone to Just Hanging Out for days, so we try and make sure to go out every now and then, even if it’s only to a movie with a stop at CiCi’s on the way home to stuff our faces on the pizza buffet.

Talk-Seriously, it can get to the point where you feel like roommates, cause you’re around each other all the time.

Alone Time!-Everyone needs alone time. Yea, I love her and everything, but I love sitting around the house blasting my music and doing my stuff. Though this usually works out because of her work and my school schedule. Anyone gets irritating if you’re stuck in close proximity for days on end.

His/Hers-We share most everything, but if you need his/hers stuff, make sure and do it.

Remember that you live together!-So running home crying to mama isn’t an option. Even if it is, that means you lose points.

6

Sound advice.

However, as a married man I will add a few things that really make living with an SO much much easier.

Finances. Make sure you do your finances TOGETHER EVERY MONTH!! I can not stress this enough, seriouly. Money, and how you do your finances is a key factor in lasting relationships, marriage or not. And a leading cause for Divorce in the US.

Slobyness - If he doesn’t like it, I’d suggest compromising with him verbally early on. Seriously, you are marrying the man, learning to compromise if crucial. If you never learn anything this is one that must be learned. Because people in relationships who don’t learn to compromise, soon breed resentment. And resent can be a slow, cunning trickle of water that slowly eats away at a relationship…

Alone Time[u/] - this will come with time. I didn’t spend a night away from my wife for two years when we first started dating…both of us simply didn’t want to.
Now 8 years later…I spend alone time whenever I want…reference the Tree House threads :slight_smile:

Make sure the compromising and finances are taken care of, everything else just kinds falls into place. :slight_smile: Fair thee well.

7

I’m with you, nyctea. When the rubbish can hop up and bite you on the ass, it’s overdue for disposal, along with the party who created it.

Cats and birds can be forgiven, lacking opposable thumbs, but bipeds are responsible for their own messes in this place. :stuck_out_tongue:

8

Extend compassion to all sentient creatures. Ask questions rather than making assertions. Don’t call names. Don’t raise issues for the first time in anger.

It doesn’t matter whether the cap’s on the toothpaste. If it bugs you, have your own tube.

Neither Mrs Shoshana nor I is a particularly avid housekeeper. Still, we take on household tasks based on what each of us least loathes. I don’t mind cooking dinner most nights; she doesn’t mind tracking the bills. I don’t mind changing the heat pump air filter; she doesn’t mind washing the furnace filter. Neither of us likes to vacuum, so we do it only when we will otherwise be revealed to friends as pigdogs.

9

Don’t nurse grudges and hurt feelings - Jim and I have avoided quite a few arguments by being willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt when we think our toes were stepped on.

10

I think I managed to head one of those off tonight. We were actually on the phone discussing a few of our moving issues, and he was being really short with me - to the point where my feelings were getting hurt. So I hung up and prepared to sulk for my trip through the grocery store. In trying to call another friend, I accidentally dialed him again. When I realized what I’d done, I just flat-out said “Are you pissed at me about something? Because you’re biting my head off for absolutely no reason and it’s really starting to get to me.”

He apologized, said it was just stress, and then we actually had one of those conversations that made me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place.

I’m getting better about not stewing and holding a grudge. I’m not perfect, but I’m learning. I don’t want to be one of those women who’s always on a message board bitching about her husband like I see a lot (not here usually). I want to be the one bragging about what a great guy I have - and I do. He’s good to me and he’s good for me.

And as far as the rest of the advice goes, thank you! I’m going to print out this thread and have him read it over Christmas. And I’m taking a lot of it to heart myself. I think we just have to accept that the first few weeks or months are going to have their rough spots and try to work through them as best we can

Ava

11

I’ll echo the “do the chores you dislike least” thing. I had male housemates - 3! At once!, before I started living with my B.F, and the lack of tidying, and particularly dish washing, really caused serious friction with them. Things were headed in the same direction with my B.F, until I realised that it just wasn’t such a priority for him, plus, more importantly, that he was contributing to the household in lots of other ways. So now it goes like this

Me: Dishes, Clothes washing, Room cleaning etc., Rubbish removal, General household items shopping

Him: 90% of cooking, 90% of food shopping, everything related to bill paying/ contacting suppliers/ sorting out contracts etc.

This may all change when we move from his native land to mine ( I may do a little more of the dealing with people over the phone that is currently difficult because of the language barrier)- so it’s also good to remain flexible about who does what, IMO.

But really, deciding that I would take on the cleaning jobs around the house was the best thing I could of done- it’s meant the avoidance of so much stress, strain and arguing. However, when you factor in my man’s longer working day (2 degree courses and a part time job), I think he definately pulls his weight in the household- try to maintain a balance and split the workload 50/50, otherwise the resentment may start to build.

That one about never going to bed angry is another goodie. Never be afraid to say that magic word that is the beginning of all reconciliations- “Sorry”

12

It’s all about compromise. I’m the neat freak in our relationship. SuaSponte, not so much. But he is making a (successful) effort to be neater because he knows it’s important to me. That counts for a lot. It’s a rare person who would want to live as tidy (read: anal) an existance as I do, so I’ve learned to live with a slightly more cluttered apartment.

Communicate! For a while, I lived with a male roommie in NYC. He was sort of oblivious to when chores needed to be done, but as soon as I suggested that we do some, he was happy to help out. I’d much rather ask for some help, and hopefully get it, than stew about all the chores that need doing, or do them all myself.

13

All those cute, lil’ silly quirks he has (you have) that you (he) adore now can become fuel for arguments. I suggest you discuss everything up front so they don’t become fight fodder.

Be yourself but you should compromise on the little things that really don’t mean that much in the long run. So what if he leaves the toilet seat up? Personally, my SO does and I could care less. I’ve never gotten my butt wet so why does it matter? You see? You need to pick your “battles” (for lack of a better phrase) and let the trivial things go.

I’d discuss the chore situation right off. You BOTH need to clean, life isn’t like the olden times anymore with one person doing all the work. Now both sexes work so both sexes should clean.

I guess I’m saying you need to communicate so it runs smoothly for you. In every aspect of living together, there will be rude awakenings. You need to realize what’s most important and let the small things slide… him, too. Talking is the only way to solve anything, understand your SO, and keep the ship in shape.

Good luck and have lots of sex! wink wink

(I’m very jealous, btw, I can’t yet move in with my SO sigh)

14

Have a “date night” once a month at least (preferably once every other week.) Once you’ve ironed through the stuff like chores, finances, etc. it’s very easy to fall into a boring cycle. And boredome is bad. You don’t have to do anything spectacular, but have a preset date (not the spur of the moment ones, although those are important, too) so that you both have time to look forward to it and anticipate.

Oh, and when you have disagreements, remember that you love this person even though you are angry at the moment. And then tell them so.

15

Choose your side of the bed wisely, becuase THATS the side your gonna be stuck with for the rest of your life! (provided you all live happily ever after.)

Make sure you have easy access to the bathroom, the alarm clock and the phone as well.

16

All those little things that kind of get on your nerves once in a while now, they don’t go away. Odds are you won’t get used to them any time soon, either. You’ll notice them more and more, until you think you’re going to go absolutely, certifiably crazy if he does it one more time. It’s not that he’s becoming a lout, or that you’re becoming a bitch, it’s just that it’s not as easy for you to get out of each other’s hair now.

That’s why it’s so important to have your own space. Dr.J and I have our own rooms, for heaven’s sake. He doesn’t have to look at my unicorns and flower arrangements and craft garbage, and I don’t have to look at his stacks of medical journals and dirty dishes. It’s more expensive, but it’s worth every single penny, and then some.

17

Frame it. Memorize it. Worship it. Live it. More than anything else, this will be the key to happiness in a relationship.

18

Echoing everything that’s been mentioned, plus - don’t assume anything. Give the benefit of the doubt every time you can, even if you are mad; especially if you are mad! So may arguements could have been avoided (in my experience) if we both would not have been so stubborn and proud. It’s ok to lose a fight!
Pick your battles… You will not always agree on everything. You won’'t like everything he does, but he won’t like everything you do either. Also, don’t hold back how you really fee -l if something is bothering you; things have a way of festering and blowing up. It’s really what’s been said before - talk, communicate, and just do whatever you can to say friends, best friends, someone you want to share yourself with, not because you’re supposed to, but because you want to.

19

Don’t give up your old friends and activities you used to do by yourself if he’s not interested in them; make room in your life for them, too. And encourage him to make room in his life for his old friends and activities you don’t enjoy doing with him. Not everyone likes to do the same thing all the time.

Keep some money separate. How else can you surprise him with gifts, if he’s the one who keeps track of the money? (We won’t even go into the “escape fund” aspect of it, but I know a lot of women who keep separate funds for that reason, too.)

Compromise, compromise, compromise!

And last but not least, teach him the two most important words every man should know in a relationship: “Yes, dear!” (Guys, I’m kidding!!)

20

Be very careful about co-mingling your laundry. Men’s smelly socks can permeate an entire basket full of simple girl dirt and make everything smell like feet. And sometimes the detergent won’t get the feet smell out of YOUR stuff. Just a word of caution…